Journal - Back to Battlesword

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Battlesword1, Mar 29, 2020.

  1. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    So I don't plan on being online much during this beach trip, but Friday-Saturday merits a lot of posting. Bear with me for more tales from battlesword.


    Re point 6 in my last post:
    M broke up with the guy. She told me that on Thursday evening. On Friday we had a group hang out, and the two of us held a sidebar conversation for about 2 hours. It was a very constructive conversation. She asked me why the two of us hadn't become a thing, and I told her a little about the PIED issue. I was VERY nervous about talking to her about this. I had no idea how she would respond. I just wanted her to know it wasn't her fault.

    She was compassionate, genuine, and thoughtful in her response and it really alleviated a lot of emotional burden for me. The kind of trust we've developed is really important to me and to be able to have shared this with her was something I'd debated for a while.

    She asked if I enjoyed what we had done back in March (making out, getting naked together and trying to have sex, oral sex exchange, etc). The answer from me is obviously yes, and I just wanted to be able to try again when I felt I was physiologically ready.

    That night the group crashed at her place, and she offered to let me sleep in her bed with her. Nothing intimate was going to happen since others were around on air mattresses and such, but we spooned the whole night and it was very natural and comfortable.

    So Saturday rolls around and we've got a birthday party for a mutual friend. She comes over, we go to the party (fun times!), and come back. I return the sleeping arrangement favor (again, group of people) and she comes to crash in my bedroom. We end up talking for about an hour, which turned into making out.

    Which turned into sex.

    Sex worked! With M no less!

    It took only a little bit of effort, but not any manual stimulation. Just her grinding a bit on my hips and hearing her respond to me fingering her was what did it and as soon as she whispered that she wanted me, I was hard. I was able to maintain a pleasurable erection for about ten minutes, 5 of which was sex. She appeared to enjoy herself, which just took all the remaining pressure off my shoulders. We both had the post-sex glow the next morning. Lots of post-sex cuddling and she confessed she had wanted to try with me again after the previous issue (and I had held her at bay due to the embarrassment of PIED and trying to "solve" it, as y'all know).

    Point is, the erection came back when needed, worked for sex, and the confidence that comes with that... i've been riding that high all day. I sadly had to kick M and my friends out this morning to drive to the beach to see my folks. I think the week off from M will be good as it will allow me to recover and monitor flatlines and not overdo anything. I had a number of erections on the drive down when I would envision her, so I think that will help with future performance, which I suspect will happen again after I get back.

    I don't know if this will turn a corner with M and if we'll be in some sort of relationship or not. I kind of imagine we will just fall into being together and not realize were "dating".

    I explained to her that rebooting will continue for life, but rewiring is something I can do with her right now. For me, having a partner who is aware of the issues and patient to let me get what I need to get done is a potentially invaluable and rewarding experience and partnership.

    But sex. It's been ages. I'm so glad it worked like I remembered. I very much look forward to doing it again and continuing the rewiring. you know. for science ;)

    technically I should change the counter....?
    -Luke- and LKe like this.
  2. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Once it's done, I'll share it here for anyone who is interested!
  3. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Fantastic news! The confidence that will now lead to should be invaluable. Its also great that M is aware and supportive. I'm so pleased for you :)
    I think i will have that chat with any future partner (probably not on the first date! lol), as, like you say, it could help lift the emotional burden.

    That would be great, thanks.
  4. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Evening gents. Hope y'all are well.

    Had sex again last night. I'm incredibly sensitive down there and do not last long, but it was fun while it lasted. She continues to be amazing and respectful of this process for me. If we don't wait til like 1 am, we could most likely go two rounds at night. And if it's a day off work, once in the morning. I think the second and third times would be longer sessions?

    Overall though, I take this as lots of positives. I get hard just kissing with her. Then the sensitivity is low, which is like I rebooted back to when I was 14-15 years old. The emotional connection is really important to me. I'm just vibing really well with her right now and I just really like where my life is heading. Knowing sex is an option again, and frequent enough, there are no urges to masturbate or even think about porn.
    Guts and Moses1991 like this.
  5. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    I'll be watching this development with interest
  6. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    All really positive news @Battlesword1. :D
    How often are you seeing each other?

    I have dating news myself over on my journal and been thinking of the Coolidge effect and how to manage that after the first rush of excitement.
    By that i mean from the perspective of a porn user and the brain wanting a variety hit.
  7. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Howdy boys,

    Spent the last few days with M, which was very pleasant. We hit a winery (yay things beginning to reopen!), hung out with some friends, watched a movie, chilled and talked on the porch, enjoyed a park, etc. And of course there was sex. Twice in one night no less!

