Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by iHaveSeenEvil, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Orgasms do not send me into a flatline at all anymore.
    I've been orgasming an upwards of 4 times on some days, probably an average of 10-15 times a week.

    My best answer would be to read my posts since mid June, specifically since the beginning (first post) of my 23rd page of this journal. June 10th.
    I've journaled pretty detailed information about my rewiring process.
    It's a bit of a long read and includes a lot of my over emotional thoughts, but it's pretty detailed with all parts of my recovery erection wise.
    But to make it much shorter I've had about 2 and a half months of rewiring, and I get great erections every time I'm gonna have sex.
    The first 2 weeks to a month I had kinda shitty and short lasting erections, most of this was not sex related, more kissing and fondling.
    Everything past that has been pretty good and consistent erections, with a couple failures, which seem to have 100% ironed themselves out.
    I had pretty consistent rewiring, at least every other day we would kiss and cuddle a lot, usually every day.
    My erections came back pretty quick, but the 100% consistency took like a month and a half to two months, and even during that time they were pretty good.
    I went from total ED with girls to 100% erections every time, so I consider it a pretty fucking good full recovery.
  2. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Yea rewiring really seemed to do the trick for you. Im a bit skeptical about it though for myself.

    You said you had plenty of sex pre ED though as well if im not mistaken?
  3. fflatline

    fflatline New Member

    I'm so fuckin hyped reading your spry because that's how I feel with my gf.That's fuckin awesome bro I'm going to try the same approach kiss and cuddle everyday and limit my Os to once a week to test with her and see how it goes man hopefully I can rewire quickly it's gunna be my first time having sex at all and I expect some failures tbh but as long as I can wire to my gf in the long run I'll be happy at what month did u start the rewiring process?
  4. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Yeah, I had a lot of sex prior to my ED.
    I'm not sure how significant that factor was in my recovery.

    I'm glad you find it inspirational/motivating!
    I started rewiring in mid June, which was when I started hooking up with Lyss.
    We took things pretty slow for a few weeks.
    We made out a ton and had a lot of intimate passion, but it wasn't sexual.
    I saw her pretty much every day, maybe like 5+ times a week.

    The thing I have to emphasize the most is don't worry about if you'll get hard or not.
    It will make everything really not fun, and it usually makes it more difficult to get an erection.
    Even if you don't get hard, you can still have an extremely sensual and fun time with a girl- you'd be surprised, a good girlfriend will be understanding and not get upset about it in any way.
    Worrying will make it difficult to enjoy.
    And to be honest if you're rebooting/rewiring for ED you probably will run into some issues with your erections not being where you want them to be; do not view this as a problem.
    This is just for now. You will recover.

    In the long run though you will start recovering.
    This whole fucking ED nightmare will be a thing of the past.
  5. fflatline

    fflatline New Member

    I understand that completely if your erections weren't were u wanted them to be did u continue having sex when u felt like it or did u take a break?
  6. Mr J

    Mr J Guest

    Congratulations man, what an incredible transformation. I often feel a little like you describe so for someone with those extremities to succeed against some odds is very uplifting and gives me great hope and faith. You have reclaimed your life, the world is your oyster my friend :)
  7. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Aw yeah

    Doc, having seen you in the darkest depths of anhedonia, it warms my heart to see how happy you've become. It is truly beautiful to see the strides you've made.

    To what do you credit this streak? Lyss?
  8. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    If I went completely flaccid I obviously had to stop, lol.
    Sometimes my erections were like 70-80% (not where I wanted them), but I would always keep going.
    I didn't stress myself out about it and just enjoyed the moment.

    Thanks man! :)
    I've come a long way with this.
    I felt like I was literally against the world with this.
    But, I eventually won.
    The world feels more beautiful and enjoyable now.

    Anhedonia is probably the best way to describe what my life used to be.
    I couldn't feel.
    At all.
    Nothing, except the most debilitating hatred and depression.
    Things are much different these days! :)

    Lyss probably has a majority to do with my current streak.
    Loneliness was the biggest disasterpiece to my failures/relapses.
    I was stuck in a torture pit of desolation and emptiness.
    I don't feel this way anymore.

