Journal for mutual support 3.0

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by CidGuerreiro, Nov 12, 2012.

  1. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Wishing you strength to keep going and the clarity to see why.
  2. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    It's crazy to think about how contradictory this whole thing feel sometimes. One of the benefits of not pmoing is increased libido, especially physical contact with women..however, if one isn't getting that contact, that libido ends up being fuel for porn cravings, escorts, dating app, etc...
    I guess the only way to combat is to have a girlfriend, or some girls that you can hit up and be with when feeling really sexual
  3. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    I find that the sexual energy is really just creative energy. For example when I had a creative outlet my urgings decreased significantly.
  4. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    @Chammorrow: you just described my entire life. Honry from no PMO, craving porn from lack of sex. Sometimes though, having sex gives me strong chaser effect, which has caused me to relapse a few times in the past. I try not to depend too much on having a partner... Many guys here have SOs and they still struggle with porn addiction. In the end it depends on us and no one else.

    @yearofchange: I agree 100%, keeping yourself busy and being productive really helps you forget the cravings, all the while being lazy and sitting around doing nothing is a massive trigger, for me at least.

    Thanks for commenting, guys.
    1234dyl likes this.
  5. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Haven't checked here in a while. Tbh things haven't changed much, so I felt like there was no need to write anything on my journal.

    I went on a good streak of not edging/peeking, but messed up hard today. I realized I've been too obsessed with PIED and whether or not I'd be able to perform (usually thinking about escorts) and that's becoming a problem for me, it makes me anxious and a lot more prone to look for a relief in porn.

    I need some time for myself, to forget about women until I feel better. You know, for a few weeks at least. Escorts come and go, there will always be one that I feel like I "have" to meet. That's not a good habit to keep anyway but if I do there will always be new ones, I don't have to obsess over them. It can wait.

    So yeah, lesson of the day is to stop obsessing over sex. I have my whole life to get laid, I can do without it for a few weeks at least, until I'm on a decent run of no porn.
    BruceWayne and 100DaysMission like this.
  6. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day ???

    I've been in a weird state lately. I basically have zero drive to chase the random, average-looking girls that text me every week wanting to meet up. Same for wooing new girls on Tinder, even though the app often works for me.

    The problem is that I'm often thinking about escorts. They look better, they're better in bed and they take no effort other than putting money on the table. I feel no emotional attachment to the women I sleep with anyway, whether I'm paying for it or not, so other than being more expensive the escorts have only pros and no cons.

    I'm being cynical, obviously. I know very well that hiring escorts is not exactly the best habit to keep. In fact, they're probably the reason why I can't be bothered with those regular girls and would rather play video games instead of having sex with them.

    I'm open to suggestions and all opinions on the matter at hand.
  7. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    This girl keeps pestering me, wanting to meet up for sex. We went out once, it was fine... However I just don't feel like going out of my way to have sex with her. I'm not that attracted to her and still thinking about porn and especially escorts more than "real women".

    I feel like I'm slowly detoxing from all those things, but it will take more time. I should follow my own advice and just forget about women for a while, it only brings me more anxiety and no satisfaction, at least not with those random girls I couldn't care less about.
  8. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    I think you may just be going through a phase, though I do think that the porn and escort is lowering your drive for real girls. But real girls can be a chore, and I found myself not wanting to put the effort for one that is not excellent. I don't know how girls are where you live, but they are a bit entitled where I am..and not wanting to deal with that is normal. I think the question is how you redirect that energy and effort, and I believe that this is when you dive into your passions and goals and things of that nature. Easier said than done though, I realize.
  9. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    That's exactly how I feel, no drive at all to chase a girl unless she's really interesting/attractive. I know what you mean with the entitlement, that happens a lot here too. I usually stop bothering with entitled girls after a few texts, life is too short to chase after someone who does not reciprocate my interest. That's not the case with this girl though, the problem is that I'm simply not that physically attracted to her (and also that she lives really far, lol).

    Because I'm not too attracted to her I keep thinking that I'll have trouble mantaining an erection. If she also happens to be bad in bed then all hope is lost. I could pop a pill to help me stay up but honestly, those pills are expensive and I don't think it would be worth it using one with a girl I'm only mildly interested in.

    But you're definetely right in that porn and escorts are playing a huge part on this whole thing.
  10. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    I hear you, I wouldn't waste time on girls you're not interested in, flattering as it is.

