Journal for mutual support 3.0

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by CidGuerreiro, Nov 12, 2012.

  1. Nice to hear you enjoyed your trip, Cid. Lol that girl was patient. This actually reminds me of situations in which I haven't been able to orgasm in one hour...
    Were you MOing frequently before though? Cause I've read you haven't been using porn much aside from a few relapses recently.
     
  2. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    LOL!!!!

    I can't cum from blowjobs either.

    I would've told her to stop as soon as it stopped feeling pleasurable.

    If she asked, I would've said the truth. "I can't cum from blowjobs".
     
  3. bikeguy

    bikeguy Member

    What the hell kind of trip was this? I want to go.
     
  4. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    @David: It was about 4 days after my last relapse, I think.

    @TheUnderdog: I can orgasm from hand/blowjobs, but she has to put some real energy on it. Doing it slowly only keeps me on the "almost there" forever, until I either lose my erection or DIE.

    @bikeguy: LOL. Just some friends on a summer trip. Most of the fun I had wasn't related to sexual stuff. Still pretty awesome, though.

    --------------

    Edged to porn, feels like my ballsack is about to explode. No idea how I managed to pull myself out of it. Decent day despite of that.

    Not much else to report. Thanks for passing by, everyone. Your comments are always very much appreciated.
     
  5. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    You think blue balls are good?

    They're not.

    They're as bad as Hitler.

    HITLER!
     
  6. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Resetting my counter because I've been too sloppy with peeking and edging. I hate the feeling of bullshitting myself with my progress so I'm starting anew today.

    To be honest though it doesn't really matter since I'm keeping a spreadsheet. I don't have a specific goal in mind so that counter is just there to keep my progress public. I feel like it helps to keep me on track.

    Currently reinstalling K9, gonna write a more elaborate journal entry later tonight (even though there's barely anything relevant to say at the moment).

    Hope everyone's doing fine.
     
  7. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    I think I'm having some brain fog. Haven't felt that in a while. Did not miss it either.

    Last week as "ehh". Today was a shitty day, nothing feels remotely interesting or entertaining.

    The world feels devoid of all color and warmth, like everything is black and white and the sun has hidden its face forever. The only thing that could bring life back is... you know what it is.
     
  8. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Oh, I also had an encounter with an escort. Ooops?

    It was an "ok" experience. For whatever reason I was very uncomfortable and couldn't get involved with the situation at all. Whenever I go see an escort there's a porn movie running in my head, but when I get there I just kinda roll with it, you know? Only a few experiences were really awesome and met my overwhelming expectations.

    I didn't had ED, though. That's a good thing.
     
  9. bikeguy

    bikeguy Member

    Damn man, what are you doing? It seems like you either fap or go see an escort almost every week. What kind of plans have you put in place to keep you from doing either aside from installing K9 which apparently doesn't seem to be working? Not trying to sound hostile, just trying to come up with some ideas to get you out of this cycle.
     
  10. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    @bikeguy: don't worry man, your insight is always appreciated.

    I still had the password for K9 around (I was still testing to see if it was working properly), which allowed me to peek yesterday. Password is gone now, so the K9 plan starts today.

    What I really need is to get out of the house. Porn doesn't even cross my mind when I'm out, only when I'm locked away in my room. Isolation brings depression and addiction closer to me.

    Sadly though, I'm currently unempolyed and don't have much to do outside. School once a week and hitting the gym about 4 times a week. That's pretty much it. All the rest of my time is spent at home.

    Let's see how it goes now that shit's all blocked again. I'm currently broken as fuck so hookers shouldn't be a problem, lol.

    Thanks for passing by, friend.
     
  11. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    My God, my libido is a freakin' roller coaster. One day I want every woman I see, then the next day I'm completely flat. Shit, that can change in the same fuckin' day.

    I hate low libido. It may seem weird but it makes porn cravings worse because it feels like porn is the only thing that can bring me some excitment. When my libido is high I simply don't want to PMO, I want the real deal.
     
  12. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    I have also been at this for long.

    I have close to zero libido and feel very frustrated. Why can't we be cured soon? Everything else is fine with me (physically), have been at the doctor's. Have you checked with the doctor as well?

    Just want to be able to bang some chicks maaaan. Good luck with your journey.
     
  13. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    @Strongman: thanks, pal!

    I did all the tests. Testosterone and everything else is just fine. The problem is in my brain.

    Your emotional state plays a big role in your libido (which affects your abiltiy to mantain an erection), so there's that. It's not JUST "brain wired into pronography", at least in my case. My brain's been running low on juice for a while now, it's no surprise my libido doesn't stay up for long.

