Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 16.
Mornings are always the worst. Not having Ashley in my life is the hardest thing I am dealing with. It has now been a solid week since I told her to never contact me again. It's getting better but Jesus fuck do I miss her.

I'm not really sure how I feel anymore. The physical pains are kinda subsiding from the past few days. I just don't fucking get why only 1 girl turns me on. I guess this kinda gives me hope that I can still can have sex with someone but detrimentally depressing that I've lost her forever. Maybe I'll recover faster? Maybe not.
Every morning I just wish I never woke up.

My human sexuality class is morbidly depressing. Talking about love and fucking and fulfilling sex lives, and everyone laughs when ED is mentioned... just kinda makes me feel shitty.
We had an exam today and I finished it in 8 minutes before anyone else in the lecture hall. It was all multiple choice and easy, it was just awkward.
I'm also doing very well in my quantum evolutionary psychology class, so hell yeah to myself.

I feel pretty removed from reality. Feel like I'm constantly not getting anywhere with girls.
I am constantly making new friendships and bringing girls to my place but iono, nothing is clicking. Might be for the better right now.
I just want a girl to kiss me! =p
I know a girl won't just fall into my lap, but maybe someday I will click with someone. I used to be so good at it when I was a teenager. I even had shit self-esteem and hated myself back then.

I want my fucking life back.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Fuck. I think some girl I have been hanging out with likes me.
I've seen her a few times and I almost went in for a kiss a few nights ago cause I felt the vibes of it, but was shit faced and didn't.
I hung out with her again at a bar tonight and she was texting me before hand, and spent a lot of time talking to me, laughing at my dumb jokes, unconditionally being responsive to anything I say.
A homeless guy called me a motherfucker and said "Fuck you" for not giving him a cigarette and I just responded with "Fuck you too" and she thought it was the greatest shit, told all of her friends over and over. Like that real obvious shit that girls do when they like you. Conversation just comes super easy and they just have fun with anything you say.

We ended up going out with one of her friends and taking a photo shoot with some graffiti. The city I live in is entirely covered with trash and vandalism... but it was fun. She was all about the photos we took, she took pics with me and really liked them, and I just allowed my confidence to override my PIED insecurities.
Unfortunately I've just felt so devoid and shitty knowing my past failures.
I've always thought she was kinda cute and we've always got along.
I'm just so goddamn insecure because I don't wanna fucking rock her world and then bring her home and not rock her world... y'all know what I mean.
She's fun, sexy, pretty, incredible, and who the fuck could not get a boner and fuck her til the dawn? Me. Me, me, me.
She placed her hand on me a bunch of times while she laughed. Fuck.

I might need some isolation during this, cause I keep putting myself in situations where I have all the signs to hit on someone and just won't do it. It's the only goddamn thing that is distracting me and keeping me happy though.
Fuck, I hate my fucking life.
I would seriously suffer any amount of torture or physical pain to reverse the damage I've done with porn, or whatever is causing this.
Being stabbed to death doesn't sound too bad in comparison to losing romantic opportunities because of ED.

Well I suppose this is just another reason as to why I shouldn't masturbate tonight and fuck up my day 16 streak, why I shouldn't ever fucking look at goddamn porn again, and why I need to just let myself reboot.
So many pretty girls, fucked by so many average and shitty guys. Fuck my life. I feel so incompetent.

Like this shit is brutally torturous. I know most people just let the days roll, but when I'm not isolating myself I am constantly seeking female attention and looking for romance... and that can't fucking happen now. I'm in such a fucking flatline, the only feeling that I have in my dick is throbbing pain.

Porn has resulted in torturing myself. I could go back to my 17 year old self and strangle him. What a fucking idiot I was for getting so involved in porn. I've destroyed myself. Not only does rebooting cause a serious physical toll on myself but emotionally I am ever worse.

I've started doubting that this rebooting bullshit is even real. Like serious fucking doubts.
Jesus fuck I need to calm down. Fuck.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Give it a little bit of time. Recovery can be a long process, and young guys like us might require much more than 3-4 months of abstinence.

