Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by iHaveSeenEvil, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 93.

    gameover, GoingPrimal, and Invictuscreed,
    Thank you infinitely! :)
    90 days is a good feel.

    My sister's boyfriend and I recently started a musical project called Necrocunt.
    It's like a mix between black metal and grindcore.
    We have a sick set up in our basement with instruments.
    I've just been fucking around with the bass and drumming, and it's actually sounding pretty legit.
    It's not too serious as of meow.
    We do have excellent chemistry with rhythm and creative preference.
    Our name will definitely change if this becomes anything bigger.
    It's nice having a hobby that's actually productive.
  2. tdctdc

    tdctdc Guest

    Sick news man!!!
  3. tdctdc

    tdctdc Guest

    btw, is the pic in your profile a pic of you and Lyss? it's really cute =]. I love pics like these where its sort of surreal and ambiguous in the face, doesn't show everything, etc.
  4. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    It is not us, I found that picture on Tumblr.
    My first avatar was of a guy hanging himself, and I changed it to something that wasn't outright negative.
    The picture of that couple really touches my heart; it's one of the most powerful and uplifting picture for me.
    When I come here to journal and see that picture it reminds me of my goals and how much I want what that picture portrays.
    Unlike coming here only to be reminded that I'm miserable and want to hang myself, lol.
    I do love the ambiguity of it, it leaves a lot for personal interpretation.

    The cuteness of that picture is how I feel about Lyss though. =)
  5. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 99.

    As of yesterday I am 25 years old now.
    Lyss and I had sex five times on my birthday.
    My erections were 100% and more.

    24 was the absolute worst year of my life.
    Plagued with ED, HPPD, high anxiety and suicidal depression.

    I'm going to try to leave that in my past.
    I'm going go make my 25th year alive better than what I was at.
    I'm feeling good about it :)
  6. Invictuscreed

    Invictuscreed Life is short; don't waste it

    Happy birthday, man! And in case I forget, congrats on 100 days!!

    When I first met you on this site you were in a total slump. But now, dude, you are starting to live the life you have wanted for so long! I am very happy for you! And I am sure things will continue to improve in the future :)

    Go reward yourself with a DQ blizzard or something lol. (That's what I would do :p)
  7. Jakovasaur_2019

    Jakovasaur_2019 Life is like a game of chess.

    Three things:

    1. Happy 25th birthday!!! You have come a LONG way! :D

    2. Congratulations on the 100 days and the girlfriend, AND the sex!

    3. See 1 and 2.

  8. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Sounds awesome man. 5 times in 1 day? Definitely cured.

    I turn 25 in 2 months as well. Happy bday
  9. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 103.

    Thanks everyone :)

    Managed to stumble upon an overly sexy music video last night.
    Tons of very sexy girls in lingerie dancing lewdly with each other.
    I was glued to it.
    It took like a full minute and a half to tear myself away from it.
    It wasn't porn by any means, but something I felt I probably shouldn't be playing with the fire of.
    I'm not upset about it, but just still gotta keep my guard up over triggering material.
    Jesus, what a fight this can be :p
  10. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 104.

    Had some good hard ons when fooling around with Lyss in my car tonight.
    We fooled around/made out for like a good hour and a half.
    She's having her monthly miscarriage right now so we couldn't fuck in the car.
    I've never minded period blood, and I do have an affinity for getting blood all over my sheets, but the car is a little different.
    She jerked me off twice, I had some pretty legit erections.
    Even started getting hard again after that.

    I can't keep my fucking hands off this girl.
    Goddamnit she is sexy ;)
  11. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Good stuff man. Just stay away from any stuff like lingerie videos.
  12. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 106.

    So normally I fall soft when I'm doing doggy style, which is always remedied by switching to missionary or something.
    Not tonight though.
    For the first time I was able to have complete awesome doggy style sex.
    Banged Lyss from behind right on top of my car, no issues.
    Doggy was the only position I've been having any problems with.
    I attempted it a couple times with Lyss since I've started dating her but sorta fell too soft for it to really work.
    It made shower sex and shit a bit of a problem.
    BUT, it appears as though any small last remaining issues are going straight to hell. In a good way, lol.
    Been dating her for less than 2 months.
    Rewiring has gone pretty goddamn fast.

