Journal for mutual support 3.0

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by CidGuerreiro, Nov 12, 2012.

  1. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    It really is a one day at time thing, just every other addiction. I know people who suffer from drug addiction and were able to be "healed" and they tell me that they aren't healed but will always be an addict..it is jus that now they have the ability to choose to say no. That's where we will be too, we won't ever go back to our pre-pmo days..though we all wish we could..we will just have to find a healthy place where we can make a daily choice to not f ourselves over. It's such a tough life to live, but unfortunately, we have to deal with the cards that we were dealt with.

    Hope that everything is well Cid, i'm sorry about your escort experience but I completely understand. I've been off this forum for about five months now..no real big changes, still rebooting, relapsing..it got pretty bad a few weeks ago where I actually had a bad physical reaction from PMoing (I suspect) and I freaked out so bad that I haven't even looked at prn in weeks. I'll probably update my journal at some point about it

    Just wanted to double check on you my friend
     
  2. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Hey Cham, thank you for your message. I'm sorry it took so long for me to reply, I've been having some severe brain fog lately and haven't checked the forum in over a month.

    You're right, addicted never truly "heal", but they can reach a point where their addiction is suppressed and no longer affects their lives. An alcoholic can never go back to drinking, but he can recover in a way that he doesn't think about alcohol most of the time. It's the same for us, though I suppose it's even more complicated since PMO is so closely related to sexuality. I doubt most people here would ever want to live as a monk and forego their sex lives entirely.

    How are you doing btw?
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2019
  3. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day ???

    Once again I find myself in a state where I can physically feel my brain completely drained out of its "happy juices" and asking for the only thing that could fire it up again: PMO. I'm not sad, just bored to my mind. This is often a relapsing point for me, when the world becomes black and white and my lizard brain starts pushing me towards PMO as an escape from the overwhelming boredom. I should probably leave the house but honestly, there's nothing to do outside either.

    I haven't checked the forum in over a month, so there's some news. The good news is that I finally went through with my plan of seeking professional help. I'm taking medication again, though it's still too soon to start feeling the benefits from it. I'm not having any bad side-effects either, which is great. Supposedly I'll start feeling better within the next two or three weeks. I also want to start a language course to push me into leaving the house at least once a week. It'll be good to learn something new as well.

    The not so good news is that my escort related habits have escalated to unusual heights. Nothing too insane but I definetely broke my "once a month rule". My libido's been pretty high lately after a very long flatline, and since I'm still way too antisocial to find a partner I ended up seeking escorts instead, as usual. To be perfectly honest though the only thing that makes me feel bad about it is the immense hole in my wallet. I could be saving up for travelling or whataver, but I keep sinking money into sex with strangers. Still, I won't pretend I regret ever going down that road because I don't (the exception being the two or three bad or just plain awful experiences I've had, and the ones where I couldn't perform becaue of PIED). As always, however, I'm not trying to advocate for the use of escorts.

    I think that's it for now. I opened the forum to distract myself from the cravings... Should probably turn my PC off for now, lol.

    I hope everyone is doing well. Have a good week, guys.
     
  4. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Hey bud,

    I am curious, when you say you are seeking professional help, is it help for specifically sex addiction? Or are you going for counseling in general. I'm asking because I don't believe that sex addiction has been recognized professionally - and I think it should. It's real. And for me, I never really considered myself a porn addict but rather a sex addict using porn to keep at bait.
    To be honest, as of lately, i have done alot and haven't been myself. Very much like you increasing your escort rate.
    I also feel you on the money. But our lizard brain seem to be able to overrride that pretty fast lol

    I should post on my journal about stuff going with me soon, it has been a while since I posted. But nonetheless, I haven't forgotten the forum.
     
  5. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Hey Cham.

    I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist about once a month, and taking medication as well. It's nothing too strong as I haven't felt a single effect until now, good or bad, but we've increased it from 50mg pills to 100mg pills, hopefully it'll make me more motivated and less lethargic in general. I should probably see a psychologist as well but right now I don't have it in me to spend the time and energy seeing one.

    As for sex addiction, I used to think of myself as a porn addict specifically, considering that for most of my adult life I subconsciously preferred porn over real sex. I say subconsciously because I wasn't really aware of that, it didn't even cross my mind until I became aware of porn addiction and how it affects so many people nowadays. This last month or so however, I've started to see myself as a sex addict rather than porn addict. I've gotten back to online dating (which isn't bad per se, but still) and I'm constantly thinking about escorts. I try to responsible with my money and save most of my salary for the future, but I also sink a gsignificant chunk of it on hookers, and would probably sink even more if I had more money. Part of me tells me to be responsible and save for the future, but the other part says "What are you even saving for?".

