Journal of Bay Age 28

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by baywalker, Oct 30, 2019.

  1. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Nope, it's not at all like smoking. I've yet to be on a podcast, radio show or make any appearance talking about porn addiction and have anybody relate it to smoking addiction.
    You can find healthier ways to number your brain. May addicts never lose that addict brain, they just channel it toward healthy stuff like running. If you have a naturally addictive brain and you can't rewire it, you'll have to learn how to cope with it.
    Lakaf likes this.
  2. Lakaf

    Lakaf Active Member

    Yeah !
  3. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Healthier ways.

    I've been pondering on that for a while. Yesterday night I went to a toastmasters event, hoping that it could be a good activity for me to meet people and find a new friend group. I realized that everyone I hang out with are involved in my business and that's no good way to go. You can sense it, whatever happens, it gets written down on the power scale. Two of my good friends have found jobs and moved to Europe. That's how you find yourself lonely I guess. Maybe it's a good sign, a good opportunity, I don't know.

    Toastmasters event had some good people but it wasn't for me. It felt like a university level speech class. I left at the coffee break. I've already seen too much in my life to join a regular group. Goddamnit Mustapha Mond, what have we done to ourselves?

    I've been sweating at night every night. I used to change two shirts because I'd wake up completely soaked. Not soaked down there that's not what I'm talking about. Anyway, yesterday night I only changed my shirt once, so, improvement?

    If I meet a girl, I will lose my balance. But there is a girl I really want to meet. And isn't that why I shouldn't meet her? But how do you know what's right?

    Just writing this I remembered giving advice to @crink saying 'hey man just go and meet her for a coffee if she is interested in you, only expect to grab coffee and leave. Don't put too much effor on it and work on making a friend.'

    So am I a hypocrite? No, I'm just afraid.

    I'll finish with the quote I gave to Crink so I'm really turning the advice on me:

    "Modern men don't see God because they don't look low enough." ~ C.G. Jung.

    Look lower
    no, lower
    Right about here, is where you will find God.
    Joshua Shea likes this.
  4. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Jesus...a Brave New World reference. You're swimming in the deep end of the pool now, son. Sometimes you have to give advice before you can take it. I'm cool on the porn stuff now, but I can also tell you be careful of caffeine --- as I suck down my third iced coffee of the day. Do as I say, not as I do.

    Go meet the girl. She's either the one or she's not. Here's the great thing about only have to get it right once. Some people do that in high school and some people don't until they're 50. Don't sweat it. I think we learn a lot about ourselves even in the relationships that don't work out. It's an important process. Going on dates also makes you better and more relaxed at going on dates. She's not going to put a gun to your head if it doesn't go well. Meet this girl. That's step one. Don't get your undies in a knot yet.

    I don't know if I've asked you this yet, but have you gone to the doctor to simply do a routine blood panel? I've known people who have had simple things like their thyroid levels slightly off and that will cause a ton of issues. It's always smart to rule out the physical stuff, because that's actually the easiest stuff to deal with.

    I used to watch a Toastmasters public access show when I was in my 20s. It was on really late like on a Tuesday night and my friends and I would prank phone call them. Of course we'd been drinking. I haven't thought about that in years. Sometimes I really miss those days of leaning into being an asshole.
  5. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I have met the girl. She is not the one. A smoker with too much of an emo artsy style. I would have dated her in high school just to see her tits. Uh, it sounds a little lame hearing that coming from me. Anyway, I'm more of a preppy guy.

    It was interesting how I felt excited like a little boy before the date. I was thinking to myself 'wtf man? this emotion is waay below my standards.' Because you know, gotta keep it cool like Bilzerian. But then I realized, this is what I gotta go through, gotta feel it off man.

    I met an older friend earlier today to speak to him about feeling lonely and not having any friends. He said it's a good idea to give yourself small goals and try to reach them, it will make life easier to live while you are going through things. I didn't tell him about my pmo situation, I kinda made it sound like I'm "growing" up. Well, I guess that's true from a certain point of view.

