Journal by a Reboot Veteran

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by no94, Oct 5, 2021.

  1. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Dear fellow rebooters,

    I've been journalling here when I was 22 years old, you might know me from my thread in that forum section.

    Most of my life I've been struggling with PMO, although the last few years have been much better. The beginnings were these of a depressed teenager/young man who was at home all day and PMOing multiple times a day.
    Right now I do live a "normal" life by any means - uni finished, full time job, family. But I still struggle with PMO and I go on a small binge every few days - depending on the circumstances (home alone etc.)
    This is a problem, because as soon as I am home alone, I PMO. I usually feel intense shame after that.

    In this journal I want to share my journey, and I want to write down all triggers and go into the process of what I feel & how I feel before I PMO, so I can hopefully notice the triggers and underlying problems and fix them.
  2. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Just now I am alone and I'm fighting to not do it. It usually starts with leisure time, first thing I do is put the blinds down since it's dark.
    I'm quick to disregard the dangers of porn in my head when fighting, usually it's that "one last time" before I really commit to it. But this is the trap.
    Also, my "baseline" horniness is up since I've been touchy with my girl today. This, or seeing lots of hot girls in public usually is another prerequisite to me relapsing.
    Blinds are up again and everyone can see me.
  3. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Day 4:
    No problem with coming from a handjob, but porn really disgusts me and IMO it's the equivalent of cheating. That's why I want to get rid of it.
    Currently just very mild urges, so far so good.
    But if urges come, I have to be ready to say no. I am going to think of my reasons why I don't wanna do it: shame, guilt etc.
    Also I'm going to recall my methods to divert the attention away from my urges.
  4. tarconi_union

    tarconi_union Member

    You might find support groups helpful. There are online. In-person. Guys like us require problem solving from more than one head. Ones who have experience or with helping others like us.
    You have resolve to quit. Going it alone is difficult. Not everyone can pull this off. And doing so might be limiting.
  5. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    I just relapsed on day 5 when I had some alone-time, sadly.
    At first I've looked at porn but I managed to click away and close it, but later I re-opened it and gave in. It was a stressful day and I think that seeing females in the street triggered urges.
    We move.
  6. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Day 3, relapsed again + chaser.
    Again, being alone in the evening. This is my weak point, I need to focus here.
    It's as easy as keeping my window blinds up which is what I'll be doing when I'm at the PC in the evening.
  7. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Relapsed after a few days again.

    Earlier in the day, I received a handjob which made me cum fine (no PIED or anything).
    But in the evening with blinds down, I relapsed.
    I know for a fact that my "psychological weakness" translates into other areas in my life and it directly affects it.
    My last thoughts went something like this:

    If I don't fight through this urge, I will never make it and never change my bad habits. It's like waking up at 6am; either you push through and get up, or you fall asleep again and lose.
    I contemplated praying for a while to get rid of the urge. In fact, I will do that now.
  8. Youngfella2

    Youngfella2 New Member

    Hey man! Just checking on you, remember me? :D

    It's been such a long time being here and seeing you too. I'm back too again. But this time it feels different, now I feel I'm finally mature enough to pull this off (same age as you).

    And I want to help you too on your journey, let's finish this the way we started it, together!

    And congrats for the full time job and especially family! You're a lucky man and truly have something to fight for, not just for yourself. You can do it man! We both can.
  9. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey I hope you are back and well on the mend. I have been on here before myself before, the only thing that´s really changed is the membership and of course the years. Let´s not lose any time on this ;) wishing you the kind of peace we will never get from satisfying those urges.

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