    My counter is shit right now but I've reached a few long streaks for no porn and no orgasm. I've been doing this for a long time and I know that "not jerking off" can only take you so far. After that it is up to you to do something, to change the life that you wanna leave behind.

    Anyway, thanks for commenting Strongman
     
  14. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Worst... night... EVER!
     
  15. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    what happened?
     
  16. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Well... a girl asked me out. She seemed pretty interested and I thought things were going to happen. Oh, the fool I was.

    To start off, the place was someone's garage and the peple there seemed like they just walked out of a Snoop Dog music video. I actually felt a little dizzy from all the pot other people were smokin'.

    Then I make my move and... nothing. She's not down to it, not even a kiss. WTF? Who asks someone out, just the two of us, for... nothing, basically?

    Am I the problem here? Am I just a self-entitled douche who got it all wrong? She kept texting me, called me to make sure I was going to find the place, kept sending me pictures of her, asking what she should wear... I totally felt like there was a connection between us but clearly there wasn't.

    So I just stood there in the middle of a Fast & Furious kind of party, feeling like shit and watching other guys score with those trashy girls. There were plenty of single women around me, but I didn't had the balls to talk to any of them.

    I walked out of my house feeling like a GOD. I was burning with confidence, absolutely loving my own reflection on the mirror. Then all of this happens and suddenly I'm drowning in self-loathing.

    But wait! THERE'S MORE! I somehow let her drag me into someone's apartment (she was playing the victim and still sending mixed signals like taking my hand as we walk, wtf) and again I'm surrounded by weirdos doing drugs and not a single person I can talk to. It was also cold as balls last night, I was shivering all the time.

    Anyway, what could've been a great night turned into a nightmare of awkwardness and anxiety. I've had a lot of bad dates but this one topped them all.
     
    Kique likes this.
  17. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    That's weird.

    Were you two alone when you tried to make the move?
     
  18. The Czech

    The Czech Member

    Do you think you place your own self-worth in some sort of external validation?

    You went out that night thinking you were getting laid for sure and nothing turned out to be as you imagined. Your confidence dilluted into nothingness as your plans evaporated and even a last attempt to conquer your objective failed to succeed.

    It's natural to feel frustrated in a situation like that. But to go from "I am the king of the world" to "worst night ever" just because some girl played hard to get at the last minute and had you endure some uninteresting people and activities for a while seems like a bit of an exaggeration.

    I think it quite insightful that you made that question, but I don't know how far you're attempting to go to answer it. To anyone those things you said sound like an easy smash, but... let's try to go beyond that. How do you think she felt? Why do you think she invited you to that party, instead of a more secluded location? How bad do you think she was into you? (as in, she liked you, or she liked you just enough to fuck) And, why did she attempt to make you stay at all, if she was refusing your advances?

    Option a) she does indeed have some histrionic personality issues and you can't do much about it except forget the whole thing and move on.
    Option b) maybe you didn't think about the questions laid above and acted accordingly, inadvertently shooting yourself on the foot.

    I don't know her, of you, of course. But from what you say, it sounds like she liked you and there was some serious miscommunication between the both of you. You getting down after not getting your cake is OK. But maybe next time you can try to make the best of a similar situation by slowly reflecting on your attitude on this one. That way, maybe the gap between your expectations & reality will collapse at a better point so that you don't need any of them to maintain that confidence... and maybe, actually get the girl. I'd say this experience of yours is a humbling one.

    Hope you don't think I'm trying to attack your behaviour or something, just trying to insert some objective empathic rationality here.
     
    Kique likes this.
  19. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    @TheUnderdog: there were people around us but we were slightly isolated. Judging by her reaction though, I don't think that would've made a difference.

    @The Czech: don't worry man, every opinion is more than welcome.

    You actually did a very good reading on my self-esteem issues. Yes, I do put too much importance on external validation (i.e. female validation). That's something very clear to me.

    I have a very long history of frustration with women (I did overcome that a little last year) and letting their perception of me to be my own perception. Also a long history of being lead on by women who seem extremely interested but back off when it's time to make things happen. I'm extremely unlucky when it comes to women I'm actually interested on. Seriously, it's ridiculous.

    I think option A is spot on. I know for a fact that girl is messed up. But I agree with you, I do let those things get under my skin. I played it cool (I always do), but realizing the cake was a lie after I took it for granted + being forced to be in those awful places was just too much for me to take.

    Anyway, I'm feeling better now. At some point I'll look back and laugh at it.

    Thanks for commenting, guys.
     
  20. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    That was funny to read, The fast & Furious comparison is something i have made myself when at a particular persons house and it cracked me up then and it cracked me up reading it happen to you as well. Who cares mate she is obviously a goose if shes hanging around people doing drugs like that.
     

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