Journal of Bay Age 29

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by baywalker, Oct 30, 2019.

  1. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    what else can you do? that’s a good question. i won’t list your missions, you don’t need them listed. your subconscious won’t let you fall asleep if you miss them.

    are you surprised by the opening darkness? is that going to make it less mysterious to you?

    none of those questions can be answered. nothing you asked for can be answered. therefore let me ask the questions from now on. it’s already time for you to let it go.

    probably you thought darkness was going to be the end to all. overcoming the fog was going to be success. you were wrong again. it’s ok, for all things to appear the way they do.

    everyone you see is going to be shown to you by real forces. It’s not a coincidence.

    you’ve done all this, intentionally. none of it was to hold you back from anything. none of it was to show you off. none of it.

    trust requires a genuine, complete letting go of all things connected to your fear, of what you think you need, to trust.

    you are very in right now. it’s a good thing. that’s the beginning of your journey, finally.

    in all this uncertainty, this is certain.
     
  2. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Sweet tune. Sound like you're doing half-decent, unless I'm totally reading it wrong.
     
  3. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    It's about right :)
     
  4. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Opportunity for Hate

    Is this an opportunity for hate?

    I asked, everytime something happened to me, in the past 10 years. There were only a handful of people, things, situations that I deemed to be positive or beneficial for me.

    Could that have been correct?

    Who knows?

    Either side can't be proven.

    Almost everything that happened to me, I saw it as an attack to my safety, to my well-being, or social status. I always looked for ways to get revenge. Even though knowing better, doing better, or stopping myself before acting upon an opportunity for hate.. Why am I this way?

    I wasn't this way, long long ago..

    I guess there is a part of growth and maturity that takes away the naivety. Then comes the saltiness, the broken rose colored glasses, you know you could have been nicer to people, or situations, and you know you won't be. You can almost catch yourself in front of someone telling you something and you can see through the words, you know what they are trying to do, so you hit back.

    You could avoid, or dodge too, but no, you must hit back.

    The opportunity is so great to miss that chance to see the failure in their eyes. You've been broken so many times before, it's only time for you to show your real colors, and they are furthest from pink.

    Then the lines get real blurred.

    Then it becomes easy enough to lie and say "I'm a man of justice."

    A great cover at every opportunity for hate.
     
  5. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Dopamine Reflux

    You know I limited my coffee drinking to one cup a day after 1pm before 2pm. It was after speaking to an older friend of mine from the same business as me, telling me that drinking coffee all day long gave him reflux and that now he can only drink one cup a day in the morning. We used to get together for an hour or so and drink 2-3 cups within the hour while we chatted. Last time we met he drank water, while I drank coffee, feeling really bad about it.

    In these forums we limited our sexual arousal to only real life and hollywood movies (hopefully) so we won't completely hamster ourselves. You know why, you know how. Not easy, we all know.

    We have been limited to indoors (not just indoors, our homes more likely, unless you got caught at a different country, then you may not be able to relate to this, or you may, I don't know) on a limitation of everything in our lives. If you've been paying attention (and I know you have, if you weren't you'd not have been on these forums) you can see that we also do things on a daily basis that sort of reflects on our addictions.

    Did you feel shame that you weren't only addicted to porn?

    I did.

    I felt exteme shame that I was addicted to my ipad games. I felt extreme shame that I was addicted to not getting to work for hours before watching motivation videos. I felt extreme shame that every second or third video came up to pretty much say "stop watching these videos, stop watching everything, stop doing everything that gives you the dopamine so that you aren't hijacking your brain to use up your limited daily motivation."

    I'm literally writing this post while I could be working, but also, as all of our posts have been on these forums, they all are a constant cry for help isn't it?
     
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  6. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I don't usually share others' work (except for music I guess). Kids of 1900's really understood it. I really wonder how, but they did. Check it out.


    Oyfn Veg Shteyt A Boym


    By the wayside stands a bent tree;
    All the birds have flown away,
    And the tree stands deserted.

    Turn toward the west, turn toward the east,
    And the rest--turn toward the south,
    And the tree is abandoned to the storm.

