Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by iHaveSeenEvil, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 126.

    Seems as though that shitty burst of sadness only did last a few days!

    Lyss stayed over last night and my dick decided that it really liked her.
    At first it seemed like I wasn't going to get hard, but after a few minutes of touching her body I was fully hard and stayed that way the entire time.
    We fucked again twice in the morning and had good erections both times; no delay in getting hard, either.
    I suppose just with the nature of this non-linear recovery I should expect it to not be perfect every once in a while.
    Overall, it seems to be on the right track ^.^

    Went to a sick bowling alley/lounge last night.
    Only had one drink at the bar for the entire night.
    Entirely sober tonight as well.
    My after-images seem to be fading down way more as well.
    When I look at neon lights at the bar I don't see a crystal clear image of it when I look away from it, I kinda don't see any kind of after-image anymore.

    I hung up an enormous tapestry in my room today of 'The Tree of Life'.
    I mean this thing is fucking huge. I hung it from the top of my wall and it still is slightly bunched up at the bottom, lol.
    It really makes a nice atmosphere in my room.
    Also, it's something with a positive aura, which I like.
    I tend to drown myself in negativity far too often.

    Well, I'm drinking some nighttime herbal tea and watching Netflix.
    I've found some peace and serenity again. :)
  2. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Good stuff man its all coming together for you man and 3 times having sex in 24 hours means your cured of PIED for sure. A normal guy will still need some extra touching to get aroused some times. Wont always be drop your dacks and rock hard.

    Cant wait to experience the peaceful feeling and weight iff the shoulders of fixing ED and having a girl thats keen. It seems to have turned the tables completely for you man.
  3. fflatline

    fflatline New Member

    Fuck yea man it sounds to me ur cured or real close to it I can't wait to experience it's as well or with my girlfriend it's gunna be so awesome! Have u felt more arousal towards real women since ur first time having sex? Do u feel it more and more the desire?
  4. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Dr. Evil gets it together! I know I've said this too many times already, but it's really cool seeing your arc, man. You're living proof that this business works.

    Keep shining, brother.
  5. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 129.

    This day, exactly a year ago, I was going to a doctor to talk to him about my suicidal impulses and my total ED.
    I didn't know who I was.
    Didnt know what I wanted to be.
    And I wasn't sure how much longer I was going to let myself remain in this world.
    Exactly one year ago I made this journal.

    Thank you everyone who has been here for me.
    I have made more progress than I could have ever imagined, I entirely turned my mental health around and I feel amazing for it.
    I have accomplished what I thought I would never be able to.
  6. NewNotComer

    NewNotComer Never Stray From The Way

    In almost exactly 12 hours, I am going to see a urologist about my ED. A couple of days ago, I called a center to seek psychological help. It is closed for the time being, otherwise I'd also have a psychologist appointment. Our situations seem rather similar.

    I can only hope that one year from now I'll be able to look back on my journal and be like you are now.

    I am very happy for you. Never give up. Never stray from the way. :)
  7. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Good job man. Its like day and night with the changes you have had in a short time.

    I'm coming up very shortly on my own 2 year milestone for trying to beat this and makes me think looking back how 'quickly' (In recovery terms) you actually changed it all around.
  8. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    I'm not sure what to consider myself other than recovered.
    It really was like an immediate turn around with the ED, but it wouldn't have happened without a long reboot.
    The weight will fall off your shoulders soon, too. It's the most liberating feeling.

