Journal of Bay Age 28

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by baywalker, Oct 30, 2019.

  1. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Dougan mentions this was inspired by W.B. Yeats poem called "An Irish Airman Foresees His Death"
     
  2. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Scorpion stings itself in a ring of fire.

    You are right, @Thelongwayhome27 , maybe I don't have a right to go that far into it. I didn't have to push ex1 to move to Texas because I thought it was better for her. I didn't have to push ex2 to move to Singapore because I thought it was better for her. They are still not where I hoped them to be. But maybe that says more about me than them. Maybe I'm the one who needs to let go of making people be a certain way, and accept them the way they are.

    Easier said than done, as always.

    @Joshua Shea yeah, they didn't really ask me what to do.. It was unsolicited, and just because I'm open to such feedback, I shouldn't have assumed they would be too.

    One of the girls I blocked over a random argument a couple of months ago had texted me from a social media app that I'd not blocked from yesterday night. It felt like the right thing to video call her (at midnight? yea right, brain you perv), anyway, she diplomatically played ball, picked up the phone with clothes on, I also had clothes on (what the fuck am I saying right now). We chatted, and I realized I also didn't have to judge her and completely erase her from my life. This girl I knew since '05 and you know, women age faster than men, nevermind.. What I'm trying to say is she was the bigger person yesterday night, she was like, 'I'm disappointed in you, I don't hate you, but I'm disappointed.' I was like 'you are right, I was going through things, I still am, it's not another girl, I could have handled our relationship better, but I didn't.' After our chat she texted me saying she is happy we reconnected and she'll sleep fine tonight. I responded with a ass grab gif. She sent back a smiley emoji.. But it's not going to be same.. Our relationship is already corrupted..

    You know, universe comes back at you, it's like 'hey man, you wanna change? clean up the mess you created first you brat (lol @Thelongwayhome27 ).'

    I think it'll be the same thing with the emo girl. I'll meet her, and maybe she is the ideal woman for me, but I'm like nah she has tattoos on her arms, or nah she smokes, or nah she doesn't have double d's or nah she's taller than me, or nah she likes me too much.

    What the fuck? I don't have tattoos but I have the porn addiction tattooed in my brain, she's a smoker, I used to smoke, for 8 years, she doesn't have double d's, I don't have six packs, she is taller than me is not an excuse, I'm not short I'm 5,9, she likes me too much what better thing to know? how the hell is that an excuse?

    (Let me blame someone else over this) I think it's my hometown man.. We are.. the most entitled people on the planet.. Just because of our riches we think we deserve it.. just because of our comfort we think we are entitled to it.. In Vietnam, you'd order a cup of tea, they would pour the tea in a thin plastic bag, stick a plastic straw on it and tie it. Giving you an actual cup, washing that cup, and then serving that cup again was a luxury for them. How we take things for granted.. How I took people close to me for granted..

    Seth Godin wrote, in Linchpin, page 106 under the title The Daemon (the voice) and the Resistance, and I'm paraphrasing, that resistance is the anxiety in the brain that constantly rationalizes why one shouldn't do something they are planning to do, and daemon is the source of love, connection and kindness, it's what shows creative ways to do something.

    He had a passage where he explained how to tell if it's resistance vs the daemon (the voice) but I can't find it right now. But from what I'm writing, I can see it's the resistance trying to put me in a box and not be open. Yeah, the voice is saying no to something, I don't know what aspect of about this girl just yet.

    ..

    or maybe..

    the voice is only saying..

    don't judge her.
     
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  3. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    You're in Dubai?
     
  4. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    No. That was a super specific guess lol.

    From high school to end of college I was in the U.S.

    When I said hometown I meant 'a western civilized city, full of entitled people' I don't want to specify where I was in the U.S. nor where I was born. It's not gonna help you in understanding where I'm coming from mentally.

    But I'm interested to know why you thought I was in Dubai.
     
