Journal of Bay Age 28

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by baywalker, Oct 30, 2019.

  1. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    Fuckin’

    back again..
    2012 is when I begin.
    2014 is when I thought I was recovered because I managed to quit jackin’
    2015 is when I quit smoking (4 years clean)
    2016 is when I fell into the hole of prostitutes (some sort of a pun intended)
    2018 November is when I quit jackin’ (11 months ‘stronaught)
    2019 is when I realize the whole time I had quit jackin’ I hadn’t really quit watchin’


    Scene.

    Quitting smoking fades besides it
    Quitting fapping fades besides it
    Quitting prostitutes fades besides it


    Therefore it was never about giving it a break, it was about realizing that the iceberg exists, let alone the unseen part underneath.


    Root cause of addiction, is whatever we are distracting ourselves from.

    Im mot hiding from anything anymore. Let us really dig in. Let us solve the problem at its source.
     
  2. baywalker

    baywalker Member

  3. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @baywalker You are 100% correct. In most of our cases (94% according to one study) we have either repressed or unresolved trauma in our past. Figure that stuff out and you're going to understand how you developed the addictions. It's much easier to take care of the symptoms -- the addictions -- when you take care of the problem at the source. Good on you for figuring this out. Good luck with the hard work ahead.
     
  4. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    Thank you Joshua Shea.
     
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  5. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    Here I am, looking back at, what I can't face?

    That's it?

    Traumas..

    That's it?

    If I knew how to face them?

    That's it?

    Isn't it that everyone would be addiction free, and rich, and with six pack abs then?

    Maybe the last two were bits of exaggeration..

    There are a couple of things that I desire:

    - Have the will power to say no to anything. I am hardly ever peer pressured.. But I always say yes to work, and guess what I'd had replaced porn initially with?

    - Have the peace of mind not to go mad.

    - Have the joy to live a happy life everyday, or even at least the moment.

    Only if it all was that easy..

    I make a list, and check the boxes one by one.

    Isn't it that everyone would check their boxes one by one then?


    I don't know..

    I won't watch. But what difference does it make? Does it change the fact that I eye fucked like at least 10 women just during dinner at the restaurant just two hours ago.. How is that not wrong?

    I'd come to a realization lately that others can tell the weirdness in you. Yeah maybe they can't tell that you are thinking of fucking them (for ladies in that sense) but they can tell that something is off by you, so they get weirded out. That's exactly the same reason for the people that you think is off, like their vibe you know..



    Looking in the wrong place.



    There is a deeper problem.



    Looking for approval?



    Imagine if you didn’t allow the rejection of life to negatively shape your identity. Then you can focus on the root issue with a little bit of humility. Healing can take place.



    Rejection?



    Could there have been an incapacity to deal with rejection?





    It must be very hard to find the kind of open people that I’m looking for..

    People are cooperative

    People are kind

    People are supportive



    You are to find the ones who are cooperative kind and supportive. Not the other way around.



    There is a need for soothing.



    A need for loving.

    I have made some promises, regarding work, due to my work addiction.. I will bite the bullet and suck it up until it's done.. But then I'm out, at the expense of losing my job.. I will get rid of the addiction..
     
  6. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    Touch to use password.

    How has technology made it easier for all of us?

    To do anything and everything.

    There is some sort of an Icarus story there. A modern version. Flying too close to something, getting your metaphorical wings burned off.

    definitely.

    I’m interested in seeing if I can sit with myself without any distractions. I’m interested in seeing if I can stand myself.

    I’m interested in discovering how others managed to do it.

    I’m an only child. Only my mother is alive.

    My mother raised me. My father passed when I was 9. They were divorced before that.

    My girlfriend is the oldest of 5 girls. Her father is missing. Her stepfather is in the family now.

    We might be on the equal ends of attention spectrums.

    I hope this makes sense to somebody.

