Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 34. :'(

Holy shit today is awful! I feel horny as fuck and wanna rub one out so damn bad but even stroking my dick doesn't seem to be making it very hard, I'm also kinda freaking out so iono if that's part of it. I'm getting real fucking scared and I also feel like I'm about to come and I'm not even fully hard. I need to stop touching my dick like right now and jump in the shower.
If I am this horny why the fuck can't my dick just get hard like it's supposed to. Motherfuck. I was kinda stroking it and it just felt like I was gonna come before it even got all the way hard.
Ughhhhhh this is driving me totally insane.
I'm scared that I'm ruining my dick even more by neglecting it.
Once again goddamn thoughts of my fucking ex gets my shit going 100% but what the fuck why is it only her? Fucking fuck.
Fuck this shit. Fuck this shit so hard.

Where the fuck is my normal sex drive? :'(
My dick wasn't this fucked up before I started no MO

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Hey man, it seems like many people have strong urges in the 35-45 range (I know I did), so stay extra vigilant.
If you have been tempted to touch your dick, here are some suggestions:

-Go for a long walk, and when you're walking try to think of something to distract you (I try to figure out my grades, etc.)
.In general, just get away from any environments which facilitate relapse.

-I know that you probably know this, but remind yourself that its just your brain wanting its feeding. It doesn't know what's best for you, it just want to get its fix.

-I was reading life hacker last night, and they said that clenching muscles like the fist and biceps increases willpower (and can also deflate the dick lol).

-Try eating food, healthy food. Half of the time your MO cravings could really be cravings for food. Will power also uses a higher amount of glucose.

Good luck, man! I know you can do it. All this suffering will pay off.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Also,

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

^^^ I must have hit my max level today lol

I managed to not MO.
I thought the edging might have sent me in a flatline cause for a little bit it felt like my dick was shrinking back into like an almost 'tight and withdrawn" state, but like 30 minutes after I took a shower I suddenly got a memory surge of my ex and thinking of her gave me a goddamn boner again.

I'm getting kinda sick thinking about my fucking cunt of an ex girlfriend.
I'm going to stop acting like getting hard from thought over her is progress because I've always been able to do that.
It just gives me hope that I still CAN get hard for someone.

Yeah, after M'ing some (not to O) it really wasn't making me hard, but I think my nerves took over real bad.
Got 100% hard from thought afterwards... makes so much fucking sense, right?

I'm going out tonight so maybe I'll just fuck around and hit on some girls just for the fuck of it.
What could it hurt?

Getting myself in a reaaaaaaally bad spot with that Russian girl and her friend. Shiiiiiiittt.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Your dick is fine. I get hard from thoughts as well. You need to cut the fantasy its just stinulating your brain like porn. Allow yourself to be turned on by real girls like the fantasy, this can only happen with time away from it and more time with girls which you got covered.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Day 35.

Woke up like I got fucking murked.
Went hard last night. Fucking liquor lol

No morning wood in sight. Whenever I stay over my friends house on this one specific couch I never have morning wood. I also always get shit sleep there and have no idea where I am for a handful of seconds cause I'm hungover or still drunk lol.

ANYWAYS, when I went downstairs and hung out with her I was sitting on the couch and iono what brushed my mind but I started getting hard, then when I was lookin at her I thought about playing with her boobs and got like a good 80% boner totally good for PIV, and the boner lasted for a while. Like while I was on her couch, when I was walking around, when I got to the car, through the entire car ride, (5 min), and until the time I got to the coffee shop, then it died down. I'll fucking take it =)

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

See its working man. You will be good in no time with all the rewiring you have. Mental aspects can effect you as well man, constantly stressed etc Hope you relax a little more now.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Day 36.

Writing this kinda late.
Nothing really interesting to report.
Can't say I have any indications of progress whatsoever.

Russian girl has driven me over the edge. She is a psycho.
Like absolutely bat shit insane.

I've started to come to terms with myself that I will never have a girlfriend again.
I also have come to terms that I most likely won't be moving on to grad school. I just simply can't do it.
This is the lowest point in my life.

I had three great long term relationships with a great sex life in each (each like a year to two and a half years), and I believe that was all I was meant to have.

I've been managing to find some coping mechanisms, even though they are self destructive and unhealthy.

This is extremely fucking difficult for me to deal with mentally, like I seriously cannot emphasize quite how distressing and upsetting this is, but unfortunately life has dealt me some of the shittiest cards ever.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Hey man, you're doing so well in your reboot. When I was on the day that you are on now, I didn't really notice too much of an improvement at all. But from what I gather, that will change eventually; some guys take longer than 60 days before they notice anything significantly improving, so stick with it!

There are many insane women out there, lol. Don't think that you will be single forever, that will change. My advice to you is to enjoy the benefits of being single while you can.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

I had three great long term relationships with a great sex life in each (each like a year to two and a half years), and I believe that was all I was meant to have.

At least you've had something, man. I've never had a girlfriend, not even close to that. Never had sex without paying for it.

How about you drop this overwhelmingly negative attitude and realize you've had much more than most guys in this forum?

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Sorry guys, I don't mean to sound like a cunt. I'm trying real hard to not be negative but I just constantly feel alone and terrible and I come here to vent and bitch. I just feel so disconnected from everything, like my perception on life is entirely different, and it's scaring me.

I have the urges to hit on a girl and take her home but my physical sex drive is completely gone. Physically and emotionally I feel like a different person, and I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't feel human anymore.