    I don't know. I'm trying to be more understanding of people around me. I will be more understanding of this girl too, she doesn't have to be the one, she can just be a friend.

    I can live with that.
  6. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    It's cool to own who you were in high school. Better to know where you came from then make up a story of being someone else. The worst thing about smokers are the way their hands smell.

    It's good you were excited. Imagine...adrenaline coming from a natural source. It's like drinking from the spring.

    She doesn't have to be the one, you're correct. But don't disqualify her because you don't hear wedding bells. While you're still figuring things out, Miss Right Now can be just as beneficial as Miss Right.

    You sound like you're slowly getting your shit together and that's the only way that it maintains. Nobody changes overnight. When I appear on a podcast or do a presentation about porn addiction and somebody asks, "So are you cured?" I always respond with, "Cured from what? Being an asshole? I'm going to be working on that my entire life."
    baywalker likes this.
  7. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Totally. Looking back, it's a good thing to know I can still feel when the circumstances are correct.

    Yeah, I didn't lose my balance too much after the date. We'll see then, no expectations.

    Thanks, good to hear that coming from you @Joshua Shea . It's a lot about coming to terms with myself really. The more you recover, the more you remember, the more you grieve, the more you feel, the more you forgive- as you heal..
  8. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    You're doing well young Skywalker...Baywalker...whatever.
  9. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    How the tables turn.

    I've had lived with great agony in the past couple of days. Including everything makes it heavier. But you become heavier, carrying your burden, you become decorated, with your pain.

    It's not much the truth we deal with, it's the expectations that break us. I've experienced a different reality acting like agony was non-existent, the world came to me. There was a business plan I was trying to create, it was partially a dream, but then people started to come out of the clear blue sky literally repeating what I think, verbalizing it in a better way. Telling me ways it can happen. Coming from such positions and perspectives, things could actually happen. It felt great talking about ideas again. It made me feel more like a philosopher, than a businessman.

    Where were they this whole time I was struggling to put together something? Well, here's when you say "they were waiting for you to be ready for them, young padawan."

    Or maybe they existed the whole time, and I didn't see them.

    But one thing I genuinely believe is that life is like the flowers, and we are like the bees pollinating them while we look for honey (as I write this, I am realizing it's the worst fucking example for a non-PMO forum, well, we are already in too deep now), we don't know if we are pollinating them, or if they are pollinating us. All that I know is there are flowers out on my front yard, and honey in my fridge.

    So I guess I'm trying to say nature works, as long as we can be patient while the tables complete their turn.
  10. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    There is something worse than death, and that is the death of your soul.

    Worse than that would be understanding that.

    Worse than that would be facing that.

    Worse than that would be hoping that

    you could, if ever, find a way to restore it.

    My language isn't enough to explain these feelings. I don't know how you did it Plato..
  11. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    On a physical aspect, I woke up better today. It seems like porn is starting to let me go.

    One thing that's worrying is when people ask how I am doing and I tell them, they take it somehow that I'm not doing well and they try to help me out, and connect me to other people. I don't reject it, since it's always a good thing to know more people, it's just odd, I must be coming off not the way I expect to.
  12. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Wow, 57 days without porn.

    I could have waited till 60 to make it more rounded, but it feels like I'd be less impressed 3 days later.

    So, it was without porn but it wasn't without me looking at girls' asses, tits, legs out on the street, or on my computer. Wantingly, or unwantingly. All I can say is, if it's real life, I can say, 'well, if you do it, you will feel shame, stare at your own risk' and it helps. Because I do feel real shame when I look. And maybe it should be, or maybe if I didn't feel shame then I'd go on doing it. Or maybe I didn't feel shame when I was younger.

    I feel better, as I said, but I also feel odd. The voice told me that I should leave all of the girls that are in my life. It feels like they'll all work against the balance I'm trying to create. It's tough because a complete man can live, and can fuck without losing his balance. It makes sense, but I can't do that right now. Even though I really want to, I feel that my desire to text the emo girl has a lot to do with my horniness than me really caring about her as a human being.