    The first time was the typical short session, like 3 minutes. But we were both super into it still and riled up, making out, grinding, lots of touching... and in about 20 min I was hard again enough for sex. The second time lasted much longer. I think about 15 min, and I'm fairly confident I got her to O with just sex (her words: "I'm cumming") which is just really boosting my confidence. She wasn't in the mood to go again in the morning and then we met up with friends again, so nothing else this weekend. She's out of town the rest of this week.

    @Matt2020 We see each other twice a week or so just one-on-one, plus once with friends usually around during the weekend. I've realized she is not as affectionate as I am. I like to cuddle and give kisses at random times. For me, that builds the emotional attachment that is critical to the rewiring in my view. That's not really her style, though that may happen more as we continue to see each otehr.

    I will also note, the movie we watched was called 365 days. It's on netflix. She had been told by some friends it was good, so we put it on late sunday afternoon. Did not realize it was basically a porn flick (and the movie itself isn't very good). So be warned if that's triggering for you. There is a good amount of female nudity and the way it is filmed is fairly erotic. Fairly confident the actor/actress straight up had sex on camera. I was worried about being exposed to it once we realized what the movie was actually going to be like, but that night was the two rounds (a few hours later).

    Point is, that movie didn't trigger any relapses, didn't trigger any performance anxiety or issues, and didn't ruin the progress I've been enjoying. I'm grateful for how this process has gone for me and I hope each of you reading this find success in your own ways too!
    Moses1991 and Guts like this.
  8. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Well done on your progress, sounds like you're having a great time both in and out of bed :D
    I cant wait for things to start re-opening here. Will be nice to have some good old fashioned dinner dates and days out.
  9. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Thanks man, it's been good. I don't know what will happen when I leave this area in September (she leaves the following winter) and we'll both be in drastically different parts of the world. So I'm taking it all day by day. She got back tonight from her trip, but haven't heard from her yet. We texted only a very small amount this last week/weekend, but I also had a buddy from college visiting so I was busy.

    no relapses, no urges. I think this is what it is supposed to be like in this new world. Slowly approaching the 100 day milestone!
    Matt2020 and LKe like this.
  10. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    No relapse per se, but I had this weird dream about a pornstar I used to really like. It wasn't a sexual dream. She and I were sitting in a cafe and simply speaking french. I dont recall what it was about, but I think we were talking about ordering food. I don't think she actually speaks french in real life either. I woke up and it was just kind of jarring. I ended up googling her, not to see any pics or vids, but to check on the french question. Turns out she now is homeless. The article was a TMZ like article and I guess she is missing teeth now and is not in good shape. Owes a lot of money or something.

    Which just really kind of pissed me off.

    The porn industry is destructive not just to us who get addicted to it, but also those who perform. I always knew in the back of my mind that the women were somewhat taken advantage of or something, but always was able to push that thought away because you'd hear about some who had decent upbringings and still were stars.

    Anyway, just put me in a weird mood for the day.
    Matt2020 and -Luke- like this.
  11. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    With all that I've read about the porn industry, i'm surprised it's still legal.
    Matt2020 likes this.
  12. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Today is 100 days gentlemen.

    Nothing urgent or serious to report. Life has been going on and it's been good. It's what I need and when. Biologically my responses have been more or less where they need to be. Erections are not 7 inch magnums, but they are large and pleasurable enough for me and my partner that I'm not worried. Random erections pop up now and again, but they are there when I need them. There are pretty regularly erections when falling asleep or morning wood several times a week. I don't appear to flatline post-sex. My emotional stability has returned.

    I have no urges to look at porn. I've seen sex scenes in movies / TV shows and was not triggered to relapse. Hell, even the urge to masturbate isn't really there, though I think if I don't have a sexual partner in the future, I will probably MO occasionally, though far less than I did historically.

    As far as I am concerned, this is halfway. Another 100 days (or so) takes me to when I leave my current life and begin the next phase of my adventure.

    So raise a glass of whatever (I got OJ, its the morning after all): here's to the next 100 days!
    igrow, Matt2020, -Luke- and 1 other person like this.
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I raise my cup of tee and salute you (well, probably not at the same time...)

    Congrats on 100 days! You really seem to have your life together.
  14. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Well done @Battlesword1 , its a great achievement, and you've done brilliantly.
    Had i not relapsed, id have been around 80 days now but I take inspiration from your posts so (as you say) here's to the next 100 days ;)
  15. igrow

    igrow Member

    Well done friend.
    Cheers to the first step!
    There will be a celebration for the next.

    Stay strong.
  16. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Cheers Luke, life feels like it's in a good place right now, and I'm just enjoying that simple pleasure for the time being.

    Thank you igrow! it's been a decent journey so far. I feel lucky that I've not run into too many issues, especially during the quarantine life!

    Matt, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. Stay the course and you'll be at triple digits in no time! It really does blow by after the first couple weeks :)

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