    While she is one of the biggest contributors to my happiness, I've also learned to not entirely hate myself.
    It probably comes off as though I've thrown every egg I have in the basket known as Lyss, but I've grown a lot too.
    I feel more full and alive, even without her.
    I sincerely proved to myself I am capable of being exactly what I've dreamed of being.

    Having a girlfriend, though, has been the most significant help to curbing relapses.
    Having a real, beautiful and objective reason for why I'm recovering has kept my motivation infinitely high.
  9. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 114.

    For two days now I've had zero symptoms of HPPD or DPDR.
    Anxiety has also been non-existent.

    There is a peace I am incapable of explaining.
    Life feels liberating, free, and magical.

    My thoughts.
    My hands.
    They feel normal.
  10. fflatline

    fflatline New Member

    Getting a great and beautiful gf is all the motivation you need man it's driven me to this point
  11. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 118.

    Went out last night which was pretty fun.
    Work was pretty good today despite having less sleep than I wanted, plus having drank last night.
    Hung out with Lyss again, as usual.
    I can't get enough of this girl.
    I'm so happy with her.

    My vision has been kinda fucked up the past few days so I'm calling it sober for a while.
    Hit the liquor a little hard on Friday night, I think that had a direct role in it.
    I've been having some tracers, trails and afterimages.
    Kinda makes my vision looks as though it's lagging, or something.
    It's really difficult to explain.

    Those things don't bother me nearly as much as other issues I've had, but I would still like them to hopefully go the fuck away.
    If I don't pay attention to it, I don't notice it so much.
    But intentionally not trying to think about something makes it difficult not to think about.

    And still, they are minor to what they used to be, especially the tracers.

    Also had to dip off of Tumblr tonight.
    Goddamn thing was flooded with porn.
    Ran into some porn gif that I really liked.
    I started getting hard from briefly looking at it.
    Tumblr was then turned off.

    Otherwise, today was pretty good.
    Little anxiety, lots of cuddles with my girlfriend, lots of making out with her, lots of love.
  12. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Putting your energy where it counts ;)
    Keep up the good work, Doc.
  13. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 119.

    Thanks Apeman. :)

    Glad I went sober last night.
    Staying sober again tonight too.
    I think this is the longest stretch of me being entirely sober this entire year ::)
    I always have at least 1 or 2 beers, if not that then I'll take a benzo/seroquel.
    I don't even feel like getting fucked up.

    My tracers lost their edge today, staying sober is helping, I believe.
    I may always have them, but it really gets frustrating when they're obnoxious.
    I also stomped my previous running records.
    Ran further than I have all summer, 2.5 miles.
    Didn't have to take a break or walk for any of it, which I usually do.
    Had a good 8 and a half minute mile average too.

    I haven't had a cigarette for almost two weeks, which is probably helping.
    Bought an e-cig and that shit is helping me.
    Quitting cigarettes is a cunt.

    I also felt a little more cognitively solid today.
    I was singing along to a burned CD and didn't fuck up the lyrics where I normally do, on multiple songs.
    I don't know all the songs too well, but I seemed to remember the lyrics much clearer than usual.
    I attribute this to not having drank the night before.
    I can only imagine what I'll feel like if I don't drink for longer.
    Drinking every night is probably having a severe effect on my physical and mental health that I can't even comprehend.

    I also created a really funky riff on the bass that I absolutely love.
    My sister's boyfriend, Nick, played some really groovy drums to it too.
    We definitely created something that sounded awesome.
    We recorded what we were working with so we will remember it.
    A nice, lovely, totally shitty sound quality recording on my phone, lol.

    My irrational fears of abandonment are fucking with me though.
    Lyss only texted me back once tonight after we talked on the phone and my mind just wants to jump to dark places.
    I have extremely catastrophic thinking and I know they're irrational.
    I think I'm also scarred from fucked up past relationships and I just keep thinking she is cheating on me or has lost all interest.
    And I know this isn't true.
    I see her every single day, except today, and she's always completely into me.
    Doesn't mean my irrational thoughts aren't a nuisance.
    Also reminds me that I still need to work on being happy with and by myself, and not accrue all my happiness through Lyss.
    At least I'm aware of what I'm dealing with, and I realize that I'm being irrational.
    She's a perfect girlfriend.
    Everything is fine.

