Journal - Final

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Universal, Jul 27, 2020.

  1. Universal

    Universal Active Member Staff Member

    I've been on this forum for some time now, I must have been about 18 or 19 when I first landed here.

    Now I'm in the 25-29 age range

    History
    11 - P first viewing
    14 - High speed
    15 - Addiction behavior
    17 - PIED with fbuddy
    18 - Discovery of YBOP
    23 - First proper girlfriend "L" and first sober sex
    24 - Currently with L

    Current State
    Regular sex. EQ is almost always 80-100% though fades quickly. PE always. Oing approx 1-2x/week. Peeking is semi frequent (0.5-3x/week) but I still PMO roughly 1-2x month.

    POIS
    I've recently stumbled upon 'POIS' (Post orgasm Illness syndrome) and I'm amazed I've never heard of this. I personally have many of the symptoms of POIS namely terrible brainfog which makes me feel like I have the IQ of a pumpkin. Interestingly it seems that some members have cured POIS as a result of quitting P.

    Why
    I became aware of PIED at 18, I'm now 25 and I still haven't truly quit. Why? Maybe it's simply pattern conditioning I haven't overwritten, maybe it's the result of childhood trauma, maybe it's a lack of discipline, maybe it's environmental mismatch, maybe it's a lack of belief in myself, or maybe I just have a very strong desire for novelty (The 'Sex at Dawn' argument) and don't care about the downsides.

    The answers to all of those things are fairly straight forward:

    Pattern conditioning -----> Rewrite
    Childhood Trauma -----> Therapy
    Lack of Discipline -----> Do better
    Lack of Belief -----> Therapy and Affirmations
    Environmental mismatch --> Quit Engineering study and join the Army or live in the Woods
    Novelty Desire -----> Don't be monogamous

    I have most of those in progress.

    Pattern conditioning and discipline come down to simply doing nothing which is useless (waking up early, getting to study early, eating health, exercising, spending time with my girlfriend and not procrastinating on screens). Those things are mostly solid.

    Trauma and Belief. Well I'm currently seeing a therapist who treats primarily with EMDR. I had a session the other day exploring the first time I saw sex online at age 11 and the consequential feeling of horror that overcame me. My therapist would certainly argue my use is quite strongly linked to this incident. Maybe I simply believe I can't quit,

    Environmental Mismatch. From a very early age I despised cities and wanted to live in the woods. Now here I am living in a small city going to university. Perhaps the stress of it all is fundamentally at odds with my genes and P just happens to be the easiest outlet. I'd like to complete my studies because I want a decent way to earn some money so I'm sticking it out for another 3 years. In terms of stress relief things I go to the gym 5 days, boxing 2 days and sauna 1 day (per week for all). I'm wanting to take up go-carting or something intense to further release some of the psycho energy I build up. I need to sublimate my outlet desire toward intensity only, intensity in anger and danger - rather than suppression and comfort. The other possibility is that I'm completely missing something in my life, some sort of creative outlet or something.

    Novelty Desire. Take a Male human brain and give it the unlimited access to unlimited fertile willing Females. Yeah, it's no wonder porn seems unstoppable. The book 'Sex at Dawn' argues no novelty in sex is akin to sexual repression and that without porn we would (almost all) be cheaters or have some other unhealthy psychological affects. I'm fairly onboard with that idea, though not totally convinced. And I have a girlfriend, who I wouldn't want to put through me becoming a player. So yeah, there's no great solution here. Regardless, it may solve the novelty thing, but it wouldn't solve the need for hardmode - who the hell can hook up with new girls all the time and not O? So this isn't a particularly pragmatic option for many reasons.

    The Cure

    Hardmode.

    Plain and simple. No P, no M, no O. My brain needs no P ever and extended periods of O. Everything mentioned hitherto is simply a means achieving this. Sex allowed without O. No P ever.

    I keep thinking that if I can convince myself that it's bad for me to use P then I will quit, but I really need to not use P so I can truly see how bad it is for me. There is no glory in P. It provides temporarily relief from life, but it is no solution.

    One of the tragedy's of P is that is convinces us so successfully that we're doing a great thing by engaging with it. Much like a parasite taking over it's host, the infected will begin to act in ways which further propagate the parasite and not the host. It is not a matter of removing the parasite by force, but by recognizing in which way the parasite wants us to act, and disobeying it's commands. Once the parasite has learned the host is no longer acting in ways to aid the parasites goals, it will slowly begin to perish until our minds and bodies make use of it's remains for our own uses.

    I need to develop a procedure which I will use to replace the procedure of the parasite. If this is a process I successfully automate, the parasite will lose control and I will win.

    --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

    There we are friends, a new journal with a rather dramatic first post - and the struggle continues with an updated model of what I'm dealing with. I skipped my calculus lecture to write this, these thoughts were taking up too much head space to focus properly.

    Now I will work on the above mentioned procedure.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2020 at 12:39 AM
    Guts and Battlesword1 like this.
  2. Universal

    Universal Active Member Staff Member

    Recovery Timeline:
    01.Aug.20 - Wet Dream
    02.Aug.20 - O (sex)
    04.Aug.20 - Peek (10 seconds, hardcore, google images)
    06.Aug.20 - Peek (10 seconds, softcore, google images)
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2020 at 2:37 PM
  3. Universal

    Universal Active Member Staff Member

    1 week without porn.
    0 days since last O

    Until last night I was also 1 week without O, then I had a wet dream. The dream was about watching porn. Later in the night I had a dream about having a threesome with two girls, one was a girl from university who I vaguely know and the other was unknown.

    I woke up, L and I had sex from which I O'd.

    Note to self:

    Wet dreams don't justify intentionally Oing. If you have a wet dream, it's best to not get physical for a couple of days. After wet dreams my grip on control is terrible.

    A note for you guys:

    If you have been trying to quit for a long time, look into EMDR. I recall when I was 11 first viewing P I had an initial feeling of shock/horror overcome me when I first saw sex. It was up close penetration, and it's not until recently that I've realized 85% of my P use has all been around finding 'the perfect penetration' scene. It was quite the surprise to realize this. But through the EMDR, I've - in theory - processed that trauma. It's only been 1 week since I did a deep dive into this with EMDR but there's seemingly less of a sickly pull toward P. I'm still tempted by it and find nude images of Women incredibly attractive, but it feels less like I desperately need it.
     
  4. Universal

    Universal Active Member Staff Member

    Weekend update

    EMDR is going well.

    1 week without O. 8 days without PMO. 2 peeks this week (10 seconds each). L and I have significantly reduce sexual activity, which I really need.

    The further I get away from O the earlier I wake up in the morning. Typically at about 1 week+ no O I'm awake before my 0600 alarm. Unfortunately there's a wet dream coming any day now, I can't remember the last time I made it 2 weeks without a wet dream while doing no O, over a decade? Crazy to think my brain hasn't had a break longer than 2 weeks without O for more than 10 years.. No wonder I'm messed up.

    I'm having some rather intense cravings this morning, for things I very very rarely crave.

    Not going back. Here's to deep recovery..
     
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