Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by iHaveSeenEvil, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    My name is Sean. I am 24 years old. Average height, 137 pounds. Healthy!
    I do tend to drink more than I should, and have lately picked up smoking over this ED worrysome shit.
    My goal is to restore my libido and be able to perform normally with girls.

    Feeling a total loss of libido.
    I haven't watched porn in about 3 months as well, but had a girlfriend during this time I never had an issue being hard with. Well I got cheated on and dumped and from previous experiences of not being able to get erect, like no reaction, from other girls I was emotionally into while trying to have sex, this seems like PIED.

    Day 1. I MO'd 4 fucking times in the morning so I think I'll count 9 am as the start of day 1

    Day 2. I spent the night at a girls house and we cuddled all night and I woke up with morning wood. Yay?

    Day 3. Ex gf slept over and I would randomly get boners depending on how we were laying and such but didn't have sex. Never failed once with her though. It's other girls I'm worried about. Apart from laying next to her I feel very little libido. I was just prescribed Lexapro, but loss of libido is a side effect so I don't think I'm gonna take it even though I'm very depressed over this, it's like a lose lose.
     
  2. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 4. Feeling pretty dead inside. Looking around at everyone else in my classroom and I feel so fucking disconnected.
     
  3. Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    cheer up buddy you can do it!
     
  4. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 5. Yesterday I spent most of my day hanging out with this girl I have recently become friends with. I took a train to her house and we ended up walking around a park for a few hours and then watched some movies at her place. I slept in her bed and she was the little spoon =3. I did wake up in the middle of the night a few times kinda hard, and felt a bit horny, so that was kinda encouragement. Nothing happened between us though apart from cuddling, but it felt good to keep my mind off of my ex. I plan on meeting up with her later today after class, so that will give me something to do for the day.
    I feel pretty average/numb inside. Still have frequent thoughts about my PIED bullshit. Oh well, one day at a time. No urge whatsoever to look at porn.
     
  5. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 6. Felt kinda horny last night before going to bed. Yesterday i spent most of my day at a no pants Friday where I was the only guy =). Nothing sexual was happening, it was just kinda casually wearing our underwear which was fun. Hung out with the same girl again we cuddled for a large duration of the evening. I felt like kissing her would have been a total go, but I never did. 1) because I'm a bit intimidated that things will turn sexual too fast during my reboot and I wouldn't get hard. Maybe I should just talk to her about my libido drop and stop worrying about it. Either she will understand and work with me, or she will get mad and have no interest and forget about me. either way, if i choose to let her get away than i already 100% guarentee losing her, so whats the worst that'll happen if i try with her? 2) she is such a sweet, cute and darling girl with so much going for her. She is smart as hell and really motivated, like way out of my league kinda thing. However, i am worried that i am not emotionally stable enough after my god awful break up recently, and i dont want to hurt her. I'm concerned I'm just not ready and I don't wanna crush this poor girl's feelings... Especially cause i still get phone calls from my ex that make my heart skip beats and give me butterflies. fuck. The outta my league thing isn't intimidating though because it does seem she likes me. Well I've got no plans for the day, cracked open a beer while I'm chilling here lol. Not feeling as awful as I have been in the past handful of weeks! Bye and thanks all.
     
  6. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 7. Felt a strong urge to MO this morning. Went on for a while. Didn't do too much yesterday. Me and my friend Emma gave each other back massages with a plug in vibrator. That was pretty fun lol. Still been talking to the cute Russian girl I'm into, was gonna go over her house tonight for some movies and cuddling but had to do school work instead. With my friend Lena now, we are grabbin food and maybe a drink. Was productive today with finishing up my bedroom and cleaning the kitchen. Still feel pretty flatlined though.
    Pretty disturbed sleep. Felt majorly depressed this morning. Can't remember if I had wood or not. I seem to get it more when I am sleeping next to a girl. Maybe I'll cuddle up with Lena tonight. Haha we shall see =3
     
  7. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 8. Pretty depressed this morning. Didn't end up getting cuddles, but oh well. Yesterday I was flirting with that Russian girl over texts and felt a few bumps down there but didn't think much of it. When I went to the bathroom I was surprised at the size of my dick! It wasn't erect but it was way bigger than it had been in the past week. I just hit my first week of no MO. Think this is my longest streak ever.
    My friend Lana was talking about sleeping over, but she is mad flaky. I've noticed cuddling is like one of the few things that make me feel better. I am fortunate enough to have people to cuddle with, or I'd feel totally lost. Gotta find a cuddle buddy for the night!
     