I'm sure you guys can relate to how I feel.
I know I had something, but that in no way satiates me now nor my future if I'm stuck this way.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

You're struggling because you're desperate to do something you don't feel ready to. Something that you don't really want to do, you just believe you have to.

If you feel like shit, if you don't even feel human then this is absolutely not the time to hit on women, to cope with their shit and start a relationship. I'll tell you by experience: even if you do score with a girl right now, it'll make all the shit boiling inside of you explode like a bomb. You're too unstable to have someone else's life melding with your own.

I know it's much easier said than done, but right now you need to focus on yourself. You need to fill your life with proactivity, you need to find other sources of happiness. All the hot women in the world won't make you happy if you're making yourself miserable by default.

That's basically how guys get addicted to sex: they believe the next woman will be the one but she never is, and that goes on and on until they get addicted to this behavior.

So long story short, forget about women for now and find other things that make you happy. Get a job if you don't have one, find a hobby, join a club, do volunteer work, whatever. Your life is a mess right now, do you think a woman can fix it all for you?

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Feel the exact same way man...

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

I really cant feel sorry for you having 3 great long term relationships with sex for many years each. Not to mention the amount of time you spend with different girls now.

I have had sex about 20 times only 3 times not paying for it, Every time ED issues. Never had a girlfriend.

Your so far beyond guys like me and cid its not funny. You have all this experience which will benefit you and then you write you wont ever get laid or get a girl again.

Completely irrational.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Yes, I have had good past relationships, but that doesn't change what is happening now and how fucked up I feel.
I'm not asking for pity, part of this journal is for me and my sake alone so that I can get this monumental pressure off my chest.
I really do appreciate all of you that read this and give me feedback.
I take everyone's words and advice very seriously and it's been impossibly helpful for me.
Thank you all.

I might sound irrational but I can't change the way this is making me feel.
I am experiencing serious ED issues with girls, like no response, and I feel like I am stuck now.
It's crushing my soul and ruining shit between me and girls that I develop serious feelings for.

I feel like something I've been saying rubbed a handful of you the wrong way, and I'm sorry for that.
I'm not trying to be difficult, I am just in a lot of pain.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

I repeat my previous comment. This is not the time for you to think about women. You can either let go of it and run a decent reboot, or you can keep smashing your head against the wall over it. Your choice.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Day 37.

A few people said that my voice sounds deeper than normal. Weird, never thought that would happen. Maybe I really am getting a testosterone spike. If it continues that way for another few days then I'll really know.

I stopped smoking cigarettes almost entirely for the past 3 days; just have had a few drags from some people. Haven't had any real cravings for them. I'll take it.

My therapist said she thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Not sure how to feel about that...

One of my friends today told me the only reason she hasn't killed herself is because of me.
So yeah, it's been kinda an interesting day.

Also, I saw a picture of a woman in a swim suit with nice boobs on facebook and had a very sudden and quick urge to look at porn. Haven't really had urges like that, it was strong, but very brief. I simply just clicked away from the picture. Problem solved. I think it was brief because I immediately diverged myself. Not fucking around. No sir 8)

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Day 38.

Off day. Wicked cycles in and out of despair.
Almost cried in class.

Ugh, fuck. Feeling pretty dead today, again.
I'm more machine now than man.
My life is rapidly changing as well in other ways than just sexually.
I'm not really sure what's going to happen in the near future.
I'm coming close to finishing uni, and for some reason it's morbidly depressing. The world is now mine to explore. Fucking grad school. I can't do that shit at this time in my life. A 4 year degree in psychology is at least something. I need to start working to establish independence. This is a very bad time for me to break out into this
I'll keep fighting for something positive that will make future iHaveSeenEvil happy.

My voice still seems to be a bit deeper.
Sexually I feel devoid, empty and no where near a libido.
I see pretty/cute/hot/sexy girls everywhere!!!
Ahhhhhhhhhhh

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Hey, I'm a Psych major too! What do you plan on doing career wise once you're completely done school? I don't feel like taking on graduate school ugh.

One day you'll get through all of these mood swings and painful stuff, and when you do, it will all be worth it.

Today you tied my longest streak, it was a relapse that came out of nowhere... so make sure you keep your guard up!!!!

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

Day 39.

Invictuscreed,
I want to go for clinical therapy. Haven't decided exactly what subfield, but I'm thinking sex or addiction therapy. Let's just say I can relate... haha.
But I think imma hold off on grad school for now. Way too much for me to deal with.

I got a boner when I was staring at my friend and focusing on sexual stuff with her. (She was busy on her laptop lol).
It did not feel like real libido and just a byproduct of me trying very hard to summon a hard on.
Thinking of her though with vanilla fantasy did sorta get me going briefly.

Today has been unproductive.
We watched a video about sex in class that was part pornographic. Showed people fucking on porn sets with some revealed nudity and lots of tits being grabbed. Fucking come on, Uni.
Didn't give me urges, just kinda made me mad that my sex life is fucked.
Can't say it turned me on either, and I mostly tried to not watch it.

Felt extreme urges for romance when I was writing poetry today and looking at shit on Tumblr. Spent a lot of time indulged in my poetry actually.

Paid a lot of attention to girls' bodies today. Jesus fuck I just wanna fuck them.
No, was not that film in class that caused this ^
Was happening before class.

Oh yeah also my friend slept over and I had a dream I hooked up with her and got a hard on but prematurely ejaculated everywhere lol. Woke up with a hard on, but haven't had a wet dream yet. Hmm.
She slept pretty close to me in bed for most of the night which was comforting.
Her face was real close to mine when I woke up in the middle of the night.
I stared at her lips for a while and then went back to sleep.