Journal of an 38 yo autistic with severe ED

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by amanwed, May 24, 2023.

  1. amanwed

    amanwed Member

    I have a severe ED. But it wasn't always like that. The first time I masturbate my knees was shaking! I was 19 years old but never had a real sex with real women. When I first masturbate, it was with porn. And I begin to use porn every day with masturbation. Several years later, I develop Erectile Dysfunction. I could not make love with a real woman. My father had organized a sexual encounter with a mature woman and I could not maintain a erection so it didn't work! I never have complete sex with a woman because of my ED!

    I also live with autism. I believe my autism is due to abnormal gut flora. So I want to restore my gut flora with a good diet. So I have two goal. Heal my brain and my ED and change and restore my gut flora for a balanced one.

    Hope me good luck! I will keep this updated.
  2. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi amanwed,

    Sorry to hear about both your ED and autism. The ED should get better with rebooting (eg for 60 or 90 days) and you can always use viagra.

    Are you getting help with your autism? Do you have friends who are also autistic or other friends to support you.

    Stick on this site and read some of the success stories. Also I made a list of suggestions to Burnt Tao which you can find
    if you put Burnt Tao into the search box and read his thread.

    Welcome and all the best.
  3. amanwed

    amanwed Member

    Thank you DBA for your words of encouragement!

    I did not get help with autism because there is not a lot of services here in NB in Canada. But I don't need help to be honest. I have everything I need. One man clean my house every weeks (laundry, dishes and cleaning the house) so that's help. I need to kick myself in the butt and going into diet (low carb) so I could function the best I can.

    I did make in the past a 3 months straight of no Porn, Masturbation or Orgasm. And it did not cure my ED. Probably because a lot of men take way more longer than 3 or 4 months. I heard some need at least 2 years or even more! I give up and I live my life the best I can. Until I make a dream that I met my soulmate but she had to give up on her love she had for me. That make me realize that I have to heal my body and my brain, else, I might meet my second half, I won't be able to keep her close to me if I do not heal.

    Some days I wonder if my coffee consomption need to be remove. Is caffeine bad for a reboot? It's a stimulant after all. I am addicted to it but I will see if I need to remove it or not.

    I am on Cipralex because I have OCD. But I heard that it very bad for sex drive and sexual function. So I will change for Trintellix which do not have this side effect. I will change by beginning of June.

    I decide to stop PMO forever because it's very bad for the brain. And remove triggers of all kind. Hope it will cure my ED!

    I keep this updated.

    PS: I do have friends that very supportive but I don't see them often.
  4. DBA

    DBA Active Member


    No, coffee doesn't make rebooting more difficult. But too much causes anxiety and poor sleep.

    Over ED, yes you need to reboot for 90 days. This works for many here, and if not just use
    viagra or cialis. It is not cheating.

    Be careful moving off the Cipralex on to Trintallix. You have to cut down over weeks or it causes
    a deep depression.

    Both cause sexual side effects, usually delayed orgasm (DE) or an inability to have one. A medication
    I am on for a side effect of severe kidney disease does the same. I have tried MO to find out but
    you will only know if you try it.. But no PMO!

    All the best
  5. amanwed

    amanwed Member

    Sorry to hear that you live with severe kidney disease! You think your medication cause ED but are you sure it is actually the case? Or maybe you just don't be rebooted yet?

    Trintellix have the reputation to cause less sexual problem than Cipralex. I am under supervision of a medical doctor that will call me in 6 weeks to monitor my progress. For two weeks I have to take 10 mg Trintellix, 10 mg Cipralex. Then, 20 mg Trintellix and no Cipralex. So it should be safe.

    I develop an addiction transfert. I drink alcohol but also junk food like ice cream sandwich. The fact that my medication suppress my sex drive also suppress my determination to go into diet and follow it for long term. I have to work on my determination (and willpower). I hope Trintellix will help me with that. Once I will restore my sex drive, I will be motivated to improve my gut flora with special diet and doing exercice program and keeping it up with long term.

    Thank you for your support, I keep my diary updated. :)
  6. amanwed

    amanwed Member

    On this Sunday it's been 20 Days. I want my progress to continue non stop until I get rebooted and my brain work the way it's suppose to work. I want my brain rebalanced. Right now I feel like my brain is hacked or hijacked. My brain want his fix of dopamine. It want high dopamine fix like when I eat junk food like ice cream sandwich. My brain has to learn to give up the idea of high dopamine fix.

