Journal of Bay Age 29

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by baywalker, Oct 30, 2019.

  1. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    It very well may be that I’m not a conservative. It very well may be. I’m trying to say something else here tho.

    I do think about what you said about dating. I only have to get it right once. It is true. But having that secret relationship with my screen was just enough to block me from the real world and from that right one. So not even once, was I getting it right.

    I could say “screw the counter” but I want to give it another 90 days. See where I’m at. See if more will come up. I feel like it will.

    It’s very interesting you mentioned that. I don’t know if I wrote this before but for a while now I’ve been realizing that when I say something to someone it feels like I’m bullshitting them, even though I’m not. I wonder if it’s nothing but wrong word choice..
  2. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Unfortunate Expectations

    The greatest defeater is the heightened expectations we have for ourselves.

    They aren't wrong, they aren't irrelevant, but they are misplaced.

    It's good to have expectations. It's good to be expecting great things. Unfortunately all these things come from a certain social conditioning. We are trying to compete with some version of ourselves that doesn't exist yet. Unfortunately everything I say can be denied, however, you can still keep reading, maybe it'll give you an idea.

    The idea that we will be complete when we are there, that we will be happy when we are cured, is unfortunately wrong. It's the weirdest thing to ask someone to be happy where they are and then still let them improve. Unfortunately the opposite is also wrong. What I've discovered is happiness and satisfaction have different prices and values on our lives. I have discovered that happiness is cheaper than satisfaction. Though we try to make happiness scarcer to increase it's price, therefore it should be more valuable. That too, is unfortunately wrong. Satisfaction is expensive. And it should be. We should work for satisfaction (pmo is connected to this satisfaction), it has to come at a cost so we can be both satisfied and improved at the same time. The offset here is the happiness value. Almost always in order to pay for satisfaction we have to buy our ticket for satisfaction journey with happiness currency. Higher our happiness, more advantage at satisfaction. The opposite is not true here, fortunately. Therefore it is and it should be cheap to be happy. Because we don't need satisfaction for happiness. We need happiness for satisfaction.
  3. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    @baywalker Hey friend, haven't heard from you in a while. Everything going ok?
  4. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Hi @Joshua Shea all is well, I just caught a bit of a flu and been on and off the bed whole last week. Thanks for checking in. Hope all is well on your end, I understand you renewed your site, looking good.
  5. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    So all is well, besides my sickness. I'm sort of lonely, not really. I'm getting a lot of female attention, from all ages. Like I used to. I guess it's coming around. Also I got a chance to lose some of my second chin and puffed cheeks. I am getting feedback from my workout, it's showing good muscular shape.

    Besides all that, I'm starting to remember why I left home, to either go to the US, or Asia. I can't associate with the people here. People here are too 'clever,' they don't value important things like I grew to learn and value, like hardwork, respect, discipline. If something can get done in an easier way, people want to just do that here, they don't want to work hard to remain on a high standard.

    I can feel it, I'm going to need to leave soon. The only problem is I owe too much money to friends and family here. I could run away but that's just not me. I could be patient, pay debt and save some, and move to Taiwan or Australia. At least give it another shot. I can't stay here.
    Joshua Shea likes this.
  6. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    @baywalker I"m sorry to hear you have been sick, but it sounds like you are doing better. I think if you feel that inner desire to be somewhere else you've got to follow it. Sure, your problems will follow you, but it is nice to leave a lot of the people who caused those problems behind.
  7. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Thanks @Joshua Shea yeah, I am definitely going out to do a 'long travel' soon. I just have a couple of things left to deal with over here.


    Distraction Age of Valentines

    I have nothing to say.

    I have dropped smoking, porn, cut down on drinking. I definitely don't drink on my own anymore. I actually cut down on drinking coffee while I was sick, though I'm still sleeping 9 hours a day. The coffee was that extra hour of energy in my life. I had a hunch about it. Now I know for sure.

    It was a good time to do it, so I did.

    I have been going to the gym regularly for over a month now, fingers crossed. I had to go today, but I'll delay it to tomorrow. Less people I see the better today.