    I have trust issues. I know that. I’ve made it a point to put certain people on protected zone. What I call protected zone is complete trust and freedom for the ones in that zone to be trusted and never to get mad at them. I’m kind of protecting them from myself.

    I really hope this made sense to somebody.

    At any cost.

    Touch to use password.
     
  7. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @baywalker Just getting this stuff out there is good. It's crucial. Eventually you start making small connections, then big connections, then connections you never could have imagined. It's called recovery, my friend. It's a long road, but welcome to the journey.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  8. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    Why am I here? Just to suffer?

    Why am ‘I’ here? Just to shepherd this body and brain while it goes through this and me quoting video game lines?

    I had some extra time to read the New Testament for the first time ever in my life today.. Since I’m not wasting my time on.. you know what.

    It said: “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” (I’m not religious, nor do I know how to mark these quotes properly. It says Matthew 6, item 24. Plus it’s only on page 6, so it doesn’t speak wonders on my reading speed either)

    What I get out of it is I can’t live a double life, because then I will end up fueling the hidden life more given the fact that I’m hiding it. I still can’t seem to find a way to open up to anybody about this. I know there are many success stories involving a support group.

    I can’t go to an SA, AA, or anything I mean I know it’s more about facing myself rather than trying to keep others accountable to my issues.

    Its been 9 days or so. It’s almost like you can’t have both ways. You have to let go of everything you are going to face in real life while going through this.


    Maybe I am here just to suffer,

    at least through this.
     
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  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I know this feeling. Though to be fair we can never know for sure. Our mind can always play tricks on us. It's easy to project our own thoughts into other people's perspectives of us.

    What makes it seem so real though is the self fulfilling prophecy. If we feel like they can see we are different we start acting that way instead of being relaxed and open.

    I've been enjoying your entries.
     
  10. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    Appreciate it Thelongwayhome27. It may be more helpful to think the best of everyone and approach everyone in a positive and relaxed manner. Which is what I force myself to do.
     
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  11. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    "He remembers those vanished years. As though looking through a dusty window pane, the past is something he could see, but not touch."

    I don't know how to start this one..

    Whenever I have nothing to do I try to sit and intentionally do nothing, try to stand myself..

    I usually end up having time for myself more than I expect to.

    I deleted facebook, instagram, the actual mailing app too.

    I only have whatsapp and fb's messenger for communications.

    I still use my phone to wake me up. Except I don't go into those sites.. you know.. just go on messenger or whatsapp, text someone or two, check the forums here, go on youtube maybe listen to a Jordan Peterson speech or two..

    Then I saw the stories part of messenger..

    My ex gf from 10 years ago.. had a revealing photo of herself on the messenger stories.. I use the smallest iphone, the picture was smaller than your literal thumb nail. What I know that I felt.. Must have been blocked by my 'mind numbing activities' all these years.. I forced myself to lock the phone, put it in my pocket, wash my face and come to my computer.. to type this..

    Was I holding onto her all these vanished years?

    As though looking through a dusty window pane, all those memories that I can see but no touch?

    Are these tears rolling down my eyes?
     
  12. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    'I know that I know nothing.' - Socrates

    A bit paradoxical at first sight.

    The truth is a little harder to explain. The knowledge of knowing nothing, at least right now, can help in many things.

    I know that I don't know how to get rid of this addiction.

    I know that I don't know how beneficial it will be when I get rid of it.

    I know how I was before it. I know that I can't properly compare the two as well as I want to.


    CUT TO


    I was always good with work, I guess that's because I found out about it early on, and managed to get into it and improve myself over time. I always knew that I didn't know something, so that's why I was having to deal with whatever obstacle or hardship that was coming my way. With business it's usually you don't know what you don't know so either you remain stagnant,


    or remind yourself of Socrates' quote.



    If it's the law that we can only connect the dots looking backwards,

    then dots can only be connected if we

    put in the time to

    put them in.
     
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  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I like your entries and I hope you'll stick around for a while.

