Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Lol, I am treating this like it is life or death.
There is no way in fuck I will ever look at porn again.
I'm actually worried relapsing might trigger even stronger suicidal thoughts so I am definitely just going to suffer these cravings out. This whole world feels suicidal. My roommate texted me, so I went up to her room and she was sitting on her bed crying hysterically with a knife in her lap saying she was going to kill herself. I talked to her for a while and she is going to go to the hospital later today. I took the knife from her and hid it, so I'm just checking back and forth making sure nothing happens.

I have to write a fucking paper due for class tomorrow and I just can't deal with it today. I'm gonna turn in the biggest piece of shit writing I am capable of. I also missed most of my classes today due to severe depression. This is not helping me feel any better.

This city is cold, damp, and lonely.
The two girls I kinda like are fucking crazy. Odds are I wouldn't be able to fuck them anyways, so what does it even matter?
The one girl is being distant now. She had never expressed any interest in me in a romantic kind of way, but now she is treating me as though I'm some piece of shit boyfriend because I forgot about small plans. Saying I never notice when she is upset, about how I don't truly care about her, saying I don't pay enough attention to her, and other shit like that. And in reality, I try very hard with her. I see her all the time and am always very nice and caring.
This is a bloody nightmare.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 25.

No morning wood but ended up getting hard as I laid around in bed and having some slight sexual thoughts brush my mind. Wanted to hump the motherfuck outta my bed lol.

Turned in the shittiest paper in the world today lol. Some girl in class talked to me about American Horror Story, she has a cute smile. After class some girl made me lunch and changed in front if me. She has a cute petite body and looked good in her underwear =)
Then some other girl made me a pretty bangin dinner and gave me a beer =) Feeling pretty decent today.
Very random mood swings and suicidal thoughts but today is much better than yesterday. Think I'm gonna cuddle with the one girl and watch some movies =)

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

For someone struggling with depression you seem to meet a lot of girls.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 26.
gameover, meeting girls is something I put most of my efforts into. I never really have liked guys nor gotten along with them, and have generally just been back stabbed or cast aside. Yeah there is a lot of drama within girls, but I'm rarely involved so fuck it lol. Most of my best friends consist of girls, so yeah at some point there are romantic interests with some, and also I meet a lot of their girl friends, and so on. It's just an innate drive. I've never had problems establishing relationships with girls, I'm just sexually inept. Hopefully just for now... fucking hopefully just for now .

I ended up sleeping over the Russian girl's house and she is quite the awesome cuddler. Unlike a few days ago when I was cuddling with the other girl where I felt like I couldn't have sex if we tried, it didn't feel so strongly like that. I mean fuck, I still didn't go for it, but my dick felt full flaccid and at one point she moved slightly and it sorta made my dick get slightly bigger. None of this was within sexual touch so I know I shouldn't be popping a boner for no reason. I most likely could have kissed her but I'm still so emotionally fucked and can't deal with someone falling for me right now. She held onto me really tightly all night long, held my hand and pressed herself into me quite a bit. She's adorable =3
Woke up a bunch through out the night with a hard on so she probably felt it pressed against her back/butt a few times lol.

Going to a barn party with some other girl tonight! Glad to get outta this city. It's like an hour away. Think we are sleeping in our friends car tonight.
It's raining like hell here.
Had a cigarette in the rain this morning. I noticed how beautiful this world could be.

I'm sure by tomorrow my view of this will take a 180 but...
it's not the world that's fucked up, it's just me who's fucked up.
Maybe one day, someday, I will be better.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

If your spending a lot of time with girls cuddling/kissing etc and that you will reboot man. Your popping boners through the night and they will start to happen during cuddle sessions as well. What your doing is more important then abstinence.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 27.

Fucking hell, I am kinda hung over.
I have to get up in 2 hours to go to a craft beer event where I get to drink as much beer as I want!
My friend got 2 VIP tickets from her work and decided to take me =)
Yep, gonna have a drunk weekend lol.

Feeling horny laying around in bed.
Got hard thinking about 2 girls other than Ashley =)
Thinking of them individually too, not any lesbian fantasy.
Naturally I would think I should stop thinking of sex but I get excited getting horny over different girls and each morning I am able to do so, so it doesn't seem to be fucking with my reboot.

Positives
Not feeling suicidal
My dick and balls stopped aching almost entirely
It seems more real girls are turning me on, hopefully this is progress.
Goddamn, I am fucking hoping lol.

