Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by iHaveSeenEvil, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Do you like her? Is she single? If she is, why don't you ask he out? If she's not, why do you torture yourself like this?
     
  2. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 40.

    She is one of my best friends. She's extremely hot, but we really don't see each other like that. Sure I would totally hook up with her but I couldn't date her, not my type romantically. I do like cuddling with her tho, I'm a fucking cuddle whore lol. Also that would kinda fuck our friendship up. I made a really good friend over the summer and we hung out a lot and we hooked up and stopped talking entirely.

    I randomly woke up this morning laying next to her again.
    I got wasted last night and passed out in some random spot in my ex's house and then woke up in the futon downstairs with her. It was a pleasant surprise so I cuddled with her until my ex came down and jumped on me to tickle me awake. She is awful at waking me up.


    Been tired as fuck today.
    Balls hurt like fuck.
    Procrastinating in everything like a mother fucker.
    I want to fuck a girl. Like really bad.
     
  3. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    This is inspiring to me, Dr. Evil. Having gone through this process, you would be ideally suited to the task of helping other people who want to quit. You could give back so much...

    Evil doesn't sound too tortured to me. If he really wants to fuck, I'm sure he can make it happen. The guy sounds like he's surrounded by friendly women.

    Dr. Evil, are you James Franco?
     
  4. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Your surrounded by girls. Just try and fuck one of them not sure what your waiting for. Maybe you need to be sexual to get your libido going again.
     
  5. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 41.

    Ahhh a related video had shown up after something I was watching and it was porn!!!!
    The thumbnail of it got me really excited and i started having emotional surges and my body started feeling good and all sorts of shit.
    I clicked away immediately!

    I'm also a cunt and looked at a naked picture of my ex and got a boner and then got upset and depressed.
    My friends last night were going through my phone and I said there was bad stuff on there and I ended up showing them a home made porn video I shot of myself and an ex of mine. It was very brief. I never watch it though.

    All of these porn related things were brief and I didn't touch myself or nothing.

    I feel emotionally empty now though, like briefly seeing the thumbnail got me really excited and I felt really good for a second and I had forgotten how awesome and fun porn was.
    I'm feeling very emotionally weak and vulnerable. FUCK.

    I guess we can say I'm having urges... I WILL NOT SUCCUMB.
    I WANT REAL SEX AGAIN GODDAMN IT. MY DICK NEEDS TO LOVE REAL WOMEN AGAIN, lol.

    Slept next to my friend again. No interesting news with that though.

    That Russian girl wants to take the train all the way to campus to briefly talk to me. She said it's a conversation that she can't have with me over the phone. I'm scared she is either gonna ask me out or freak the fuck out on me. Either way, I'm scared. I feel like something bad is gonna happen.

    I feel like it's too early in my reboot. I'm almost halfway to the 90 days. Being so far in, I just want to get a nice solid 90 day reboot completed. As asexual and flatlined as I always feel, I think I might need an MO or a sexual encounter to get me going again. I just don't wanna rush it too early and fuck with my reboot that is (hopefully) working!

    Fucking brain damage.
     
  6. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 42.

    Got a random boner that stayed for a while in the morning. Wasn't morning wood. Was when I was watching The Last Exorcism 2.

    Balls hurt a lot.

    Still feel entirely asexual.

    Felt awful about school and Ashley. Like awful.

    Felt like breaking down and crying.

    Ended up cutting myself.

    Feel like I'm never going to feel better or regain my sexual abilities.

    Ended up getting drunk after all this.

    Terrible, terrible day overall.
     
  7. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    ...but you didn't relapse. And that makes you mighty.

    Keep pushing, man. The night is darkest before the dawn.
     
  8. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 43.

    This morning was mind-blowingly terrible.
    I think death visited me last night.
    In fact, I think death is still lurking around inside me.

    I felt nauseous for most of the day. I had a big exam and a quiz to do. I think I did pretty damn well on the exam and got a 10/10 on the quiz, so despite being a walking zombie about to die I did myself well.

    Almost fucked the fuck outta my mattress this morning. Hard dick, no memory what I was thinking of, but I remember it was rock hard and I just needed to fucking O. I didn't though. I have no libido but my urges to MO are out of this fucking world, like seriously causing me physical and emotional distress. I need a release so bad, like it's negatively impacting my life on a monumental level.

    My friend is coming around and staying the night with me wherever we end up sleeping, so I'll get some cuddles.
    Cuddles greatly reduce my thinking of death.
    There is something absolutely mesmerizing about laying with a girl, and something even more amazing about their skin.
    Touching a girl's skin still gives me butterflies and rushes and happiness. Still feel sexless though. I thought I was dead and numb inside, but I know I still can feel something for a girl.

    ...but libido and erections? What the hell are those?

    My own shadow has become the grim reaper, and I think we are becoming friends.
    Just gotta figure out how to kill him.
     
  9. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    I apllaud your abilty to mantain such a relationship with a girl. That would be so beyoned me I can't even begin to describe.

    Also, don't fully disconsider MOing. I've have learned the hard (no pun intended) way that, sometimes, holding your urges beyond your tolerance zone might do more harm than good.
     