    Regarding what I mentioned with other people sensing how we are "off" I would say it's not necessarily false (our "mind reading"). It can be true and our instinct does give us some signs, so we can always take in that info. But we just need to add some healthy skepticism to it in my opinion. Especially with people we don't know. We're never completely sure and often times we project our own impressions and moods. If we're in a good mood we presume people like us. If we're anxious or stressed we presume they don't.
     
    baywalker likes this.
  14. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    I understand real fear now.

    I understand why most people don't make it, or not even try at all.

    I've recently began facing myself.

    So many things come up.

    I understand I've been half assing most things in my life.

    I understand I was understanding many things half assed.

    This happens when you think you are smarter than usual.

    That's exactly when it shows you are not.

    'Small details hint at the big picture' said someone smarter than me one day. That wasn't the day I understood everything

    but,

    I've recently began understanding myself.
     
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  15. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @baywalker Once again, just want to say that I'm enjoying reading your journey. You're putting the pieces together. I'm not far from six years in therapy and I still discover connections. I never knew imposter syndrome was a thing until about a month ago. And I can't speak for you, but I know in my former life, I wasn't half-assing things. I was one-eighth-assing them at best. Keep on keepin' on. You're doing well.
     
    baywalker likes this.
  16. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    Thank you @Joshua Shea

    I watched your interview on The Virtual Couch Podcast btw. The amount of how much I can relate to you is indescribable. Imposter syndrome, yes, that's such a huge thing especially in today's society, where how we usually make our money is through new ways. It very recently came to my attention that our business too is affected by our minds, it's never isolated to our skillset.

    How I wish it could have been...


    This is very interesting:

    These days my brain has been constantly telling me that I had recently had a huge fight with the person that I am spending time with.

    This is hard to explain..

    Whenever they say something for example, I go 'here we go' as in we are about to argue again. But in reality no argument happens.

    I kinda feel guilty about my recent discussion with my business partner where he told me he felt offended because it felt like I scolded him, by the way I spoke. I shouldn't feel guilty, I know that. I know I didn't scold him for example. I know that I only mentioned the importance of what we are doing.

    Now, what if I was wrong?

    What if my brain finally realized I'm serious about rewiring it and it's actually making me slip?

    Now that's real fear.
     
  17. Lakaf

    Lakaf Active Member

    Doing great!
     
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  18. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    Thanks Lakaf!
     
  19. baywalker

    baywalker Member

    Baby, do you understand me now
    Sometimes I feel a little mad


    I have content, like everyone.
    That I consume, whatever it says about me.


    Well don't you know that no-one alive
    Can always be an angel
    When things go wrong I feel real bad


    Seeing a girl in a bikini, with whatever good intentions.


    I'm just a soul who's intentions are good
    Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood


    I can't help but think what I would do to her.


    Baby, sometimes I'm so so carefree
    With a joy that's hard to hide


    What the hell am I thinking?


    And sometimes it seems that
    All I have to do is worry
    And then you're bound to see my other side


    Who the hell am I?


    I'm just a soul who's intentions are good
    Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood


    I am.. I am just a soul with good intentions.

    ....


    If I seem edgy, I want you to know
    That I never mean to take it out on you
    Life has it's problems and I get my share
    And that's one thing I never mean to do


    I have been pretty edgy these days haven't I?
    I try to hope and deny that I have problems. That's true.
    I never mean to take it out on anyone, of course not.


    Cause I love you

    I do. I do. I swear I do.


    Oh, oh, oh, baby, don't you know I'm human
    I have thoughts like any other one
    Sometimes I find myself alone and regretting
    Some foolish thing, some simple thing I've done


    Fuckin’

    back again..
     
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  20. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Ironically, he's the same guy who co-wrote my new book coming out the first week of December.

    Of course, as a rebuttal, the Animals also did well with...

    But baby (baby)
    Remember (remember)
    It's my life and I'll do what I want
    It's my mind and I'll think what I want…
     
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