    I say to momma--"Listen,
    If you don't stand in my way,
    Then, one--two,
    I'll quickly become a bird.

    I'll sit in the tree
    And lull it during the winter and comfort it
    With a lovely tune."

    And momma says, "No, child,"
    And weeps bitter tears.
    "G-d forbid, you might freeze in the tree."

    So I say, "Momma, it's a waste of your lovely eyes,
    Because before you know it,
    I'll be a bird."

    And momma cries, and says "Itzik, my Crown,
    As G-d would want, take a scarf with you,
    Lest you catch cold.

    "Put on your galoshes,
    It will be a severe winter.
    And take your fur hat, too.
    Woe is me!

    "And wear you warm underwear, foolish child,
    Lest you become a guest of the dead."

    I lift my wing, but it's hard...
    Too many things, too many things
    Has momma put on her weak little fledgling.

    I look sadly into my momma's eyes;
    Her love did not allow me to become a bird.

    By the wayside stands a bent tree.
    All the birds have flown away,
    And the tree stands deserted.

    Yitsik Manger
     
  7. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Bad Time

    It's a pretty bad time to be going through this whole abstinence thing huh?

    How much did I manage to overcome?

    Or how much did I manage to come to terms with?

    I'm feeling a sense of tingling on my left hand index finger, thumb, middle finger (probably start of carpal tunnel), my back pain has sort of left, not completely.
    There are inflammations at parts of my spine.
    My ears don't hear equally the same.
    I'm an obsessive person who can't really let go of things. I still get lost on ig babes pics and waste so much time.
    I'm either all in or completely out (this is extremely unattractive, or very attractive, more former than latter on most cases).
    I don't know how to play it cool.
    I'm more of a 'will be understood after he is dead' kind of a guy.

    Come to terms with what you can't overcome.

    Right?


    What if the whole world just went downhill over this stupid virus?

    What if we lose something we can never get back again after this thing blows over, and I don't mean the dead we will have to bury after the lockdown.

    Something mental, something that we held onto so hopelessly.


    Come to terms with what you can't overcome.



    Right?
     
  8. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Unconditional

    I want to believe I was in the wrong.

    There is no proof that I was.

    There is only proof that I had filtered for toxic and found it.

    Why do I only find toxic people? I’m afraid I might have mummy issues. Hopelessly going after unrealistic things I call dreams and goals.

    Seriously, I have to audit who I am, where I fit in, and what I can do.

    Without faking, or tricking. Like I thought I had to.

    This whole pain is more of a reminder rather than a heart matter. Looking back at my track record, especially looking back at my track record.

    I went all in, a world opened, that’s it.

    Continue in this opened world, don’t look at closed doors. Of course there are more closed doors than open.

    Who matter don’t care, who care don’t matter.

    No regrets. Don’t regret not regretting now, what the hell are you even thinking?

    We’ve only began.

    Come on now.

    You know it all, you are just barking up the wrong puss.
     
  9. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    You will find only what you bring in.

    It’s not that I don’t write everyday, it’s that what I write doesn’t get a chance to be here at all times.

    The scariest thing in life is to be hopeless.

    The scariest thing is to lose all ways out.

    Then you wonder, if you should actually lose it all.

    Today we don’t get to. We won’t get to.

    We are too rich, too privileged. Look at our problems? How more first world can you get?

    I accept it.

    Accepting isn’t enough.

    I admit it.

    Admitting isn’t enough.

    It’s something else. Something more. This isn’t enough.

    You know it too don’t you?

    Ever elusive satisfaction of life.

    That which we had, for a short time, way back when.

    We’ve been doing everything trying to get back to it.

    Ever elusive.

    It never comes back.

    We are here to absolve ourselves.

    From ourselves.

    We only receive who we are.

    Truth is ever elusive.

    I won’t be able to finish this one. Thanks for skimming through.
     
  10. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

  11. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    What I want to know is, why are we here?

    Seriously, not making fun of memes right now.

    Is this a lesson to be learned?

    Or are you telling me that I am to be blamed, still?

