Journal of Bay Age 28

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by baywalker, Oct 30, 2019.

  1. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member


    I read your article. First of all, hope your daughter is well. The article is eye opening. A while ago, I read from Bernie Brillstein that one should actually say "I hope you understand" while explaining behavior. But you said that's an incorrect way to go.

    "This is you trying exonerate yourself of 100% culpability."

    That's very interesting. I actually thought that the reason for apologies were to even out the playing field. But you are right, there can't be justification for any wrongdoing. I guess Bernie was taking advantage of the gullibility of the Hollywood royalty. I don't know, I think so though.

    So the take away is:

    I did wrong, I accept I did wrong. I am sorry. Let's move on.


    What I always loved about the US that non-Americans don't really get is the system that you guys have. It is much clear what the people do and where they spend their time in. I can't even find a golf course close by to my house here. Back in the US I had one close by to my house and one in my college campus. But again, as always, I digress.. I don't want to say lower or higher class, where I don't want the conversation go in an unnecessary direction, I'm genuinely facing this social difference and I literally discovered something very important about myself and how my surroundings respond to me. Nothing more.

    But I have to use a name to differentiate what I'm saying. It is different norms, it is different expectations, it is different world views. And more power to them since they can pretty much find a place for themselves in the economic ecosystem and continue their lives.

    When I started my business with my business partner, who is also from an equal upbringing, we treated everyone the way we treated each other. We had situations where we were almost ripped off, we had situations where we did so much work upfront and it didn't go anywhere, right after we found out the job was given to a completely average competitor. I didn't get it. I was back in Asia when I found out. I was going crazy. I kept calling my business partner to give him feedback on how we should improve and such. But then my biz partner said, 'bro, they were never interested in us. sure, we speak the same language, but we aren't speaking their language. let it go already.' Did I get mad at him after he said that? Sure. Was letting it go making me look like I was decreasing my values and standards? You bet.

    But I did realize that it was true that we were speaking different languages afterall. They were from a complete different world, even though they were rich as fuck and that they could have saved my company thousands of dollars. But that didn't happen. Over time I started to realize it was the majority of the people not just in my hometown but in the world.

    It was the same thing with the girls too. The women in my mindset (who I've ceased to meet after high school) would and did jump through hoops and everything just to get some more of my attention. Why shouldn't they? I had a great potential, I was attractive, socially adept, and young. Well now, I can't blame my kind choosing to go with the richer guys, Imagine me, with so much money (I guess that does come with families of richer levels, though we are not poor, I can't ask my family to buy me a porsche or complete attire from Armani, Burberry, etc, that's not me (who asks family for money) either. Or older guys who are also richer in that way. I don't blame the older guys, they probably didn't get a chance with these girls when they were my age. More power to them.

    I do feel lonely and feel uncomfortable opening my world to these one night stand options. I also don't want to be a one night stand fuckboy (if we were to speak from women's perspective).

    Maybe this loneliness is a part of growing up. Maybe it has more to do with the porn withdrawals.
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2019
  2. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Why You Have To

    It’s because you can. It’s because you have before. It’s because you will again. It’s because you are capable of it. It’s because you are called for it. It’s because you have of all things, the capacity to make it.

    Forget about all things negative.

    They will happen, and they will pass.

    What you are capable of is without a question.

    What you are capable of will be proven.

    That’s not what you need to think about.

    What you have already done, is proof enough. You think it’s not enough, it is. The whole thing is complete.

    You aren’t cornering yourself.

    Don’t think that.

    Ones who say that are trying to take you out.

    This is the world.

    It’s competition.

    Your people are out there.

    I promise you.

    They will prove to you who they are. They will prove to you what they will do for you.

    But you need to lead them.

    This world needs leaders.

    Further leaders.

    Who we are, is defined by who we choose to be.

    Why did we fall into this pit?

    Who knows..

    See that wasn’t a question. I’m not interested why. I’m interested what you will choose to do after this.

    We are a breed that was probably the nicest.

    We are a breed that was probably the one who saved the planet before all this.

    Now it may be our time to go extinct.

    And let’s accept that.

    That’s fine.

    Let us die into it.

    You didn’t know.

    I didn’t know.

    It’s not the 70’s anymore.

    It’s not our time anymore.

    We don’t have to die before we are born too..

    We may have been sent on a leftover remnants of something within our souls.

    Taoists say we are reincarnated until we are completely enlightened.