  10. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    The thing that's really bothering me is I feel physical pain all the time down there. Like it's down in my legs too. There is nothing wrong with my dick itself, but I can't imagine this pain means anything but damage! Like it's causing me near panic attacks at times. My life is so fucking retarded!

    Also my friend I just met ended up not getting hard for a girl he just started seeing. They tried to have sex once so far. Damn, wonder if he has ED too. Maybe I'll have an in real life friend with it haha
     
  11. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Would she give you a blowjob or something? Can you make out as well instead of just cuddles?
     
  12. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    I totally relate to this. That´s why I´m not even angry at myself when I bring home girls nowadays and can´t get it up. I still feel really good after just spending a night with someone.

    It reminds me of a poem by Walt Whitman, "I Sing the Body Electric", that I think you´ll appreciate since you write poetry yourself. You´ve probably already read it, but here is an excerpt from it:
    [4]
    "I have perceived that to be with those I like is enough,
    To stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,
    To be surrounded by beautiful curious breathing laughing flesh is enough,
    To pass among them . . to touch any one . . . . to rest my arm ever so lightly round his or her neck for a moment . . . . what is this, then?
    I do not ask any more delight . . . . I swim in it as in a sea.

    There is something in staying close to men and women and looking on them and in the contact and odor of them that pleases the soul well;
    All things please the soul, but these please the soul well.

    [5]
    This is the female form;
    A divine nimbus exhales from it from head to foot;
    It attracts with fierce undeniable attraction!
    I am drawn by its breath as if I were no more than a helpless vapor . . . . all falls aside but myself and it;
    Books, art, religion, time . . the visible and solid earth . . the atmosphere and the fringed clouds . . what was expected of heaven or feared of hell are now consumed;
    Mad filaments, ungovernable shoots play out of it . . the response likewise ungovernable;
    Hair, bosom, hips, bend of legs, negligent falling hands—all diffused . . . . mine too diffused;
    Ebb stung by the flow, and flow stung by the ebb . . . . loveflesh swelling and deliciously aching;
    Limitless limpid jets of love hot and enormous . . . . quivering jelly of love . . . . white-blow and delirious juice;
    Bridegroom-night of love, working surely and softly into the prostrate dawn;
    Undulating into the willing and yielding day,
    Lost in the cleave of the clasping and sweetfleshed day."

    Sorry for hijacking your journal with poetry, I hope you´ll appreciate it though ;) Stay strong! don´t give in to the pain.
     
  13. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Hahaha, Apeman calls you Dr. Evil. I like that. I'm gonna use it :p.

    Dude, I've read all of your posts. You have masses of inner conflict. My first piece of advice to you is this. Let go. Don't force it, just let go. Try meditation. It won't work at first and you'll probably cry like hell but try it. The fact that you won't be able to do it and you will cry is a sign that it's working. It's cleansing the mind of unnecessary bullshit, and just grounding you in the moment. It's bringing all the shit up to the surface and letting it out, it's healthy. You're so damn far up in your own head, you don't even know what the fuck you're doing half the time. Trust me, this is is legit. The type of meditation I do is as such:

    I sit down in a full lotus of half lotus position (look it up on Youtube) and I try to focus on my breathing. I take a gentle breath in and then slowly out, always through my nose. As I exhale initially just try to think of my breath, nothing else, just breath. When various thoughts come into my head, I simply say what they are on the out breath. This enables you to see what these thoughts are, just as they are, without trying to read into every single stupid thought that crosses your mind. You're cleansing your mind of the bullshit. Face it, you're confused, you're hurt, you feel so much pain. So on the out breath just say 'confused, confused, confused', until it goes away. 'Pain, pain, pain', on the out breath, until it goes away. 'Hurt, hurt, hurt', on the out breath until it goes away. When other random thoughts come into your mind, just say 'random thoughts, random thoughts, random thoughts', until they go away. It will seem impossible at first, just like giving up PMO did at first, but with time and a bit done as often as possible, it will get easier. The more you do, the better, but the whole idea of this is to get you to release some of that intense pressure that you put on yourself the whole time. You are going through big changes, changes that are going to change you forever. This has to be earnt and you must focus your energy on achieving a peaceful balance within yourself. Just like Cid said, don't make the focus of your endeavours about girls. Make it about discovering a higher consciousness. A higher awareness of yourself, achieved only by letting go. Only in letting go can you realise true power.

    Chill, man. You'll get there. This meditation stuff really works for me. I am already feeling it working, even if I am sometimes volatile, like today. Today was just a bad day though. I wasn't posting on my blog for a while because I actually felt pretty peaceful.

    You are not looking for happiness, you are looking for peace. Forget about 'happiness', in the sense that you think you know it. In your mind, happiness is linked to material objects which are meaningless, or other sentient beings, all of whom have their own (beautiful) flaws and their own troubles. What you are looking for really is peace. You allude yourself into thinking that with the comfort of another, you will be complete, but in fact, it is only with the comfort of yourself, that you will be complete.