    When I drink coffee, my brain get a dopamine fix, then after the hit, it want a bigger hit like alcohol or junk food (high sugary food), etc. I wonder if my coffee consumption cause problem. Because it's like if my brain has been trained to expect high dopamine fix, and than bigger and bigger hit, non stop. Maybe I should give up on coffee and tea so my brain stop expecting a good hit of dopamine? Maybe I should give up everything unhealthy that get me a high dopamine fix like junk food, coffee (and tea) and alcohol? Stopping coffee would be the most difficult. I will try to reduce my consumption slowly.
  7. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Yes cut down on coffee It will decrease anxiety and excitement.

    Over my kidneys, I am very near the need to have dialysis, and ED is very common indeed at this stage
    (and at my age). But of course the addiction to p0rn didn't help.

    Hope the change in your medication is helpful.
  8. amanwed

    amanwed Member

    I hope my medication would be helpful too. I think several months on Trintellix will tell me.

    Today I'm feeling worthless a little bit. I went on dating site, Bumble and POF and it look like nobody is interested into me. I have put my best pictures of me, I don't understand what I am doing wrong. When I would have been rebooted, it will be a real challenge to find a woman, a date! I really don't know how I will do it.

    I work as public servant. Some women smile to me when they see me but nobody seem interested to wanted to learn to know me. Is like a woman interested into me a very very rare ressource! I will have to increase in my position and get a bigger social status (higher than her) so I can truly interest few women, hopefully one of them I will be attracted to her. And I would have to be lucky to find a bigger position than the CR3 I am in.

    That's my though for the day,

  9. DBA

    DBA Active Member


    Remember that you are depressed. That is why you are taking the medication.

    And when depressed we all feel that others are not interested in us. First you
    need to get less depressed and then things won't look so bad.

    If you want to know how depressed you are, go online and fill in the Beck depression inventory.
    It will tell you how bad your depression is.

    I would be happy to talk to you about it if I know your score.
  10. amanwed

    amanwed Member

    Thank you for the tips but now I feel better. That is probably because I ate a lot of sugary food recently and today, like cake and ice cream sandwich. I might not interest a lot of women but today I don't care. Maybe it could be different other days. This evening, I will (try to) return to a normal diet low in sugar and starch, but a healthy one. Since I will no longer be on the high that sugar give to us, I will fill the questionnaire and see how depressed I am once my diet would be a healthy normal one but suited for my case. Then I will post my result here.

    On Bumble there was only one woman that like my profil that I liked but she didn't write to me but since my brain is not rebalanced yet, I don't care. She probably chating with other men more attractive than me. Bumble is a site that women choose to approach men first, that why I am not having a lot of success with it. I don't find myself ugly, I'm good looking but women must be on other opinion than me about that lol.

    I am not giving her 24 hours more to contact me since I am not ready to meet somebody on dating site. Once my sex drive will be restore, and my microbiome will be better by following the GAPS diet (or specific carbohydrates diet), I will try to use dating site, maybe. But for now, dating site is useless because it's doomed to fail because I am not rebooted yet and my gut flora is wrong.

    I did accept it would take up to several years to be ready to go on dating site. But I have to fix myself first, then I will be able to date. I also have to reprogram myself. Porn did program me that I was an alpha male, which was false. I did live an alpha male life but only in my imagition. I should have accept instead my beta male status but live in the reality instead of in my imagination which was false and wrong. It's better to find a woman in the reality that will accept me like I am and love me (even if she's gonna be very hard to find), than having sex with multiple women but only in my imagination. That's the lie porn teach us.

    That's my tough for the day, I will keep this updated.
  11. amanwed

    amanwed Member

  12. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Your antidepressants are clearly working, Congratulations. Your score is fine.

    Of course your sex drive is low at the moment. When I was young I was in hospital with depression.
    It was months before my sex drive returned after I left hospital.

    It is also likely that the antidepressant is reducing your sex drive. In the leaflet they say
    that this may happen with a few people. In fact it happens with many. These drugs
    can cause ED and severe DE as well.

    But you need to put up with that for the moment. It is better to be less depressed.
    When and if you come off the pills, you need to reduce very slowly over weeks.
    If you come off quickly it can cause a severe depression.

    Now you are trying to avoid PMO and. have done 28 days, the fact that
    the pills reduce your sex drive is actually helpful. It makes it easier to avoid
  13. amanwed

    amanwed Member


    Today I'm feeling more like depress. I feel nobody are a true interest in me at the workplace because I don't have enough high social status like my position and it give me sense of injustice. But I'm probably depress. My sex drive was very low, like women was not turning me on anymore. And I don't have a need to have conversation with women. Progress with no PMO is not a linear process. I have up and down. Hopefully, I will have more up in the future.