    Then we get to really die.

    Don’t commit a crime now.

    Don’t commit suicide now.

    You survived this long for a reason.

    Don’t you believe that?

    "There are some sins for which the cleansing in the spiritual realm above (the Halls of Life) does not suffice.

    Thus souls who sinned and have not properly repented while alive are sometimes forced to undergo another round of life in this world as rehabilitation for sins previously committed.

    For the most part, rehabilitation occurs when a soul is faced with the same challenge which it failed in its previous life, and overcomes it. (This is also why one should try to do 'teshuvah' [repentance] even if he knows that he has not done anything very wicked.

    After all, he may have leftovers from a previous life that need fixing.

    In fact, some have the custom to say, “I hereby forgive anyone who angered or hurt me . . . in this incarnation or in another incarnation,” before bedtime prayers at night.)” - Rabbi Yeshaya HaLevi Horowitz
     
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  3. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Must be the weather

    I’m usually calm and collected,

    I don’t worry about a thing.

    Especially if I have my coffee ready.

    And my friends are around.

    We are always good.

    But some days are just the worst.

    Regardless, I got nothing.

    I find myself having to push.

    I don’t want to do anything.

    Must be the withdrawals.

    Must be the people who wronged me.

    Must be the coffee.

    Must be the weather.
     
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  4. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    I always try to read your stuff like a rhyming poem until about the fifth line. Then I remember you're just being artsy.
    Shitty weather, after the holidays, a new year with no promise of anything - only the hope it's not like last year. I think you're supposed to not be feeling it.
    Read some good books. This is the only time I read anything...mostly because I write all day and edit people's stuff and really don't want to read much on my free time.
    Go on a trip somewhere that you can step outside of yourself.
    Buy 10-12 copies of my books. (That's really about me, but it will make you feel great.)
    See all the movies nominated for Golden Globes.
    Find a recipe and cook a meal, even if you never have before.
    Contact someone you have a resentment against and simply say hello and you hope they're doing well and drop the resentment.
    Or just sit there. But while you're sitting there, buy my books :)
     
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  5. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Thanks for the recommendations. Your book is already on my to-read list :)
     
  6. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    If you want to save a few bucks (and it doesn't matter to me because the 98 cents I make per copy doesn't really mean much) the Kindle is supposed to come out this week.
     
  7. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I don't have kindle anyway lol.

    ---

    Overtime some situations happen that we come across porn, or things of that nature. It's interesting how much hidden porn-like shit we have in our day to day lives. To me it feels a little dirty now. It's a bit sad to think of all of those people involved in it. Including the producers. What a painful existence it must be.

    Through further opening in my brain, I'm having more chances to live better. I realize it's not an end all to all my problems. I'm still an unpatient person. I'm still too angry at things. I'm still too compulsive with things. I'm still struggling to think positively. I still think too much, more than I like to. I still regret more than I should.

    However, I know that my brain is clearer. I know that I need to get back to scheduling my time like I used to. I know that I feel better when everything around me is in order. Especially being someone dealing (lightly) with dyslexia. Everything in my brain is all over the place already. This isn't an issue, this is just a realization.
     
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  8. crink

    crink Member

    good to hear your brain is clearer and having more chances to live better. There is a lot of hidden porn in the world, it's surprising how it used to be such a taboo thing not too long ago.
     
  9. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    It's taken me a long time in recovery to realize it, but getting off porn isn't a cure-all for everything. It's a cure for a few things, but you're still basically the same asshole you were before. That's where the cognitive behavioral therapy comes in. I'm probably only 30% nicer, but I think to the people around me, that's a big 30%.
     
  10. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Things are sort of normalizing, and it's becoming easier. Preventing myself not to buy alcohol is the new thing these days. I know I'm substituting it with porn. I don't really know what to do besides that. I already substituted smoking to coffee. And I already drink too much coffee and I know I need to cut down on that.

    Anyway, for now, I'm focused on setting up a daily schedule. I'm about an hour behind everyday, except for my meetings, I try to make sure I'm early to them. So usually lunch or dinner gets sacrificed, oh well, when I eat out I can down my lunch in about 6-7 minutes.

    So why am I writing today? Since I don't write daily anymore.

    Well, one of my colleagues sarcastically brought up something, about my gov't ties, she didn't directly say it but she pretty much implied that my work doesn't matter given the fact that I'm tied with the gov't and that I will succeed since gov't will support me.

