Early 40s. I've tried to quit more than once. I delete all my bookmarks and delete everything from my harddrive. I feel a sense of relief. Later, maybe as soon as two days later, I'll decide to save a photo of a fully dressed attractive woman to a folder. It's the start of a new cycle of collecting and curating that ends with 300GB of hardcore porn videos. I can't stop myself. Even as I'm doing it I'm telling myself to stop and I won't. I have no moral objection to pornography or masturbating or to any sexual practice that is consensual. I have liberal friends who I could talk to about pornography and masturbating without shame. I have straight friends, gay friends, transsexual friends... so nothing that I could be into sexually would necessarily cost me friends. But I can't talk about it with anyone because I know it's something I don't control. I don't want anyone to know that I am powerless to control my habits. I feel real shame. The sheer amount of time I have spent searching for new pornography and the hours I have spent masturbating is just staggering. Sessions of between 3 and 8 hours nearly every day. The longest I've gone in quitting mode is maybe a week. The longest when I'm in denial mode is maybe 3 days. It's a constant in my life and it has been especially bad for the past three years. I suffered a terrible personal loss several years ago and porn has been the drug I've used to block out thinking about it. In some ways, I feel luckier than the younger men here. I was an adult with a sexual identity before internet porn existed. The first time I was intimate with a woman, my experience with porn was limited to a few Playboys, a betamax tape I'd seen at a friend’s house, and a few soft-focus French films. I was always keenly interested in these things, but there was a natural limit to the quantity and variety. My appetites changed when I discovered broadband porn. At first I had a real life and I could go for long periods without porn. It sometimes affected my sexual performance and I would back off. It was a stress reliever. It was like a bender a drinker goes on when things are too crazy at home or work. You want a little vacation and an escape. I was limping along until I hit a personal loss so big that I wanted to escape from life itself. I don't work anymore. I rarely go out and see friends. When I do, I'm in a terrible fog and feel overwhelmed. What sex I do have now is frequently ruined by impotence that I know is caused from porn. How can you make love after hours of soulless masturbation? It kills all desire for normal contact. The largest part of my life is seeking new pornography. I'm alone all day and sitting in front of my laptop. I want to close it and go outside, but instead I look for that one new great video clip that will be the greatest video to cum to. But you never find it. Just as I'm about to cum, I'll think, this isn't enough, I don't want it to end here. I know how soulless and empty the experience would be. So what do I do? I look something even better. Better is usually weirder porn. Over the years my porn tastes have morphed from soft-core images of pretty women to golden showers, whips and chains, transsexuals, and even gay porn. My tastes in porn are now very different from what my sexuality was in real life. As I say, I have friends who would accept me if that's what I was really into. In real life, I know polyamorous couples, gay men, transsexuals. But there's nothing there. The only thing I've ever wanted in real life is a fairly vanilla monogamous relationship with a woman. In real life, the only thing that made my heart race was a pretty girl. I don't know where these crazy pornographic desires come from. I'm encouraged by other men's stories, in which their sexual tastes return to normal after rebooting. I assume it's because it's not really ever about true sexual desire. It's about novelty - and things that are normally transgressive or disgusting to you can provide a sharp jolt of novelty. As I say, I do feel luckier than the younger men. In their stories, I see that they fell into it at such an early age almost by default. At least I can see what hole I'm trying to fill and I can remember when things were different. I can't imagine what my earliest sexual experiences with a real woman would have been like if I'd first been able to watch 100 hours of Japanese women peeing on each other. The mind boggles. I've wanted to escape and rebuild for some time now. And I've been inspired by the example of a family member who has recently broke free from a serious drug addiction. I think the key for him was to know what you take day by day and what you must commit to forever. He fights the urge to use day by day, but the commitment not to use is a commitment to never use again. He can't go back. He just can't. When I had tried to quit in the past, I was prepared to fight it day by day, but I never really wanted to leave it forever. I just wanted to get through that one day. I never reconciled myself to the idea that this was something I would need to give up forever. I've deleted my bookmarks once again. I'm sure that 'never again' is the motto of every addict, but I think that 'never again' is something that you truly must reconcile yourself to. What I'm trying to say is... I fought a battle against pornography and pornography won. I'm defeated. The idea isn't to carry on the battle, but to leave the battlefield forever. Does that make any sense? I've decided on the full no PMO reboot. In past attempts, I would masturbate without porn as a way of relieving sexual tension, but I think it kept alive the habit of seeking escape through orgasm. It made the relapse inevitable because I hadn't accepted that you can't escape from your problems, you can only meet them. I want my next orgasm to be a coming together, not an escape. So it's day 3 and I feel optimistic. I think there's a sort of early high from quitting. Later will be a trough, maybe the dreaded flat-line. But I think that once you are ready to let the pain and the boredom and the fear in, you paradoxically don't need an escape from it. Good luck to us all.
