Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by iHaveSeenEvil, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Yeh the fact you have daily rewiring is awesome mate. Im sure it will all work out over the next few weeks.
  2. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 74.

    I implore myself to comprehend just how lucky I am to have Lyss.

    Jesus fuck, I have created something beautiful with the most perfect girl.

    She is so into me.
    Everything I do makes her ecstatic.
    And her kisses still give me butterflies.

    This feeling.
    This is what I've been dying for.

    Still, I am keeping myself on solid grounds.
    I'm not foolishly throwing every bit of my heart and dead soul aimlessly away.
    I'm not so manic depressive lately.
    Having some kind of emotional regulation has felt beyond awesome.

    Either way, Lyss feels perfect for me.
  3. Invictuscreed

    Invictuscreed Life is short; don't waste it

    Hey iHaveSeenEvil! Sorry I haven't posted on your journal in a while; I took a bit of a break from the forum. I am very happy for you, dude. You deserve the awesome changes that you have been describing! This post I'm quoting is very motivating to me, so thanks :)
  4. GoingPrimal

    GoingPrimal Age 20. A New Life

    That relationship sounds great, I am happy for you!
  5. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 77.

    It's good to hear from you!
    No apologies necessary if you've taken a break from the forum!
    I hope all has been well.
    Out of curiosity what specifically about that quote was motivating?
    I'm glad it meant something to you! I'm just curious.

    2014changed and GoingPrimal,
    Thanks guys!
    The relationship is going exceptionally well.
    I couldn't be happier with Lyss :)

    So a handful of days ago I had an experience where I couldn't get hard (as I wrote about), and another one where it took me a while to get hard and my erection wasn't quite where I wanted it to be, but last night my erection was perfect and this morning it was perfect.
    So regardless of any random bullshit, everything is going well!

    Lyss and I walked around a local park I've never been to before, and past dark her and I adventured over to a playground and chilled there at night for a while.
    We made out a shit ton while we were there.
    I feel so romantically and intimately free around her.
    I really enjoy spending time with her.

    I guarantee in my PMO days that a relationship like this would have never existed.
    PMO inevitably led me to feel numb, emotionless, and empty.
    Impotent as fuck with girls too.
    It made me dead inside.
    A void that only alcohol, Xanax, or cocaine could fill.
    Everything is different meow though.
    Everything is so much better.
  6. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Damn man. Definitely jealous, sounds like you just brushed that recent ED off like it was nothing and it worked.
  7. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Yeah, as I said I have substantial proof that I'm getting better so it's kinda pointless for me to ruminate on a small mishap.

    Also, anxiety is a massive killer for me.
    Especially when it comes to me getting hard.
    If I overthink this and work myself up an anxiety attack that's not gonna help me perform either, so I'm trying to keep my cool, which has been working.

    I would be lying if I said the ED incident didn't bother me, but I'm also trying to keep up a positive outlook.
    There is no need for me to be as hard on myself as I've been the past year.
    It's unhealthy beyond reason and I'm sure everyone who has been here supporting me can do without my endless negativity, lol.

    Either way, the positivity seems to be working for me!
    Dr. Evil is turning a new leaf.
  8. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 78.

    Had sex twice today with Lyss.
    Two times of 100% perfect erections.
    Really, really fucking amazing sex.

    I went kayaking with her on a lake earlier today.
    And we went to dinner at a really kick ass Mexican restaurant in a local town too.
    We cuddled a lot when we watched TV today.
    We kinda just cuddled a lot today in general. Just like every other day =)
    This girl is amazing.

    I had a really good day.
  9. GoingPrimal

    GoingPrimal Age 20. A New Life

    Definitely jealous haha. Sounds great man. A relationship like that = goals.
  10. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Seems like post after post it just gets better and better. Nice one.
  11. King of ED

    King of ED New Member

    As i said, a true inspiration ^^ congratz man. Think it's almost godly that you didn't only have better mental health, PIED cured but you also found love.

    If there is a God, i hope he has the same thing planned for me xD!

