Journal for mutual support 3.0

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by CidGuerreiro, Nov 12, 2012.

  1. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Congrats on the job, man.

    How's things on the no-porn journey?
     
  2. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Thank, man! I'm really happy with my job right now. My co-workers are great and so is my boss. I'm really lucky to have such a healthy and supportive work environment after such a long time without a formal job.

    As for the porn, I'll be honest: it could be better. A lot better in fact. I've always relied on K9 (internet filtering software) to block porn on my PC and stop me from peeking (which usually escalates to edging and relapsing), but apparently they've never updated the software to Windows 10. My PC is completely unblocked now, so I have to rely entirely on my own willpower and discipline to keep my shit together and not start peeking at porn.

    Another thing is that I've been very anti-social, even more than normal. I basically never leave the house for anything other than going to work and hitting the gym. My entire life happens in a radius of maybe three blocks. This is really, really bad. I need to do something about it soon or else I'll never find reason to not jerk off to porn since I'm isolated in my room all the time.

    Anyway, thanks for passing by, I hope you are doing well!
     
  3. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Holy fucking shit [LONG POST AHEAD]


    This week I visited 2 escorts in the span of 3 days. Saw one on the Thursday, then went back for another one today (Saturday).

    Here's what happened. I was felling extremely frustrated for not having any sex lately, so of course I took the easiest route to fix that. I went to my usual place without making an appointment through the website, so the "manager" (i.e. the pimp) had all the girls parade in front of me so I could pick one. That's when this 9/10 blonde walks past me, smiles and all, and I want to choose her but she wasn't available for the hour. I ended up choosing an 8/10 brunette, she was really nice and we had a lot of fun. However I couldn't stop thinking about the blonde, and they told me she was going to leave this weekend, so I went back there to see her before that. It was also a lot of fun, even though I had some performance issues.


    I'll be honest, I do feel a bit... I don't know, ashamed? You know that feeling after you relapse to porn, when you're no longer horny and realize how excessive your behaviour was? That's how I feel. Two escorts in three days is just... madness.

    Also being honest though, I can't say I regret it. In fact, I don't regret most of the 27 escorts I've been with to this day (I only regret the bad ones). I know this is a bad habit, and I do realize how privileged I am that I can just burn away money with dumb shit like that (with those two alone I spent the equivalent to 110 dollars), but I just can't bring myself to regret it or convince myself that it would be better for me not see any escorts anymore. I've had a bunch of amazing experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise, since those 8's and 9's and even the occasional 10/10 wouldn't give me a second glance if I wasn't paying for their time.

    I often get a ton of compliments from them, like "omg you're so young and handsome, so fit, blah blah blah" and I can tell when they're being honest, believe me, it shows... Most of their customers are middle-aged men trying to get away from their shitty marriages, so of course I stand out among them... I even had multiple escorts bang me for free after I met them through their services, just because they actually wanted to spend time with me. More often than not it's just a massive boost to my ego when I go there, those two in particular were super flirty, both gave me their real names and instagrams so we could keep in touch.


    All that being said, I still have self-esteem issues most of the time, and paying for sex is how I get past all the shit that tests my confidence and go straight for what matters. It's faster and easier, and not to sound like a mysoginist or anything but right now sex is the only thing I'd be interested on anyway, so... Just cut the crap and get straight to it. Most women either bore me to death and/or aren't attractive enough for me to bother chasing them... Most quality women are taken and I'd rather just stay single than get into a relationship with a girl I don't like just for the sake of it. I probably don't have to say it but paying for escorts probably shaped/warped my views on dating... I'd love to have a steady girlfriend but pretty much gave up on finding one in my city.


    Anyway, I just felt like venting on the matter, and this is the only place I have to do so. As always I'm fully open to all opinions on the subject, even to those who disagree with what I'm doing.
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2018
  4. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Bro, I don't blame on for that at all. I was honestly expecting the escorts (especially if they are as hot as you say) to cost more than $110. I know people that spend $300+ on shoes, so the money may not be the biggest deal. However, like you alluded to, being with those escorts may have skewed the way you see women..but honestly bro, maybe that's in a good way. Maybe girls aren't worth all this trouble..they are definitely some great ones out there, I met a few of them. Erika Alexandra being an example..but as I'm getting older, I am seeing that the girls that I really want are out of my reach in different ways and maybe I should just focus on myself. I feel like dating now is just going through the motions, and we keep waiting for that ONE woman to come and blow it out of the water but I don't think that girls like that can be found on dating apps or bars. I think those super high quality women are met in real life situations or through mutual friends and those are things that we can't control..so the best thing to do is to live life improving, being happy, and achieving our goals and maybe that quality women meant for us will come by at the opportune time.