  5. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Imagine every person walking around, most with more money than you could ever fathom, with a sense of entitlement that would make the Kardashians blush. I was only there a few days and while its a beautiful city with amazing architecture, the culture is just fucking weird. It's like the worst of Instagram come to life. You also mentioned Vietnam in the next sentence, so I thought we may be talking international and based on my travels, nothing has ever come close to Dubai. I mean, its almost so over the top that it's like a cartoon. Paris, Los Angeles and Miami are three others that spring to mind when entitled is mentioned.
     
  6. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I see what you mean. Let's say, latter cities you guessed of are more like it.

    Also, I did get my blood test results.

    My TSH is 1.2 mU/mL the report says its fine.

    In addition, Vitamin D and Phosphorus deficiency. That's probably because of the fall season.

    Cholesterol is 225 mg/dL the report says risk of cardiovascular disease. Already at 28? I guess all the large pepperoni I downed during college decided to catch up with me.
     
  7. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    We have almost the same blood pathology. Between October and April, I take a Vitamin D supplement and was found to have high cholesterol when I did a screening in high school. With everything else wrong in the buffet of mental health, I've not paid close enough attention to the heart stuff, which will probably come at my peril since heart disease runs in the family. And I should add, if you can ever visit Dubai, do it. It's insane. And I love Los Angeles. I never need to do Paris or Miami again, and with my issues with the law, international travel probably isn't happening the rest of my life anyway.
     
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  8. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Heart is a real issue in my family too. The men in my family don't have very high life spans which is scary. I cut out fast food (micky d's and pizzas) to once a month, so I get to order as much as I want for one sitting for only one meal, then I have to wait till the 1st of the next month. I'm going to sign up to a gym in the end of the month before they raise their prices again. I was chatting with a 50 year old lady at work today, she said I look too young for my age, but sound much older than my age (both my voice pitch and the shit I say), I can't remember the exact word she used but it was something along the lines of my body is underdeveloped muscle-wise. Now, I do wanna have children, but there is something about these women that are 40+.. nevermind, I digress..

    I've had a revelation earlier today, because of work I couldn't write at my usual posting time.

    So here we go:

    I was thinking of the emo girl, I actually couldn't help myself but texted her on Tuesday, and asked her out for Wednesday lunch, she said she was busy but she could drop by after meeting her friends later at night. I said no, let's meet the day after (there was something I couldn't understand about myself at that moment), she said fine. Then I remembered I have shit ton of meetings and busy day at work that day (which is today), I texted her again, said I'm too busy, just remembered my meeting, let me text you again. Of course, she went, no worries, whenever I want we can meet.

    So I was going back and forth about it. I did some Socrates re-visitations, on the daemon, on the voice saying no, and if I'm trying to lie to myself.

    Then something happened.

    I stopped and said, "I can meet her if I want, but I can't tell her anything that's not true."

    So pretty much, I have to go "hey, I have nothing to do with you, I'm only meeting you because I'm horny."

    Then I went 'woah! I can't fucking say that!'

    Then I realized that I'm already beyond 'one night stand'ing. Staying in and relaxing is a much healthier option than going out and figuring out a way to get my dick wet.

    Therefore if I'm not seriously screening the women I'm spending time with, then I'm just repeating what I did back in Asia. Being a fuckboy. And wasting time.

    And you know what's scary? It's not the possibility that she'll go "Ew get away from me perv." It's that she'll go "Fuck yea dude, that's what I'm here for too."

    And that, my friends, will be the proof that our generation has fucked it for our species. That, will be one thing I won't be able to digest.
     
  9. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Yeah dude, you can't fucking say that. Rigorous honesty mean rigorous honesty with yourself, not that you start making the world think you have Aspergers.
    Friends with benefits has been happening since caveman times. Our generation is no more fucked up than any other. We're just fucked up over different things like technology vs. the plague.
    If you're not down for FWB, don't be. If you are, don't deny it. Be honest with yourself.
    It's seems like whatever is eating at you goes beyond porn and has a larger umbrella over sexual shame in general. You seem to have a moralistic ideal of what you want to be, but it conflicts with physical urges, leaving you confused and exhausted. Am I in the right ballpark here?
     
