Journal of Bay Age 29

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by baywalker, Oct 30, 2019.

  1. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    The Thing

    Here's the thing.

    I want to know.

    Are we happy? Are we happy with our lives? Are we getting exactly what we want?

    But what do we want?

    Where do we want to be?

    Who do we want to be?

    Leave all of that, are we happy with what we have? Can we be happy with what we have?

    Are we doing things that we are capable of doing the things that will make us happy?

    Are we capable?

    I started playing guitar and watching Formula 1 races again.

    I had stopped both about 15 years ago or so.

    The mindlessness of guitar playing is really something unique. I couldn't get that with the gym.

    With the gym it was always the rep numbers, the weight numbers, etc. Not that I couldn't lift, not that I won't go back to it once this virus is under control.

    But the knowledge of learning to play a chord or a song and that it won't have to go somewhere, that's what made the difference for me.

    And F1 is such a European sport. It's like 10 percent racing, 90 percent drama. If you care, it's a rabbit hole, if you don't care.. well.. cars look pretty cool.

    Also,

    I did not fit in with my hometown.

    I am not like them.

    I would introduce two, three separate friends of mine, and I would see that they all get along well, like more than I get along with them. It was clear what had happened to me.

    I had turned myself into some sort of an immigrant while I was away.

    It's almost like you couldn't bring a Russian-American back to Russia and say, ok live in Russia from now on (I have a friend who was and all he does is stay at home in Moscow and wait to leave at every chance he gets, Russian women don't make a difference to him, if that is what you are wondering).

    Not enough guitar playing or formula 1 watching can change the truth.

    I speak to people here, my age, usually.

    They ask "why are you back?" And regardless of my response, I can tell, that they think I came back because I couldn't make it, and that I'm a washed-up, a has been, a fake hot-shot, a you name it.

    Imagine the women thinking the same way about you, oh, then even the hottest kind of women won't make a difference.

    By the way I don't agree with some here who say just because they left porn now they find ordinary women sexy, that's some bullshit. I still demand women that take care of themselves. Are there hot fat women? There are, but don't get fat because you aren't hot, get a gym membership.

    I'm seeing all of my Korean female friends, mostly from high school, and how they remained sexy. Hey it's no sin to use plastic surgery if need be.

    This is turning into a random rant.

    Ok, ultimately, I don't think we are happy.

    Can we be?

    Sure.

    But I think we have to be proactive about it.

    For the ones that don't resonate, I think we have to be open to change, I think that's the ultimate road block.

    My fingertips still feel weird even after 2 months of this guitar playing.
     
  2. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I know I haven't written in a while, so here it is.

    Here is the kicker, the fact that we don't know anything, and that our minds trying and failing to fix those issues for us creates this addiction to porn. Think of it as a short circuiting of the mind trying to come up with solutions.

    I had so many issues with the last company I worked for, the people I've had met in my past, and everything. Those were unsolved issues that kept bugging my mind to a point of me having to just fap one off to a naked lady video online to save my mind off of going crazy.

    After reading 48 Laws and getting through, I want to say the first couple strategies of war, I can tell you that I've had made all the mistakes in the book. I've had a horrible couple past weeks, I couldn't sleep well, I still can't sleep well I guess, but I can tell you one thing, our problems lie in points where we can't see them.

    They are in our blind spots.

    It wasn't fun to discover I had made so many mistakes in life, starting from being a hot shot very young, and creating envy with even my family members, making my bosses/superiors look stupid because I was so good so I had to show them, choosing the wrong friends and business partners to do work with, all of it.

    But, here is the thing guys and gals, it's better to discover now and work to improve your life from here on out rather than continuously lieing to yourselves.

    With the current awareness I have, I can tell you I am about 5 years behind in life, where I can't prove any reliability at all unless I keep my head down and work for the following 5 years, maybe 4 if I'm lucky. There is no getting around that.

    Learning this was hard, but knowing this is a relief. I don't need porn to calm me down anymore, the truth already calmed me down.