    You know, growing up, you always fantasize about you against the world, and how you will defeat competition and rise to the top because you are just that good. Not only do you realize life isn't black and white like that, but also you realize the opposite is also not true.

    I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just couldn't share it with anyone else.

    It's just mean man. It's tough to see your peers disapproving of you. After all that I've done in terms of educating myself, and coming back to my hometown to bring up the people. You come back to save them, only to see, that they are fine the way they are, and they just don't want you. They complain, but they are fine with their complaints, they don't want solutions. Not your solutions nevertheless...
     
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  11. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

  12. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Lately I've been thinking of the darkness inside. It usually comes up when you stop all the bullshit and really start to face yourself, then you realize, even though you were numbing yourself, and shooting yourself on the foot countless times, you weren't blocking the light really.

    The darkness inside remains, regardless.

    I know I’m doing things that will make it impossible to go on.

    I told the emo girl to text me her home location so I'll pick her up for a date. Even though she said ok, texting someone your home address to someone you don't really know is not a thing here, even I know that. Yeah if it was the US it would be a possibility with all security and traffic, but this isn’t the case here.

    I know it’s an impossible promise. I’m trying to fail myself. Even though I didn't initially want to hang out with her, I'm still trying my hand, testing my powers.. And there is this other girl from my social network. I know she is interested, I know she isn't right for me either. I'm afraid I'll find myself testing my powers on her too..

    Same thing with reading books. I know I should be reading and finishing at least two books this weekend, but I’m finding myself work to do to undermine my time. You haven't read that wrong, I literally called my business partner in to do work, so I can waste my free time from developing myself. I shouldn’t be doing this.

    Why am I like this?

    Why won't the darkness leave?
     
  13. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    We fuck it. Unintentionally or not.

    We still do. Roughly does anyone get it. That’s probably why we fall for the unavailable ones.

    My mind is like a spiral, trying to find it’s revolution. My first ever yo-yo was a black wooden one. It was the 90’s, I could have bought a plastic one. I was like nah, I’m cooler than that. My yo-yo never spun, so I never got to learn or practice tricks.

    Who would have known, that after all those years, I’d look back and think of those memories..

    What good does it do anyway..

    I wish my mind was like my yo-yo. But it won’t stop spinning, it won’t roll back up to where it should have gone to, back to me.

    One of my older friends told me he discovered to have reflux. His voice is all fucked, he told me he was on medication but he didn’t know why he was taking them. He knew why he was taking them, he just didn’t want to admit it to himself.

    Knowing him, and an intuition tells me I’ll have those issues couple years later too..

    High cholesterol, reflux, porn addiction.. What else?

    It just sucks to think back to your youth and saying ‘oh we have so much time, we can just do whatever we want until the time comes.’

    Only if.

    Time of our death isn’t here yet, maybe. That doesn’t mean we aren't already. Slowly, but surely.

    I don’t want to regret what I haven’t done.

    It’s not that simple. It’s never that simple.

    I don’t want to regret what I have done too.


    When the fog gets lifted you only see what was there the whole time. At first it’s exciting to know there is no more fog. But then the brain goes “now what, punk? you are still you, with all your issues, desires, flaws, darkness. what are you gonna do now?”

    Be careful what you wish for.

    I know I have to sit down and work on myself. I know I’m perfectly blocking myself from doing it.

    We fuck it. Unintentionally or not.
     
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  14. crink

    crink Member

    This. The fog being lifted doesn't cure all, but this is the scary part. Having to face the person you are underneath it all and making the changes you want to make so that your darkness can be a little more livable so to speak.
    You have come a long way and reading your posts has been inspiring.
    Keep it up. It's alright if you distracted yourself from finishing those books. You know better, so beating yourself up over it isn't gonna help. Just focus on what's to come and what you can do in the now.
     
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  15. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Thanks @crink appreciate the continued support. How lucky we are to have such a platform to be able to support each other.

    ---

    Further Realizations

    They expected me to know all this.

    Why didn’t they appreciate what I already knew?

    Why did they do that?

    Was it me? Did I cause it to them not to appreciate me?

    Or was it me, did I think wrong?

    Now that I’m thinking, on my second arrival to asia, I was going to be promoted to jr. But I lacked the social skills that I’m learning right now.

    My boss invited me to his son’s bday. There was my boss' wife’s younger sister or something. She was like older than she was supposed to be and single. She was hot enough, sort of. What my boss was looking for was someone who had the social skills to create attraction and interest with her and the people around her. Then that was going to be the scene I was going to be presented as the new jr.