    I do have a question tho, im having a bit of a low libido day. I've had like 7 good days in a row and it's prolly still from flatlining. But your twice as long into reboot + you have a great gf. Do you still have these days that im having? It sounds like a stupid question but after being hooked on garbage for years i kinda forgot how it's supposed be..and seeing as you are in a better place i hope you know.

    Enjoy life! Your a cured man!! Goodluck!
  12. Hey man,

    as a number of people have mentioned, this is some inspiring shit :) I've also got a myriad of mental health issues, so seeing someone go from a pit of despair (which I'm basically still in, despite 90 days nopmo) to where you are now, is pretty amazing. I've been having a hard time even picturing what it would even look like for me to transform my life to the point where I'm 'happy' for longer than a day or two, but what you're describing makes that vision a lot clearer because your obstacles were relatable.

    I haven't read your journal in its entirety -- to what would you attribute your success, other than finding Lyss? She sounds freakin' awesome, and I clearly need a Lyss of my own haha. having a relationship like that almost seems like a mandatory next step to a full emotional/pied recovery. What worries me is that I'm too fucked up to land a quality girl like that, given all my insecurities/ emotional issues.

    Best of luck dude, I'll be referring back here when I have trouble feeling hopeful :)
  13. Invictuscreed

    Invictuscreed Life is short; don't waste it

    That quote had reminded me of when I had gone over a month. During that time I began to experience an incredible feeling of calmness mixed with an almost euphoric happiness. Just that small period of time was worth all of the effort I had put in. But since that time I have only been able to average a week of abstinence each time. So your quote has motivated me to keep going so I can get back to all of that awesomeness :D
  14. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    GoingPrimal and gameover,
    The relationship is still going pretty awesome!
    It's actually officially been a month today since I asked her to be my girlfriend.
    I have 100% met my goals with finding a girl!

    King of ED,
    My counter can be a little bit misleading, I have been abstaining from porn for a little over a year now.
    The 70 some days are just my current streak, I've had a few relapses.
    Either way, yes I definitely do still have days where I don't feel too horny, sorta like a borderline flatline.
    Originally I started worrying that I wasn't gonna be able to get aroused at all on days like this, but I've had zero to little problems suddenly being able to get hard with Lyss.
    I'll feel zero amount of horniness, then Lyss and I will start making out and getting touchy and I instantly start getting aroused again.
    So I wouldn't worry when this happens.
    Just accept it at a day of relief, that's what I have grown to do.
    I'm sure as time goes on you will feel less and less days of 'flatlined' feeling.
    Also, after a while if you introduce not overly obsessive masturbation or find a girl that helps too.
    The flatlined feeling is incredibly shitty, but just because you aren't horny for a few days isn't any reason to worry.

    Per aspera,
    Yeah, I've definitely managed to turn my mental health around quick a bit.
    I was so, so, so fucking depressed for so long but I've gotten to a better place.
    It is definitely possible.

    The most important thing with recovery (apart from Lyss) was being okay with myself as a person.
    I have an impossible amount of internal conflict about fucking everything in the world, and I could not love myself.
    When I started this journal I hated everything there was to hate about myself.
    It's quite a shit show of a read, lol.
    I was a massive, massive emotional wreck.
    Figuring out how to be comfortable with myself alone was the most important thing I have done.
    I was a shit show, when I was alone I would just binge drink, cut myself or do other really destructive things because I wanted to die.
    Managing that aspect, and my BPD was vital.
    While abstaining from porn and reintroducing myself to girls the PIED faded away, it took about a year, but I had pretty inconsistent rewiring.
    I fully believe I was ready to rewire at about 6 months.
    PIED will take its own course to heal, and apart from doing exactly what we're all doing by quitting porn there really isn't anything to do to heal it faster.
    This is the time to work on ourselves and our insecurities and the PIED will clear up on its own as you become intimate with girls.

    It's really difficult for me to say what has attributed the most to my success.
    A lot of willpower and desire to get better, I suppose.
    I had to take myself out of my comfort zone and really put myself out on a limb.
    Taking risks, going out more, going to clubs, putting more effort into talking to girls.
    Anxiety was the hardest part to deal with, especially knowing I had PIED issues.
    I have really bad OCD and I over think everything, and my HPPD doesn't help worth a goddamn.
    But I pushed myself and found a comfortable place where I was willing to take risks with girls.