    It's nice to hear from you bro let's keep moving
     
  5. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Well done for seeing escorts :)

    Contrary to what a lot of other people may say and their fake moralism or how it is cheating or whatever, I encourage it. It is simply a phase. And every phase of life must be committed to with TOTALITY. No half-in half out.

    I saw some escorts during a period of my life. Seeing those escorts healed me and healed some bad convictions I had about women. If it weren't for those escorts I never would have had the belief that women are human beings, are beautiful, are flawed whilst also being perfect to us men at the same time, and that each women is different.

    Escorts were one of the healing transformations that made me come to my current conclusions on the absurdity on pickup (as it is currently taught) and the thought streams many hurt men have that all women are "evil liars manipulators don't care heartless cheaters sluts just-take-your-money and go." Indeed, many have blinders on that this in itself is just a belief and whilst some women do fit this category, it is seriously over blown.

    Escorts healed me. See them with your own honest and have lots of fun! You will learn a lot about yourself :)
     
  6. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Yes most PUA is very tragic. I agree its built on alot of "cover up" behaviours of lack of authenticity, predatory style of mindset, ego hollering based on the amount of girls you sleep with, all about attempting to be cool from a place of feeling hate towards oneself.

    Even though i say this, it has helped many. Even if it just "helps" them to see what an illusion it is.

    Hmmm.....we probably need to define what PUA is though first!
     
  7. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    'Addictions' so to speak are simple to understand: a person is just doing their best to feel better.

    Certain substances like alcohol and drugs have been branded by society as harsh if over used. Too much desire for sex is seen as deviant.

    Its just what society has given.

    Best check in with oneself and ones gut feeling and judge from there. One should always listen to themselves.
     
  8. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Wasn't expecting to spark a debate, but I'm glad we can all share our opinions in a civilized manner. Like I said before, I'm always open to hear from everyone, even those who disagree with my line of thinking and acting.

    @Chammorrow: prostitution is legal in my country, which causes the prices to drop. It's also nowhere near as sketchy as it is in countries like the US for example, where prostitution is illegal and has to be done in secrecy. As for how hot those women are, beauty is very subjective of course, but I don't think any of them would be considered less than a 7/10 by most guys. Beautiful women are not rare to find where I live but to actually get to them might not be so simple, as in our oversexualized society attractive women get to choose between dozens of men who are constantly wooing them.

    Anyway, I actually agree with you. Most women are not worth the trouble and have little more to offer than 20 minutes of vagina every now and then. That probably sounds very misoginistic but it's the sad truth. Maybe women also think that most men aren't worth the trouble, I don't know, but I want to be a guy who is worth the trouble... However the chances of getting the same in return from a woman are slim to say the least. Most women (and I honestly think women are worse than men in that regard) expect a lot from their partners while giving very little in return. No one is talking about this in our current feminist era, but men all around the world are crushed under ridiculous expectations when it comes to dating. Even average looking women expect to be pursued and, more often that not, treated like queens while giving very little in return.

    I also agree that there are a few great women out there, however most are taken as they can choose pretty much any guy they want. To meet one of those is a stroke of luck since, like you said, you're not likely to find them on Tinder.

    @Johhny Bravo: I'd be lying if I said that nothing good ever came to me from using escorts. Yes, it warped my views on relationships but who knows, maybe it brought me closer to the truth than I was before?

    I was a late virgin and had my first time with an escort at age 19. Needless to say I was EXTREMELY sexually frustrated, like sex was a whole world of wonder that I simply couldn't get into. Using escorts allowed me into this world, and gave me the confidence to have sex with regular women as well. When I finally started to have sex without paying for it, I was prepared, and it was great. This is one of many reasons why I simply cannot regret my decision to start paying for sex. It helped me to get the frustration out of my system and gave me confidence to do it with regular women as well.

    Like everything else in life, escorts have good and bad things that come with the whole package.