I made out with my one friend last night. Kissing is wonderful.
I'm desperately missing the intimate comfort of a girl beyond just cuddling.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 28.

Hot damn, somehow I made it to the 4 week mark.
This is so fucking beat. I hate this, but glad I made it here.

Kinda just been fucking around today. Mood is extremely unstable. Happy, feel like killing myself, happy, feel like killing myself... ect.
Might go buy a puzzle with my friend to kill the time.

No idea how my progress is doing. I haven't been fucking up or edging or watching porn so I suppose it's going as well as it can.
Gonna try and stay busy for the rest of the day.
I just wanna fuckkkkkk.
I wanna take a pretty girl home and fuck all night.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Don't "fuck around".

"An idle mind is the devil's workshop", they say, and it is true. Do not allow yourself to be bored and looking for something to do, it's a guaranteed route for a mood swing and PMO urges.

Also, have you considered therapy? Feelin' suicidal on a regular basis kinda hints me that you need help.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 29.

Fuckin shit,
MOOD SWINGS
Haven't had too much anxiety today.
Managed to not think about suicide for about an hour.
Got a boner in class from thought.
And a like semi hard boner from thinking about my ex-girlfriend's cunt. Also in class lol.
I felt like it woulda been full had I stroked it, and I've kinda always had ED issues with her and when I dated her I just COULDN'T RUB ONE OUT THINKING OF HER. My dick was not about the bitch. Now my dick kinda seemed like it was happy about her lady parts. Just a little bit happy though. Lol

CidGuerreiro, I am currently in therapy. None of them know what to say to me. I just keep getting prescribed all sorts of bullshit. The one female therapist I'm also seeing has been helpful, she's a good listener and I can at least get shit off my chest.

Holy fuck I want my raging libido back!!!!!
I'm scared that I'm broken.
Jesus fuckin' balls my sex drive was fucking AWESOME when I was with Ashley a month or so ago. Raging hard dick constantly around her and constant successful sex and now I'm just dead and numb.
Hopefully my poisoned brain still has it lurking down somewhere deep inside of my fucked neuroplasticity to toss my sex drive back into my life.

Fingers crossed motherfuckassss. Tomorrow is day 30 for me, so I feel like I'll hit a milestone =)

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 30.

Guess I hit a milestone.
Thought I'd be more excited about this, but it's actually kinda depressing.
I just literally have zero faith that this will ever work for me. I was kinda hoping I would feel differently at the 30 day mark.
Sure I would love to jerk off right now, it would probably be fucking amazing and I know I would get rock fucking hard with no porn and come no issue, but I've always been that way.

Some things for encouragement to myself
1) Been having some serious fucking morning wood, like bulging, pretty often recently, including this morning. It seems to be getting more serious. I'm still skeptical as to whether this is a sign of anything because morning wood isn't really linked to sexual response.

2) Maybe my dick shrank some in the beginning, but it's usually loose and full feeling when flaccid.

3) I couldn't get 100% hard worth shit the day before day 1, and now it's much easier to get FULLY hard, but I think the shit before day 1 was just a temporary week long thing from severe psychological trauma from the past few days.

4) My anxiety isn't murderous anymore. Like I mean it was fucking 100% brutally incapacitating. Couldn't go to class, drive a car, talk to friends, play video games, or do anything. Now all of these are usually easy.
Maybe I'm just accepting and getting used to my god awful life.

5) Suicidal impulses and self injury have reduced, although there are still days I feel scared of myself.
Maybe I've just bottled up in a state of absolute depression that I'm numb to everything now.

^ Not sure what any of these five things mean or imply or if it's progress, but that's what I've noticed.



The Russian girl is gonna stay over my house tonight. I'm like 99% certain she has feelings for me. I kinda do have feelings for her too but I'm just so fucking dead inside. I haven't lost the inability to crush on girls, but right now I feel like I emotionally am incapable of dating. Physically too. Goddamn it. No idea how I would respond sexually to her. Cognitively I find her very attractive, so if my physiological sexual responses aren't still broken she is definitely a girl that I would be fucking.

I'm worried about hooking up with her though because:
1) PIED... this is like 100% of why I'm worried
2) don't wanna hurt her or lead her on
3) don't think I'm anywhere near capable of dating
4) I don't think I could be faithful
5) there are too many beautiful girls everywhere
6) I don't want to destroy the good friendship I have with her

I swear, if I cure myself of PIED I am going to become a fucking whore with zero standards and fuck as many girls as often as possible. I sure as hell won't treat a girl poorly, but I would seriously fuck almost anyone.

