Journal - Failed Again

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Aussie_85, Feb 9, 2013.

  1. Aussie_1985

    Aussie_1985 Guest

    Was going to ignore this post but i thought it merits a decent reply.

    Firstly,the underlined text makes me say to again - very clearly that i have diagnosed clinical depression mate - i don't just say it for the fuck of it.I know I'm not the only person on the planet with depression,i know a lot of people have worse lives than me.I had a mental breakdown after my 94 days (go on tell me again how i never shut up about my 94 day run) - i lost the plot mentally.I don't know what to do recovery wise man - i truly dont.I have no idea where to start.I can;t even get a week clean,let alone look at long term recovery.What do you suggest,a book? that i'll read 2 pages of and then zone out - how about that stupid online recovery nation thing that;s failed people miserably? If there was a porn/sex rehab in Australia id go to it.I'm so foggy i cant even articulate myself properly.I'm so lonely i fall for a girl online who clearly intentionally set out to make me jealous.KI'm all over the place an di have no idea what to do,at all.So when people give me advice i wont lie - a lot of the time it does go in one ear and out the other because i honestly know deep down that it wont work/help me.Meditation however i know will benefit me,my mind needs to be chilled out thats for sure.You can reply telling me how wrong i am,or how good my life is compared to other guys but the fact remains iv'e been stuck in my house like some freak for well over a year now - i don't have a life.Every time i leave the house I'm a nervous wreck.There;s much more to my recover than simply manning up i can promise you that much.

    Metal your right,about everything you've said here in the last month.AI was quite vindictive and full of attitude with me,you can tell me how right he was or whatever,i don't care mate - the guy didn't like me,plain and simple.It doesn't get much more clear cut than that.Ive come across threads that i really didn't like - i just leave it though because i know how pissed id be if someone did it to me.I wont lie,your post made me seriously consider why i came back here - just let it go man,whatever it is that you hate about me just let it go or i will.
  2. Metal

    Metal Get busy living or get busy dying

    Fwiw I don't want you to leave here, I'm just saying if it was the case of you just wanting to vent and didnt care for responses, then you could just write on word.

    What I would suggest that is not so hard for you to do and you don't even have to talk, you can listen is attend just ONE saa meeting in your area. You will see first hand how you are not alone and how many others in the real world are facing identical problems to yourself. This will also give you strength and inspiration as well as providing a sense that there is a community that you belong to.

    I'm not saying its easy to pick yourself up especially with clinical depression, but you're not helping yourself.

    It's not about me being right or wrong or telling you off whatever, it's about trying to get you to be fruitful in your efforts so you don't waste our time and more importantly your own time doing things which are going to set you back in the long run.
  3. Aussie_1985

    Aussie_1985 Guest

    Had a look into SAA and the closest one to me is in the middle of the city,about 1 1/2 hours from me by train - and at night.but it may be worth looking into.I think what i worry about is rocking up to one,and having to hear everyone talking about how there addictied to sex,like actually having the courage to meet up with people and hook up. - and here i am some weak minded pussy addicted to shitty online porn - I'm worried ill be looked down upon.

    I can see how fucking annoying my ranting must be.

    I dragged myself out of bed for over 60 days and i kept telling myself it'd get better,and it did - much much better than i'd felt for years and i STILL went back to porn.forget weed,forget valium - this is on a whole other level.

    Really think i have to get a good at least 14 day clean run going before i can do anything decent about long term recovery.

    I'm getting mixed feelings about sandy,i told her what i did - PMO'd twice on the night that she told me she was going to her BF's place.I told her i fucked the pro the day after it.I told her how i felt - and she understood.I crave love man,and as much as i know and admit I'm in no state for a relationship,i still yearn for it.Just to be wanted and cared for by another person would do me the world of good,but on the other could be destructive if it went the wrong way.

    I'll get a counter up tomorrow,i PMO'd earlier this afternoon.
  4. Metal

    Metal Get busy living or get busy dying

    No way would you be looked down upon. There is no elitism or big egos in these types of groups as everyone has been at rock bottom at one stage or another and it takes humility to get through to true sobriety. Everyone is brotherly and supportive and you be amazed at the connections you develop.