    I definitely have an elevated arousal towards real women.
    It's a little difficult to explain though, it's mostly initially a cognitive attraction.
    Just looking at a random hot girl will never give me a blood rush or a semi.
    However, physical contact with a girl gives me more of a body high, or a sense of euphoria. Butterflies and excitement, I'll say.
    And of course intimate touching gives me erections.
    I don't simply look at girls and feel "ready to go".
    Sometimes I even feel borderline flatlined before Lyss and I get sexy, and boom, erections will still happen.
    I don't constantly feel horny like I need to fuck, but I know when the moment happens I will be ready to go.
    But now I know that I am capable of getting erections for them, so now girls are much more appealing to check out.
    Fortunately for my girlfriend, all my attention and focus goes to her. Even when I'm not with her.
    Before porn made me feel like I needed to have sex with every girl, and it made my past relationships feel dull and empty.
    Now I get the benefit of finding my girlfriend extremely fucking attractive and I don't feel any urge to seek out other girls.
    Best of both worlds.

    Say it a thousand more times!
    I'm proud of what I accomplished, and I feel like I made a giant leap in the right direction.
    My fight is not over yet, but I feel better equip and solid to handle myself with shit hits the emotional fan.

    I was in a very dark place before.
    I ended up inpatient at a psych ward, and I saw at least 6 different psychologists/psychiatrists, none of which helped me.
    I was cutting, abusing alcohol and drugs, like hard drugs, which led me to develop HPPD. Something I regret as much as my PMO days.
    I had absolutely no will to live, and I could not stop thinking about suicide.
    Hold your hand in boiling water and try to not think about the boiling water. That's how hard it was to not think about killing myself.
    I missed class at 11am on multiple occasions because I was already too drunk and high (by myself) to get there.
    I binged so hard that I legit had the shakes; really bad withdrawal. Constant sweating, hard to breathe, I couldn't do homework cause I was shaking too hard, ect.
    I mean it was really, really bad.
    So yeah, lol, if I was able to pull myself out of that abyss of 100% hell, I believe you will be able to as well.
    Sorry to just drop all that horrible shit, but it's a good measure of how much I turned things around.
  9. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 142.

    Had sex once Monday night.
    Three times on Tuesday.
    Twice today.
    Zero erection problems each time.

    HPPD hasn't been bothering me either.

    Everything is going well!
  10. NewNotComer

    NewNotComer Never Stray From The Way

    That is excellent news, man! Very happy for you! I can only hope my recovery is as good as yours.
  11. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Good shit man your a absolutely killing it.
  12. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 153.

    I had sex 4-5 times earlier this week.
    I had sex 4 times in the past 24 hours.
    Some really fucking good sex.

    Give me 15-20 minutes and I am solid as fuck to go again.
    Last week I banged Lyss 3 times in a row with only 15 minute intervals.
    Orgasms are never sending me into a flatline.
    I feel sexually satisfied, not flatlined.

    I've had successful sex 15 times in a row in the past 10 days.
    A few erections I had were 80-90% but that's as bad as it got, which isn't bad at all, and it was only for short durations.

    HPPD (as always) is working some disturbing afterglows.
    Significantly improved in the past year or so.
    It's a true nightmare that may never end.
    It's just like a permanent knife jammed deep into my sanity.
    I'll anticipate a potential full recovery in a few years.
    I don't cling to dear life to Xanax, Ativan, or K-pins anymore, but I still take em every other day.
    They make me feel sober which is honestly the best fucking feeling anymore.
    I sometimes have visual hallucination issues, but they aren't as strong or anxiety provoking.
  13. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Sounds really satisfying mate. I think every guy gets a few sluggish erections every now and then, If you are having sex in 15 minute intervals then i think your fully recovered. Cant wait to get their.
  14. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 160.

    Fucked Lyss at least four more times.
    Maybe more. I'm not keeping track so much anymore.
    My erections were 110% raging every single time.
    Extremely. Fucking. Awesome.

    I hate myself so much for getting into psychedelics.
    The only thing I can say for sure that helps is sobriety.
    It's such a poorly understood disorder.
    Exercise and eating well can only help, I believe.
    It's been so gradual of a recovery that it's hard to notice.
    I've just been feeling all around better lately anyways, so regardless, my life is improving.
    Having lowered anxiety makes everything easy to deal with.

