Journal for mutual support 3.0

Day 5

Headache comes and goes, it might be related to no PMO/caffeine after all.

Other than that I'm actually feeling pretty motivated to change my life around, I've been looking up some info on things I might do after the whole coronavirus circus settles down. There's still plenty of room for improvement but I can't expect everything to change overnight, it takes some time.

 

You got it bro! I was in the same boat the last 6 months but I’ve been doing so much better since the beginning of March! You just gotta find something positive to work towards and the rest will come. You’ve come this far and inspires all of us! Just keeping going bro. Always here to talk if you need to!

 

Hey man! Great to hear from you, and I'm glad you're going strong too.

You're right, I can't expect things to magically change just from 5-6 days of no PMO. I need more time clean, as well as more active work on improving my routine.

You can count on me too if you ever need to talk. Cheers!

 

Day 7

Had a dangerous moment this morning, when I entertained sexual thoughts for a while before getting out of bed. Overall though, the first week has been quite easy, with only mild cravings every now and then.

I have this persistent headache that refuses to go away, and it's really bringing me down today. Yesterday was quite a productive day but today I haven't done pretty much anything relevant yet.

 

Day 9-10

It's almost scary how easy it's been to refrain from PMO/MO these first 9-10 days. It's almost like there's something wrong going on and I'm not noticing it yet, or something that may happen soon. It truly makes me anxious.

This is the longest I've abstained from orgasm in a looong while. Even when I had some decent runs of 14 or 21 days I'd always beat my meat to fantasy every so often, while now I'm going cold turkey (so far, at least). I haven't peeked at all since I started this run, so this might be the reason why it's been so easy up to this point.

Anyway, just wanted to check in, keep the habit of journaling every few days. I hope everyone is going strong and have a great weekend.

 

Day 13 of no PMO

MO'd this morning. Instantly regretted it, even though there was no porn involved. Back on track immediately.

 

Day 23

Hello, everyone.

So today I had to check in here to see how many days it's been since my last PMO, as I'm barely keeping track of it. Glad to see I got past three weeks without even realizing.

Things haven't been perfect, I MO'd 3 or 4 times in the meantime, peeked at porn once or twice... Not ideal but I'll take what I can get.

Not much to say really, just wanted to write something down in order to keep the habit of journaling every now and then.

 

Hey Cid,

Hope you are doing well. I caught up to your journal and it seems that we have both been taking breaks from the forum. It seems that as of now you are in a good place. How did thing work out with the girl you were with before? You didn't mention her after the conversation that you had with her, so maybe it didn't work out? In any case, good to see that you are still motivated to do well. This COVID stuff definitely has had the opposite effect on many people that I know.

 

Hey Cham, nice to see you. Thanks for passing by.

Yeah thing didn't work out too well with that girl, we're no longer seeing each other. There was no drama fortunately, we just decided to part ways. As for the quarantine it is definetely making things more complicated for me, too much free time, can't go to the gym, can't meet up with friends... all things that make me more prone to use porn as an escape from reality.

Anyway, stay strong my friend, will be here if you need to talk.

 

Day 14

I kinda fucked up soon after my last update and decided to reset to day zero. It was mostly just edging to porn but it was a LOT, so I thought I'd be bullshitting myself if I didn't restart. Anyway, currently at two weeks clean again, which is nice.

 

Staying clean for 14 days after an edging session is pretty difficult. Well done!

 

Thanks, man!

 

Day 22

Still strong. Peeked a little bit this morning but nothing too bad. Nothing new to report either.

 

Nice! Keep us updated

 

Day ???

Didn't realize it's been that long since my last update.

I had a few slips here and there but haven't PMOd in a while again now. I honestly don't know what day of no PMO this is, but I'm probably way past 2 weeks without a relapse, maybe over a month or so.

I'm a bit in a rush now, so I'll write something more meaningful later on. I hope everyone is doing well too.

 

Day ???

Today I refused an invitation from this girl I'm seeing to go to her house (she lives alone) because it hasn't been that long since I relapsed, which means I have absolutely no hope of getting my damn dick up if it came down to it. I already failed to perform when we tried to have sex the first time, but managed to kinda blame it on all the wine we had drunk prior to it (not sure she even bought that completely, to be honest). If I failed again I think I would fucking hang myself. It also goes without saying that the added pressure doesn't help one bit, which is why I'm refusing the invitation. Considering how fickle women are, I don't doubt that I might've just buried this semblance of a relationship that we have by declining her invitation.

To add insult to injury, I got a notification from another post here in the forum, and realized my comment in there was from 2012. Nearly ten years of this shit and I'm still struggling with my own junk.

 

Hey man,

Let's step it back from the brink for a moment.

Like yourself I discovered YBOP and YBR in 2012/2013 and the last time I looked at P was a little over 2 weeks ago, I understand the frustration. It's only just recently I've felt like I've gotten hold of this shit properly.

Personally I have.. made countless journals and posts, read the YBOP book, tried meditation, exercise, all supplements imaginable. I've tried pursuing passions, trying MO without P, complete hardmode, a list of different jobs, morning routines, night routines, tried to join the Army, waking up in hospital after overdosed on sleeping pills, one night hook ups, 2 relationships, been to therapists, told people I know, read self help books, martial arts, watched self help videos and now I'm back at University for the second time - which frankly sometimes feels like a waste of time due to brain fog.