    That didn’t happen. I was too in my head. I didn’t know what to do, nor was I ready to handle anything in a small country that I was in.

    If I was a stupid-er person I would have tried to socialize my way out of it, and that would have been the answer. I was too much in my head, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I had analysis paralysis, I knew too much that didn't translate into anything practical.

    Probably I had to compliment, joke around, blah blah, intentionally move things forward with the females, and support respect on men.

    Again, I didn’t do that.

    The problem is once they give you that chance, and you fail it, they don’t really give you another shot. At least in my experience. I guess the social recovery is impossible, because it has been, so far.

    Let’s move on.

    I’m realizing that the same thing happened with my social network here. We have this girl here in the social network, she has recently graduated from college, rich parents, no real professional skills, so she is the sweetheart of the network. Apparently she is interested in me, and the network is banking on the possibility that I will date her. I don't know why. I can see they are trying to make it happen tho. I have already written down my list for the type of women I will date and won’t date. She doesn't pass. Just doesn't. Soon enough I’ll be out from my social network because of the awkwardness it will create in the future. How great.

    To be honest with you, even though I’m not that scared of losing everything, I’m realizing these things in great detail. It’s not going to end well, but to be able to see and understand before they happen, with my capacity, though it’s satisfying, it’s very painful.

    And unchangeable.
     
  16. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

  17. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    You can see it in the mirror

    I can't sleep. I can't wake up.

    You can see it in the mirror.

    From the circles under my soul.

    Yesterday I went to bed at midnight, intentionally refusing to drink before bed. I couldn't wake up before 9.30am. This has been happening daily for the past couple weeks. I've been ignoring it, or been drinking. I know it's going to turn into a problem. I've been drinking too much coffee and relying on it heavily. I know it. Work is still going well. It makes it even more tragic knowing what I'm really dealing with inside. Knowing how much better it could be.

    I was thinking of the glimpses of genius I kept catching and missing. Initially I was afraid that that's all I'll get to have for the rest of my life. It's worth it to give it my shot and see how far I can recover, to see if I can catch things better, or live in it like I used to.

    I can't sleep. I can't wake up.

    You can see it in the mirror.
     
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  18. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    It’s a little better.

    I’ve decided to forgive myself for sleeping 9 to 10 hours a day everyday.

    I woke up energized in a long time this morning. Maybe I needed all that sleep in the past two-three months. Maybe it was porn.

    Maybe it still is. There are still things I can’t wrap my head around. But maybe I don’t need to. I guess my business plan is fine the way it is, given the growth we’ve shown in our 11th month, only that I’m impatient.

    Maybe the world has gone downhill for our generation and we just have to forgive the past. What else is it gonna be anyway?

    I find myself feeling better with more coming to me when I’m appreciative (even though that might be less than expected, always) over complaining for not getting what I want.

    I’m appreciating people who were nice to me more now that I have people being mean to me to my face. I’m forgiving fake people for their weakness to show who they really are. And I’m appreciating myself for having a higher capacity to see further than the average.

    We were trying to find God in the next thumbnail over multiple browsers.

    Now we are finding God outside of thumbnails over multiple browsers.

    It’s all just a little better.
     
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  19. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Alright now.

    For the 90 day mark I've decided to go back into porn intentionally, to see how much the swamp had dried.

    Initially I was afraid to do that, so I thought the best thing to do would have been to do it.

    Back when I was quitting smoking, I had struggled with quitting and it's withdrawals, but I also remember a time when it was stressful and that I had bought a pack, and smoked it. I remember very clearly that I struggled to finish the pack because I wasn't into it as much. I was like no, I bought it and I have to finish it now. I could have thrown the pack away but I didn't.

    But after that stressful time in my life, I never found the need to go back to smoking. I did smoke when I was in Asia once. But that was that, I didn't blame myself for it, I just did it and after that, I didn't associate with being a smoker, so I pretty much let go of it, instead of trying to force myself to do so.

    It is not a lie that I'd struggled with not watching porn, missing it, and wanting to watch it. Luckily I had found that porn was the problem, and I had abstained from it enough to get rid of the brain fog. Once that's gone, really a new world opens up. You can tell if someone is bullshitting you, you can tell what somebody is speaking out in words to what they are actually trying to let you know. Of course, the highs and lows are increased but I think that's the actual state the body and mind should be, it's just that we have been so much in the numb to train ourselves to be in it healthily.