I feel like I need to share this: I have followed your posts for a while, and I can certainly see that your mood and perspective on life is not as healthy as it should be. I don't blame you, in fact, I sympathize with you; PMO seems like the ultimate poison. Although you may not feel naturally awesome right now, I urge you to at least act like you are. By acting optimistic you will be helping your recovery:

(http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/the-secrets-happiness)

It really sucks to see your frustrations with this reboot :-\ but mark my words, you will attain success and it will all be worth it in the end.

Keep strong brother

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Invictuscreed,
Yeah, I also have a good amount of issues outside of PIED that I'm seeing therapy for .
My mood swings are absolutely terrible and I tend to write on here when I'm not feeling well, it helps me vent.
I probably sound insane as well cause yesterday I was bitching about how I feel like I'm not clicking with anyone and then later yesterday night I was bitching that I felt like I was clicking with someone >.> Talk about a problem lol.

Got myself a cup of coffee, I got a lot of school work shit to do, feeling motivated at the moment, got myself out of the typical morning despair, let's make this a good day!

Woke up with some morning wood, thoughts gave me a hard boner, and got a decent one when I was in the shower. Simply thinking about an ex, no porn fantasy. Should probably stop doing this though. It really helps with the pain, however... so kinda uplifting I guess. Simply thinking of other girls is kinda not doing it for me just yet. Blah.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

You need to relax. You have had good sex over the years with different girls. I dont understand how you can feel so bad about yourself and anxious about performing with so much experience under your belt with sex and girls. I mean you said yourself girls blatantly hit on you.

Give it time it will all come back. How long have you spent without orgasm?

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 17.
game over, haven't orgasm for almost 17 days now, it's been real difficult.

Better emotionally today, my despair as subsided and I'm actually feeling pretty well right now. Hanging out with some friends and I'm able to catch my breath and not fret over this.
actually I dare to say I'm in a good mood!

My friend is sleeping over so she will keep my mind off everything.
My dick hasn't felt entirely dead today, which I kinda like. But tomorrow may be different.

Thank you guys for the support, I just get so fucked in the head and freak out.
I really appreciate all the kind words and I realize I can be an emotional nightmare, but I'm trying my hardest.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 18.
Waking up wasn't too depressing. Waking up next to my friend was reassuring and kept me away from that terrible heart sinking feeling. She left before I really wanted to get up and then a little later on thoughts of Ashley started to plague me. They weren't as bad or as long as they normally are.
I had a sexy dream about my friend lol.

Some new girl has been expressing more interest in hanging out with me. Maybe I'll see what she is up to later on. Gotta find plans to keep me busy, otherwise I'm a sour son of a bitch.

Mood: entirely neutral, still feel numb.
Dick: hasn't hurt yet today! It normally does and it SUCKS.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

TRIGGER WARNING

Russian girl has been interesting. Conversation has become extremely sexual involving suicide, murder, bathing in blood, throat slitting, satan, vampyricism, and things generally extremely violent and morbid. It's kinda awesome cause I've always loved that kind of stuff, and interestingly enough I never watched porn surrounding that, minus maybe a handful of times. Rarely watched dominatrix. It was only ever role play in bed. I developed a fascination for necrophilia when I was a child, so it's not a porn induced fetish. It goes against all YBOP science, but that's just how it is. Me and my friend when I lived with her used to slice our fingers with razors and rub our blood all over each other, and constantly talk about how we were in sadomasochistic Lust Hell. Never something I saw in porn.

Not sure how to feel about it. Boosts my confidence someone involved me in their sexual dialogue. Still feel entirely flatlined. Keeping my mind on real women. This reboot is gonna fucking work!! Yeah!!!!

/END

Sorry about the really random update. Just feeling kinda hopeful right now!

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Hmmm, people are so fucked up.
My friend recorded me and my ex talking about a time we butt fucked without us realizing it and sent it to a bunch of people over snapchat.