    Try the books, and see where it leads you too.

    Thanks for reading.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Hey man --- It's been a long time since I've been to this board because I've been busy with a lot of upcoming projects, but it's nice to see you on here and I couldn't agree with your last post more. Whatever path you take to recovery, you've got to trudge through that swamp of your past if you want to make it to the other side. I look back and just shake my head now, but we can't cry over spilled milk and all we can do is deal with the present and future. I'm glad you put it at 5 years. I'd say that I probably pissed away 10-12...but regardless...as long as we're on the right track now. And you understand that the only way to keep going is put your head down, bust your ass and stay present. Books played a big role for me which is why I've written several. I know a lot of guys like me and you who are too smart and clever for their own good. Sometimes you need to see something in print to "get it" and be able to process it. I'm glad to read you're doing well and to see that you're at 244 days. These aren't easy times, so I give you extra credit.
     
    baywalker likes this.
  4. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Hey @Joshua Shea , I appreciate the support. Life is weird. It's not hard, or easy, it's something both at each times. It's funny how my posts on here turned more into self-therapy rather than just jotting down my relapses, etc. But I guess through that we find each other.

    I still struggle with reliability. I still catch myself failing to live up to my promises. It's sort of worst now since I can see myself failing consciously, while in the past it would be completely above me. And I still let it go because I can see what is within my control and what isn't. One video I found (funnily enough is by a student of Robert Greene) that really has started helping me. This is all there is. You can't run around spinning your wheels so people will take you seriously, there is no point. There is no point dwelling over that girl from that time when she rejected/ghosted you. There is no point dwelling over other humans you deemed friends who wronged you.

    All you can control is how you play:

     
  5. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    And another important article that helped me with pretty much showing the importance of expecting things to be the way they are.

    Especially if you are brought up in an upper middle class environment where you were pretty much given everything and were raised in a protected environment:

    https://bigfeels.club/read/2019/5/21/why-you-feel-like-a-total-failure
     
  6. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Aand I'm gonna shit on your online content consumption experience once more by commentating on both of these links:

    How do you control how you play?
    First of all, you don't. You don't control your performance. Your performance is the way it is.

    You wanna run faster than Bolt?

    Forget about it.

    That's not the point.

    You control the fact that you play. You control the fact that you procrastinate because you know you suck. Then just go and suck. You won't get fired. Don't worry about it. It's not like you are at your dream job. Seriously, if you are at your dream job right now and still reading this, you should actually call Robert Greene to consult you out of your porn addiction. Leave the rest of us suckers to help eachother who can't afford to do so.

    Here somewhere Seth Godin says "If I fail more than you do, I will win. Because in order to keep failing, you've got to be good enough to keep playing." (I didn't put those 'fail's on bold, I'm not that big of a douche, google did. Google is the douche.) I want to explain the quote a little because initially it sounded pretty patronizing but after hearing Seth talk about it to probably 100 or more people (yes, I have so much free time) I realized what he means is allow yourself the freedom to fail, so that you can allow the process of improvement to begin (or continue I don't mean you have never improved in life). He also rephrases 'good enough to keep playing' as don't bet all your life savings and your only house on one moonshot idea, bet a considerable amount, but bet a realistic amount that you can calculate to continue betting maybe like a couple times so you can keep betting while tracking your improvement.

    That's what you control.

    Your family, your friends, your people that you are attracted to.. You don't control any of them. You can control your behavior to them, and you can control your response to them, but nothing more. This one here only gets tricky if you choose to manipulate them, I have found that it is better not to reach that way since it too will sooner or later create envy and hate later, and when in doubt, always remember the words of the great thinker DJ Khaled:

    "Congratulations, you played yourself."

    How do you not feel like a total failure?
    Hell if I know.

    I think a lot of people managed to reveal a part of it but it's definitely one of the few million dollar questions.

    I think no one absolute answer ever is sufficient for it at all times.