Re: I'm done. Arthur - You are in good company here. And yes, 'leaving the battlefied' is your only remaining option at this point. Leave it behind....it is a soul-sucking, life devouring dead end. And yes. It is one grueling day at a time. There are many elements in your story I share - and so I think I can tell you that this will be difficult. Everything in your brain and body will tell you to rush back to Porn in a couple days. And you won't know why you are denying yourself. And that's when you log on to here....and reaffirm that you are doing it to get your life back. And then you close your laptop immediately - and get the fuck outside and go for a run, and smell the air, and stop the thought process that lead you to the porn originally.... Do this. We'll help.
Re: I'm done. Day 5 without PMO. This is near is around the point I normally give in. This is the point at which a little voice in my head says, hey, why not relieve a little tension. And then I'm lost in a epic porn bender. If I make it past 7 days, it will be the longest I've gone without viewing porn in maybe 3 years. I'm really starting to feel the absence. Pornographic memories just flash into head randomly. I recall scenes from videos with great clarity. It's almost like I have to keep an eye on my hands to make sure they don't just automatically go there. But I'm also feeling very positive. After only 5 days, I'm already feeling less anxious and withdrawn around people. I have so much more free time. I have less back pain because I'm not sitting still for hours. I sometimes feel like I have enough energy to go running and I'm thinking of getting a gym membership. I'm already looking at women differently. I feel a little spark of frisson when I'm near an attractive woman. When I have lusty thoughts, about half the time they are about real women I've met and not porn videos I've watched. This is really challenging, (really, really challenging), but I'm really feeling that's it worth it. I really want to make it past day 7 this time. I believe it's going to happen.
Re: I'm done. Great progress.....just concentrate on one day at a time...and take pride in your counter. Sometimes that is all I have that keeps me from caving....knowing that I would have to reset that counter. No way do I want to do that....
Re: I'm done. Do that. Run, go to the gym, run or walk in nature or on interesting city streets, bike, skateboard, scooter, whatever fills you up. Get moving. Physical motion, exercise, is one of the most useful anti-porn tactics ever. I'm still struggling, but thanks in some part, perhaps a large part, to getting more physical, I've gone from viewing P every 2-5 days to averaging around once every 12 days, during the last three months. Your instincts about this are right on the money. If you're still financially challenged, consider Planet Fitness if they have a gym in your area. Their basic membership is a flat fee of $10 a month, deducted from your checking account, typically far better than competing gyms. Ask them about any specials or discounts on their one-time sign-up fees; occasionally, they may offer $1 or $10 rates for those. If you don't have one of these locally, shop around for the best deal at a gym that's near your home or work, and one whose environment feels right for you.
Re: I'm done. Many things you mentioned in your opening post I can relate to, and I'm sure you couldn't shock anyone here. To some degree we all share the same story. Delta said, Everything in your brain and body will tell you to rush back to Porn in a couple days. And you won't know why you are denying yourself. I completely agree with that, however, past that point I experienced nothing. I felt nothing, didn't care about porn, sex, masturbation, and that scared the shit out of me. I wanted to just give it a tug, or take a peek at some porn to make sure everything was still working! I didn't, and kept coming back to this forum, making a few friends, getting notified of their posts, and it keeps me focused. I leaned about what I was feeling; I was flatlining. Anyway, one more thing that helps me. I don't resist anything. I look at it from the perspective that I choose to do something, instead of not doing it. Filling the time I used to PMO (like you ... hours and hours) was tough, but now I love it. I bike, I read, visit with friends and family, and my inward fear of being around people is gone. No doubt about it, it will be uncomfortable at times, but look at the goal.
