Journal for mutual support 3.0

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by CidGuerreiro, Nov 12, 2012.

  1. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Hi all, just read through your most recent couple of pages cid, and I have to say I’m down to take part in this no fap streak. I’ve been struggling with this whole thing for a while and today I finally snapped: I knew I needed to sign up to this forum. I’ll be checking back regularly to see how you’re all doing boys, best of luck!
  2. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Hi @UK Don, welcome to the forum and to my journal.

    Starting off is always the hardest part, we've indocrinated ourselves to give in to our impulses whenever our brains demand that we do so, so going against that can be very difficult, and the times we screw up can be very frustrating as well. By all means, feel free to ask us anything, I'm sure everyone will be happy to respond to the best of their abilities, myself included.
    UK Don likes this.
  3. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day 22

    I'd like to apologize for not uploading more often and for not checking up everyone's journals as well. I've been having a killing migraine these last few days, with some brain fog on top of it. Not sure what was the cause but is seems to be going away finally.

    Over the last 20+ days I only had a minor slip where I edged to porn for a little while, but managed to stop mysel before any more harm was done. On the bright side, I've been hitting the gym more often, which has always been something essential for me. I hate feeling lazy and unmotivated to work out.

    My thoughts are still all over the place so I'll keep this short, might post something again later. I hope everyone is doing well.
  4. Big Lebowski

    Big Lebowski Member

    Hi Cid, good too see yourself keeping busy, that’s what matters most. Man, the brain fog symptom! I personally have had that symptom since I joined YBR way back in late 2012/2013. Where I’m at now I honestly believe that it’s a withdrawal symptom from porn, you can find info on these forums about withdrawal it’s a very nasty place to be. Good news is it does clear up after a while and you do get your cognition back to baseline.
  5. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Not looking forward to these brain fogs, I think for me I get them most when I am deep in the PMO cycle. Typically, when I abstain from porn for a while, I get easily distracted and can't concentrate because of my urges, but they feel different from brain fogs when I actually feel like I"m dumb as rock and can't make the simplest deductions. Almost like when someone is exhausted and can't think straight.

    Let's keep it going boys
    Big Lebowski likes this.
  6. Big Lebowski

    Big Lebowski Member

    I can’t even begin to describe how mentally incompetent I have been since 2011 and even then since secondary school, since I had porn in my life. Brain fog gradually increases in severity the more deeper you go with porn. I felt like a zombie a few years back and I feel I’m a whole new person now who can not recognise my old identity, it even sickens me how I was.
  7. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    @Big Lebowski: Hey man, nice seeing you here. Indeed, withdrawal from any addiction brings up all sorts of nasty things like headaches and brain fogs, and insomnia too. That turns into lack of focus, little motivation to do stuff... The list goes on.

    @Chammorrow: I've noticed that some time without porn helps me clear my mind of the fog, but after some time more I always end up getting it again. Usually around the 14-21 days mark, my brain gets infested with porn fantasies and sexual thoughts, it becomes hard to concentrate for long periods of time. That's when I start feeling the need to simply look at porn, just to get a quick fix from the brain fog. It sucks.

    Anyway guys, I don't have any major updates right now but I'm still clean, haven't relapsed in over a month, I think. I also didn't have any minor slips (peeking, edging) since last time, which was some time ago. Not feeleing any major cravings either. So far so good!
    CJJackson likes this.
  8. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day 51, I think

    Wtf, according to my calculations it's been 51 days since I last had a full blown PMO relapse. Time sure flew by. I did however have 2 or 3 moments where I edged to porn, but managed to pull myself out of it before it was too late.

    Anyway, I'd like to apologize for not updating my journal all that often, even though I was the one who came up with the group challenge. I've been working some extra hours this month, internet hasn't been helping, and I think the brain fog is still there at times, which makes it difficult for me to write down my thoughts in a cohesive manner.

    I've been felling pretty "ok" lately, in that I don't feel great or awful in any regard. I've finally managed to fix my sleeping routine (most of the time) and I'm waking up earlier even though I don't really have to. I become more productive and have more energy throughout the day if I sleep before midnight and wake up around 8, whereas staying up late makes me feel like shit until the evening. I've been hitting the gym 5 times a week, doing cardio at least twice a week, and staying true to my diet.