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  10. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    The short answer to that question is "I don't know."

    But it makes sense. In regards of sexual shame, let me come clean on what this emo girl kept reminding me of, that I've been hiding away..

    I dated a girl from the same friend group of this emo girl, about 11 years ago. I only dated her (this other girl) because I knew she had a crush on me. I used her. Then when I went back to the U.S. I just blocked her. I didn't even care. That girl was hospitalized because of it. The girl's mother called me, she said "you know what you did to my daughter." I responded with something along the lines of "well, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do." I even remember telling a guy friend of mine during those times that I was testing my powers on girls.

    And, I remember that, the emo girl has an older sister (the older sister is around my age), she had a crush on me too, around 2008. Emo girl was too young to understand those feelings back then. But that older sister was so nice and homely that I remember intentionally deciding not to play her. Emo girl probably doesn't know about any of these things. Because if I was in her shoes and I knew, I would never date me...
     
  11. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Way up here.

    If I in anyway, decided to connect, would it all be fixed?
    I, feel lonelier than ever.
    It's like the universe is telling me that I'm not allowed to feel fake surrounded.

    Earn your world!

    It tells me.

    Then earn your word.

    Here I am.
    The way I exactly am. I'm not drinking, I'm not watching porn. Hell, I left my computer at the office. I'm only dealing with me.
    Here I am.

    Alan Watts said "The person who is constantly anxious is the person who is resisting the flip-floppability of things."

    When life goes flip or flop, its just leading towards new, further life, not disaster. When you get that, then begin something anew, and it goes flip, you can have a laugh because you know there is no out (paraphrased from Watts).

    So where does that lead us?
    So where does that leave us?

    The universe wants me to feel through this.
    In order to walk with God, I have to be alone, at least for the time being, at least, just for now. I just need to learn to enjoy the current flip. So I can understand the importance of appreciating the moment,

    which is all we really have.
     
  12. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    It all feels half-assed doesn't it? The whole past. The whole foundation I've built my life on.

    I keep going back to the same old places, trying to explain the truth to old friends, to people of the past, and you know, they will all feel betrayed, won't they?

    I've seen a lot of heroes who've come clean to be reborn.

    Like a phoenix.

    I've met some, but I still can't prove the theory. I still fear speaking the truth. But I know that's the only way to recover. Remembering my exes, my mistakes, my wrong doings, then remembering more, only to realize more is still coming..

    For this, let's blame it on puberty.

    For now, let's blame it on puberty.
     
  13. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    I can empathise and understand this is stressful for you and youre doing your best to just figure out what the best way to be is.....

    When I say radical self acceptance, here are some examples of that in practical action for a hypothetical person.

    - I want to accept myself, but I just sincerely cannot. I accept and own the fact that I wont accept myself despite the intention to (this is self love)

    - I want to love the other unconditionaly, and I am confused with what that means I strive to know the answer. I accept I am pressuring myself to know the answer but I dont (self love)

    - I acknowledge I hate myself. I shouldnt and want to love myself but thats bullshit. I am disgusted and I accept that is what is going on for me (self love).

    Self love can be defined here as RADICAL, extending unbelievable measures to OWN and not dismiss what is going on internally for you.

    So!....That even means, the craving for porn, dont dismiss the craving! Dont blindly engage in masturbation, but, have warmth and acceptance for what is going on internally.

    Accept and welcome and be warm to every thought of yours that comes. Im not saying to act on the thought. But welcome and understand the thought.

    As for radical self acceptance of other people......I dont know the answer.
     
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  14. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    If i can say it another way, self love means so real and authentic and genuine with yourself (not other people. Only yourself. Dont worry of others. Be real with yourself).

    If you feel irritated, you can
    1. Pretend you are not irritated (this is called abusing who you are)

    2. Really 'sit and straddle' with the irritation. It is YOUR irritaion. Honour it and treat your irritation as your unique value of experience.