Re: I'm done. Understood, arthurdarvill. I fell into this use of porn as a drug when my dad had a botched heart operation some 20+ years ago, and suddenly fell from healthy and vital into some who needed constant care, and whose life was woven tightly into his community, hundreds of miles away. And for whom I wasn't yet mature enough, patient enough, understanding enough, or experienced enough to give and arrange for that care, not nearly as much as I could have. One thing that's helped: despite our many emotional challenges together, many of them when he was sick, I loved and admired my dad, and can imagine him, feel him at times, wishing me well in this struggle. Is that a possibility for you as well, with the loss you experienced?
Re: I'm done. It gets better arthuradvill. It doesn't necessarily feel better, in fact there are times when it feels awful, but the longer you go without the drug, PMO, the better you will get. We've all had our lapses, and relapses. That's why everyone responding to you here has pretty well the same message "you don't have to do this alone." That's why we're here. You can do this.
Re: I'm done. Well, day 7 over. It's past time for bed and I can't sleep. Writing seems like a good way to keep my brain and hands from going into autopilot. The good news is I've made it through day 7 and I haven't cracked yet. I'd say the first week was a honeymoon period. I had a rush of energy from making a change in my life. I had a lot of moments where the desire to PMO was very strong and I really needed to snap myself into awareness of my thoughts and actions. There was one evening after some really disappointing news where I was anxious and fearful to the point that I was thinking, "Why not? It's not like you have anything left to lose." But each time I got past a craving with succumbing I felt better able to face the next test. I've gotten out of my apartment and talked to people a few times and I felt much less shy and more confident. Almost outgoing. I don't feel like I've got fog in my brain all the time anymore. The benefits of quitting are real. It's not the first time I've tried to quit, but this is the farthest I've gotten in quitting. I didn't know about nofap on previous attempts. Reading the posts here and at Your Brain On Porn has given me a wealth of knowledge to understand the problem. (And thank you to those who have read and/or commented on my posts. It helps.) In past attempts, I'd give up porn, but I'd still have lurid and pornographic masturbatory fantasies, and I think that made relapse inevitable. I think you get to a point with porn where you don't even need to watch porn to experience porn. It's like you've got a stash of porn videos in your brain. You could even be having sex with a girlfriend or wife and be watching your inner porn channel. So I'm doing the full no PMO and trying to avoid even fantasizing about porn. For the first few days, I could literally see the videos in my head as clear as if I had them on my monitor. And they would just pop up unexpectedly. But it's fading. The less you think about it, the less you remember it. In maybe not so good news, I think the honeymoon phase is over. I read one post in which the author described something almost like flu symptons during withdrawl. I'm definitely feeling a bit flu-like tonight. My mood has taken a downturn. Not in a oh-woe-is-me sort of way. I still feel positive about the future. It's just a drop in emotional energy. I'm really feeling the mundane and not at all thrilling nature of my everyday life. I've come face to face with the reality I've been avoiding: I need to live more! From what I've read, the next phase could be either flatline or an intense reappearance of craving as those porn circuits in my brain make a last ditch attempt to get a dopamine hit. Or maybe neither. Take it as it comes. I can't go back.
Re: I'm done. Great report, AD. You have figured out in 1 week what it has taken me 6 stubborn months to understand.
Re: I'm done. Thanks bright_eyes, but I have to give credit to everyone else who has posted on Your Brain Rebalanced. I didn't really understand what was wrong or how to change before coming here. I used to think I was totally alone in this and that even if there was someone like me, I wouldn't want to talk to such a crazy pervert, but I was wrong on both counts.