    Not sure what else there is to say. I'm still quite antisocial, which sucks a lot, but I'm already coming up with ways to fix that too. Hopefully this self-inflicted isolation won't last for much longer.

    How about you guys? I'd like to hear from you all too.
  9. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day Zero

    Well, shit.

    I'm writing this fresh out of a relapse. It's late now so I'll talk about it tomorrow... Right now the most important thing is to not f*ck myself over and binge.
  10. CJJackson

    CJJackson Active Member

    Just try not to binge man I had a rough night on Saturday but after a few days you get back on your feet. Stay strong bro and feel free to message me if you need to talk
    CidGuerreiro likes this.
  11. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day Zeeeero

    Got to about 5 days clean, then relapsed. Totally used PMO as an escape for frustration and anxiety. I get into robot mode and just start searching for something that might've triggered my curiosity, until it all goes to shit. Doesn't matter though, I know the drill, it takes some trial and error before I get the ball rolling into a long run.

    I've also been thinking too much about escorts, which makes it hard for me to stay clean. I know however that it's a waste of time and money to visit one when I've just relapsed. Hitting the brothel always suck if I go there without any real libido, just because I keep obsessing about it. And it's probably something I should avoid anyway... At least those relapses save me some money.

    I hope everyone else is doing ok.
  12. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day Zero

    Got to about a week clean, then blew it today. These last few days haven't been exactly great, to say the least. Nothing particulary wrong in my life right now, but the isolation from the rest of the world brings me down badly at times. I haven't had any PMO binges though, which is good.

    I need to start doing more things that push me out of the house. That's my next big step for this semester.
  13. CJJackson

    CJJackson Active Member

    Yeah man staying busy is key. I also think when you have a lot going for you and incorporate positive things in you life it almost gives you added motivation to keep going. Just the thought of bettering your life and being proud of the progress you’ve already made has helped me a lot.
  14. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day 10

    Kind of a shit day. I visited an escort with the single purpose of relaxing from all the week's stress, but walked out of there not feeling any more relaxed, and like I only wasted time and money. It's the same old song, after over a month thinking about it, I went to the usual place without really feeling like I wanted to... Had the "manager" parade all the girls in front of me and picked one to go to the bedroom with. She was nice and really knew her craft but immediately upon getting to the bedroom I felt like she wasn't as attractive as I first thought, so I ended up regretting my choice and kinad wanted to get out of there. Should have chosen another one.

    That's the third time this year I visit an escort, and all three times were pretty "meh". I've had some amazing experiences in the past but Idk anymore. Maybe it's just that I regretted my choice and that it hasn't been really long since I last PMO'd... I don't even know what to think anymore. Part of me wishes I'd stop visiting escorts completely, but a bigger part of me thinks it's the only way I can get laid with my current lifestyle. My self-esteem has been lower than usual lately.
  15. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey guys. I don't know if I'm happy or not to see you guys still here - but I have been hanging around this forum since 2013/2014 on an account 'Universal'. It's good? in some sense to see familiar people. I'm in much the same boat it seems as others here.. I've been trying to reboot for 6ish years and though I've had some decent streaks, I'm still very deep in this addiction - I've gone 100 days no p in the past but I haven't done the full 90 days hardmode.. Still have PIED and all of the other fun symptoms. I've been offline for a long time, but I'm back until I've kicked for good I know my reboot is going to be very similar to the nature of fugu's or 40new30's.. Likely up to 2 years to completely recovery with no porn, severly restricted M and restricting O's with a partner.

    You know, the strangest thing is from about the first year or 2 of trying to recovery I haven't made anymore 'grand realizations' it seems to always return to the same thing.. Live clean, exercise, meditate, don't get too stressed, don't peek, do things you enjoy, don't surf the internet and stay busy. The sad thing is that it only takes the most minor of setbacks to end up back on p.

    Here's to finishing this shit,
  16. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Hi Tyr, welcome to the forum and to my journal.