    I have decided to schedule meeting more people outside of business these days. It's very tough, I haven't been doing this for maybe over 3 years. I still meet new people though, it's hard to meet good new people, but I do, it's not zero.

    I have realized that I've had some trauma over women that I find attractive. During my porn days I wasn't capable of making the connection, but now I can see that I either try and ignore a woman I find attractive, or try to use them strictly for physical reasons. It's interesting to be able to see it like I'm a third person watching myself do these things. Either way, I will have to do something about that.

    I have decreased my expectations over other people, it was pretty heartbreaking because you hope for a better society, and it just doesn't exist.

    I'm constantly watching myself trying to find a distraction to keep my mind numbed. I also catch my brain trying to run for that certain distraction as a place holder for porn.

    I find myself looking for all kinds of 'safe for work' imagery to feed my brain on this valentines day. Couple of SFW 9gag videos/photos, couple of photos/videos of IG models. I manage to hold off on going too deep into it, and survive it without a relapse. While I go through it I realize how weak my brain is.

    This whole day was invented as a marketing ploy, and my brain, the so-called genius brain falls into it over and over. I'm too embarrassed to admit enough of it. The year before this, I was on an awkward platonic date with the kick box girl, where the date ended with an awkward wave goodbye, the previous year was with one of the girls I was dating in asia, which was also a below average experience really. The secret I didn't have was my sober brain, now I have it (knock on wood), now I know I don't have to fight for crumbs of affection just because it's the 'distracting our minds by affection' day. My healthiest choice is going to be staying home and relaxing. Doing some more work, and enjoying my time, separate from the rest of the dating world.
    crink likes this.
  8. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    This will be a very long post. But I've gone through it after finishing it and I believe it is going to be of value to you if you read it. As always, I welcome and look forward to your responses.

    Thanks in advance for reading.

    So, this month marked the first year of my business.

    Onto the second year. Wow, time flies. In a good way, to be honest. I'm fine with the speed of time.

    Quitting porn definitely made the difference in my life. It was almost like the missing link in my life. Once I stopped it, everything started to make sense, connect and almost magically things started to close their loops.

    I'm in a very interesting place in my life. Things are changing slowly towards where I want them to be. I started a personal video log where I record my thoughts, general thoughts, like a thoughtstream. It's been only a couple days and I can already see a positive feedback from it. Two rules I've put for myself, I will never share it online, and I will record everyday no matter what. The difference between this and speaking to an actual person or a therapist is the complete confidence of knowing no one else will know what I'm thinking, and I get to close loops on my recurring and never resolving thoughts and ideas.

    It's almost like my imaginary therapist.

    I might share the gist of some of my thoughts here in the future, maybe.

    I'm not feeling the past cravings for porn like I used to. Recently I opened up about why I deleted instagram to my friends. I said I don't use IG anymore because I waste too much time looking at girls' asses. One of my friends admitted he wastes a lot of time doing that too. That was like a weird relief? So I'm not alone in being fucked up? I don't know. I don't know the answers to everything.

    What I'm feeling is a sense of a lack in happiness and my brain is deciding that the solution is in sexual arousal. I can isolate myself from this happening and look at it separately.

    My brain still gets blocked and bogged down when I try to communicate with a woman I'm attracted to. It reminds me of when I was in college, I used to take the bus to the campus since I didn't have a car, and I was so awkward that I couldn't even say hi to the driver. Overtime I figured that all I had to do was say hi and keep walking down the aisle. In the end, the solution to my problem was not a better method of delivering my greeting but an informed indifference to the reaction I was going to get. With some drivers you couldn't win, they were just sour and sulky, with other drivers you couldn't shut them up even if you wanted to. At first with sulky drivers my day was ruined, and with talkative drivers my day was made. After extreme highs and lows with my day being completely defined by whether the bus driver responded to my greeting positively or negatively, I discovered that I had nothing to do with these drivers' response to me. From a greater perspective it is weird to think that one's day should be defined by an external response, but I guess that's me. So if I were to think of this equally with a woman, it's pretty much the same. Even though I stopped online dating, it was always only a numbers game. What I said never really mattered (ok maybe it did to a certain extent, but since I had no control on how the girl on the opposite end of the communication to respond to me), it was probably a matter of if the girl is open to meeting a stranger at this time in her life or not. Simple as that. Rarely did I get a 'send me a picture of you' from these girls. My profile picture was enough. If they were interested, they were all in, if they weren't interested, I could tell. There was no need to waste anybody's time any further. Yeah there was the occasional super cute girl that I pushed a little too hard on, but in the end, even if we met, the relationship didn't go anywhere. Now that I think about it, I can tell that I had pushed my last girlfriend to be my girlfriend. It was only a one night stand, but since I was too lazy to keep going out to meet new girls (since I had recently dropped online dating and I was super soft on real life dating) I pushed this girl to be my girlfriend. Looking back, we had a two and a month night stand, not a real relationship. And guess what everybody, it was my fault. Again, I thought I was too smart and I could bend reality.