    I thought we were done with it all.

    But it’s the same thing over and over again.

    When it comes to knowing what to do, universe has a way of making sure it doesn’t happen, or it happens. Who knows.

    Phases.

    One thing that you hold onto to continue, push forward, is the same thing you must let go of, to actually be able to move forward.

    It’s almost like Tarzan, if he wants to move on, he has to let go of one branch to jump to the next one.
     
    crink likes this.
  12. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Do you enjoy your work?
     
  13. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Yes @Joe Makuza

    And welcome to the forums. I hope you stick around.
     
  14. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Now You Fap, Now You Don't

    It's a classic.

    Stick around long enough and you'll catch a very interesting detail about almost everyone in the forums.

    They are all dealing with the same issue in the same way.

    Now you might be saying "you are generalizing, boo!"

    Well boo fucking hoo.

    Let's be honest with ourselves and leave the political correctness at the door.

    This is an addiction, and possibly, your genetic family has a susceptibility to addictive behavior, so there wasn't much you could do about that. Then you went through a rough ass patch that brought you low enough, for some people rock bottom, to find yourself here.

    Now you are trying to stay strong, make amends, try not to click, download a program to block you from sites you don't want, or whatever have you.

    But what's the truth?

    It all comes back to my first post in this thread.

    What are you distracting yourself from?

    I know it took me years and however many posts to come clean out here to you, regardless of the fact that you know me. Well, to be honest, you know me better than people who know my identity. Isn't it funny? How fake our 'real' identities actually are?

    Welcome to life.

    The reason I'm writing today is to tell you about another discovery about myself, and that if you choose to try it too, it might help, or it might now, but hear it from someone who got so emotional was about to cry, while cleaning out his DVD collection.

    This is a good time to click away.

    Since we are done with the common reader, let's really get to it.

    I had read from Jordan Peterson, just listen to me will you, what did we say? We have left PC out at the door, just for this post, remember?

    I had read from him on 12 Rules of Life:

    Rule 6: Set Your House in Perfect Order Before You Criticize The World

    It may, at first, seem odd for Dr. Peterson to assume we criticize the world, but come on, you are a porn addict, let us all shut the fuck up about it. And to be honest, who could honestly tell me that they aren't criticizing the world? At first, if you didn't criticize the social mating nuances, oh, now you get it.

    So I read this book actually 2 years or so ago and it was fucking expensive for where I am in the world, but fuck it, it was and still is all for education.

    So it stayed with me, I forgot about it, then it came back to me around when I had to clean up my wardrobe because I had come back from southeast asia, and I couldn't fit my clothes from my luggage to my wardrobe.

    So I started cleaning up, then I cleaned up that one famous drawer full of random shit, from mammoth tooth necklace to fucking game boy cartridges.

    Any millenials here? Anyone? I'm throwing this Zinedine Zidane soccer game away then.

    Cleaning up that drawer was so painful, I thought it was because of the labor it was taking to clean it up before I started, but it wasn't. It was some sort of a sub conscious emotional processing that I hadn't ever gone through.

    Stay with me now, we are getting to the real deal here.

    So I finish the cleaning up, I pick up a plastic trash bag and start to throw the shit I can throw. Then I move onto my DVD shelf.

    By the way, you can do this by telling yourself, "if you take everything off the shelf down, I'll let you watch a film, or play a videogame, whatever" Like reward yourself for doing this stuff.

    So I take out my DVD shelf, there is of course, VCDs, music CD's, some casettes, some floppy disks, yea man, floppy disks was how I started, did I have a floppy disk porn stash? Do you really need to ask?

    Anyway

    I took them down, then I watched two films (who said I can't over-reward myself? It's summer), first one was Lost in Translation by Sofia Coppola, I couldn't believe how much I could relate to a 17 year old film, well the funny thing is I wouldn't have related to it at all if I had watched it back in '03. I wouldn't have understood it. I related a lot to it from my southeast asia times. It reminded me of how much I was in need of a connection while there, but had never found it. Then the second film I saw was Inside Out by Pete Docter, well I guess, I should say by Pixar for the avid film goer. That was when it started to click. Inside Out is on the outside a child animation representing emotions, blah blah, but in reality, it shows how one must process emotions to be able to move through them. In a way, grow through them.