    Before we go any further, let me tell you that 100 days without porn is an AMAZING accomplishment. Try not to obsess too much with 90 days "cold turkey"... There's a lot of myth around those legendary 90 days, and different opinions on whether or not complete abstinence from orgasm is really the way to go. There are people in this forum who went over 100 days or even an entire year without orgaming, and they haven't reached a higher plance of existence or anything like that. Some of them even report feeling kinda depressed from the lack of sexual activity in their lives, which is a natural human need. If you want my opinion, porn is the real enemy here, so as long as you stay away from it, you're making progress, even if it sometimes feels like you're not. Also, rebooting isn't just about whether or not you bust a nut here and there, or how long you can keep in partial or full abstienence. From my experience, true rebooting comes from fixing your life altogether, changing the lifestyle that has led you to overconsume pornography and fix the things that make you unhappy. As far as the orgasm things goes, you have to find out what works best for YOU (especially if you have a steady partner).

    Also, and it easier said than done, don't kick yourself too much over relapses. Again, as long as you're working on yourself and staying away from porn, you're doing good. A reboot doesn't have to be perfect, mistakes are normal and even expected. You can learn from your mistakes, identify your triggers and the things that usually push you back into porn. For me it's browsing the internet late at night, feeling sorry for myself, this kind of thing.

    Have you started your own journal? By all means, feel free to share your thoughs here, but it would be benefitial to you to have your own space as well. We're all in the same boat here, and we're all very lack that we can support each other to help us through our recoveries.

    Best of luck, my friend.
    Mekkeren likes this.
  17. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey man,

    Yeah I do realize there is a lot of dogma about exact methods of rebooting, the best I ever feel though is when I go dormant for stretches at a time. 100% with you on porn being the real enemy, any day without it is real progress.

    What have you found most valuable to improving your life so far? For me it's goal setting, daily structure (circadian rhythm) and meditation.

    I have started a journal, I'll be in the 20-24 section for another year.

    Thank you friend. Hope to see everyone here keeps getting better. I'll take some time to read-through and familiarize myself with the folks here.
  18. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Tough question, and I don't think there even is one answer that would suit everyone.

    I believe the most important thing is to change the lifestyle that has drawn us to the addiction. I have a strong tendency to isolate myself from everything and everyone around me, so for me becoming more social is a key aspect of recovery. Excessive use of the internet has always been an issue as well.

    I also believe people become addicted to porn, alcohol and whatnot to 1) fulfill the void in their lives, and 2) numb the pain caused by said void. Once you start filling that void with something other than numbness and instant gratification, the object of your addiction starts to become less and less necessary. You won't need porn if you have things that actually make you happy and proactive. If you don't, that's when we feel compelled to escape from our lives instead of enjoying them.

    Setting goals is a great start though. There's a reason why addicts follow the "one day at the time" mindset. You have to live through the day before you think of 90 days or an entire life clean.
  19. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    It really is a one day at time thing, just every other addiction. I know people who suffer from drug addiction and were able to be "healed" and they tell me that they aren't healed but will always be an is jus that now they have the ability to choose to say no. That's where we will be too, we won't ever go back to our pre-pmo days..though we all wish we could..we will just have to find a healthy place where we can make a daily choice to not f ourselves over. It's such a tough life to live, but unfortunately, we have to deal with the cards that we were dealt with.

    Hope that everything is well Cid, i'm sorry about your escort experience but I completely understand. I've been off this forum for about five months real big changes, still rebooting, got pretty bad a few weeks ago where I actually had a bad physical reaction from PMoing (I suspect) and I freaked out so bad that I haven't even looked at prn in weeks. I'll probably update my journal at some point about it

    Just wanted to double check on you my friend
  20. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Hey Cham, thank you for your message. I'm sorry it took so long for me to reply, I've been having some severe brain fog lately and haven't checked the forum in over a month.

    You're right, addicted never truly "heal", but they can reach a point where their addiction is suppressed and no longer affects their lives. An alcoholic can never go back to drinking, but he can recover in a way that he doesn't think about alcohol most of the time. It's the same for us, though I suppose it's even more complicated since PMO is so closely related to sexuality. I doubt most people here would ever want to live as a monk and forego their sex lives entirely.

    How are you doing btw?
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2019

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