    Here's the kicker, you might say it's ok to have one night stands. But the problem is I knew this girl since 2008. Let me just say she grew up differently than I thought. Knowingly, if I go on, and use all of these 'skills' I acquired, I will feel even worst. Even if I fucked her.

    Just this morning I saw a trailer called 'Promising Young Woman.' Check it out before spoilers.


    Cool, spoilers on the trailer from here on:

    It tells the story of a woman who acts drunk at night clubs and lets guys take her home and fuck her while she is drunk. I think the trailer suggests that she always catches the guys redhanded and she has like a notebook where she marks all of the guys who tried to take advantage of her. The guys go "but I'm a good guy" then she goes "are you?" And then one day she meets the right guy, remembers her dreams, blah blah blah.

    So I was that guy who took advantage of her. I didn't really get caught redhanded like they suggest in the trailer. Plus it was never that way bordering on rape. It was usually me taking a girl out, she getting too drunk, and things happening in between that night and the morning. Would I be a better person if I hadn't done things like that? Am I not a good guy anymore?

    I watched some youtube videos on being highly sensitive and being able to foresee things better than others. I can tell that the emo girl is going to take a liking to me a little more than I ever will, then everything that we'd have done together will be my fault for using her.

    You might say I'm overthinking things, but I have some things I'm finding hard to resolve inside. Because my relationships are similar with most people, I always foresee more than they can, but I let them kind of go around, lose time (in my opinion) and find their way instead of me pushing them to do the right thing. Since I won't go around with them and lose time, they will usually leave and find another friend to get lost. Maybe they are of equal intelligence levels.

    But that's how you find yourself alone.

    57 days without porn, it's more like 57 days without my best friend...
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  13. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @baywalker I have so much to say but am just brain fried from promoting this book everyday for the last week. You're not overthinking things...I'll add more in a day or two. I think you're doing well.
  14. crink

    crink Member

    congrats Bay!

    57 days without your best friend but that "best friend" is someone who was not looking out for your best interest.

    "Because my relationships are similar with most people, I always foresee more than they can, but I let them kind of go around, lose time (in my opinion) and find their way instead of me pushing them to do the right thing. Since I won't go around with them and lose time, they will usually leave and find another friend to get lost. Maybe they are of equal intelligence levels."

    I'm curious if you could unpack this more. I'm not quite following you, and it seems important.
  15. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Thanks @Joshua Shea , and hope all is well with the book promotions.

    Thanks @crink , and sure, let's talk.

    Pain doesn't to it to you, but hopelessness does.

    I have friends, like everybody, I don't have a Steve Jobs or Ernest Hemingway friend circle full of geniuses. I do have smart friends, I'd like to think they all are, at least to a certain extent.

    You know what's believed with foresight, in order to foresee what might happen in the future, to do this, the brain takes on stress, and you are given foresight at the expense of a bit of your lifespan, or sanity, I can look up a source, but you'll probably find something similar if you looked it up.

    The best way to practice foresight is working under very stressful conditions, for the sake of these conditions being stressful, this job will be probably high risk high reward. This could be done at any given job, by taking further responsibility. Once you practice this you will find there isn't more to your job, I guess, unless you are an astronaut. So the solution can become going out into the unknown, that for me was going out to Southeast Asia. I couldn't explain in words how stressful it was when I bought my one way ticket to Ho Chi Minh City, nor could I explain how much it increased when I stopped at a layover.

    At that point your best justification is, "I know I'm right, I need to do this, because I need to prove the ones who doubted me wrong."

    Nobody owes you anything in the outside world. Even the government of a Southeast Asian country owes you anything. If you choose to (because no one is ever forced to, unless they have a chip on their shoulder like I did), you can stick it out over there, to become more successful, or just figuring out a way to adapt is success at that point. And after you've stuck it out, your capacity for foresight ends up increasing so much more than a housecat (a person who've lived in a civilized country all their lives, rich or poor).