    That's when I knew universe was starting to reward me. I knew it was about cleaning up.

    So I went through my DVD collection (I didn't watch through them all, duh, I can't watch Lord of the Rings a 15th time again. By the way, it's not the whole trilogy, only fellowship, nothing but fellowship, so help me god), and I found some films that weren't even open, I must have bought them, then forgotten about them, like tabs left open, that we say we will get back but never do. So I put one on, a documentary called Mystery of Dali (yes, that Dali), I was like, I know everything about Dali, I'm probably not gonna learn anyhing ne.. Then I froze. The documentary, or let's say Dali's life, and work, revolved around one thing, and that's not the melting pocket watches, it was his wife, Gala. This woman was so important to Dali, people word it as 'they don't get why Dali loved her so much' which is fucking retarted to ask, it was obvious to me. Gala was a person that supported Dali all through his life, before he made it big, she was the first one to see those melting pocket watches, and Dali asked, "Can you forget this painting?" and Gala responded "No one can forget this after seeing it once." I mean what an answer. I finished the doc, it wasn't the best doc I had ever seen, but something interesting happened then. If I had watched that doc whenever I bought it, I wouldn't have gotten that message from it.

    This was the kind of relationship I was looking for. Yes, when I was younger I looked for fuck dolls, and I had my share, then I went through some sort of a depression, this might have been because of just luck, or because I broke those last two girls' hearts and they did a voodoo on me, who knows, all I know is I was way way below zero on my karma points. And I might have lost the last couple girls I was dating due to this. I had made a point to myself not to create drama and hurt the last ones I dated and did let them go without drama.

    Then I put the DVDs back in place, threw the pirated ones away. Some of these pirated dvds were original dvd rips, with the commentaries and extras and all, goddamn what an industry. How embarrassing..

    Anyway, after finishing the DVDs up, I sat down and I felt a huge feeling of sadness over me. I had gone through floppy disks, one of them was lion king game, my god how great that game was, and I had this other game called Lotus Turbo Challenge 2.

    If you google Lotus Turbo Challenge 2 Music, my god, those were the days..

    Then I watch a film called The Lady in the Dunes, it's a Japanese black and white film, from the 60's or something. Well I won't spoil it for you, but the message I got from it was, if you are a man without a plan, you will be a part of someone else's plan. Of course, it's shown in a more traumatic way in the film. This is the Japanese we are talking about, come on.

    That's when I knew, the universe had started speaking to me again. I went through another hard two days processing memories and things, and getting through them one by one. Old books, old posters, further movies to give me more and more messages about what it is that I was missing.

    Here is the thing, it's almost impossible to explain, I tried and failed. But I hope you understood something more about yourself by reading what I wrote. I haven't finished going through my wardrobe yet, I have two more shelves full of comic books and books that I need to go through.

    But there is one thing I know,

    The memories you abandoned are the ones that recorded the amount of times where you abandoned other people, abandoned promises, and through that, abandoned yourself.

    You know there are open loops that you need to close. You know that. You know your close friends who gave up, you can see it in their eyes, you can hear it in their voice.

    You are here, addicted to porn, not because you are a creep who is trying to get his fix because the fucked up feminist world has left you dry, it's because your subconscious is trying to tell you something. It's trying to tell you to go back to those painful moments, process them, feel bad for the things you have done, cry if you need to, but in the end, accept it, and forgive.

    Forgive yourself.

    Because others can't do it for you.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  15. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

  16. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    How to Clean Your Room

    While cleaning up my room, and found out of couple projects that I had abandoned. Not small projects to be honest with you, pretty big projects. I don't want to say could have done this would have done this.. Well I found two projects I had abandoned. One in 2011 and one in 2016. You might be thinking wait what? Where did the time go?

    I know.

