The Thing Here's the thing. I want to know. Are we happy? Are we happy with our lives? Are we getting exactly what we want? But what do we want? Where do we want to be? Who do we want to be? Leave all of that, are we happy with what we have? Can we be happy with what we have? Are we doing things that we are capable of doing the things that will make us happy? Are we capable? I started playing guitar and watching Formula 1 races again. I had stopped both about 15 years ago or so. The mindlessness of guitar playing is really something unique. I couldn't get that with the gym. With the gym it was always the rep numbers, the weight numbers, etc. Not that I couldn't lift, not that I won't go back to it once this virus is under control. But the knowledge of learning to play a chord or a song and that it won't have to go somewhere, that's what made the difference for me. And F1 is such a European sport. It's like 10 percent racing, 90 percent drama. If you care, it's a rabbit hole, if you don't care.. well.. cars look pretty cool. Also, I did not fit in with my hometown. I am not like them. I would introduce two, three separate friends of mine, and I would see that they all get along well, like more than I get along with them. It was clear what had happened to me. I had turned myself into some sort of an immigrant while I was away. It's almost like you couldn't bring a Russian-American back to Russia and say, ok live in Russia from now on (I have a friend who was and all he does is stay at home in Moscow and wait to leave at every chance he gets, Russian women don't make a difference to him, if that is what you are wondering). Not enough guitar playing or formula 1 watching can change the truth. I speak to people here, my age, usually. They ask "why are you back?" And regardless of my response, I can tell, that they think I came back because I couldn't make it, and that I'm a washed-up, a has been, a fake hot-shot, a you name it. Imagine the women thinking the same way about you, oh, then even the hottest kind of women won't make a difference. By the way I don't agree with some here who say just because they left porn now they find ordinary women sexy, that's some bullshit. I still demand women that take care of themselves. Are there hot fat women? There are, but don't get fat because you aren't hot, get a gym membership. I'm seeing all of my Korean female friends, mostly from high school, and how they remained sexy. Hey it's no sin to use plastic surgery if need be. This is turning into a random rant. Ok, ultimately, I don't think we are happy. Can we be? Sure. But I think we have to be proactive about it. For the ones that don't resonate, I think we have to be open to change, I think that's the ultimate road block. My fingertips still feel weird even after 2 months of this guitar playing.