Every day I lose more faith in humanity.
Every day I feel less human.
Every day is just as numb as the last.

My ex hits me. A lot. I have cigarette burns and bruises from her in past week.
I need to get my shit together. Why do I tolerate this?

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 19.

I feel really fucking depressed and alone.
It's an ever consuming feeling.

Don't think I had morning wood.
Dick feels like it's loosened up some.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

It is, by all accounts, an emotional roller-coaster you're on, mate. Keep holding on; it's taking you to a better place.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 21.
Skipped writing on day 20. Didn't feel the need to =)

Yesterday was pretty decent. Hanging out with two girls competing for your attention is actually a lot worse than I remembered. It's stressful.
Not gonna lie though, it is pretty nice getting the attention. I can't tell how serious either of them are though. I think they are both a little bit crazy. Having girls in my life is a big distraction. It makes me happy. Unfortunately, I'm sure everyone is aware of what I constantly have on my mind around them. PIED!!!!!!!!!!!. lol fuckkkkk

My dreams last night had a lot to do with sex and I had a pretty serious fucking hard on when I woke up. No idea if those 2 are correlated.

Also been talking to Gary Wilson on another thread that I had started under the Porn Induced E.D. forum, he is pretty useful to talk to. Lot's of skepticism around this community, including myself, but he seems to be pretty encouraging.

I miss my friend =( I became best friends with her in high school and even ended up living with her for a while in college. She ended up falling victim to drugs, specifically heroin, and after several failed attempts with rehab she permanently is living in Florida now. I haven't been taking it too well recently. I miss the days where we would cuddle up and watch movies. I miss her so goddamn much.

I'm going to a graveyard with the Russian girl again. She wants to take more pictures and explore the place even more. Maybe it'll help me write poetry. Been writing a shit ton lately, but it kinda died out when I started this reboot.

I wish this hole in my chest would go away. I want to be able to feel real again. I feel like all I am doing is hiding from myself and not embracing myself. I feel like I am incapable of loving myself.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

I had a fun day.

I went to the graveyard with the Russian girl I've been hanging out with and it was really fun. We spent a lot of time just walking around and talking about various things. It was a nice break from the hell hole of a city I live in.

I then went to her work with her, she just had to stop in for half an hour. She helps cats recovering from spinal injuries so I got to play with a bunch of paralyzed cats. It was slightly sad. The one cat I really liked and was super affectionate. It's being put down in the next week or so though D= I got to hold a cat's brain and spinal chord though. That was pretty cool.

We then went back to her place and watched some random stuff, and I ended up dressing up in her lingerie. It's not something I normally do but it was fun, she got into some of her's too. We took some pictures and then watched Jackass 3.5 and cuddled some =3
I was supposed to hang out with some other girl later but she is M.I.A.

I'm feeling some serious cognitive dissonance. I almost don't feel like myself anymore. I used to be so indulged in weird, violent and satanic related stuff, but this condition has just made me drop everything I am interested in. I still have severe masochistic behavior, which I've had ever since I was a little kid, so I still somewhat feel like myself. I just feel like slowly I am losing everything that once made me who I was, and I'm not sure how to feel about it. When I was dating Ashley again over the summer it all returned. My morbid side was brilliant, and I feel like it's the only part of me that's real.
I miss my life more than I can fucking handle.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 22.
Had some seriously fucked up dreams last night. Woke up upset and depressed and haven't gotten outta bed yet. Was hard randomly through out the night. Got hard as fuck twice simply recalling a sexual experience, wanted to MO so bad but didn't.

I wish I would have seen more progress by now. All this shit that I'm explaining was a possibility before I started rebooting, minus the week or so before, but I attribute that to severe depression and anxiety over losing my ex. I need fall out of love with Ashley. I fucking hate this.