  8. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 9. Russian girl slept over but we ended up just cuddling. She missed her train and was tired so I offered her shelter at my place on campus. I woke up in the middle of night with a hard on, and felt horny, it felt pretty damn strong, like 90%. That made me happy, especially cause I felt horny as well. Just went back to sleep though.
    No libido atm but I'm not feeling too shitty today.
    My ex bothered me last night with calls and texts about how she misses me and then was upset that I was probably with another girl. I just let her suffer and ignored her, seeing as she was the one who broke my heart. I usually act like a bitch and fall victim every time for her, but let it go and I feel pretty good about it =D
     
  9. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Reading your journal reminds me that happiness and satisfaction are subjective. In other words: even when you think you've got it bad, there are plenty of people who would love to have your life.

    Keep up the streak, brother.
     
  10. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 10. Getting pretty sick of this nightmare. I'm starting to not feel real. Also I've been very lonely even though I have more than enough friends to keep me company. I still have confidence in myself- I was with a friend and some random girl asked us about the shuttles around campus. My other friend bailed shortly after to catch a train and I ended up talking to this girl for an hour and a half, and conversation was just so easy. I added her on Facebook ^.^
    Either way it's not confidence issues, I just feel broken and dead inside. About as dead as my dick is

    On a better note:
    Strong urges to MO though, like all through out the day. Getting lots of dirty thoughts and getting slight, SLIGHT, movement in my dick when I think about them, even in class. Different than the past 9 days. Got my best hard on so far from lying in bed and thinking about sex. 60-70%? Wanted to grab my dick and rub one out so bad. Didn't though!
    It's so much easier to just not think about it.
     
  11. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    I cant totally relate to you man, I have had the exact same feelings, even now I feel retarded for being out of the woods and putting myself back in the hole 100% knowingly it as I PMO, Just keep resisting the P urges though, and right now the M) urges, early MO always every single time led to PMO either the same day the day after or 2 days after.


    Your dick isnt dead, your heads just numbed form all the P, lol and the cuddle buddy thing, I use to do that to when I was recovering, it would always lead to me forcing an MO on the girl or a team MO we would work as a team! aha, although funny it wasnt good for my prgoress obviously.

    Connection is good though, intimacy helped my anixiety and progress fast as well.

    I dont know if my comments are helpful, but just keep up what you are doing, try and stay positive, you are 11 days closer to your goal, you are making progress, and keep fighting the urges, stay on course and youll be having sex before you know it again
     
  12. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 11. Feel no libido today, but no libido helped me not think of it so much.
    Just another day down. Watching the city skyline on Lena's roof top. It's an early bday celebration for her with some of her girlfriends =3
    Didn't feel so shitty today somehow.
    Kinda just accepted that this is how my sex life is and hope that it'll get better in the closing months of autumn.

    Staying here for the night so I won't get lost in my own fucking head when I lay down to sleep.
    Some beers are helping me out, and good company.
    Mentally, I don't feel so fucking incapacitated as I have the past few months. It's a nice break.
     
  13. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 12.
    Woke up with a huge hard on that did not fade away quickly. Hardest one yet on my reboot. Like 100% hard.
    Also, woke up feeling extremely depressed over Ashley.
    Feeling pretty bad about life in general. Day 12 is an accomplishment but it's still so damn far away and I just want to be normal again. So badly.

    That Russian girl I have been crushing on was being a total fucking bitch over text messages last night for no reason, just giving me a hard time about EVERYTHING. Ugh so annoying. Not really sure what her issue was but she has kinda been on my nerves lately. She is a lot to deal with sometimes.
    My ex girlfriend (a different one) was sitting on my lap for a good amount of the night, but never felt one ounce of horniness. Not sure if that should have turned me on anyways, but I just thought about it too much.
     
  14. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Try not to distant yourself from your goal, 12 days your doing well, I find I do best when I think about it less, and just take it day by day!

    I dont know why your thing says lonely lonely lonely, in 2 days sounds like you have been surrounded by girls! Just giving ya a hard time, morning erections are a good sign, when im 7-15 days no PMO its hardest for me to not touch the morning wood, so my advice is dont touch it an get out of bed right away!

    Good luck and keep it going!
     