    So when I moved back to my hometown, I was surrounded by housecats, entitled housecats. When you see that, you end up seeing the matrix of sorts. You can see through their clutches, their fears, their lies, their intentions. You end up knowing if they say something that they'll do, if they'll do it or not. Or you'll see them hear an advice from multiple different people and not taking it in for as long as 3-4 months. They'll hear the advice, and they'll do the opposite with a stupid reasoning, and maybe they'll ask you to join them in doing the wrong thing. Like mathematically you are the same age with these people, but in reality you are almost a lifetime older in experience..

    I tried both ways. I scolded the fuck out of one of my friends for making mistakes (they are still pretty much ruining their lives), what did they do? They cut their ties with me. Whenever I call them or text them they say they are too busy to meet, or talk, or whatever. One of my friends' father picked up the phone when I called.. I mean what the fuck?

    Anyway, then I've decided to prefer the opposite. Whenever my friends tell me their mistaken plans, I listen to them and go 'uh huh, interesting, let's see what happens.' I haven't been surprised by it yet, usually I've experienced that they have to either go through their mistaken plan, fail, learn from it and move on to align with my advice, or completely give up their plans, then that says more about their discipline rather than their planning capacities.

    So when they realize I'm not helping them out with their mistaken plan, they will cease contact too. So if I scold I'll be alone, and if I let them go I'll be alone.

    This doesn't hurt me anymore. I'm old enough to understand things the way they are.

    But I am getting slowly, but surely, disheartened.
  16. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

  17. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member


    I did not want to write today.

    I postponed the cleaning lady to come in next Sunday too.

    All I wanted to do today was to watch Butch Cassidy and Sundance kid all day and do nothing else. Or at least once. Turns out I only have the commentary version of it.

    That plan goes down the drain.

    I wanted to drink yesterday. Poured some gin, then I remembered probably this drinking is connected to my addiction.

    That too went down the drain.

    I want to talk about my past two relationships.

    They were both ok, pretty enough girls, interesting enough girls.

    With both of them at one point, I remember telling them that whatever they are doing is wrong, kind of similarly to what I spoke about on my prior posts. Coming to think about it, probably that's why I've had a falling out with both of them. Following is something I've recently discovered: When you tell someone what they are doing wrong, if they hadn't asked you to give you feedback on what they are doing right or wrong, they take it in the wrong way. So far it also has been an irreversible damage on relationships. With me I always took others' feedback, that's probably why I'm here. I'm open for every suggestion, I'll take it, I'll try it out. Sometimes it'll work and I'll add it to my arsenal, sometimes it won't work and I'll learn. But with the ordinary people out there, they don't think 'oh, this person knows me, they are trying to help me' no, they think 'oh, this person thinks I'm not good enough, well fuck him, he is also not good enough. next!' well, at least to a certain extent.

    So here is where I start to question if I should be just accepting people unconditionally? But what does that even mean? How is that even possible?

    I don't accept myself unconditionally, unless I remain within a certain standard, I don't deserve the acceptance.

    I remember reading @Johhny Bravo 's post on radical self love.

    It is under success stories.

    Here's a quote from him:

    'If you can decide to love and accept yourself-as you are, porn and all- and genuinely be open to and soothe yourself and nourish yourself regardless of what you do or don't do......then my friend, in the eyes of me and yourself, you have already succeeded.'

    This maybe why I can't get out of my own self. This maybe why I pre-rejected the kickbox girl and the emo girl. You know, given the fact that if you self love unconditionally then you'll love others unconditionally, then am I to love the anti feminine kickbox girl or the emo girl just because?

    I know we attract who we are. It kinda sucks to see what I attract now is the non-feminine type. I can come to terms with that. But I can't love that.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I've been thinking a lot lately about self acceptance versus the drive for self improvement. And this equation can apply both in our relationship to ourselves as with others.

    I would suppose accepting someone is about not judging him/her "deeply" (as if we would be God). But it doesn't mean we should not look at them objectively and abandon knowledge and understanding. I can say this kid is a brat without judging his core. I can say he's a brat and kind of feel bad for him (in a sincere way). So it's about understanding, not judging. How ideal this is, and attainable in practice, I do not know.