    Anyway, at my 90 day mark (give or take a couple days) I have decided to watch porn, and here is what I discovered:


    - At the initial seconds the brain almost moves in a physical way that you can feel, downwards from the top down.
    - I get instant boner, well, I didn't have a pied issue this time around, but still, much quicker than with a real woman who I'm attracted to (this we'll come back to later)
    - It does feel dirty to see two (or more) people fucking. It's almost like unintentional, or forced, or just wrong. I felt sorry for the camgirls, that this was something they had to do to make money. Probably because of the current state of the economy, camgirl'ing is their best bet in their life. I mean can you imagine how sad that is? Ok, maybe we are all men here, can you imagine if your daughter, or your sister did this? We are lucky to know for a fact that this didn't exist before our lifetime, but how traumatic would that have been to find a younger version of your mother or aunt at a site? I do remember going to a strip club, way back when, and asking the girl why she gave lap dances. She said she was paying her tuition doing this. I never really put two and two together but fuck, that's just miserable and we are lucky as fuck.
    - I found a clearer vision, and saw myself as a guy with a boner looking into a screen, excited, and aroused. I thought it was such a wasted energy, at best I could use this energy on my work and craft, or with a woman I was attracted to.

    What I was and wasn't attracted to:
    I looked back to find that after high school, I never really dated a girl I was genuinely sexually attracted to. I always kept my heart hidden for the screen (porn). Whenever I met a girl hotter than my screen, I pre-rejected her, I didn't pursue her, I thought she would get in the way between me and my screen relationship. By the way I only realized all this after coming back to porn, I had no idea this was actually the case. All the drama I had to deal with both in college, in asia, and back in my hometown was nothing but a facade I created to make myself and people around me feel worthy of the time I was wasting. This is very painful to write.

    As the fire rises:
    I didn't think it would be this painful before starting. Luckily I drank all my beer yesterday night and tonight it's way too cold to go out to buy beer. Anyway, I also refrained from working out or taking care of myself physically, so I wouldn't look more attractive to women around me. I always wondered why I quit gym twice in college. Apparently my brain blocked it from me to put two and two together. Since now I am at least stronger than how I was, I can keep a straight face long enough to protect my space to let these memories flow back to me. Like today, I go to the gym, and one of the personal trainer girls keeps walkign around me "to see if I need help" though she is taller than me she isn't hotter than me, I know she is interested, I think it's good enough of a level to keep a good frienship. I seriously need to remain alone a little longer.

    What makes a phoenix:
    I did reset my counter. I don't know if I will go on abstaining like I used to. I know I will never go back to porn like I used to. After yesterday night, I still woke up with a boner. I still have no brain fog, I still feel horrible and great at the same time, which scares me because I might offend someone unintentionally at unusual times. I have come to terms with the reality that it will happen and I can't do anything about it anymore. Vigilance, only too much. I'm more present than ever, I know I'll get even more present because that's just the way things are going now. Do I still blame my ex from high school? No, I have forgiven her. Do I still blame the emo girl and the girls like her both from my hometown and the west? Yes and no. Not too much. I think they are doing something they are allowed to do today. And seriously, everybody's just trying to be happy. They keep a boyfriend roster while we keep a pornsite roster. Or red pill society says us men too should keep a girlfriend roster since that gets women excited and keeps them on their toes. I did experience that when I kept one of my ex-gf's from asia on her toes. I saw her at her hottest when I pulled that method, which was the last time I saw her. But over all those games, who wins? Nobody, but maybe that doesn't really matter. People like me, the traditionalists,/the conservatives, we could be wrong, maybe it's ok. Maybe that classical humanity we studied and put on pedestal for so long, just doesn't exist. I'm not saying go back to porn because if you did then you couldn't experience what I saw.

    "Quite and experience to live in fear isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams... glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those... moments will be lost... in time... like tears... in rain. Time... to live."
     
  20. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    You're not a conservative...you just wish you were. Conservatives can't write like you have been writing.

    And please, put the red pill rhetoric down. You needn't dance in the land of angry Reddit incels who blame the ladies.

    A planned relapse in interesting...I really just wonder if you're rationalizing and intellectualizing it. Especially since you reset your counter. Why not say screw the counter, you're free! You're cured!

    Most of what you wrote above seems like intellectual justifying BS...but that's just me.
     

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