    A good few guys at my group are strictly dealing with masturbation and porn addiction with the odd paying for sex here and there but it's not mainly covering sex, not at all. As I said a lot of the acting out involves guys watching porn alone. One guy said he got caught by his boss watching porn in the office. But it's not all about listening to doom and gloom as there are guys there will long peroids of sobriety, longer than most guys here. And if you want they can be a sponsor to you and be there to help outside the meeting in terms of contacting through email, phone etc and giving you pointers in going through the steps.

    There are also short leaflets on the 12 steps that give you an idea of what we're dealing with here and you don't have to believe in God or sing hymns

    Like I said you don't even have to share if you don't feel comfortable you can just sit and listen and it will sink in how serious this addiction is. I felt like crying yesterday when listening to how gripping it had hold of some of the guys there

    Yes it;s tough, but remember everyday is a new day and today doesn't have to be like the day before.

    Well that should give you more incentive to get rid of porn and do everything you can to beat it so you are in a state where you can love yourself and be able to accept the love of someone else.

    Remember tomorrow is a new day to do something different, anything, even if it's small like going to the gym or going to visit a friend again. From there re-evaluate what you can do that can help you stay away from porn. Remember the steps you took to go on that famous 94 day run lol
  5. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    My stance on you venting is this: Vent if you want and get it out of your system. But the thing is, how far are you from reaching a point where you say to yourself "I want to do something about what I'm complaining about"? I've vented before (in my head) and but there comes a point in time where even I get sick of hearing myself complaining.
  6. tsmith1302

    tsmith1302 Active Member

    I agree 100% with Ped
  7. Aussie_1985

    Aussie_1985 Guest

    Al - i apologised to you and loro weeks ago.And I've never said you weren't right,only that you didn't like me which is understandable because of how i lash out.It's a real problem i have,i just lash out verbally at people when I'm in my manic depressive moods.There's absolutely no excuse and it's a horrible trait to have but in my own hell (no I'm not the worst case) it's just what i do.It's not fair and there's no excuse - but oh well,as i said - in the end everyone ends up hating me - and it is all my own doing,and i know you couldn't care less if I'm alive or dead.But honestly what does it really matter? your all random people on the internet i'll never meet or have anything further to do with so really what does t matter who likes who and so on.I wont mention you again Al - i'm sorry.

    Day #1:

    I'm really keen to go to a SAA meeting - i was thinking about it last night and therapy really helped me porn addiction wise,because just saying the words out loud to another person face to face really kind of brought home the situation i was in i dunno,it makes it more real and the support is good.however i can no longer afford therapy.If i could afford any type of therapy i think i'd be better of doing anger management,i just get so damn angry at everyone.

    Will be going to have a few beers with my mates within the next few days,can't wait.

    and pedi has a good point,I'm really sick of ranting and really doesn't achieve anything.I think it's become a type of habit now - if I'm depressed or pissed,i just come here and abuse people and talk shit.Maybe i should just write my thoughts on notepad so no one else has to listen to it lol.
  8. Aussie_1985

    Aussie_1985 Guest

    Decided i'll be making a new journal - this one is just to long,to old and pretty much useless now.It brings up to many bad memories for me.All in all i just want to start fresh/clean slate.

    Will be moving my iMac back into my mothers room tonight - the thing is boys - no,it definitely isn't a sure fire way to stop relapse.But considering that most of my relapses happen late at night,when everyone one else is in bed if it;s in my mums room i literally cannot relapse if she's in bed.It's another barrier i can put up to help me,but i fully agree that it isn;t going to stop a relapse - iv'e PMO'd like a dozen times since i decided to do this whole iMac in mums room thing.

    Just going to try and really knuckle down and get a week clean - then start looking at more realistic recovery tools - SAA,meditation,reading (even if it's not about addiction - i just found that reading nightly - even though i only did it for a few weeks really sharpens the mind) - my exercise,my diet - walking around the block daily - looking for work - hanging out with my mates.

    I have to throw everything at this and you guys have been extremely kind and patient with me and i think it's about time i put my foot down and get serious about this thing - i wont say "this is it,i'll never relapse again" because that's just not the reality of my current situation,i will say that I'm going to start giving it much more of a go.

    Will come back and edit my new journal link in shortly,thank you everyone for sticking around - i know I'm a difficult person to deal with atm.
  9. Aussie_1985

    Aussie_1985 Guest

    Fresh start :) now i don't have to look at "failed again" as the title either.

    Farewell old journal.
  10. al1234

    al1234 Guest

    Apology accepted. Thank you. All the best with your new journal.

Share This Page