Re: I'm done. Day 12. Miserable. Low energy. Grumpy. More convinced than ever that this is the right path. Two types of cravings. One: physical desire for sexual release. It's frustrating but it can be mastered. Two: a craving for something to take away the boredom and the anxiety. This is tougher. My mind and hands want to go to all the familiar places to escape. Giving in would be easy. Fighting means living with the things I want to avoid. Last night was some real dark night of the soul stuff. Bad news keeps piling up. Consumed by jealously and anger as I see others sharing their happiness. I have an irrational desire to call up someone I haven't spoken to in years and tell them I'm miserable and lonely and fuck all their happiness and success. Why? What do I want from them? What do they owe me? It's just a desire for someone else to fix things that comes out as anger for some reason. But I can't delegate my pain to someone else while I'm relaxing on a beach. Got through last night by just letting the emotions wash over me. It sounds corny, but I just let myself feel. It wasn't fun, and it's still not fun today, but it's living and that's more than I felt 13 days ago when I just felt empty.
Re: I'm done. This process can kick up a lot of crap, Arthur. WELL worth sticking through it, though, as you're on your way to discovering. Twelve days is amazing, no? I found each additional week to be amazing and surprising as hell. I'd never gone more than a week without it either, before I started here. Stick around. Read and post often. Big changes coming.
Re: I'm done. Day 14 This is longer than I've gone for years. It's definitely the longest I've abstained since I've wanted to quit. I give a lot of the credit to Your Brain on Porn and Your Brain Rebalanced. It's really tough when you think you're alone and nobody else could ever understand. I see that some of my previous posts have been fairly dark. Well, I tend to post here when I'm struggling and typing is better than using my hands for other things. But I don't want to put anyone off who's thinking of trying nofap. So I'll mention a few of the positives... I don't feel brain-fogged all the time. I sometimes enjoy talking to people and don't feel panic and axiety about meeting people. I've been able to roll up my sleeves and get to work on fixing things that have needed fixing for a long time. I have way more free time. I have more focus and my thoughts feel like my own. I feel more connected to my body somehow... like I'm getting pleasure from simple things like a sunny day when before I was usually oblious to world around me. I can feel a rekindling of the emotional and sexual desires I remember from youth. Last night I had a dream that I was holding a girl's hand. It's been a long time since I've thought about how electric just touching a woman's hand can be. (Just 2 weeks ago [insert depraved fetish here] would have made me yawn with boredom!) I feel like I know things about myself I didn't know before and I've regained a little bit of hope. Hang in there people. It's in you to do this.
Re: I'm done. Feeling the fog clear away is one of my favourite parts of this reprogramming. Every day we can see things near us that were there all along, we just couldn't focus on them. Keep moving forward ArthurA!
Re: I'm done. AD wrote: LOL!! And yes, just holding hands can be electric - in dreams or in real life! It's terrific that you're rediscovering these pleasures ... "from simple things like a sunny day" and all the other good things out there! Just now, a flock of birds suddenly turned in a spash of wings and flapping noises, outside my window. Another one of those simple pleasures ...
Re: I'm done. I'm 1/5 of the way to my goal. A full 18 days completed. I'm heading into unkown territory here. I've just never gone this long without some combination of P, M, or O. Not since puberty. My mood is still up and down. Not sure if I'm flatlining or not. I've got morning wood, but the rest of the time, things are pretty quiet down there. I'm not sure what would happen if I tried to have sex now. I feel sexual interest but the equipment doesn't seem to react. I'm not too worried. I feel like my head is in the right place and everything else will follow soon enough. I don't think about porn as much as I did. Sometimes vivid memories will pop up. There was one video in particular I remembered, and then I felt sad because I would never see it again. It's a fairly innocent softcore video, but I like the actress in it. There is a part of me that doesn't want to accept the fact that the fantasy was just that. None of it was real. I didn't really know that actress or any of the girls I "knew" from porn. But it was an intense fantasy life that often provided feelings I no longer had in real life. It's almost like cutting yourself off from friends. But I know that even to start looking for videos, nevermind actually watching them, will bring me right back to square one. For me, there isn't such as a thing as one innocent little video. One video turns into 500GB of videos before I know what's happened. It really is goodbye forever if I want to have any sort of real life. So goodbye girls of porn. We just aren't right for each other.