    But the issue here is the fact that I have let people down, but not taking responsibility. It may be because I don't have a father, it may be because my family had different plans for me and I didn't agree to them, and even though they didn't refuse, they didn't help me either. I don't want to complain, nor do I want to point fingers. All I know is that after cleaning my room, I came across these things.

    I knew that once I cleaned up my room (that's really, in a way, to say that you are cleaning up your act, and it's no easy feat, I found things from 15 years ago that was just laying around in the depths of my room, and mind you, I had tucked all that in, in a small room before leaving for southeast asia).

    I don't know, I can't explain it to you in full complete detail to help you understand what I knew I was going through. And I didn't really know what I was going through. All I know is whatever happened in my personal life, I had let it bleed into my professional life. Those two projects were assigned to me by powerful people, at least the first one, second one was through my own work in a way. But still. It's very interesting that even though after 2016 I had left to southeast asia and that I hadn't needed to associate with the people who didn't know the irresponsible behavior of mine, I was still treated with suspicion and while I was there I was mad at that, because why should anyone who has gone to Vietnam or Thailand to work for example, that they must have done something wrong? You know? But I mean I had in a way. Though my intentions were good, you can't prove that at that point. I didn't remember that I had demons to deal with, I didn't know I had demons to deal with. Since not delivering on those projects, I was never given responsibilities as big as those. Since I run my own company now, I don't want to say wasted, but used a year running around in circles. I did get some jobs that simply felt like "Hey if you run from here to the other side of the city twice, we'll give you money" kind of jobs. So that running around was also because I was unconsciously running away from the real issues and didn't know how to tackle them.

    So give all this to a smart brain and you get the first best solution to deal with them, you guessed it right, porn.

    I know I made a similar comment before, but take this as an explanation on how it might have gone down in my brain without my knowledge.

    I have learned, achieved, enjoyed things on the way between 2005 to 2019. But it's also pretty scary to have found all of those things from those years, just left there. Like open tabs to return someday, and never to be returned.

    I could have understood all this while in my house in LA, at my peaceful neighborhood. Today, I am living across a hospital where people have been fighting for the past half an hour over parking space. But maybe I was meant to go through this all to come full circle, I know I mentioned that before.

    As I understand more, I feel more compassionate towards others.

    So, do I know how to tackle these issues now?

    I can say that I know one thing, I will make it right, and tie the loose ends remaining. It's scary because this could end the career I thought I had for good. It's a shame, but only a good realization for how I will raise my own children, with responsibility and meaning. And to make it my mission to educate myself on what they need and how they can achieve that which they need. In fact I may start that even before having my own children.

    Coming back to my career, I might need to let it go. I will genuinely do some more to make sure I know I have done my best with the resources I have for the following couple years, maybe 1 and a half more years, until I'm 30.

    I am choosing to be an honorable man who tried and failed rather than a crook who tries to get what he can.

    This reminds me of my college career. I transferred to three different schools (I started with one and jumped two schools), first one was definitely not me, second one was not a real school, and on my last attempt, I had realized that I had grown to like this university in LA and it wasn't an easy reach because it was a selective school, but it wasn't impossible like those other bigger schools, but given my GPA it was a good reach and it was a meaningful attempt. It was worth the sacrifice. People I met in that school are dear to me, things I learned there are dear to me. Thanks to a friend I met in my last school I went to southeast asia.

    I can see what is possible in my career, and it is not exactly what I had dreamed of as a child, especially given my unreliable actions in the past 10 years, what's possible isn't easy, but it's reachable, it is a meaningful attempt.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  17. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Every Turn

    Wherever I turned I found another way I had let down someone. Wherever I turned I found out I had proven to be an unreliable person.

    I can’t believe how at every turn I find things I have failed. People I’ve let down.

    I wasn’t a good person when I was young.

    I don’t mean that as I was an evil person. I was just bad at being a person. Being a reliable person. Maybe it was because I wasn’t coached, I don’t know. That’s what Gary Vaynerchuk says. When he was young, he was about to become an unreliable person until his father told him never to do that again, and he took that to heart. I didn’t have someone to tell me that.

