Journal of Bay Age 28

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by baywalker, Oct 30, 2019.

  1. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    That's great @Joshua Shea ! Looking forward to it.

    The Animals, one of my favorite bands, did well either way. Both sides of the same talented coin huh? :D


    Saturday nights are usually the worst,

    especially when the neighbors on your both sides of your apartment are banging.

    Finding yourself locked onto the wall,

    hoping to hear a moan or two.

    Reminds you to prepare to meet your maker..
     
  2. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    'To be called to move forthrightly forward into the strange and unknown.'

    Since these past two and a half weeks I've found myself communicating with my girlfriend and my other female friends more.

    With my girlfriend it's shaking our friendship a little since we have this mutual understanding of not to bother each other while we are both busy with our work. I can tell she is having to deal with me since I keep calling her/ texting her.

    I don't doubt her affection for me, I can imagine I am annoying to her lately.

    But I can't tell her what's up.

    On the other hand my other female friends whom I might not have spoken to for years seem to be very excited to hear from me.

    I guess I shouldn't take that as a positive either.

    All is the same in the balance of things.

    It's interesting to realize what legs relationships get set on though.

    I never knew matrix until I genuinely decided to walk into the strange and unknown.
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2019
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  3. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @baywalker Just my two cents, and it took lots of girlfriend and about 5 years of a marriage before I realized that a relationship is about making time for the other person's needs despite being busy with work. Also, if you can't tell her what's up, how strong is the relationship? This is part of who you are...part of who you will always be. The most important person in your life should know the intimate details of your life, good and bad.
     
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  4. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I need to figure out how to do it.

    It's more on me than her,

    I do get that.
     
  5. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Click click

    Youtube

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    STORY TIME.

    I was maybe about 13,

    about to head to high school, it was a boarding school, an art school.

    I was sitting with a friend of my parents, their age not mine.

    He told me in high school I could get away with anything, except from hard drugs.

    He said live your life, everything you do in high school will remain in high school,

    except drugs, you won't be able to quit them.

    I took hard drugs as heroin, etc, and really took his word. I didn't do those drugs.

    Over the following four years, I lost friends

    to those drugs,

    very good friends,

    in very tragic ways.

    Most I picked up was smoking, and I quit that before the end of college.

    I remember looking back in pity to those friends,

    some of them had the capacity to be great artists,

    great musicians,

    great animators,

    so much talent only lost to drugs..

    Thinking I was right to follow my family friend's words.

    I used to always think it will happen to them, but not to me.

    I'm lucky,

    I get away.

    But did I really

    get away?

    .

    UP NEXT
    Joe Rogan Experience #727 - Bill Burr
    POWERFULJRE
    |>
     
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  6. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Dark Times

    Today marks my 4th week of no porn.

    It’s an odd feeling.

    I had a couple of huge meetings that didn’t go well this past week.

    I couldn’t even get myself to feel sorry or regretful.

    I hope I’m not bottling them up.

    I am bottling them up.

    Not giving time to my virtual girlfriends I find myself needing more time from my real girlfriend and female friends.

    Mostly I’m not receiving the attention I was getting from my virtual girlfriends.

    I might have been a little too demanding over some of my female friends and my girlfriend that interactions didn’t end well.

    I can’t even get myself to feel sorry or regretful.

    I hope I’m not bottling them up.

    I am bottling them up...
     
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  7. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    “What you most want to find will be found where you least want to look.”

    Things aren’t getting better within.

    Though outside things are moving forward.

    Business is good.

    Friendships are smooth.

    But it’s not complete.

    What I need to find is where I am hiding from?

    I’ve been recently thinking about being back at my parents house trying to lift up my business.

    Where I am was least of where I wanted to be.

    I’m on the verge..

    Let alone being able to seek what I’m supposed to see..
     
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  8. crink

    crink Member

    You can do it! This is no easy feat, and you have made it to 29 days!
     
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  9. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Thanks crink. Appreciate the support.
     
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  10. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I understand I'm on a flatline.



    I have no morning wood/ erection/ pied issues.

    Must be because I seriously haven't been mo'ing since November last year. (Oh wow, 1 year mark no mo!)

    But the past two weeks have been hell.

    I can't believe I've managed to have gone through it.



    I unfriended 6 of my female friends from fb.

    I realized I'm using them, not befriending them.

    Not only that, my mind is constantly on them now, stalking, creeping, texting them constantly.

    I'm starting to see it as a waste of time.

    I'ts almost like I'm back to online dating.



    Plus my girlfriend, she doesn't deserve this.