    See I can try to understand myself (see my strengths and my weaknesses for what they are) but not cast judgement on myself (good or bad). Just like if I look at nature, I will try to understand it, but not put myself above it and say the wolf is good or bad when he eats his prey. Or the cow is dumb or lame when it just stays and eats the grass. I can and should try to understand it - but why should I judge it ?

    In other words, maybe we can look at others, understand them as they are but try not to judge them excessively.

    Maybe you have certain troubles in your relationships because you judge them more then necessary ? In the sense that you apply judgment to a part where they have no actual possibility of change ?

    These are just some thoughts and I may be wrong. But they are suggestions. And I resonate with your interrogations. Though I don't have the same problem as you - see my problem is that I am too submissive with others instead of too outwardly dominant.
    baywalker likes this.
  19. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    I appreciate everything both @baywalker and @Thelongwayhome27 are saying, but I think when it comes to the world of finding a suitable mate, there needs to be judgement. You need a physical attraction. This is not a bad thing because you have issues with porn. I've read the argument, and tend to agree with it, that animals are built for mutual attraction first. If you are not physically attracted to a potential mate, you will not have the desired offspring. All of nature is simply about reproducing to create a more superior generation. It's called evolution and it starts with physical attraction. You have no reason to apologize for not being attracted someone or not wanting to give them a chance romantically. Now, it's also my experience that if you can form a mental and emotional bond with someone as a friend, they can become more desirable physically your my eyes, but that can go just so far. No need to apologize about nature doing its thing.

    As for judging people when its unsolicited, yeah, that's on you. If we're close friends, or you specifically ask for my opinion, I'll share it, but I had to learn this one the hard way, too, and admittedly don't always succeed. My therapist says it's because I'm a problem solver and a control freak. Those two things don't play well together.

    And while I appreciate Johnny Bravo's theories, I think like socialism, they can only exist in a vacuum. Idealistically he's right, but in the real world, you can't live up to that ideal and you may just do more damage to psyche trying and failing.

    Now, all this said, after many years of dating, shortly after I turned 26, I met a woman who was not a 10 in her pictures by my standards, but who I talked to on the phone every night for a month before we met. She had a daughter, a pretty dead-end job and a 2-year-old daughter. All of this was what I usually went running from. Well, 18 years later, this woman makes three times more money than me, is prettier than she was when I first met her and I couldn't imagine my life without my daughter. My wife also stood by me through my entire legal ordeal and has been there every step of the way of my recovery. What's my point? We all have a unique path to take, can't plot it out in advance, and need to be flexible without being breakable. You'll find who you're supposed to find.
    baywalker and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  20. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Way up here, the air is thin, my head is clear
    The clouds seem like a ground below, all temporal thoughts are overthrown
    It's hard to care, the stars light up the autumn air
    Bombs sink into the void below, just where they land I'll never know

    Flying home, I get scared, anti-aircraft everywhere
    I sink into the velvet black and dodge the leading lines of flak
    I've got just one flaw, my heart is like an open sore
    And I take just one dent, and I'll fall into a deep descent
    I fall into a deep descent

    I have found my heart can get up off the ground
    I taxi to the runway's end, and find when I take off, it's not there
    It won't be long before it finally comes and dogs me down
    It will come out of the moon one night and send me homeward in a ball of fire

    And that's why, flying home, I get scared, engine esters everywhere
    I'll sink into the velvet black and dodge the leading lines of flak
    I've got just one flaw, my heart is like an open sore
    I'll take just one hit, and I'll fall into a deep abyss
    I fall into a deep abyss
    I fall into a deep abyss
    And I fall, and I fall, and I fall

    Your eyes can save me
    Your eyes can save me
    Your eyes can save me
    Save me from myself

    Nothing can save me
    Nothing can save me
    Nothing can save me
    Save me from myself

    Save me from myself
    Save me from myself

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