    Things just happen, there is no need to push them.

    Same thing with this porn. Yeah, sadness happens, but we don't need to push happiness, then of course our so called 'genius' brain will start to come up with overcompensating solutions. We are geniuses afterall remember? Can you believe if our brain failed to come up with a solution? Never have I ever heard of such a blasphemy!

    So the lesson of this post is, just do what you do and let the rest be. The answer is in calming down to indifference over everything that can't be changed in the world. I think the successful in the world become as such because they discovered that all they need to do is all they can do, then the world came to them, as much as the world wanted to. Even after that, the successful will be indifferent to the world, because they did what they had to, they delivered their greetings.
    crink, Merton and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Great post Baywalker. Thanks for sharing ...

    I can relate to sexual arousal being a solution for unhappiness. But how to beat this ? ...
    baywalker likes this.
  10. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Thanks @Thelongwayhome27 appreciate it.

    There just has to be a different solution for unhappiness then. Maybe it's not even unhappiness, maybe it's only downtime. Maybe we are looking at this from an anxious perspective. Maybe it's ok not to have anything to do after work, dinner, later in the day/night. Maybe that's the time to spend time with friends and family. Maybe technology improved beyond our capacity to deal with all of these options so we are kind of falling off the tracks more often than not. I'm not saying we all do, in fact, I'm pretty much saying this is what I deal with.

    I remember before this high speed internet, all we had was TV, and there was obviously one TV, so we'd gather around and watch one thing, and one thing only, as a whole family. So it was usually an average sit-com where it was all about just spending the time out before going to bed. Today, I can't even finish one TV show there is so much great stuff out there I feel like I'm missing out on the other ones. And in the end, when I look back at what I have watched in 2020, I haven't really watched a lot of films or tv shows. So what gives?

    Analysis paralysis really. We have so much, we know so much. All of this knowledge does nothing but create a sense of lack. Knowing there can be more constantly will create a sense of lack. I'm out here watching something that was recently released in the States, while watching that on Netflix or whatever, I wonder what might be the most popular TV show in Norway right now, or I wonder if the UK is coming up with some new things. Before you know it, I don't really care about what I watched and start to Google 'Norway tv series' or 'UK tv series' and I don't really find anything of interest to me, that just caused further frustration, now I've wasted so much time, haven't watched my TV show, nor do I want to anymore, then the day ends.

    But did it? Then I conclude that the only way to solve the further inflicted sadness is through sexual arousal.

    Cue porn.

    So I was painting myself into a corner this whole time.

    So I have to ask myself the hard questions:

    - How can I be ok just the way I am, with my anti-climactic downtime?

    I'm not even asking for happiness. I'm fine with being ok.

    I've recently discovered Naval Ravikant. His site is practically full of short thougt bites on happiness.

    See if you like it:
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  11. crink

    crink Member

    Great posts, Bay! Congrats on finishing year 1 of the business!
    I also do a similar thing with the video diary but i record audio. Occasionally I'll film myself talking.
    It's so helpful with zeroing in on repeating patterns. I don't do it everyday but maybe It'd be a good idea to try that.

    That's great you don't feel the cravings anymore!! It's inspiring to read your progress and how you break down your progress and past.