    Have I told her?

    No

    I don't know if I can.

    Here's the thing, we've been together only for 6 months and only been together for 1 month physically. She is a smart girl, and I told her I'm not going to be in her city and that she can see other people if she needs to.

    ^ Besides our relationship, I see this as an opportunity to get rid of this addiction in the time being. We were going to meet in December, it's gotten delayed to April. If we don't breakup, 5 months later I'll be in a better place.

    I understand approximately flatlining takes about 6 months (That's about when deltafosb starts to decline if I'm not wrong).


    I can understand St. Jonah more and more everyday.


    These are my rough seas.

    These are our rough seas.
     
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  11. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    This is pseudoscience BS. It's the placebo effect. Tell yourself it takes it 3 months so you get there faster. Let's not forget the history of NoFap. It's based on a Seinfeld episode that some guys on reddit decided to copy. There is no basis in any real science for any of it. Dopamine fasting is not a thing and many doctors will tell you that suddenly becoming a sexual anorexic can be more dangerous to your health than what you were doing prior. But why let science get in the way of things? All these guys with counters at 8 days have the secret!
     
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  12. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Makes sense.

    I guess one never ends up dopamine fasting, something does get replaced by it.

    But I was thinking of going monk mode until April. Maybe I'm wrong again. Hmm.
     
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  13. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Click click

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    STORY TIME | part 2

    Previously on Baywalker

    I used to always think it will happen to them, but not to me.

    I'm lucky,

    I get away.

    But did I really

    get away?

    INTRO

    Everything That Went Wrong

    or

    Victory Defeated Me

    or

    High IQ Was Not Enough


    At mid 2009, I had everything I wanted.

    It was the high school graduation.

    Work was perfect, I had won an award for my work in high school, which not only proved my superiority but also proved I could outwork everyone at my school.

    Love was perfect, I was dating the hottest girl in high school (if you could look it up, you would agree).

    From there I had gone to a college with my teachers' recommendation (to the professors at that school for them to be prepared for me).

    I had also won an award in my hometown as a local rising star.

    I was conquering the world.


    Yet it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me.


    I started college and spent the following year complaining and bragging.

    I picked up smoking (from casual to one pack a day).

    I stopped spending quality time with friends.

    I broke up with my high school sweetheart b/c I heard she was cheating on me from another person. I trusted the other person more than my own girlfriend at the time whether what she did was right or wrong. We were 17 (she was 16 I was 17), I'd moved onto college in a different city and she was still in high school.

    I hated the cold.

    I spent the whole year in pain, then I transferred to west coast (I was in midwest), I can say that's when I started running away.

    After my breakup I became a dick to everyone. I lost all friends.

    Lost respect of my professors from midwest, hometown, and school.

    College sucked, I didn't make any quality friends, the pain was so strong I couldn't keep it together.

    My grades went down, I was about to fail everything, that's when I realized I could abuse my obsessive compulsive brain to get better grades, and lose the war on porn.

    I never dated a girl that looked like my high school sweetheart, ok once I did, but it never went anywhere because I lacked the social skills to take it anywhere. I realized at that moment that I'd relegated to third division while girls in my initial league remained in premiere division.

    That's when it started to spiral down.

    I felt shitty because I'd lost social touch.

    I lost further social touch because I was feeling shitty.

    I transferred to a good university, with good grades, and no social life, graduated quietly.

    I was holding onto a second tier job while knowing that I could do better but hiding from the truth.

    I quit smoking here somewhere because I literally had no space left in my mind for another bully.

    I moved to Asia in beliefs that the world was wrong and that I was right.

    I stumbled upon a great opportunity, then messed that up too.

    I still had sparks of genius come and go at this point. I had given it a break to MO for three months, I spoke to a friend about it and he recommended me to never start again, and to find release through everything else.

    I started dating my current girlfriend. Which made it easier to staple my no MO lifestyle in.

    Then with the complete belief that I can run my own business, I came back home to my parent's house (at this point they didn't even have a bedroom for me, they still don't).

    While having to deal with everything first hand without lies or hiding behind a boss, I realized that I was having trouble with making choices and taking responsibility which was never an issue 10 years ago.

    I took it seriously this time, I worked very hard on both my business and my own mind in these past 9 months.

    There is a blogger named Steve Pavlina who says if you are looking to create an abundant life, being addiction free should be your gold standard.

    That's when I remembered I was still watching.


    Victory had defeated me.


    I had put my self love and identity on my success and love life, all external things.