    So it's now safe to say I've had successful sex is every position. 8)

    Also, I have a job interview tomorrow for something actually related to psychology.
    Would yins believe me if I said I was nervous? :p
    I've practiced answering questions to myself enough to where I feel comfortable, but still, nervous... lol.
  13. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Damn man rooting your girlfriend on the hood of your car? ED is definitely over for you mate. Pretty happy you got through it all must feel really relieving.
  14. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 107.

    It's a major weight off my shoulders, yes.
    ED caused me more anxiety, depression and dissociation than it should have.
    It definitely feels better overcoming it.

    My interview today went a lot better than I thought it would!
    Most people worry about being asked a hard question, I worry about being physically incapable of speaking because of anxiety.
    Like my anxiety is so fucked sometimes.

    Either way, I impressed myself with my performance.
    I answered everything the way I anticipated and wanted to.
    I'll find out soon as to whether or not they want me.
    I'm really not excited about the job though and may not take it, but we will see.

    I made the mistake and thought I totally conquered my anxiety and went out after and enjoyed a coffee which actually set my anxiety over the edge.
    I felt like shit for an hour or so during work, like really shitty, and just freaked out over nothing and everything.
    Derealization is what really fucks with me.
    Weird schisms in my thought patterns occur during my anxiety/derealization fits.

    I'm thinking about going back to therapy to see if I can do anything about my anxiety.
    Most days feel like a fucking fight for my life for no reason.
    It's kind of a major problem.

    I hung out with Lyss and Daly after work which was nice.
    Zero anxiety right meow.
  15. Invictuscreed

    Invictuscreed Life is short; don't waste it

    Keep going, man. You're doing really well!

    Have you tried green tea as an alternative? Green tea has L-Theanine, which helps to reduce anxiety

    Now that you have gone this far, do you feel more in control of your cravings?
  16. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    I've tried a lot of green tea and other stuff that people recommended, not sure how much it's helped.

    Also, I rarely have cravings.
    For me it's not so much about the streak/time away from porn as much as it is my mental state and situational factors.

    Being drunk, depressed and lonely has been the recipe for every relapse.
    With a girlfriend and a better overall mental state I rarely have urges, and they're only ever brief.
  17. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Great to see that you're still in the path of bettering yourself. Look at you, 110days of no PMO. That's amazing. You are achieving what so many wants. You have a girlfriend that is willing to have sex with you. YOu finallay have that passion that you've been craving for. I'm super happy for you. Keep grinding.
  18. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 112.

    Thanks Chammorrow!
    I've definitely gotten exactly where I want to be with a porn free life.
    99.9% of which was ED issues, lol.
    Another taxing thing with porn was I always felt like I was missing out when I was dating someone.
    Despite having amazing girlfriends, I always felt I was fucking my life up by not sleeping with as many women as possible.
    It had a toll on the relationships.
    I don't feel that way with Lyss.
    Every porn related issue I've had has meow been fixed.

    Friday night I fucked Lyss twice.
    Twice Saturday morning.
    Once Sunday night.
    Twice this morning.

    Fell soft once for about 5 minutes on Sunday night, but got my erection fully back and everything was fine.
    That was the only problem I had.
    And in reality it wasn't even a problem.

    I also went to some really cool bars over the weekend.
    An arcade bar, and a fancy as hell speakeasy.
    There was an Oddity Bar but it was closed this weekend, but you fucking bet I'm going back there sometime.
    An occult styled oddity place is right up my alley.
    I really love creepy, weird, bizarre and disturbing things, in case anyone hasn't realized this about me, lol.
  19. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Looks like your not going flat either with all that sex which is great.
  20. fflatline

    fflatline New Member

    How much rewiring did u do?

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