Journal of Bay Age 28

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by baywalker, Oct 30, 2019.

  1. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

  2. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Thailand, Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, Philippines, Cambodia.

    I was in Asia for a while.
  3. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) on Joe Rogan about Law of Attraction:

    Lakaf likes this.
  4. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Positive Emotions

    for the Emotions

    Despite the Emotions

    I've intentionally focused on positive emotions today.

    Even at times it felt bad to feel good.


    As I feel the pain, I feel the truth.

    This is the normal state.

    I guess you can't wish it was easier,

    You can only wish you were stronger.

    I'm trying.

    But brother, is it a man's fault to want to see a woman in nude once in a while?
    crink likes this.
  5. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    That really depends on the context and definition of the phrase "once in a while" now, doesn't it.
    baywalker likes this.
  6. crink

    crink Member

    The pain is a doorway to healing
  7. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Sometimes I feel, the words that come out aren't exactly mine.

    Maybe I have a fear of feeling things genuinely. Maybe pain is a start.
    crink likes this.
  8. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Earlier today,

    I failed to finish up a workout routine I could have easily finished if it was before.

    You know I,

    I used to put on porn while I worked out, to give me that extra push.

    I remember going out with a girl who had started doing kick boxing.

    I remember thinking about her and going 'what the fuck, that's the opposite of feminine, I'm not into that weird shit.'

    Then just this morning I watched a video on modern masculinity and modern femininity, where men complain there are no feminine women left, while women complain there are no masculine men left.

    I guess that's in the way of classic masculinity. I don't really know what non-classic masculinity is btw.

    Anyway, that did make sense.

    So before that video, I remember asking the kickbox girl out again on an expensive spot, so that I could encourage her to dress up sexy, etc (see the porn craving brain talking?)

    I know that there is some sort of a calling, that tells me

    'break through

    leave all this shit

    it's not you'

    Therefore I must keep at it on this working out thing. I know my surroundings is not available for such a thing.

    Check this, the room I'm sleeping in has barely about one person walk through, and you can't fully lay down on the floor.

    But these are all complaints..

    Let's find some solutions.
    Lakaf likes this.
  9. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

  10. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I wish

    That I could say things are getting better, easier, days are feeling brighter, all that.

    It's not.

    I wish

    That I could say it's going to get better, I will have better relationships, things are looking up.

    They're not.

    I wish

    That when I feel lonely on a Friday night at 11.30 pm, I can call to meet a female friend and know that I won't try and use her.

    I will.

    I wish

    That I could find solutions to these things.

    I can't..
    Lakaf and crink like this.
  11. crink

    crink Member

    Keep going man. Feel those feelings. It's good to hear from you again.
    baywalker likes this.
  12. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Thanks @crink Appreciate the support
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  13. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @baywalker Do you feel like there is one giant thing holding you back or a lot of tiny things?
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  14. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Feels like it's a lot of tiny things.

    As you mentioned before, a lot of things are connecting, and it's not like a videogame, it's tough, sometimes painful, sometimes tiring.

    I met one of my personal trainers last week to see if he had any boxing, or martial arts classes opening up, since I don't want to use my limited amount of money on setting up a personal training work out schedule.

    Just 5 minutes before meeting I thought to myself 'ok, let's just chat and see how they are doing, let's not talk business (which is business for him though it's only working out on my end)' when we were talking he said something fascinating, he said he saw me as a unique character who has a great future and that I shouldn't waste my time in my hometown, and that I should really apply myself. Especially with all that past experience despite my age. He said he understands that no one really completes his maturation until 30 and that I should be just a bit more patient with what I expect from the world. He is maybe in his late 30's or early 40's.

    So I didn't talk about the work out classes. But it was interesting to see that the conversation was about the mind rather the body. I'm not super built, I could lose the extra chin, but I guess he could tell I was struggling with mental issues rather than physical.

    I feel like I'm not making a lot of sense on this post.

  15. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

  16. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Wait...THIS is the post you don't think you're making sense with? ;)

    Just like the story of your life, your health is all connected....mental, physical, emotional and some also feel spiritual. A healthy life is a walk on a tightrope. It's all about balance and it takes practice. I still eat too much crap and rely on caffeine too often to get me going. I'm still lazier than I should be. It's all about incrementally getting better...and you're going to do that at least a decade before I did. Smart guy.

    And I know this is your journal, but I just wanted to mention that my second book is coming out tomorrow and I'll be doing a Reddit AMA at Noon EST if anybody wants to stop by.
    Lakaf likes this.
  17. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    On it right now. Reading the comments.
    Joshua Shea likes this.
  18. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Confession Time

    I have let go of my girlfriend.

    I didn't tell her that. I just stopped chasing her. She is going through something and she didn't find the need to make an explanation to me on what our relationship meant to her after her ex had passed. Message received, no offense taken.

    I am not meditating I was too busy with work and it felt like wasting time even if I stopped for 5-10 minutes just to do nothing.

    I've been replacing my girlfriend with 2-3 different female friends that I only chat with. The good thing with this is I'm slowly finding more ways to connect to them in a more human way. I used to feel shitty about texting them because it always felt like booty calls whenever I texted them. Now it feels more friendly, at least to me, which is probably all that matters.

    Why do I want to be friendly?

    I guess it feels better. Looking back, most my life, most of my friendships have been over some sort of a deal. We are friends because I give you this, I take this from you. blah blah.. I don't want that anymore. Let's just spend time and enjoy life, is it so hard?

    Recently I changed my barber, because he hadn't taken money from me since he knows my family, and we've known each other since I was a child. It did feel like I was hanging out with him because I was getting free haircuts. I don't want that, let's hang out for good times man.

    I don't know.

    I guess I'm just learning to be human.
    Lakaf likes this.
  19. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    But there is one more thing.

    I realized a while ago that I was still not over my ex from 10 years ago and that I had shown the first signs of forgiving her.

    It’s not an instant transformation but since then I’ve been letting her go little by little.

    I remembered that I managed to stop myself from scolding my current gf who I’ve decided to let go too.

    I was mad at her for not being over her dead ex bf.

    But I too wasn’t over my ex.

    Who’s to blame there?

    My brothers, I don’t have the strength to carry another, but I am strong enough not to be mad at them for not being able to let go.

    I too suffered.

    I too am letting go.

    Let us lick our wounds,
    For all I can offer is my silence..
    Lakaf likes this.
  20. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I'm feeling better.

    Saying this with the knowledge that I would have felt better if I could have numbed my brain.

    But would it be better?

    Or only numb-er?

    This isn't like smoking.

    At all.
    Lakaf and Joshua Shea like this.

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