    @Raskolnikov: you are quite right. Men and women as well are consuming more porn and escorts than ever, and having less sex than ever. It has become easy for us to replace real human interactions with artificial ones, like a business transaction or a computer screen. I can't deny that this is what I do as well... Hiring an escort is easier, faster and to some extent better than going after a real women, as escorts are more attractive and better in bed than your average girl. The only thing I miss is the "emotional" part so to speak, like talking about things, cuddling and doing thins together that are not related to sex... There always an 'itch" for those things that escorts simply cannot scratch.

    However, most of the time I simply cannot be arsed to chase girls who I couldn't care less about just to get my noodle wet, and to satisfy society's pressure that I MUST be dating at all times or else I'm a loser.

    I think for now I should focus on myself more. I've been thinking about doing therapty again, before my depressiong gets worse. We'll see.



    Thank you all for commenting. I hope you all have a nice weekend :)
     
  9. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    I don't think having many partners is a problem, but a symptom instead. For men it's that we're constantly pushed into having sex, society measures the worth of a man on things like how much he earns a month, what car does he drive and, of course, how many women he sleeps with. A 20+ year-old virgin woman is treated like the Holy Grail, but a man in that same situation is immediately perceived as a "loser".

    I don't think it's wrong to have multiple partners, relationships are complicated and sometimes all you want is to get that urge out of your system without compromising. That, or you get involved with someone but it simply doesn't work out (again, relationships are very complicated). That is ok. However, like previously discussed men and women are pushed into having sex for stupid reasons and for the "thrill" of it more than the pleasure of the act. We're the generation of instant gratification, we want everything and we want it now. Even when most people get into a relationship, it's usually for the instant gratification aspect and not because they truly want to share their lives with another person. Boyfriends and girlfriends have become disposable, most people will break up with their BFs/GFs or simply cheat on them the instant something more exciting is presented to them. I also think women are significantly more guilty of keeping boyfriends for the sake of convenience, to drive them around, pay for stuff and to show him off to their female friends.

    I can most certainly find a woman without paying for it, I've dated a lot and had a few (kind of) serious GFs. Like I said though, I don't want to get involved with someone I don't like/care for. There's little cultural variation where I live so everyone is set on a similar mindset. In fact, one of the reasons I decided I don't want a girlfriend right now is to travel freely, move abroad for some time and see the world. There's so much more in this world than just Nowheresville, South America, and I'm not letting some random person who happens to have a vagina keep me stuck in here.

    Anyway, thank you again for your input, Raskolnikov. I too wish you all the best on this journey, hope to hear from you soon.
     
  10. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    This really spoke to me, thanks for taking the time to write it.
     
  11. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Glad to be helpful, buddy. It's a journal for *mutual* support after all :)
     
  12. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day Zero

    Full blown PMO relapse today. Did it from start to end, can't even pretend it was "just edging".

    This has been the case for a while now. I go for about a week without any cravings, then one day I get so bored with everything, I take refuge into porn. It's like an injection of excitement right into my brain. I don't even enjoy it that much to be honest... It's nothing like that massive rush of dopamine I used to get back in the day. But it's enough to distract me from the overwhelming boredom of life.

    I blame it on two things: first, my PC is no longer blocked. Apparently the software I used to rely on is not compatible with Windows 10, so I don't have the blocker to save me from those 5 seconds of stupidty. Second, I've been extremely antisocial. I only leave the house to go to work and hit the gym. Other than that I have no social life, no social interaction of any kind, always at home. This is simply awful for people who struggle with depression and anxiety.

    I've been thinking about going to therapy again, talking to a psychiatrist... Take care of my mental health before it gets worse. I also need more activities to get me out of the house.

    That's it for now. I hope everyone is doing well.
     
    Big Lebowski and yearofchange like this.
  13. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day Zero

    I'll be honest, this is the worse I've been in quite a while. Cannot keep my shit together for more than a week or so.

    It's the same old movie, really. I keep going back to porn because my life is this empty void where exciting and fulfilling things should be. The only thing that changed for the better in the last few months is that I got a job, that was a massive improvement... But it wasn't enough. I'm still bored to my mind, have no social life, my sleeping routine is absolute shit... I know everything I have to change but can't seem to actually do something about it.

    I'm also still set on seeking professional help to my depression/anxiety.
     