So yeah, day 30 milestone is confusing.
I have the highest hopes and plans for the future and at the same time I have no hope or plans for the future.

I would do anything in this world to be fixed.
This is seriously scaring me.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Keep up the good work, mate. The consensus from the Elders is that Patience is Key. You're not going to be fixed in 30 days. Hell, you might not even be fixed after 90. But it gets better.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Apeman is right. My longest streak was 38 days no PMO, and during that time I noticed little improvement.
When I relapsed though, I realized that I had made tons of progress! ... it was just so slow and gradual that I didn't really notice it.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 31.

Apeman and Invictuscreed,
Thank you both for the feedback and support.
I am one inpatient motherfucker, and it's hard to keep my cool when this is like absolutely ruining my life.
I guess the process is slow, so maybe I'm not really noticing all of the benefits that have come so far.
I just remember being younger and being turned on by a girl in a swimsuit... and thinking back to how much I've changed is just fucking irritating >.<

I noticed in the mornings my dick always seems to have some kind of activity.
The Russian girl did sleep over but we didn't hook up or anything, but we did cuddle a shit ton and watch American Horror Story.
She's an intense motherfucking cuddler lol.
I woke up so many times with a serious hard on that like wouldn't go away, it almost started making my dick sore lol.
And randomly this morning my dick just started getting hard for like no reason.
Dick feels a bit lousy now lol.

I guess I really fucked my brain up. I would love to try the rewiring but I don't think I can be serious about any girl at the moment, or if they could be serious about me.
I guess I am doing the right thing with this reboot though. Day 31 is definitely a feat, but I still think I might have a long way to go. The day I start chatting up a girl and getting turned on by her behavior and smiles will be the best day of my life, apart from actually having sex again. This would fuckin' happen with my ex! I'd give her a hug in public and start getting a boner. Mother fuck! That was only like a month ago too!

Well I got classes today, and some girl in my class is taking me and one of her friends to a haunted house event tonight, so I'm real happy about that =)
Me and my one roommate smoked a cigarette outside without shirts on. She was in a bra.
Maybe surrounding myself with fun stuff like that and cuddling and perhaps kissing (only made out with one girl since reboot) will gradually help jump start my brain.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Ugh. I can hear my roommate getting fucked upstairs, she's screaming and moaning and having a great time.
Fucking goddamnit.
I'm tired of being broken.
I'm sick of being lonely.

I hate my life so fucking much sometimes.
Why? Why does it have to be this way?
Why can't I just be fucking normal?
Why me?
Fucking goddamnit, why?

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Just try with one of these girls you cuddle with. Theres no way I would be able to just cuddle a girl libido or not.

Yes it sucks listening to people fucking. Associate that same feeling with porn its essentially the same thing.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Yeah, I suppose worst comes to worst one of the girls hopefully won't scream at the top of her lungs to all of her friends if I can't get hard. Some girls get really upset and others don't. I just don't wanna find out I chose an immature one. Oh we, there will be other fish in the sea.
I'm doing everything I can to make this reboot go smoothly. Hopefully I'm making progress.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 32.

Mood swings.
Lord Jesus, do I have mood swings.

Got like a 50% hard on in my kitchen hardly thinking of anything sexual.
Laid down on my bed and thought about something vanilla with a new girl in mind and got like 70% hard, thought of something a little more perverted (mild fantasizing) and boom 100% boner in like 5 seconds.
No touching.

Think I got a decent night ahead of me, gonna go out to some event with $1 shots.
Maybe something interesting will happen.

I've been having strong temptations to test out my erections with a girl.
Maybe I'll get something better than no response.
But we'll see.

Despite constantly thinking about offing myself, I'm feeling pretty alright right now lol.
Hopefully I won't sink into the gutter in the next 30 minutes :-[
Mood swings are a bitch!

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 33.

Ahahahahaha
My dick doesn't work because I've masturbated to too many different women
Lol fuck

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

I know the feeling. Hang in there, it will get better. Young guys like us though will have to wait quite a while by looks of it.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Mate.

1. You get hard through the night cuddling girls
2. You get hard thinking of sex

Your dick works fine, Your brain doesn't yet. That crazy cuddling girl would be welcome in my bed