    What's happened before when you stop using escorts? I know there's this exaggeration of the benefits of abstaining from arousal, but I DO believe in rewiring. And for me that's worked better after a period of NoA.
  11. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure I understand the question. As of late I hardly go more than one or two months without seeing an escort. My brain is conditioned towards them much more than "real" intercourse. Because they are different in a lot of aspects: there is no pressure of pleasing your partner, of being judged, fear of rejection... Not to mention that they're all really attractive and skilled in bed (that's their job after all).

    I'm totally aware that my use of escorts is making difficult for me to have a normal sex life. Honestly, I can't see myself giving up on them until I find a woman I really care about (so that I wouldn't want to cheat on her). I know I should, but if I promised to never see an escort again I would be lying.

    Anyway, thanks for passing by, 100DaysMission, I hope you are doing well.
    100DaysMission likes this.
  12. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day 23

    I haven't peeked or edged to porn at all since my last relapse at June 1st. I didn't even notice I was past the 20 days mark until I went back on my journal to check it.

    I've been having some cravings but right now I'm really sick, caught a cold and my stomach is all messed up, and whenever I'm sick the last thing I wanna do is jerking off to porn.
  13. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day 34 (I think)

    I'm going through a weird, very inconstant flatline. My brain and dick go all the way from "extremely horny" to "not horny at all" in a matter of hours. I keep thinking about seeing an escort but can't push myself into it. Whenever I have the time to go I just don't feel like it. That's probably a good thing and it saves me some money, but it's still annoying how little sex drive I have at times (though on the bright side I've been having almost no cravings for PMO).

    I think that girl who kept pestering to go have sex with her has given up by now, lol. She was ok I guess, but I simply felt no sexual attraction towards her. Honestly, I would rather jerk off instead or see an escort than have sex with some girl I'm not attracted to, just for the sake of it.
  14. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day Zero

    Jesus Christ, what a shitshow.

    After over a month without peeking even once, I stayed up one night and edged for nearly four hours without stopping. It was a such a relief to feel sexually aroud after such a long time in a flatline, I didn't want it to end. This clearly happened because I was obsessing about being aroused or not, being in a flatline and all that. I was feeling increasingly frustrated by the lack of sex drive and wanted to feel it again the easiest, most intense way possible.

    I end up doing it again the next day, but I'm ready to get my shit together and start over. One thing I've learned in nearly 5 years of battling this addiction is that guilt-tripping yourself only makes it all worse and pushes you back into doing it again as an escape. I might be too laid back over relapses but I honestly believe it's better than bashing my head against the wall in frustration.
  15. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    I agree, I think it's really important to be kind to yourself. You sound motivated still, and that is important.
  16. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Thanks man, really appreciate the support.
  17. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Day Zero

    Well, shit.

    Got super triggered while watching a random video on Youtube. It wasn't even anything "suspicious". Went into auto-pilot/robot mode and ended up indulging my urges.

    Funny how just a few days ago I went more than a month without any problems, now suddenly I'm brought back to the point where my brain shuts down because of a trigger. Luckily I will be out of town fow about a week, that should give me some breathing room to start over.
    100DaysMission likes this.
  18. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Haven't checked here in a while.

    A few things have changed. The first and most important is that I finally got a job. It's a nice job with a decent pay, and just the one I was trying to get. My boss is cool and so are my co-workers.

    It's been a while since I last had a formal job so I'm still processing a few things, however it is good to have responsabilities and a reason to get out of the house. There's nothing more debilitating than staying home all day, playing video games not because I want to, but because I don't have anything better to do.

    On the porn front, well, I was doing ok until maybe last week. Since then it's been kind of a shit show. I've updated my OS and cannot use K9 anymore, on which I've been relying on years now to help me stop peeking. Despite the new job I've been very antisocial lately, which doesn't help me to stay on track at all.

    That's it for today, I hope everyone is doing ok.
    100DaysMission likes this.
  19. Big Lebowski

    Big Lebowski Member

    Hi Cid, long time man! Congratulations with the job. Keep moving forward! Nice too see a few of the old folks still checkin in from time to time. Namaste!
  20. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Hey BL, thanks for stopping by.

    You're right, even if not everything is great right now, finding a job is definetely progress, not only regarding the addiction but for my life in general. A man needs to work not only to pay the bills but to keep himself busy with something that matters as well.

    I hope you are doing well my man. Talk to you soon.

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