    Absolutely hit the nail on the head with the whole:
    "After extreme highs and lows with my day being completely defined by whether the bus driver responded to my greeting positively or negatively, I discovered that I had nothing to do with these drivers' response to me. From a greater perspective it is weird to think that one's day should be defined by an external response, but I guess that's me."

    It's so true. Others reactions are not a reflection of us, nor a responsibility.

    I've tried too may times to force things.
    You are so right.

    Things just happen, there is no need to push them.

    A lot of the greatest things in my life, just sorta happened an fell into place in some strange unexplainable way.
    I've tried way too hard with some girls trying to get them to like me, or hang out and it just never goes anywhere.
    I'm deciding to focus on the ones that actually respond.

    One more thing. In your second post about the anxiety we face. That is me to a t.
    I feel inadequate. Like I should be doing something productive or having some awesome experience socially.
    I don't know what to do, but one thing I do know, is that p will occupy my brain at least for a bit while I think of something.
    It gives me purpose even if for a moment.
    Being okay with the anti-climactic downtime, or for me, after a big amazing night and I don't know what to do after it. All the dread floods in.

    Keep talking about it on camera, I'm sure the solution will pop up :cool:
    baywalker likes this.
  12. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    When you get heart disease, need a root canal, break a leg, develop diabetes, etc., will you be going to an imaginary doctor?
  13. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Thanks @crink ! One of the unexpectedly helpful things have been on going back to the older recordings and re-watching (listening to) my thoughts. One interesting pattern seems to be my obsession with 'success.' I didn't give the bus driver story there, and I won't give the story I gave there here too haha, but I can see I'm figuring out the idea of 'doing your own part and letting go of the rest' thing. It's tough, to keep it in mind. It's a fleeting thought we have to constantly remind ourselves of.

    I know what you mean @Joshua Shea . I know exactly what you mean. I am trying to bring myself to speaking to a real therapist. I haven't been able to find a good way to explain my issues.

    Here is one interesting thing, just this morning I realized we had no bread left for breakfast, so I went out to buy some. On my way I locked eyes with a pretty girl across the street, standing in front of the bakery. She was standing talking to someone. Then while I was waiting for the cars to pass to get on her side, she got done talking and started walking away. Naturally my eyes followed her, then she turned around and looked back at me again and slowed down. Easy clear sign yeah? I turned away and went my way.

    Let me tell you why.

    The second her attraction to me was confirmed, I felt an incredibly strong anger towards her. I thought to myself "fuck this bitch" She had an a2 size portfolio bag, she is an artist! What better personality trait? But no. I couldn't get myself out of it. It's a numbers game, I know it. She is an artist, and I can come up with bs that will keep her entertained till the cows come home. I know success only requires doing my part and letting it go, I know that too. I know all of these things, why can't I manifest them then? I know it, but I can't overcome it, like a splinter in my mind. You've known me for a while now, you can understand where I'm coming from, both because of knowing me, and because of knowing the addiction. But how do I explain this to a therapist?
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey Baywalker, well I imagine you would tell a therapist just like this. Just like you told us on here. And then perhaps that therapist will try to explore why this sudden anger at the girl.

    Question : If the anger had not arisen like you describe, what would you have done ?
    Question 2 : When you think about it now, what would you have liked the outcome to be of this moment ? The way it happened, or a different way ?

    The quote above is interesting because I find it reveals a bit of the way you see the relationship between a man and a woman. It kind of lets transpire this idea that the man is much superior and the woman is a little dumb child the man needs to entertain and take care of (forgive my exaggeration).

    But what if a man and a woman are to complete each other. And that none is superior to the other one. They both have they're qualities and they're weaknesses. They are indeed quite different, but there is not clear superiority from one to the other. It's neither what the modern feminists like us believe (which are in my opinion brainwashed men haters disconnected from themselves) nor what the red pillers like us to have believe either (people who write books such as The book of Pook or Rolo tomassi for instance).

    With this perspective, of completion and of the notion that a man is nothing without a woman and a woman is nothing without a man - then something as trivial and superficial as the fact that this woman showed herself as an ''artist'', that's the role she undertook, for whatever reason in this lifetime, wouldn't have been so important. And you would be able to put the trivial aside, and see the simple human behind.