    I will keep with the pills. If it reduce my sex drive, it would be easier to not PMO. I'm still half cipralex, half trintellix. Saturday, I will be all Trintellix. I will wait to be on Trintellix only for a while before trying regime for my gut flora.

    Thank you
  14. amanwed

    amanwed Member

    I feel anxiety right now. Right in my gut. I don't know if it's due that I drank to much alcohol yesterday or if it's due that today I was all Trintellix for the first time or if it's just that I am on withdrawal symptoms because I quit masturbation for good. I will try to ajust my diet and limit my alcohol consumption to drink just the days on special occasion.

    I feel absolutely no libido. I took a subscription to Tinder for a month. I have regrets but I wanted to have an experience about dating site. I think I have questions about where could I meet a woman. Should I rely on dating site or rely on real life? And the workplace, would it be better? If yes, I would have to get a better position so I could attract a good looking woman. I have a lot of questions about where could I meet my future girlfriend for long term.

    Sometime, it seem that I'm attracted to good looking women more that I used to be. But it's short lived for now. I think I'm seing progress, a little bit. I would like to wait until I was rebooted. But I will probably meet some woman and hopefully one will be my girlfriend.
  15. amanwed

    amanwed Member

    At the moment I have absolutely no libido. I saw pretty and beautiful women and nothing happen, no sex drive toward them. I'm like castrated. I have a date and it's stress me out. I am afraid not being attracted to her and afraid the moment I will tell her about my autism. I hope she will take it well.
  16. amanwed

    amanwed Member

    I find a sexual partner that was attracted to me despite my autism. The problem is that I have ED, a very non sexy thing. What piss me off more is not my autism, I can find a partner that will accept that, it's my ED! The fact that I am unable to have sex with a woman. I did kiss my partner, touch her thights, even touch and kiss her breast and nothing happen in me! No dopamine spike, nothing. I'm really castrated!

    I did remove Cipralex for Trintellix and hope it will help. I will try to speed up my recovery by stopping caffeine, alcohol and sugar. When I first masturbate, I was not taking caffeine and my knees shaked! Now (before stopping masturbation), even if I masturbate, I can't even get hard! That's ridiculous. I can ejaculate but not get hard. It's very frustrating.
  17. amanwed

    amanwed Member

    I had a vivid dream today. Just before I wake-up, I dream about porn and I feel the sexual tension. I was watching porn in my dream. I though I would have to reset my counter. But the dopamine rush was too high so I wanted to continue to watching porn. Nude women, blow job, hard core sex. I saw everything or almost in my dream. But when I wake-up, my willpower get back on track and no urge to use porn. I remember why I am doing this.

    I'm telling that because I believe there is no way we can reboot with only 3 months of no porn, no masturbation (I am on 61 days of no porn no masturbation)! It will take in my opinion several years! But I am going to do this because one day, if I want to have real sex with a woman and my brain been rebalanced, I have to do this. There is some benefit not masturbate. I did work out 3 times a weeks and I am doing well. Slowly build some muscle. In several years, I will be in good shape. I will continue this lifestyle.

    In short, I think my vivid dream is that my brain clean it up of this junk of porn I put throughout my life. Yesterday I switch back to cipralex because Trintellix alone make me feel more autistic several hours after I take it. I think it's bad for my gut flora. I am feeling more neurotypical with cipralex so I will keep it for several years, maybe 3. If I am still having ED, I will reduce the dose until I have no antidepressant.
    -Luke- likes this.
  18. amanwed

    amanwed Member

    I went at a place where there was a concert outside. One woman with sunglasses and one piece miniskirt where talking about a friend of my mother and massotherapeute. I feel sex drive toward her and chat with her regarding that she know the female massotherapeute. She said it was her massotherapeute. I said that I though you were friends and she said while smiling yes we are good friend too. It was a quick chat, the concert was done. She ask my name and I said it. I ask her name then and she present to me with handshake. I saw her boyfriend looking mad at me because I was talking to her girl. But I didn't care. It was a nice dopamine hit, different than what I experienced with porn. That way I will know that I will slowly healing my brain.

    She said that it was her first time she went here. I said it was my first time this year but I went last year. It was nice quick chat with quality woman. She looked at me before, before going to give a hug to her massotherapeute, so it motivated me to talk with her.

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