    I think the understanding of expecting what you actually get is one way. Which is super hard, you live on a constant unexpected reality, though most things turn sort of expected, retrospectively at least.

    The article says expect shit to suck shit, though it's a little too dark.

    But one thing comes to mind when I think of it: You know those people who achieve great things, like winning a gold medal in the olympics or something of equivalent? They always say they never expected to come this far? (Though the 80's generation seems to be saying they were expecting it. But come on guys, shut the fuck up about it, please, you are not cool when you say that, and don't ruin it for the tik tok generation. Plus, of course you started to expect some success once you crossed a threshold of progress, you know what I mean.)

    That's the thing. Of course they knew to a certain extent. I remember someone saying somewhere along the lines of: "Do you really believe Einstein didn't think he was going to be Einstein?" Of fucking course he did. That's not the point. He did the work he could control (see above first question), and he expected no real return on his work. He worked, and since his work was better than others who also worked, he became who he was. Another proof he had zero expectations is the fact that he never expected any return from the use of a comb (I really hope someone got that joke, if not, no expectations).

    So then your perspective becomes: you expect to be doing the work, not winning a fucking nobel prize over it.

    (I have another half cooked example on it along the lines of "We weren't floating around until Newton discovered gravity." Anyway, will keep thinking about it.)

    You become someone who expects that life isn't constantly a scene from Entourage (to be honest with you I've never seen Entourage, I just assume that that TV show is constant awesomeness and chicks, I have a feeling I might be right), but it's mostly scenes from Curb Your Enthusiasm (love the show, watch it always), and you know what, if you have any sense of humor, you'll die laughing at your situation, and maybe that proves you were wrong all along, and that your life is not a total failure.
     
  7. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    So it's a saturday night,

    I had a meeting with an engineer friend of mine, with whom we might be doing a project together.

    He tells me about his latest breakup.

    Then he asks me why I'm not dating.

    I tell him I don't understand the local women here, nor do they understand me.

    He says, without even thinking, that I should find an expat.

    Makes sense.

    Maybe I should.

    So it's still a saturday night,

    I walked past maybe a hundred bars tonight.

    Full off people, couples, who you know, will be fucking tonight.

    Is that what I want?

    I finish up my meeting, it's 10pm.

    Not late enough.

    By the time I'm back home it's 11pm.

    Quickly I start to remember that I hate myself.

    I try to work.

    Mathematicaly it's a good time, I'm not tired since I haven't drank.

    Something inside says, just open a tab and watch some people bangin.

    Something else inside says, let's write exactly what we are going through on YBRB.

    So we are here.

    So it's sill a saturday night.
     
  8. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I always had this feeling where it would be this great bang where I would go fuck it and everything would turn my way.

    I always thought that I was holding onto something that I had to let go (it was porn and I was right).

    I always thougth I would go fuck it,

    and things would turn around.

    Instead,

    I awoke into the horrifying realization that life can and will pass by anyone who isn't working hard at it and takes it seriously.

    I awoke into the horrifying realization that certain things don't require you to be great, in fact you can't have them even if you really really worked hard at them.

    I awoke into the horrifying realization that porn wasn't the issue, my scared mind facing up to the truth was.

    It didn't come in a bang, it came in an unsuspecting slow realization. I spent most of my past weeks digesting the hard truth.

    Yesterday I turned 29.

    Whether I like it or not, that number is moving forwards.

    Whoever I blame, even if I'm technically right, time is not stopping.

    There is nothing left but to work at it.

    I still don't blame my past decade. Many undertook this battle and gave up. I haven't.

    Moving from 0 to 1 is one thing, moving from 0 to 1 to 0 then back to 1 is another.
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2020
  9. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    I miss your daily entries since you and I are clearly not on here very often anymore. I hope that you objectively realize that you've got your shit together more than 90% of the people you saw in the bars you walked by. Why? They think they've got their shit together and are too blind to see they don't. There's a certain enlightenment that comes with accepting you have problems and need to deal with them -- or that they aren't important enough.
     

Share This Page