  14. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Hey Cid. If you don't mind my asking, what is it specifically that you see yourself doing to change the life you have to the one you would like to live. In terms of your social life, your sleep routine, boredness and any other aspects that are relevant.
     
  15. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    I don't mean to sound patronising, but have you tried organising social events?
    I was always worried people never really wanted to hang out with me, but I started making plans with people and it worked.
    You come across like an intelligent, interesting guy. I'm sure people will value your company!
     
  16. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    A few years ago, I found that I didn't have that much of a social life either when I was fresh out of university. I occasionally saw some old friends from high school and college, but only once or twice every few months. My network was limited. One of the best things I did to expand my social life was to attend clubs and meetings. There wasn't an SA meeting where I live so I started one along with a few other guys, and it has really taken off. I now have solid acquaintances that I didn't have before that I see on a weekly basis. I also joined a Toastmasters club to develop confidence and self-esteem. In the process, I unexpectedly made some really great social connections at the club, many of which are well on the way to becoming friendships. I enjoy spending time with them and look forward to our club meetings and socials. Because I have got these fixed events in my calendar, my social life pretty much takes care of itself. That's not to mention of course my old friends who I am now seeing more often because of my sobriety. As someone with severe social anxiety, it has taken me a while to get this far, but it became possible by taking baby steps. My confidence has come on leaps and bounds as a result of it too. Those clubs and meetings may not appeal to you, and that's ok, just join a club that you are interested in. If you're not interested in anything- which can happen after years of addiction, why not just take a stab in the dark and join a group and see where it goes? This is what I did with my TM group and I am developing an invaluable skill as a result.
     
  17. CJJackson

    CJJackson Active Member

    It’s a tough thing to beat man just keep at it. I’ve been trying this for a year. Used to fap 5 times a day to increasingly disturbing stuff. Over the past year I’ve prob M’d to P like 30-35 times it gets easier just commit. Set small goals like a week then try a month. I’m averaging like 1-2 days a month where I’ll PMO just gotta be strong and keep trying
     
  18. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    @yearofchange: first of all, I need to go back to dance class. That helped me immensely on becoming more social, and is something that I really like to do. I'd always look forward to my classes every week. Unfortunately we're halfway through November and most classes are finishing by now, so I'll have to wait until next year for that.

    I also have to start waking up earlier so that I can go to sleep earlier. Staying up at night is by far my biggest trigger to PMO. The majority of my relapses happen when I'm on my PC past midnight, doing nothing, just killing time until I feel sleepy enough to go to bed. This has been a struggle for me for years now.

    I also want to see a shrink and maybe start taking medication again. That was rough (antidepressants usually make you feel much worse before they make you feel better) but also paramount for my recovery back in 2013, when I first started treating my depression.



    @100DaysMission: I have, though I'll be honest and admit I haven't tried that hard. Most of the time I feel too antisocial and just want to stay at home, even though I really miss social interactions. So I want to go out but am extremely resistant to it, if that makes any sense. Social anxiety sometimes causes me to back down when other people invite me to do something.


    @Freedom from Servitude: I can't think of many places like that in my area other than the already mentioned dance classes. My city turns into a ghost town by the end of the year, people go out for summer and things like that. I think I'll have to wait until February or so until to start working on my social life...


    @CJJackson: yeah I was the same, 5-6 PMO's a day, always looking for something weirder to fap to because regular pornography didn't do anything for me anymore. I have improved by leaps and bounds since I started doing this, even now I'm still miles ahead of what I used to be. I just fell off the rails these last few months, gotta get back on track now.


    I want to thank everyone for your wisdom and support. You can't imagine how grateful I am to have you guys around. I hope everyone is doing all right, and if any of you ever need to talk, do not hesitate to post in here or send me a message (I'll try to check the forum more often too).
     
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2018
    CJJackson likes this.
  19. CJJackson

    CJJackson Active Member

    Good luck bro let’s stay in touch!
     
    CidGuerreiro likes this.
  20. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day 17 or something

    Doing much better these days. Managed to walk out of Relapseville too... Had two minor slips but nothing too serious.

    I've been really low on energy though. I'm starting to think I eat too much protein and not enough carbs to keep me running at 100%. My shitty sleeping routine certainly doesn't help either.

    It's late now, I might write a better update tomorrow or the day after. Hope everyone is doing fine.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2018
    CJJackson likes this.

Share This Page