Journal for mutual support 3.0

Day ???

Once again I find myself in a state where I can physically feel my brain completely drained out of its "happy juices" and asking for the only thing that could fire it up again: PMO. I'm not sad, just bored to my mind. This is often a relapsing point for me, when the world becomes black and white and my lizard brain starts pushing me towards PMO as an escape from the overwhelming boredom. I should probably leave the house but honestly, there's nothing to do outside either.

I haven't checked the forum in over a month, so there's some news. The good news is that I finally went through with my plan of seeking professional help. I'm taking medication again, though it's still too soon to start feeling the benefits from it. I'm not having any bad side-effects either, which is great. Supposedly I'll start feeling better within the next two or three weeks. I also want to start a language course to push me into leaving the house at least once a week. It'll be good to learn something new as well.

The not so good news is that my escort related habits have escalated to unusual heights. Nothing too insane but I definetely broke my "once a month rule". My libido's been pretty high lately after a very long flatline, and since I'm still way too antisocial to find a partner I ended up seeking escorts instead, as usual. To be perfectly honest though the only thing that makes me feel bad about it is the immense hole in my wallet. I could be saving up for travelling or whataver, but I keep sinking money into sex with strangers. Still, I won't pretend I regret ever going down that road because I don't (the exception being the two or three bad or just plain awful experiences I've had, and the ones where I couldn't perform becaue of PIED). As always, however, I'm not trying to advocate for the use of escorts.

I think that's it for now. I opened the forum to distract myself from the cravings... Should probably turn my PC off for now, lol.

I hope everyone is doing well. Have a good week, guys.

 

Hey bud,

I am curious, when you say you are seeking professional help, is it help for specifically sex addiction? Or are you going for counseling in general. I'm asking because I don't believe that sex addiction has been recognized professionally - and I think it should. It's real. And for me, I never really considered myself a porn addict but rather a sex addict using porn to keep at bait.
To be honest, as of lately, i have done alot and haven't been myself. Very much like you increasing your escort rate.
I also feel you on the money. But our lizard brain seem to be able to overrride that pretty fast lol

I should post on my journal about stuff going with me soon, it has been a while since I posted. But nonetheless, I haven't forgotten the forum.

 

Hey Cham.

I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist about once a month, and taking medication as well. It's nothing too strong as I haven't felt a single effect until now, good or bad, but we've increased it from 50mg pills to 100mg pills, hopefully it'll make me more motivated and less lethargic in general. I should probably see a psychologist as well but right now I don't have it in me to spend the time and energy seeing one.

As for sex addiction, I used to think of myself as a porn addict specifically, considering that for most of my adult life I subconsciously preferred porn over real sex. I say subconsciously because I wasn't really aware of that, it didn't even cross my mind until I became aware of porn addiction and how it affects so many people nowadays. This last month or so however, I've started to see myself as a sex addict rather than porn addict. I've gotten back to online dating (which isn't bad per se, but still) and I'm constantly thinking about escorts. I try to responsible with my money and save most of my salary for the future, but I also sink a gsignificant chunk of it on hookers, and would probably sink even more if I had more money. Part of me tells me to be responsible and save for the future, but the other part says "What are you even saving for?".

Not gonna lie, this habit might be getting out of hand. It's not completely out of control, I'm not bleeding my savings to pay for it... But yeah, it's more than an occasional thing for me. I think about it way more than I should.

 

About an hour ago I tried to schedule a hook up (escort) but the one I wanted wasn't available. I felt like an empty balloon after the failed attempt, and am currently slouching my way through the afternoon until it's time to get back to work. Basically lost any motivation to do anything right now if it's not related to sex.

It's not the first time that I feel completely tunnel-visioned by the prospect of seeing an escort. In fact, I always text them and try to schedule my hook ups for the next 20 minutos or so because I hate the waiting after the thing is set. One time I scheduled a hook up for the next day and it was an absolute hell. I couldn't stop thinking about it, the anxiety was killing me from the inside. The hook up turned out to be great but the 24 hours or so in between setting the date and doing the deed were truly awful.

I need to completely transform my life to a more proactive and overall more positive perspective if I want to let go of this habit. It's pretty fucking sad to say it but right now, hooking up with escorts it's one of the few things I have to look forward to. Everything else is just... there.

 

Hello Cid,

I also have a question about the escorts that you have being seeing. I've realized for me, novelty is my fetish. I want new experiences, and after having a sex with a girl once or twice. I've generally lost interest. This is definitely not a healthy habit to have since it causes to seek out new girls, which means getting on dating apps, taking them on dates, etc..
which all cost money...
Do you usually frequent the same escorts? Or do you go for someone new everytime?
What is it that makes you want to see them? Do you crave their physical contact (girls in general) or do you just want to get a nut off?

Here I am sounding like a therapist lol

 

Hey Cham. I think those are all great questions.