    I also figured out what I want to get Lyss for her birthday!
    It's not for like 2 months, but I suck, suck, and fucking suck at getting gifts, lol, and I worry a lot about not making it perfect.

    Overall, I feel like I learned a lot today.
  14. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 120.

    Third night entirely sober again.
    Been feeling good.

    Tracers seem to still be here, but my entire field of vision isn't lagging, so I can ignore it for the most part.

    Turns out all my irrational fears of abandonment are in fact entirely irrational.
    BPD is a nightmare.
    Had a great night with Lyss cuddling on her bed watching American Horror Story.
    We missed a ton of the plot because we were too busy making out.
    She was super affectionate and cuddly.
    We had sex, but had to keep it quiet and do it in a subtle position because of her dad being around the house so I didn't get to go all out like I wanted.
    It's pretty difficult to be dissatisfied with any sex though, especially cause I physically couldn't have it not too long ago.
    So in my opinion it was still fucking amazing.

    I've been sleeping pretty well lately too.
    Before it was impossible for me to fall asleep sober.
    I've been doing well though.
    Not waking up every 30 minutes either like usual.
    I feel as though exercising is helping a lot.
  15. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Sounds good mate especially the other stuff improving as well. How did you manage the sex sneaking knowing her dad was around?
  16. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    We were having sex from a spooning position.
    We were in her bed, and you can't see her bed from the hallway, but we were just being cautious in case her dad decided to just walk into her room, which he didn't.
  17. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    The contrast between "before" and "after" on your journal is fucking phenomenal, Doc.
    Keep killin' it
  18. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 122.

    So for whatever reason I ended up having ED issues last night and this morning.
    Last night it was pretty bad, took me forever to get hard enough for sex.
    This morning it worked perfectly the first time.
    Then the second time it was being pretty lame, not as bad as last night though.
    The two bad times I was still able to get hard enough to have successful sex, but it was still a slight bit shitty and weak.

    I have an understanding girlfriend though, so it's not all that bad.
    Things have been going well enough lately for me to not really get too upset about this happening.
    I've been staying the fuck away from porn so I know I am doing everything I need to be doing.
    I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing, so I'll focus more on what I should be proud of myself for.
    I'm sure it will clear up anyways.

    I had a few beers at a party last night, but tonight I'm not drinking again.
    I haven't really felt like drinking lately, which is super awesome.
    Been feeling better for it =)
  19. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Happens to everyone man your still recovering so ED here and their isn't too much to be concerned by.
  20. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 124.

    Apeman, the transition feels fucking phenomenal.
    I will fight teeth and nail to keep myself this way.

    gameover, yeah, I can't let it concern me. I'm clearly making more than enough progress.

    So today only reinforced the fact that some of my friends are total shit.
    They're just genuinely bad people.
    They have zero respect for me.
    Fuck em, I have better people in my life.
    They can rot in hell.

    I felt a looming depression today about life.
    While a lot made me happy today, there was still some unpleasant undertone that wanted to creep in.
    Sometimes suffering from HPPD makes me feel entirely alienated.
    No one understands it.

    My libido also feels pretty low.
    It's still existent, but just low.
    It's probably just an off couple days.

    In better news I had a good night with Lyss.
    I also have only had 8 beers this week.
    This include me being at a party, a bar crawl, and a kegger. All three separate nights.
    Still a lot, but a major decrease from the average amount I drink ::)

    Had a good night last night as well at the bars.
    Some DD got too wasted and ended up vomiting up blood and had a massive nosebleed so I had to deal with a ton of shit to make sure him and his girlfriend got home safely, but apart from that ordeal it was pretty fun!

    Either way, it's late at night, and I'm laying around in my cold room.
    I've found a peace.
    It feels very serene and calm.
    Something I infrequently get to experience.
    I wish I always felt like this.

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