    It doesnt mean you have to act irritaed and punch others. But it does mean walking around with no mask on. Honour how you feel and in a sense give it the attention is deserves.

    Same when you feel joy. For many and myself, i get bogged with joy and being with joy more than other feelings. I am scared to authentically be with joy.

    You wouldnt think it?

    Self love means "be" and "welcome" whats going on for you.

    There is zero space for lying to yourself in this. Dont worry about the ethics of lying to other people and all that stuff......just refuse to bullshit yourself at all.

    And never be in a hurry to dismiss what you feel. Dont abuse who you are, be with it properly.

    I will write an entire post on this later tonight or tomorrow. I want to help you and helo clarify this more myself as well.
     
  15. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Here's another thing to remember that took me a very long time in recovery to come to terms with, and I still wrestle a bit with today.
    While the PMO stuff is a stake in the ground, by which you are pivoting your life toward change, it is not a strict Before/After line for anything other than the PMO activity itself. I made the error of dismissing everything that may have led or contributed to my alcoholism and porn addiction as bad, and for some reason, thought that the "new" me would be a brand new level of goodness. The reality is, at our core, I think we're only capable of about 25% change, and that's OK. My personality has certainly softened, but I can still be quite abrasive. I have the same likes and dislikes as before when it comes to trivial things like movies, music or food.
    I've also come to realize that while running a magazine and being a local politician hugely contributed to my eventual rock bottom, they, in and of themselves, were not bad things. I just couldn't handle it and create a balance, but that magazine told a lot of great stories of the community and helped raise awareness and money for many important causes. While the City Council was boring, I helped shape the direction of the city I live in - for the better - and made decisions on budgets and capital projects that provided jobs and opportunities. Those aren't bad things.
    Like @Johhny Bravo said, you've got to be true to yourself. You're always going to have things you want to improve about yourself and you're always going to doubt you're doing the right thing. Questioning your decisions is very healthy. The day you stop questioning your decisions -- you're probably making the wrong ones.
    Don't beat yourself up about stumbling and changing moods. You're going through a tough process, but it doesn't have to happen overnight. When you look in the mirror, don't see somebody who isn't there. Don't see somebody doing better than he is, but don't see somebody doing worse. Only you can ever truly know yourself and not knowing yourself can make life a lot more arduous task than it already is.
    Merry Christmas, my friend.
     
  16. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Thanks for dropping by @Johhny Bravo so you mean do not resist what is.. Almost like a far eastern discipline. It feels like the mind going towards rejection and self denial are certain mental tics wouldn't you say? Of course it's tough to destroy tics. But we could remain conscious enough to catch ourselves before a tic is triggered. Not easy, but not impossible.

    Especially after dealing with a mind that's not being sedated anymore, it's seeming to become more and more urgent that I sit down and understand what it is that I am dealing with. I guess when you say the 'you' that you need to know is the mind, that creates those series of likes, dislikes, activities that form a personality. With all this, I almost get it, then it goes into a galaxy of abstraction.

    Merry Christmas big brother, hope all will be well with prosperity.
     
  17. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    One more thing:

    Regret.


    As the brain comes to, it flashes back to memories deep hidden under. Causes of great shame, events of irreversible damage. I never say "I should have done this or that." I have always made choices seeming to be mistakes that led to great things.

    Well, at least until '09, which is when I got really caught by porn in my opinion.

    Anyway, I still believe. No, the truth is I have so little belief left that I'm afraid I will lose what's left too. I accept that that's the case for me right now.

    I do understand it will be a longer path than I've initially prepared for.

    I know that coming from a spoiled upbringing, I can't easily have compassion, unless.. Unless I feel this real regret. This may be God's plan for me.
     