I've repeated several (9? 10?) escorts over the years, up to 3 or 4 times with the same one. Those were the best ones I found so I felt like going back to them a few more times. It also gives me less anxiety to go for one I know is good rather than trying with a new one that might end up disappointing me. However, most times I'll go for a new one and I can't deny that novelty is the biggest reason for that.

What makes me want to see an escorts... Several things, I'd say. One is that there's no dating BS, no need to go out first, keep her interested, make small talk over the week, none of that (and no rejection either). Another reason is that I can indulge my kinks without worrying about what she'll think of me... It's nothing extreme or bizarre, it's pretty common stuff in porn, but when you're with a "real" girl you usually won't do anything too out of the curve until you're very intimate with each other. I also don't have to worry about whether or not she'll enjoy the act since she's been paid to do it anyway, so I can just have my own fun instead of focus on pleasing her. Then I put my pants back, drop the money on the table and go back home to do whatever I want. No "pillow talk", no driving her back home... It's a time saver, really.

While I definetely crave the physical contact and indulging on my kinks, I also miss the "companionship" you can only get with real women. Paying or not, there's always something missing, lol.

 

Update

Hey guys, how are you all doing? I hope you're all well.

I haven't checked the forum in a long while, which usually means I'm sunk deep into Relapseville but that's not the case now... Or at least it wasn't until about 15 minutes ago.

I relapsed today, but before that happened I went well over two months without PMO, not even peeking or edging. I'm not sure if I've reached those legendary 90 days (which I have done before, as my longest streak ever was 93 days of no PMO), but I'm sure I stayed completely clean for at least 50 days, probably more. That was a great run so I'm not mad about the relapse.

What caused me to relapse was some relationship problems... I've been dating this girl I met online, and while we're not officially BF and GF she told me today that she needs some time to figure things out. I took it well, we talked it out and even met today for some snuggling, but regardless it all added a ton of anxiety, which led me to use PMO as a momentary escape.

This was just the trigger, though. I haven't been feeling so hot for a while now, I'm taking an antidepressant but even though my doctor doubled my daily dose it's still not doing jackshit, and it's been over two months. I need to see him again and ask for a different medication. I have zero motivation to do anything other than going to work and killing time at home, which is pretty bad, obviously.

That's it for now, I'll take the time to check other people's updated later tonight. See you all soon.

 

March 2020 Update

Hello everyone, how are you all doing today?

As you can see I'm still alive and I apologize for such a long break from the forum, just felt like I need some time to cool off.

As for an update, I wish I had something major to share but in all honesty I don't feel too distant from my last update a few months ago. Relapses to porn have been on the low and I don't feel that depressed right now (just bored most of the time), so that's good I guess.

One elephant in the room, as always, are the escorts. I recently visited my escort number 50 (yes, FIFTY). That's not even counting the times I've repeated escorts, I mean 50 different ones. Holy shit, am I right? I'll probably hit 100 if this goes on, and God knows how much money down the drain.

I still can't say I regret it though, I'd be lying if I did. I also can't say I intend to cut off on the escorts any time soon (unless I start a relationship) so it's kind of a moot point to even talk about them.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing fine. If anyone wants to talk, I'll be here.

 

If you are healthy enough try fasting it shall reduce the sexual urge. In Islam the remedy to adultery is either a marriage or fasting .I understand I might be hypocritical here as I myself don't fast except for ramadan. I cannot sleep without a pill so eating in the early morning becomes a big task as I will have to wake in between a sleep dose and then it would be difficult to fall back asleep at 4.30-5 in the morning . Help me also with some motivation to quit this PMO. I wish I should not have ended up seing an erotic ad on internet when I was just 13-14 and din't even know why my pennis got erected and I got some pleasure. Back then I don't even knew what porn was until I turned 17-18. This thing has really costed me life. I am weak. Insomniac with social anxiety and low motivation. Even jobless for that matter.

 

Hi Mickeymouse. Thank you for your post and welcome to my journal.

From what you said, it seems like the most obvious steps should be 1) getting a job, and 2) fixing your sleeping routine (which should be easier once you have a job). Having a steady job did wonders for me, I spend less time procrastinating at home, I have responsabilities to worry about, I have people around me more often... Being unemployed sucks, and it makes it all too easy to resort to porn when you don't have anything better to do.

I know it's easier said than done but to quit porn, it is my opinion that finding a job should be your number one priority. This should help you sleep better too, and hopefully without the aid of pills. Just my opinion though, feel free to elaborate further. Talk to you soon.

 

Currently at home because of the Coronavirus outbreak. Gonna be hard to avoid PMO with so many days indoors!

 

Day 10 or something

Not much going on, other than an overwhelming boredom. This has been a trigger for me for a long time, feeling so bored that I end up PMOing for lack of anything better to do. This quarentine isn't helping either.