    The way you write reminds me a lot of a friend of mine. He is extremely successful career wise. But he has trouble finding true connection with a woman. He's always very demanding and basically sees women as children that he has a mission to take care of. I'm at the other side of the spectrum I'm a pussified man who cannot even talk to a woman. And I respect them way too much. Have always put them on an incredible pedestal and I'm way too sensitivie to the point I go sit down in the friend zone before they direct me there. But yeah, maybe there is some middle path ?

    Cheers !
    Joshua Shea likes this.
  15. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    It's time to Google "Therapists in my area"
  16. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Same thing happened again yesterday night at the subway train with a girl sitting next to me.

    Same thing happened again two days ago with the grocery mall clerk girl.

    It’s getting obvious that I’m trying to run away from the truth isn’t it?

    I’ve thought long and hard for this.

    Here’s what I will do:

    I can go to the therapist I went to when I was young, initially for my dyslexia and later for my father’s passing.

    If I’m not wrong the therapist was a child therapist but my best bet is he can recommend someone. I can trust him.

    I just can’t get myself to lift up the phone

    just yet..
  17. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I've thought about things like this also. We should be able to be happy with things without the artificial highs and lows. I have this fantasy of stopping eating anything that is not natural, so that broccoli starts to taste amazing. This is probably how it is supposed to be. Because of all these new "opportunities," we have also created unnatural cravings.
  18. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Yeah, instant gratification is definitely the plague of our times.
    crink and Joshua Shea like this.
  19. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Soo what's up?

    Been about a week.

    Don't really have anything poetic to write. Sorry if that's why you clicked, I promise, poetry will come back. Currently my mind is busy with work, emo girl and covid19.

    So let's catch up:

    Work, is fine. Every work we do is turning out to be our 'biggest work yet.' I never look at it that way, but my business partner keeps saying it like that, so if you knew me in real life, you would never hear it from me that way, but since my business partner never stops talking, you'd hear it that way from him. Even then, things will probably have to be delayed about two weeks due to covid19. I've been working from home this past week and weekend. Might continue as such for another week.

    Anyway, let's get to the emo girl

    I know I shouldn't call her 'emo girl' anymore. I did bite the bullet and asked her out, and we did end up going out again about a month after our first friendly hang out. It was an oddly familiar feel. I don't want to give too much detail not to jinx it. Just know that I've taken a step forward with it to see where it goes rather than cutting it off completely. Only issue is the whole planet is on lockdown and will there be a second date date? Should there be? Can there be?

    I don't know. I oddly feel that I did my part, and even though it is almost frustrating, I don't feel much anxiety over it. I mean, besides the given anxiety our obsessive addictive brains produce. That idle anxiety state. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe our relationship will be delayed about two weeks due to covid19, or due to the delay it will fizzle out. I don't know, and even though I'm not fine with that, I'm fine with knowing that I'm not fine with that. Something weirder to think about: over that month I didn't try to date another girl because if I did, then I would be completely over her. I wanted to give her a chance. Regardless of the abundant attention I'm receiving from women on a daily basis on the streets. Even though I was a serial porn watcher (multiple tab business, you know exactly what I mean) I'm not a serial dater. And I still can't help but judge her as if she is mature and motherly enough for potentially taking care of my children while I'm away at work. Anyway, I digress, as usual.

    So because of all these weird emotions (rising business profile, rising interest for a real female, rising mental health) I'm a little taken aback. It feels normal to have things pretty much settling into place. I'm slowly but surely moving towards getting a meeting with my old therapist from my hometown. Something tells me I need to be just a bit more patient.

    So the anger thing hasn't happened this last week, but again, I was really busy at work, so I'll have to check a bit more carefully for confirmed attractions. But at the same time I don't want to, not that I'm worried I will do something to someone but I just don't want to stir things up.
    crink likes this.
  20. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Another two weeks.

    You've been spoken to. You knew this was going to happen didn't you?

    Yes, don’t talk. you don’t need to say anything now.


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