    Lyss was actually the first one to make a serious move on me, but had I let anxiety control me it might not have happened.
    We went out kayaking on a lake in the pouring rain and it was just so fun.
    We hung out and did other fun stuff through out the day and I kinda had a flirty energy towards her the whole time.
    When she had to leave I grabbed her and hugged her tightly for a while and then before I knew it we were making out.
    Zero anxiety, zero uncertainty, just an amazing girl kissing me.
    Well, I slightly take the back, my mind was fucking blown.
    I'm not really sure what I felt, fucking everything mostly, I was just so fucking blown away, lol.
    Either way, my anxiety caused me zero problems in that moment!
    Had I not worked out my inner self I'd probably have sabotaged the fuck outta any possibility of her and I being a thing, as I had with several other girls in the past year.
    I would straight ignore them, or stonewall the hell out of them and turn emotionless, but this time I felt so confident with myself that I felt a sense of being free and gave her my all and it worked out perfectly.
    But now I am where I am now =)

    I used to have the mindset that I was too fucked up in the head to have a relationship (as you claim to have now), but I was way more ready than I realized.
    As I said, pushing myself out of my comfort zone was an important part.
    If you never make an attempt to get what you want you'll trap yourself in a vicious cycle of always not feeling ready.

    Sorry for the kinda long response, I had this helps!

    I hope you're able to make it to the month free point by the end of this month!
    I would love to see you reach that point of serenity and calmness again!
  15. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    I've been lurking your journal, Doc, and it warms my heart to see how, after such excruciating struggle, you've found your way to a sunny spot in the road.

    You took control and pushed yourself, inch by terrible inch, into a better place.

    Kudos, brother.
  16. Jakovasaur_2019

    Jakovasaur_2019 Life is like a game of chess.

    Congrats on 80 days brother!!!!!

    I'm really happy for you.

    Only 10 more days to reach 90! Keep up the good work!!

    8) ;D :D
  17. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Day 90.

    So it's been a good 90 days without PMO.
    I'd be lying if I said I haven't peeked about 2 times and edged briefly once when I was drunk, but oh well.
    90 days popped up fucking fast as hell when I was busy not giving a fuck about porn ::)
    Also helps that I've been burying my seed in what I 100% find a 10/10 perfect girl.
    I've been rebooting to heal PIED (successfully!) for slightly over a year (with few and far between relapses), and this is my second 90+ stretch.

    So brief update, Lyss and I have had sex 6 times in the past 2 days.
    Once Friday night, three times Saturday morning, once Saturday night, and again this morning.
    And two other times at some point since I've last journaled.
    All successful.
    Had some minor issues two of the times being completely hard due to limiting my refractory period, I've orgasmed 6 times during sex in a brief time.
    But I've been able to get hard enough to fuck the hell outta my girlfriend every time.
    Those minor issues consisted of my dick dropping to like 80% momentarily... which is still well enough to work with ;)
    Lyss is goddamn perfect and doesn't give a shit even if I were to go completely flaccid, which takes such an indescribably amount of pressure off.
    I got some pretty good dick reaction while we made out/cuddled outside of the times we had sex as well.

    Her and I still have a fiery passion for each other.
    We kiss and cuddle all the fucking time when we're together.
    Like constantly.
    It feels so fucking good to be around her.
    So fucking good.
    She is so fucking perfect.

    Thanks man,
    I don't think I'd be where I am now without your wisdom and support!
    It was a long fucking journey for me, but I've undoubtedly meandered my way through it.
    Infinite thanks =)

    Mr. Tony,
    I managed to reach 90 days!
    Only with some brief meaningless moments of intrusion ::)
    All is well with life.
  18. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Great job getting to 90 days. Always knew you would recover if you found a partner. Sounds pretty damn awesome.
  19. GoingPrimal

    GoingPrimal Age 20. A New Life

    Congrats on the 90 :D
  20. Invictuscreed

    Invictuscreed Life is short; don't waste it

    Congrats man! 90 days is a huge accomplishment

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