    Peace, in fact, is the only true happiness, because peace is a higher form of happiness than the transient, emotional state that we call happiness, which is really just in fact 'pleasure'. Foster loving kindness for others in your heart and for yourself.

    This leads me on to my next point. Try and confide in some of the girls you often see. I know you said that you didn't one to pick the wrong one, but really, that is largely a fear of your problem becoming spread around. Sure, be careful you don't just choose some slag to confide in who is a complete bitch and will just tell everyone, but at the same time, be honest with those you spend time with.
    Honesty helps those around you to understand your plight. Opening up to people has honestly been the best and most useful thing I've done since I started my journey. I even told my parents about PMO. I don't care, it's a part of me and I don't care about social stigma. My sole focus is my recovery, and it's vital to me that those who care about me know the full extent of what I'm going through. You should think the same way.

    FORGIVE YOURSELF!!!. Just because it might not work sometimes, doesn't mean that the process doesn't work. Have some bloody compassion for yourself, man, you've been through so much as it is. And this post naturally goes out to all of you who are fighting a constant inner battle. Have compassion. Fill yourself will peace and love.

    Use this opportunity of a flatline to discover your inner self. This is a golden opportunity for you to discover things on a very deep level. Think about it, you're pretty much free from one of the fundamental desires that make us human, a libido. Not many people have the opportunity to experience this in their entire lives, we're all blessed if we use this period to our advantage as a means to find inner peace.

    Stop using such negative language. Now I know I do sometimes sound negative in my posts, but try and keep up-beat. When you don't sound upbeat, or are unable to, then just forgive yourself.

    That's all for now man, but I hope this helps. If you ever wanna talk just hit me up. You're doing amazingly. Be proud of who you are and how far you've come.

    Best,

    J
     
  14. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 44.

    JediMindTricks
    Haha, don't worry about hijacking my journal with poetry, I enjoy poems =)
    "To be surrounded by beautiful curious breathing laughing flesh is enough" stood out to me, a lot.

    I also think [5] captures the mystery and insane beauty of females very well. The female form IS very complex and offers unimaginable feelings that could never be experienced without them.

    Jeff
    I am going to definitely try some meditation. I don't know what demon is lurking within me but it has to get out. I am always in a very unhealthy and unstable place, and I cannot figure out the underlying issues. I believe it to be a lot of different things. I have very co-morbid diagnoses, so it's always a fight to figure out what the hell I'm dealing with on what certain days.
    Meditation could definitely help me figure out what I'm dealing with during the day, and hopefully expel these monsters that live inside my head. My friend is into Buddha meditation, so maybe I'll do some of that with her. It has definitely made me feel liberated in the past.
    I wish the flatline wasn't scaring me so much. This would be a lovely time for me to collect myself, but it's making me scared as hell o_O
    I have gotten better than when I was first starting the reboot, but progress is slow, and sure as hell not linear.
    As it's probably obvious about my mood swings, some of my posts aren't negative and then some of them are out of control despair. That's pretty much how my days are every few hours, they change drastically and uncontrollably. My therapist isn't sure what to make of it.



    About my day.
    Well, last night something interesting happened.
    My friend was just messing around and she took my hand and put it in her shirt and underneath her bra and I squeezed her boob, and I immediately started getting hard. My hand was only under there very briefly (like a second or two) and my dick didn't get that hard, but it started to. No idea if it woulda kept getting harder or not if I continued. But that was pretty cool considering the last 2 one night stands I had literally gave me no reaction. Iono if that was all the harder I'd get or if my dick would've done that dumb shit where it would get fully hard and then die on me, but maybe this is a sign of progress.

    Today was slow, and didn't accomplish too much. Went to the gym which I ran considerably further at a tougher incline than I had the week before. I only started a week ago, but have noticed some awesome improvements. I might be sorta getting set up on a blind date on Halloween, but I don't know yet. My friends say this girl is wicked cool, but I'm worried about my ability to date someone still. Couldn't hurt to meet her though.

    Still going with this reboot. Hasn't been terrible today. I'm very upset about other things and a dream I had about my ex is still haunting me, but no use in ruminating on that shit.

    Gonna find something to do for the night so I don't drive myself crazy.
    I had a knife up against my skin ready to cut myself, and I put it away and didn't hurt myself. Sounds pretty lame, but it's a big step for me.
    I'm going to stay positive. Thank you all for your support. Stay beautiful!
     
  15. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Congrats on the boob-grab, Dr. Evil, AND on not cutting yourself! Progress is progress- it's different for everyone, but it's what we're all here for.

    Keep climbing!
     
  16. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Its an awesome sign you started to respond to touching her and she didnt have to touch your dick.
     
  17. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 45.

    This isn't me.
    I'm not mechanical.
     
  18. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Keep going brother. We're all behind you.
     
  19. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Lol Jeff's behind you. I'm beside you (Spartan phalanx-style. see Fig 1.)

    Fig.1
    [​IMG]

    Just messing with you, Jeff.
     
  20. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Hahaha Apeman, that made me laugh, which is surprising considering the mood I'm in.
     

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