    I encourage you to explore a more positive mindset.
    It will make the world look less evil.

    If this isn't full recovery than I dont know what is.
    I keep meaning to post something in the Success Stories but there is so much I want to say and I procrastinate it, lol.
  15. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 166.

    I learned the hard way indeed, especially with drug use ::)
    Made me a wiser person and I take nothing in life for granted anymore.

    Had sex 4 more times with nice erections.
    Pretty fucking nice streak of like 20+ times with no erection problems occurring.
    Nothing else to report.
  16. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Great job mate. Success story time?
  17. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 167.

    I had an employee review today at work and it went extremely well.
    I am excelling in multiple areas that my managers are very happy with.
    Specifically with training new employees, and being able to be versatile and performing pretty much anything they need me to do.
    It completely made my day to finally have recognition that I go above and beyond at work.

    I also enjoyed a very nice autumn day outside with Lyss and went out to dinner with her.
    I received a very spectacular blowjob while we were watching a movie too.

    Overall my day went exceptionally well.

    Yes, success story as soon as I stop procrastinating, lol.

    I've never taken anything near 10mg of any benzo, but I really do love Lorazepam.
    Specifically Alprazolam is my poison, but I also like Clonzaopam.
    I've never actually gotten "fucked up" on benzos, however.
    Sometimes I'll have a few beers after popping 1mg and that has made me feel brain dead, but I'm generally coherent and composed.
    Xanax, my favorite, really, really helps with HPPD/DPDR, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and OCD.
    It is literally a cure-all for any negative emotion I am feeling.
    It can make me feel from 0/10 to 10/10.
    I'm also extremely manic/bipolar, which may simply be a bad by product of Borderline Personality Disorder, so it's not uncommon for me to rapidly jump from feeling on top of the world to suicidal, or vice versa.
    Having an unconditionally loving and supportive girlfriend has worked miracles as well.
    Either way, Alprazolam has always effectively helped relieve any bad feelings.
    Ativan and K-pins work as well, but in my experience they are not as strong, therefore not as great of a relief.
    I suffer from anxiety to an extreme extent, so it's no wonder a drug like that helps me so much.
    If I take one before I go to sleep I notice I don't deal with HPPD hallucinations the next day- they're essentially non-existent.
    I'd much rather feel doped out as fuck than deal with my raging anxiety, but if I take it the night before then I sleep very well and feel clear minded the next day.

    My reboot has positively affected my drug use.
    I used to be at a point where I would already be too drunk and high to make it to class at 1pm.
    One morning in particular I remember I took Vicodin, Xanax and proceeded to start drinking alcohol as soon as I woke up because I literally needed every feeling in my mind to stop.
    I was in a bad place.
    Now I am free of erectile dysfunction, and I have returned to reality, and am now able to hold an extremely healthy relationship with a girl I am in love with.
    I received everything I wanted out of recovery from porn.
    I will responsibly take 1mg of benzos a few times a week now at most, and it's for instrumental purposes, such as relieving massive anxiety.
    With HPPD I have sworn off any psychedelic or dissociative drugs forever, including weed
    Last time I got hotboxed with second hand smoke my vision was so fucked and tripped out for a week or so after.
    I'll do coke once a blue moon, but I've entirely stopped taking harder drugs, research chemicals, or any of those weird methamphetamine/trippy analogs.

    Life is much better.

    Sorry for the extremely long response, lol.
  18. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 170.

    Everything is going well.
    Been staying sober the past two nights but holy shit is this boredom overwhelming.
    Being sober feels so lame.
    I wish I felt differently.
  19. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Will be nice to see your success story when you can be bothered to write it lol.

    Your nearly 6 months no porn mate which is really good. Really want to be were your at without the porn and ED in the next 6-12 months.
  20. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Wow, you are doing amazingly dude. 30 days before the big 200. Keep grinding.
    Such a huge difference between you from before and now.

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