  15. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    I say lonely lonely lonely because I feel devoid of all romance or romantic capabilities, and romance is the only thing that drives me in life. I have a really bad codependent personality disorder which makes this awful. I do have a lot to distract myself with but I just feel like no one gives a fuck about how I feel, and this PIED is also something that I can NOT share with anyone I know in real life. I don't trust anyone, and that shit will spread like a goddamn wildfire.

    I have a lot going wrong with me. I've been clinically diagnosed with OCD, PTSD (from cancer and abuse), Bipolar disorder as a major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder... and now sexual dysfunction! I have severe insomnia and drive myself crazy. I've been prescribed 2 different SSRI's (anti depressants), Ativan, an antipsychotic, and 2 other things to help me sleep. Now I keep thinking about HOCD cause I feel asexual. I have been great cutting the porn addiction, this has scared me shitless, and will do fucking anything to fix this. Alcoholism and cigarettes have been worse. All my friends drink all the time or shoot up dope which constantly leaves me in bad social settings. Also this shitty fucking break up after being cheated on by the girl I wanted to marry has raped me mentally. I wake up with a hole in my chest every morning and it paralyzes me for hours. I almost went inpatient for cutting and suicidal behavior, which has now passed at this point.
    So yeah I've got a lot going on and this is just the last goddamn thing I feel like dealing with. The. Last. Goddamn. Thing.
    Sex and porn was a great way for me to relieve stress and it just make me feel so much better. Not being able to MO is just building up stress and frustration. But failing with girls... I HAVE to never EVER look back at that. Never has a sexual problem with my ex, so now I've lost the only girl I could successfully fuck, lost the love of my life and best friend. World has caved in on me. Doesn't help that the motherfucker she cheated on me with is part of my circle of friends.

    So yeah I try as hard as I can to get myself out and about. The new girl I've been crushing on is being a total bitch which is really discouraging. Just trying my hardest to stay positive and stop letting my own troubled mind control my life. Trying very hard with my therapists to figure out my underlying distresses and fix myself.

    Someday... someday I WILL be better, fall in love again and be able to make love.
    And yeah about the cuddle buddy thing, it helps me IMMENSELY. Like everything bad in my life goes away. I can sleep, eat and feel a peace of mind again.

    TL;DR:
    Lots of trouble going on in my life on a multitude of fronts.
    Sorry for the very negative and long post, I'm trying very hard to feel and get better mentally and sexually.
     
  16. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 13.
    Woke up feeling extremely dead inside.
    No libido, no morning wood, no happiness. Think I might still be drunk from last night.
    Can't tell if drinking is fucking my life up or not. Probably is.
    Feeling much more hopeful as the day goes on, I need a damn coffee lol.
    A girl named tori and I seemed to get along well at a bar last night, bought her a drink.
    I was very very tempted to kiss her, at least on the cheek, but I was fucking fuuuuuucking shitfaced. I do pretty well for myself even after like 10 drinks but I figured I was just too drunk to make a decision like that.
    Might hang out with the Russian girl tonight, or one of my exes. Probs should hang with the Russian even though she has been shitty lately. When it comes to my ex, there's no pressure for shit, and it's usually an easy night and things are just relaxed. Might play some Pokemon snap and get stoned. Haha iono.
    My emotions are everywhere. Ups and downs and lefts sideways and fucked and hell's fire burning my soul at every chance it gets. My god.
    Well we shall see how today goes.

    Goal:
    Make some posts in the next few weeks that aren't depressing as hell.
    No libido, thinking about sex constantly.
    Lots of unreleased sexual pressure even though I'm not horny.
    Gotta fight the urge to MO!
    Goddamn I miss the days when I could constantly watch porn and still fuck multiple times a day.
    Damn.
     
  17. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 14.
    I'm closing in on 2 weeks o_0
    Today has been one hell of a day. Well speaking for (sep 28th, it's almost 5am now on the 29th and I'm writing early). Woke up feeling TERRIBLE and crept to happiness through out the day.
    I went to a faire today and couldn't help but get mad dopamine rushes from looking at girls. Iono what it was, but making eye contact with a girl just felt so nice, like more than ever. One girl I made long eye contact with... she turned her head to keep eye contact while I walked by! Super confidence booster.
    As well I also started shaking at some point in the day and random parts of my body would turn numb every few minutes. Wtf??

    I also fantisized slightly when in the car and started getting hard. Before it would be in total darkness and completely in my own thoughts. I was sitting with my entire family too. Decent 80% boner. Started getting weird so I stopped thinking about it.