    Not gonna lie, this habit might be getting out of hand. It's not completely out of control, I'm not bleeding my savings to pay for it... But yeah, it's more than an occasional thing for me. I think about it way more than I should.
     
  6. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    About an hour ago I tried to schedule a hook up (escort) but the one I wanted wasn't available. I felt like an empty balloon after the failed attempt, and am currently slouching my way through the afternoon until it's time to get back to work. Basically lost any motivation to do anything right now if it's not related to sex.

    It's not the first time that I feel completely tunnel-visioned by the prospect of seeing an escort. In fact, I always text them and try to schedule my hook ups for the next 20 minutos or so because I hate the waiting after the thing is set. One time I scheduled a hook up for the next day and it was an absolute hell. I couldn't stop thinking about it, the anxiety was killing me from the inside. The hook up turned out to be great but the 24 hours or so in between setting the date and doing the deed were truly awful.

    I need to completely transform my life to a more proactive and overall more positive perspective if I want to let go of this habit. It's pretty fucking sad to say it but right now, hooking up with escorts it's one of the few things I have to look forward to. Everything else is just... there.
     
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  7. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Hello Cid,

    I also have a question about the escorts that you have being seeing. I've realized for me, novelty is my fetish. I want new experiences, and after having a sex with a girl once or twice. I've generally lost interest. This is definitely not a healthy habit to have since it causes to seek out new girls, which means getting on dating apps, taking them on dates, etc..
    which all cost money...
    Do you usually frequent the same escorts? Or do you go for someone new everytime?
    What is it that makes you want to see them? Do you crave their physical contact (girls in general) or do you just want to get a nut off?

    Here I am sounding like a therapist lol
     
  8. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Hey Cham. I think those are all great questions.

    I've repeated several (9? 10?) escorts over the years, up to 3 or 4 times with the same one. Those were the best ones I found so I felt like going back to them a few more times. It also gives me less anxiety to go for one I know is good rather than trying with a new one that might end up disappointing me. However, most times I'll go for a new one and I can't deny that novelty is the biggest reason for that.

    What makes me want to see an escorts... Several things, I'd say. One is that there's no dating BS, no need to go out first, keep her interested, make small talk over the week, none of that (and no rejection either). Another reason is that I can indulge my kinks without worrying about what she'll think of me... It's nothing extreme or bizarre, it's pretty common stuff in porn, but when you're with a "real" girl you usually won't do anything too out of the curve until you're very intimate with each other. I also don't have to worry about whether or not she'll enjoy the act since she's been paid to do it anyway, so I can just have my own fun instead of focus on pleasing her. Then I put my pants back, drop the money on the table and go back home to do whatever I want. No "pillow talk", no driving her back home... It's a time saver, really.

    While I definetely crave the physical contact and indulging on my kinks, I also miss the "companionship" you can only get with real women. Paying or not, there's always something missing, lol.
     
  9. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Update

    Hey guys, how are you all doing? I hope you're all well.

    I haven't checked the forum in a long while, which usually means I'm sunk deep into Relapseville but that's not the case now... Or at least it wasn't until about 15 minutes ago.

    I relapsed today, but before that happened I went well over two months without PMO, not even peeking or edging. I'm not sure if I've reached those legendary 90 days (which I have done before, as my longest streak ever was 93 days of no PMO), but I'm sure I stayed completely clean for at least 50 days, probably more. That was a great run so I'm not mad about the relapse.

    What caused me to relapse was some relationship problems... I've been dating this girl I met online, and while we're not officially BF and GF she told me today that she needs some time to figure things out. I took it well, we talked it out and even met today for some snuggling, but regardless it all added a ton of anxiety, which led me to use PMO as a momentary escape.

    This was just the trigger, though. I haven't been feeling so hot for a while now, I'm taking an antidepressant but even though my doctor doubled my daily dose it's still not doing jackshit, and it's been over two months. I need to see him again and ask for a different medication. I have zero motivation to do anything other than going to work and killing time at home, which is pretty bad, obviously.

    That's it for now, I'll take the time to check other people's updated later tonight. See you all soon.
     

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