Almost all were direct means of trying to quit P. And despite all of these things and I've continually failed to stay away from P.

But recently I've been turning this ship around in big ways.


I want to work through this with you.

List for me the things you've done to try to quit since 2012.

 

Hey man. First of all, thanks for sharing your story. Sometimes we tend to forget we're not alone in this.

Your journey seems similar to mine. I started in 2012-2013 as well after stumbling upon YBOP by accident, had severe PIED, started rebooting with frequent relapses until I managed to reach those legendary 90+ days of no PMO. This made a permanent difference in my journey, as from there on withdrawal symptoms became much more manageable. I still go "Robot Mode" from time to time and relapse as an escape from anxiety and depression, but abstaining from porn isn't nearly as difficult and painful as it used to be. Back in the day the withdrawal was absolutely insane, there were moments I felt like an actual drug addict trying to shake off the urge for his fix.

I've been on and off therapy, as well as antidepressants. I had pretty good results with meds some years ago, they really helped me become more active and social, but I tried it again recently for pretty much zero result (different doctor and different meds). I was about to start therapy again early this year when the pandemic hit and I kinda just forgot about it, didn't want to do online sessions either. I started to feel a bit better eventually, but my mood swings drastically from one week to the next.

Right now I can go a few weeks without PMO without too much trouble... I sometimes even forget about it completely and suddenly realize that I haven't PMO'd in weeks. That being said, I also keep using PMO as an escape. I get anxious or sometimes bored to my mind and end up checking porn sites as a distraction, which eventually leads to relapse. Take this girl I'm (kinda) dating for instance. She was visiting her hometown and didn't know when she was coming back... I started creating scenarios in my mind where she wasn't coming back at all, or wouldn't want to see me anymore, so I ended up saying "fuck it" and relapsed. Now she came back and I'm just walking out of Relapseville, with no hope of being able to perform sexually until I'm clean at least for the week. The worst part is that this doesn't surprise me in the least because it has happened before.

Because of the pandemic I'm less social than ever, and not going to the gym either... Gyms have reopened recently in my area, but I'm not sure it's truly safe to go there yet. I work from home too so I'm constantly around my computer and phone, which are my gateways for pornography whenever anxiety hits. I used to have a blocker on my PC and it helped a lot, but it was an old software that doesn't seem to work on Windows 10.

To sum up, I've had big victories against PMO in the last years, but also failed to stick with it in the long run. Whenever the ship starts sinking I still go back to it for a moment of respite and solace. I think that would be the gist of it. Any input is more than welcome, and I thank you again for your support. It means a lot.

 

Shoot. I did reply to this but my internet was poor at the time so it obviously didn't come through. Anyway..

About therapy.. Did any of it have any positive benefit? I reluctantly have seen 2 therapists in the past (after the overdose) and now I'm seeing one who treats with EMDR. It seems to be working. The first time I saw proper penetration at age 11 I had a very strong shock reaction come over me and it wasn't until I did the EMDR that I stopped feeling those 'shivers' when thinking about that memory. I never put two and two together until last week but 80-90% of my P viewings have always been finding that 'perfect penetration' scene. Basically that's what I've been chasing ever since and now it feels more like something that I want to see, rather than something I need to see. It's like having an extra muscle to fight with when I'm craving. So I strongly suggest looking into your past and looking at the very first things you encountered to see if there's any relationship to the type of stuff you're watching now.

Yeah I'm on my PC all day most days also for study, it's very tricky working with technology while battling this addiction. I just go to the University library to study but it sounds like that a library wouldn't be an option for you right now. Are you able to go for runs or anything?

Yeah I'm the same way, I've had big victories but tend to relapse every 1-3 weeks. Unfortunately I came across a talk from Gary Wilson saying that a binge every 1-2 weeks may actually WORSE than daily or every-other-day use. Because at 1-2 weeks we are much more sensitive to the stimuli which strengthens the pathways greater than daily signalling.

 

Therapy helped me a lot actually. It helped me put some things into perspective and look at them rationally rather than emotionally. After some time, however, I started feeling like a broken record during sessions, always talking about the same things over and over until I decided not to go anymore, but is was definetely worth it overall.

I've acquired my most predominant fetish in a similar fashion (which I'm not going to disclose what it is to avoid triggering anyone). It's nothing too out of the ordinary, in fact it's a very common practice in porn videos. Anyway, when I was 13 or something I went to a friend's house who had the porn channel on his TV. This was before high speed internet had become widespread, and before porn sites as well, so the porn channel was a luxury at the time. His parents weren't home so we turned it on just for some laughs and out of curiosity. What showed up on screen was not just one or two people but many couples indulging in that specific fetish I mentioned. My teenage mind totally, completely, absolutely exploded in front of that. It instantly became the fetish that I carry to this day. It's what I like to see in porn and the best part of real sex for me as well. Again, it's nothing too extreme, but I'd rather not get into details as to avoid giving anyone any wrong ideas.

As for using your computer in public, that's definetely a great idea. My laptop is garbage though, so I use a desktop PC for everything instead. I could go for runs but honestly I'm just too lazy and unmotivated to do any kind of exercise that is not the gym, especially now that it is winter in my area.

I haven't seen that talk but I get where he's coming from. We're definetely more likely to binge and suffer from a stronger chase effect if we mess up after a few weeks. The feeling of frustration is usually worse as well... You look back and think that you could still be on a roll if it wasn't for those 15 minutes of poor judgement you just went through.