    Hung out with the Russian girl today, doubt that shit is going anywhere. After she left she texted me and said she was gonna ask me to stay over but didn't cause it would be weird because she wasn't wearing clothes...? Why would someone bother saying that. I think she is manipulative. She sent me a ton of pics of her and her friend in their underwear, which was fun. She is a nightmare, I can't figure her out, and probably should just leave it to rest.

    Later on my friend and I kinda cuddled up while watching TV. She layed on my lap and I just didn't fucking pay mind to PIED. I felt like my dick wasn't dead, but also not alive. I got up and went to the bathroom and my dick was considerably bigger than it normally was. Maybe I'm getting more receptive to female touch? I'm also never expecting to pop boners from something non sexual, but this did catch my attention.

    Also my balls have been seriously fucking hurting. Like at points it feels as bad as being kicked in the nuts, I feel like I'm damaging them by the pain I'm experiencing. Jesus I thought flat lining felt like shit but it's heaven compared to this pain!!! Fucking shit! I thought no libido was hell. Well, this is hell.

    Ok time to calm down. I've been feeling pretty alright. Had a very in depth conversation with my new friend Caitlin that kinda broke our ice. She is not a romance interest though.
    Can't wait to get my fucking life back =3
     
  18. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 14. Part 2 - 9:04 p.m.
    Yes, I'm writing in here again for the day, I'm just having a lot of pain and this helps me vent. Withdrawal symptoms maybe.
    My heart rate has been extremely high today. I was weighed at 137 pounds 2 weeks ago so i'm not concerned it's over my weight.

    I think I'm experiencing more physical pain than anything today. I feel pretty numb and just don't care about anything.
    However I feel like I'm getting really sick. My throat hurts, I feel fatigued, my body is sore, I also kinda feel too warm.
    I've smoked so many goddamn cigarettes lately that I started spitting up blood today. I've made a conscious effort to quit today. My mood isn't currently terrible somehow. Maybe this physical pain is distracting me, I mean like I'm sooo uncomfortable now. Laying in bed and just feeling so shitty. My ex girlfriend might come over to plan N64 with me. Got a flat screen TV in my bedroom so I'm just watching TV for the moment.

    I went over to the Russian girl's house today and walked about 2 or 3 miles in a park which was nice. I also biked over 6 miles today. Her and I went to a graveyard and took some pictures. The graveyard made me think a lot about life. As much as this whole PIED shit has made me no longer fear death and contemplate suicide, I definitely know I don't want to commit suicide. I saw a lot of graves that had a husband's and a wife's name written on it and it touched my heart. I decided that's how I want to die. Old age and happily married with a family to live on my name. I will pray to whatever God may be out there that I one day will be able to find love and make love and have children. Nothing more I want in life than that.

    Apart from my dick to work again all I want is someone to lay in bed with for the rest of the evening and cuddle. I feel too broken right now.
    Physical comfort is all I fucking want =(


    Positives
    No longer feel a constant desire to commit suicide
    My emotions, even though out of control and negative, aren't terrible.

    *EDIT* I was laying in bed and thought back to a sexual experience I've had before and within a minute got it to 100%! No stimulation! It was back and forth between 90-100% but lasted as long as I was thinking about it. I know I shouldn't be thinking about sexual stuff, but it wasn't even fantasy. This is definitely the best I've been able to do since I started this. I could get like 50%, then 60%, then 80% but now I felt like it was bulging 100%! I know this shit is not linear, but I just couldn't get it up without touching it 2 weeks ago. I feel like it also kinda reduced my blue balls, no M tho. I pressed on it with a finger to feel the firmness but that's all.

    Negatives
    Feeling tremendously awful physically
    Terrible sleep
    Libido seems to have drastically dropped and dick feels numb again. It hurts, balls are aching, but feels numb to the touch. Wtf? =(
    Extremely lonely
     
  19. Invictuscreed

    Invictuscreed Life is short; don't waste it

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    That's the attitude :) things may seem awful right now, but trust me when I say things will get better. When I feel bad, what really helps me is to take a long walk in nature.. it might not seem too appealing at first, but it really allows you to gather your thoughts and release some stress.
     
  20. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - start of 90 days

    Day 15.
    Balls hurt a lot.
    Emotionally doing significantly better.
    Thinking of sexual stuff and trying to get hard (no no no stimulation) helps blue balls/physical pain for withdrawal.
     

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