  18. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Don't feel regret about your upbringing. Some people win the DNA lottery and some lose. It doesn't make you a better or worse person. You shouldn't feel shame or regret if you received a few more opportunities than other people. You got lucky. Be grateful instead of regretful. I blew my life savings on the first rehab I went to and my parents helped pay for a good chunk of my second rehab. I know most people a) don't have the kind of money socked away that I did and b) don't have my parents' money. Thank God we did because I don't know what my recovery track would have been and thus far, this one is successful. I wish everyone else had access to the same resources I did, but I'm not going to flog myself or feel bad over the fact I'm one of the lucky ones. I've hardly been able to recoup the money I spent on that first rehab. I'm not salty about it. Life is what it is and it deals you a lot of cards you have no control over. Try to be grateful for those cards and not compare them, for better or worse, to the cards others were dealt. Help those less fortunate when you can, but don't feel shame you're not one of them.

    As far as regret, shame, etc. over the poor choices you've made, especially those that have an effect on others, you can always apologize. The 12 Steppers call it making amends, but they don't really teach how to do it correctly. I took two sessions of a class at my second rehab to properly learn how to apologize to people. I can share that info if you desire.

    You can't change the past, so don't waste too much energy on regret. The only thing you should regret about your past is if you have an inability to learn from it. We all make mistakes because we're all human. And we all catastrophize those mistakes because they happened to us, personally. This is where you have to exercise that muscle of logic. You know you can't change the past. You know you have control over the present and you know that you can create conditions that may lead to a positive future -- nobody knows when a meteor will hit their house, you can't prepare for that. You're given just so much brainpower and so much energy. Don't forget your past, but don't devote too many important resources to wallowing in it. If you don't have "belief" left, that's fine. Work in truth. You don't have to believe the truth because the truth is in front of you.
     
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  19. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Gratuity

    I'm grateful that I have support. But the feeling of looking around me and realizing this whole thing was just the way it was and I was wrong the whole time.

    Hurts man.

    And then I was thinking of the emo girl. She's not even an emo girl, she is a village girl who thinks she is emo.. She should be jumping through hoops and shit and everything for me and chasing me like crazy. But no, she doesn't. Because she is interested in a village boy who thinks he is a city guy (or an emo too I guess, I don't know). When she meets me she isn't that interested, why? She doesn't make the connection.. This whole thing was the same with my ex girlfriends from asia. Just, villagers, who think they are more, trying to hunt other villagers who also think they are more.. And I thought something was wrong with me.. I was just playing to the wrong crowd this whole time.

    Disclaimer to the first world: So, in the second world, we do have to deal with a person being a villager or not. Since my family, surrounding and me aren't from the village. And the funny thing is I've been getting all my knowledge and reference from the US, and things weren't clicking until now.

    I was going to ask about this until now. I know now, that I have nothing to apologize for these people. They had the intelligence and option to clear the air and make things right when they could, before letting me pull the trigger on our relationship with them.

    I'm not sorry anymore.

    This post wasn't written to spite the ones who wronged me. I'm not going to take revenge either.

    Just delete,

    swipe,

    move on..
     
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  20. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    I actually decided it was a pretty good topic to write an article about, which I did on my website yesterday, so you can read how to give a proper apology here:
    https://recoveringpornaddict.com/2019/12/27/do-you-know-how-to-properly-say-sorry/

    I can't say for sure, but I think outside of the US, the caste/class system when it comes to socioeconomics is even more rigid than it is here, so people who might be reading what you're saying and taking it as: "He's think's he's too good for village emo girl" what I assume you're actually saying is that you're really from two different worlds with two different sets of values, norms, expectations, etc. Before getting married, I never really dated out of my league upward, but I did fall for a girl who was from a much lower socio-economic background than me who had experienced a much, much tougher life than me. We were hot and heavy for about 4 months, then it cooled for about 2 months and we eventually broke up. Her next boyfriend who was not long out of prison got her pregnant at 23 and left, almost the same thing that happened to her sister. That was just normal life for her. I believe that she got a look at a different life she could have had with me and couldn't see herself adjusting. It does it make either of our lives wrong, just different. I would never have want to live the life she had and, apparently, vice versa. She's now been married twice and has a couple kids with different fathers. Again, it's just the way things go in the world she comes from. Opposites may attract, but they don't last.

    As I've said before, you only have to get it right once, and you're still young.
     

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