    Technically, I am here and I have been very careful not to be unreliable. In these past couple of days, I’m realizing more and more that I must go back to the days that I haven’t been reliable and I must clean up the mess I had created.

    Say I was a child and that it didn’t matter. How so? It did matter, and I did let people down. Now I’m on the verge of falling off the cliff. I can’t believe we managed to handle it this long. It was the wrong path.

    We can come back around to the right path. And now is the time for it.

    Can you believe that it had nothing to do with porn? It was basically a cloak to hide behind.

    This forum is practially a cloak addiction prevention forum, suggesting we should be avoiding cloaks until we are not addicted to them anymore.

    We aren't addicted to cloaks everyone! We are addicted to running away from our responsibilities. Maybe we aren't addicted to "running away" per se, maybe we are so afraid, so scared that all along the way, whenever the pendulum swings back to our responsibility moment, we run away, to what, to our cloaks.

    Welcome to Your Cloak Rebalanced.

    Don't hate the cloak, hate what made you run to it.
     
    UK Don likes this.
  18. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Life Simplified

    I have simplified the hell out of my life, with thanks to this COVID, oddly enough.

    I do nothing but a couple of things now.

    That is: wake up, breakfast, coffee, lunch, coffee, play guitar, further relaxation, work, dinner, more work/ponder.

    Since I don't live in the safest city in the world when it comes to health, or care for health, I had to let go of gym. Am I going to do push ups and lift suitcases? Fuck no, are you kidding me?

    Anyway,

    When I simplified my life a couple of interesting things started happening. I kept catching my brain trying to freak out over the future or get depressed over the past.

    By the way, I finished the incomplete job from 9 years ago. It's laughable, and I am a little embarrassed to send it, but you know, if it was me, and someone sent me an email about an incomplete job from 10 years ago and said, "I know it doesn't matter but we finished the job," I would respect them. I feel like I mentioned this before, but I might not have. Better safe than be sorry. I do read through my posts from the first thread to last from time to time, so I will find out haha.

    Anyway, so while completing that job, I cried like 3 times. It was an intense emotion. Maybe it was the realization of my mistakes, maybe it was the realization of what I might have missed out because of the people I let down, or maybe it was a mix of everything combined. I am on the way to finish the next job from 2016. This one will require more work but it will be done. The clean up will be completed.

    In the meantime, I still have a hard time sleeping because my brain goes all over the place, trying to freak out and get depressed like all at the same time. But I'm kinda letting it be. Around 2-3am it gives up.

    More and more I'm realizing that my brain tells me "Oh my god, we have to do this and that we have to come on!" But there is one thing I know, that I had lived like that all my life and all I did was spin my wheels. I try to calm myself by saying "don't worry, when we sit at our desk, we will know what to do." And it has been working well for the past couple weeks. I don't know the exact day I started being this way. Anyway, I also make sure not to push myself. You might say "no you should push yourself!" then I'd say "fuck you, you don't know me."

    I push myself by default. So it's better to turn it around and say let's not push ourselves, and that allows me to find some calm. And it's more about trusting my brain, knowing that it will know what to do when the time comes, rather than not trusting it and pushing it and by the right time comes its so tired that it can't deliver. I mean welcome to my life.

    But it has been working well. I'm starting to find some proper flow. It feels slower and calmer in the moment, which still freaks me out from time to time, but in the long run, I've realized that it works better, its like the right amount to deliver, and if I needed to solve a problem I didn't know the answer to, I just think of the question and let it sit. Then in a day or two I pretty much watch my brain figure it out on it's own without me telling it what to do.

    Did I tell you I have some sort of an OCD for work? It's like an under control OCD, but it is possible to let it run rampant if you aren't careful.

    Curse and a gift isn't it?

    As I simplify my life, I realize that subtracting doesn't take away things I need, its almost like even if you subtracted something you thought you needed, your brain will re-calculate a new path.

    I must be jinxing the fuck out of my progress. But if you think you are, then you aren't.
     
  19. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

  20. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Over 6 months without porn, what an achievement! Extremely proud of you!
     

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