I want to get intimate with this one girl who has been hitting me up lately but fuck knows I'll probably fail. I suppose we don't HAVE to fuck, but I just worry she will push it too fast. I just want someone to cuddle and kiss. Maybe that could speed the process.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Well I'm really good at fucking everything up,
Some girl had messaged me asking if my sex drive was back. For euphemistic purposes I've told a couple people my sex drive disappeared. This one girl I am certain likes me, and also said her sex drive was dead too. However earlier today she told me she tried sleeping with someone and wasn't into it and it didn't work. So after she asked if my sex drive was back and I said it wasn't yet she said hers wasn't back either. I then proceeded to ask her if the guy she tried to sleep with didn't work because of a dropped sex drive or if it was just because of the guy, and she's all together stopped texting me. I feel like a fucking idiot. I mean to be fair she WAS talking about that earlier today so I felt like it was fair game to ask about.. But I feel like she was trying to hit on me and now I asked about some other guy and I think I made her mad. Maybe I took away the seriousness of what she was going for, or maybe she felt rejected, maybe she felt embarrassed. I don't know. When she didn't respond I apologized if what I asked was stupid and then proceeded to tell her I wished she was here with me. No response, and no response to my call. I guess it's possible she fell asleep cause she is never up this late. But fucking hell man, I feel like I mega fucked up. But fuck, don't talk about trying to have fucked a dude the same day we talk about our sex drives. I might accidentally bring it up like a fucktard in general vague discussions about how she doesn't have a sex drive. Silent treatment is fucking lame. I feel more alone them ever.

On a kinda positive side my best friend (who is slamming goddamn hot) told me she applied as a stripper and sent me a very nice nude of her and we told each other "I love you" when we were texting goodnight. Also sent kissy emojis. Though nothing will spawn from that it is still nice to get that kind of attention.

I think I'm just gonna pound a few more beers to break my mind. It's the only thing I seem to be good at anymore. I just wish I could go back an hour and redo everything. But fuck her if she is gonna act like that, don't be vague wishy washy talking about fucking other guys. Godfuckingdamnit.
Fuckkkk I think I like her too.
I feel so alone right now.
I want my fucking life back.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Man you have no issues with meeting girls that like you just try focus on beating the porn addiction and geeling better then go for girls again.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 23.
Yep, fuck this. Emotional roller coaster. I was feeling not absolutely terrible for maybe a week and now these terrible suicidal thoughts emerged again.
I accidentally blew off minor plans with some girl and she's acting like we are fucking dating out of nowhere. Emotional grief, self blame, excessive bullshit.

AND some other girl totally wants to fuck me. I was laying beside her and cuddling but never made an attempt for shit cause laying next to her with my arm around her didn't feel like I could pull off proper sex.

All in all this bullshit reminded me of Ashley and how much I fucking miss my perfect relationship with her and how she is gone forever. Perfect sex, perfect love, perfect friendship, perfect everything. I'm sick of this nightmare and I feel like a bullet to the brain will wake me up.

I also started a strong habit of self harm again. Goddamnit.
I'm fucking sick of hearing everyone talk about how much they fuck.
Fuck this world.
Fuck my life.
Death is the only certainty in my life.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

I cant stand people talking about how much they fuck either. Its very disheartening but you just have to do your best to not dwell on the negative thoughts.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Day 24.
I think my libido for other girls is slightly returning. My dick keeps bothering me as I'm laying in bed and it's been hard for kinda a while now and I'm only poking at it slightly every once in a while to feel the firmness, which is pretty nice. Every time I move my boxers give me a nice sensation. Oh, and thinking of a girl other than Ashley made my dick like 90-100% hard. That is unusual. Might just be random luck. Eh, who knows, I'll take it.

Really hope this is a sign of progress.
Really wanna MO.
I will not fuck this up though.

 

Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

Be careful, dude. What made me relapse before was 'poking at it,' and checking its firmness. Next thing you know, you might edge for a second or two, and then it goes downhill from there. Even if you have the best intentions not to do it, it can easily happen... and then you'll feel like shit. So keep vigilant