I am in fact so bored that I have many options of entertainment, but nothing seems attractive. Ugh.

Here's hoping other people are faring a little better than I am, and staying safe as well.

 

Hey, I can relate to being bored because of having to stay at home a lot more right now. And having to deal with cravings that come simply from having a better opportunity to act out (all this time). So it's definitely trickier now to stay on the right path.

Are there things that you would enjoy doing and for a long time wanted to do but didn't have the time for ? Are there books you would like to read, movies to see ? Or maybe explore a hobby ? Another thing that could help would be to organize/clean/re-arrange your place ?

These are all less fun then a good old binge, but after we manage to start doing them we start feeling better and the boredom lifts somewhat.

A trick that has been helping me this week in order to actually do some of these things was to write down a few of them on a paper the night before (a list). And try to check mark them the next day.

Best of luck !

 

Hey there!

It's just like you said, being home so much makes it much harder to resist the cravings. I also have too much free time in my hands, which doesn't help one bit.

I like your idea of organizing a schedule for the day. Self-discipline should help a lot with the slacking that often leads to PMO cravings and relapses. I'll think about it, see if I can organize my thoughts for the next day.

Thank you for the support, I really appreciate it.

 

DAY ONE OF A NEW JOURNEY!

Greetings to all possible readers, new and old.

So today is the 18th of May and I'm currently retaking my No Fap journey. Before we get there, some context.

These last few weeks, maybe even months, I've been feeling pretty depressed and anxious. I've been doubting and questioning myself in a negative way, constantly comparing myself to others and not feeling proud about anything I do. Energy levels have been at an all-time low, with me waking up at noon most days, not going to the gym (quarantine is also at fault), playing too much videogames while only getting a sliver of enjoyment out of it... In other words, I've been completely lost, with no clear goals or a plan on how to get out of the abyss. Needless to say, my PMO usage has been high as well, with only a few days in between relapses.

Today, it finally hit me. I feel taken back to 2013, when I realized that porn addiction was at the core of all my problems. Everything leads back to it, the lack of energy, lack of goals, emotional detachment... Clinging to a lifestyle of quick gratification, living life to the minimum because anything different would take me away from the object of my addiction. I want the energy to make plans again, to feel excited about things, about the future... I want it badly.

This is probably the worst time possible to No Fap. Freakin' quarantine keeping me at home (I've been working from home as well), gyms closed until recently, can't meet up with friends... But I need to try. I need to do my best regardles of the circumstances.

That's it for now, gentlemen. I wish everyone the strenght to carry on with your journeys and personal growth. As always, all comments and opinions are more than welcome.

 

Yeah I also recently felt (again) how the relapsing is just a pit and it's a problem that doesn't go away by ignoring it. Actually it makes it much harder to improve one's life, not to say probably impossible.

I wish you luck and strength on taking the journey again !

I think the quarantine is tricky at first, since we are at home a lot - however - once we do get some clean days in, it can be easier to maintain a streak as well - since life is a bit less stressful in some ways right now. At least, there is less social stressors.

 

@Thelongwayhome27: hey there, thank you for your input.

Indeed, porn addiction isn't something you can simply roll with, you need to take action against it. I've been ignoring it almost completely in the past few months. I avoided binges after relapsing but that was pretty much it, no real plan to remove the need for pornography out of my life.

I also wish you the best in journey, my friend. We can all do this and become better versions of ourselves.

 

Day 2

Nothing major to report but I want to keep the habit of journaling at least every other day. First two days have been smooth sailing but I've been here before, I know things only start to get rough around days 4 to 7. We'll see how it goes.

I've also decided to cut off on coffee for a while. I consume ridiculous amount of coffee per day, and I really feel like it's having an impact on my anxiety. I might have green tea every now and then (which also contains caffeine) but that'll be it.

 

Coffee is one of those things that can make urges harder to resist since we are more "jolted". For me, feeling high mood can precipitate a relapse. It's hard not to have a coffee in the morning since I really love it - but I try to stick at only one. I used to drink quite a few a day, and if I would only listen to my desire, I'd have another in the afternoon for sure.

It's great to take a complete break from it though and green tea is a super healthy choice.

Keeping the habit of journaling more often can be nice to feel committed. Good luck on your first week clean, you got this !

 

Day 3

Had a bitch of a headache throughout the entire day. Can't tell if it's related to no PMO/caffeine, it might be just a random thing.

Since yesterday however I've been feeling much better than I have in a long while. Obviously it's too early to reap tangible benefits from No Fap, but simply working to improve myself is already making me feel better.

I also stumbled upon some "dopamine detox" videos on Youtube. I've always been skeptic of those detox things, but the symptoms really match what I've been feeling for the past few months or so. No interest in anything, no pleasure from anything, low libido, brain fog... I might give it a shot, starting with porn and caffeine, while also reducing gaming to only a few hours on weekends.