    And when I lost them all, I lost all self love and purpose to live. I'd become a shell of who I was.

    I remember one of my ex-bosses in Asia telling me I have to get out of my shell. Back then I was thinking to myself 'what the hell is he talking about?'

    At the 30 day mark of my no P watching, I can say the following:

    Luckily, it's not too late, I'm only 28, I have a great team that I've built in my hometown, I've reconnected with a couple of people from my past that love and respect me.

    I'm grateful to have lived a lifetime of highs and lows already in 28 years.

    I'm grateful that I have people around me already.

    I'm grateful that I haven't lost my mind or health permanently.

    I'm grateful for this YBRB (is this a proper abbreviation?) community.

    I accept that I can't yet accept all this that happened to me.

    I still have some of my peers' support and I am grateful that I still get ideas and creativity flow from the void, universe, voice, God, whatever you call it.


    I'm ready to come back to the Premiere League.


    .

    UP NEXT
    Avishai Cohen - Gershon Beat
    Razdaz Recordz (Official)
    |>
     
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  14. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    You can't do any worse than Tottenham this year.
    Have you thought about therapy? You're doing well with these disparate thoughts, but you need some professional help to connect them.
     
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  15. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Lol, yeah whatever happened to Spurs?

    Thanks @Joshua Shea , it's really coming around.

    I went to therapy in 2000 when my father passed. Which I have no issues of.

    I looked into some therapists at 2014, when I was really really losing touch socially, that didn't work too well with me.

    The therapists (I saw three different ones that my insurance covered) all ended up implying that I need to let go of my ambitions to feel happy again.

    Has anyone else experienced such a thing also?

    Then I hired a life coach around mid 2014, he understood my issues much better and he was the one who helped me come back up to zero from way way below. We did a lot of self esteem work. He had good help in me quitting smoking.

    But yeah, losing the remaining excuses over the following 5 years really helped me come full circle in understanding my issues.

    It may be a good idea to think about therapy again.

    Hiring another life coach (or the same guy) is a bit of a luxury at this point,

    and I don't know if I can actually find a therapist that will really understand where I'm coming from..

    What I can consider is an online counseling. I can test it out to see if it will work.

    A modern solution to a modern problem.

    Ah, it already sounds too good

    to be true..
     
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  16. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Nightmare on Porn Street

    I saw a wet dream.

    Not that I haven't been in the past month. I know I saw one after Halloween night.

    I just don't report it here, it doesn't really affect me since I don't MO.

    The wet dream of yesterday I want to talk about is about yesterday.

    I had a video chat with my girlfriend.

    It just didn't feel good. I know @Thelongwayhome27 says it is a self fulfilling prophecy but yeah small details that I can't deal with.


    Like she picked up the phone half naked, said she needs to dress up, then when she called back she was dressed, no make up, messy hair, in a room with other friends, which one of the girls told me she doesn't even know my name.

    I mean come on I get it.

    The Medium is the Message.

    I'm fine with being closer to the 'open' part of the relationship than exclusive. That doesn't hurt me, I've been on both ends.

    But in my dream, I saw that I was in a relationship with a hotter girl, and she was sort of giving me a similar hot'n cold, then I went something in the lines of 'get over here!' in a bit of a forceful way, had my way with her, then of course, woke up.

    I've never forced myself on a woman in my life.

    Not even in my dreams before.

    Is this normal?
     
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  17. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Find someone who specializes in addiction disorders. It doesn't specifically have to be sex or porn, but you don't need a regular cognitive behavior therapist. You need one who can talk to you about addiction and where it comes from.
     
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  18. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Ok thanks @Joshua Shea . I will lean into it. Will report back my results.
     
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  19. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    The Chair

    I'm sitting at the same chair I was at 10 years ago.

    I literally remember coming to this house

    in between my high school graduation and college.

    That's when my parents bought this house.

    I'd come back to say hi, blah blah blah.

    Because even my grandmother came to my high school graduation

    it was just the right thing to come back,

    to return the goodwill.


    I remember seeing this house for the first time.

    Picking the chair,

    'saying this is mine.'

    Then leaving.



    I spent 10 years living high and fast.

    Only the past three years I worked so hard,

    never thinking I was going to come back

    to this same chair again.


    But I am back, with,

    with,

    withdrawals.
     
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  20. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Quick thought:

    When I see real life women and their physical appearance match the kind of stuff I was watching in my viewing days, my brain matches the real life woman to the woman I was watching. Triggers shame, I become awkward.

    Decade long mystery solved.

    But the issue remains..
     
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