Journal - Back to Battlesword

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Battlesword1, Mar 29, 2020.

  1. Wise Hermit

    Wise Hermit Member

    Meh. Does it come from paranoid thoughts? Why wouldn't it work? Just wait for regular morning wood to return

    I also think its a short way to a relapse
    Pete McVries likes this.
  2. Guts

    Guts Active Member Staff Member

    I would say no. But try it out, see what happens. All I know is that when I'm flat absolutely nothing works to get it back other than waiting it out.
  3. Guts

    Guts Active Member Staff Member

    I agree with this^
  4. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    I had never tried any of the pills other than that one time I journaled about in my first post, so was not sure if they would be something to incorporate or not.

    Been super busy over here, which has been good! kept me occupied all week. I did have one random erection pop up on thursday night, all on it's own. The first non-morning wood or random falling asleep erection. I measured it at 5.5 inches, so not bad (average I guess), but I know I can do better. So I take this as a very positive sign the rebooting is going according to plan. Time will tell!

    I also have been gathering a bunch of various exercises so my routine doesn't become too "routine" and thus borin.
    Guts likes this.
  5. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Id also say no to pills if you can help it. You don't want to end up with something else you have a battle to quit in the future.
    Battlesword1 likes this.
  6. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    It was a good weekend. I avoided the pills as suggested. No relapses or urges. Flatlined much of the weekend, though woody was present as I was falling asleep Saturday night.

    I spent 13 hours (no shit) with M just talking and hanging out. 3pm to 4am. It was a good time, and I really do enjoy spending time with her, even if we disagree on a lot of social issues. We've pretty clearly reverted back to being friends, which is really good for me during this reboot stage. I think she senses something is up since I've made no moves on her since the weekend that kicked this whole journaling thing off in the first place.

    I spent sunday morning talking with my BFF and that was also really productive. Did a little exercise, responded to emails and caught up on the news, and then binged on hulu some because I was lazy. I rarely do that TBH.

    Sleep still isn't great. I struggle to fall asleep despite exercise during the day and meditations. I wake up in the middle of the night too. That could be a product more of some other stresses which PIED is influencing, namely, I've come to the very stark conclusion that I wasn't who I thought I was or want to be, but I know how to get there and what I want to be able to give in a relationship when I'm "back to normal" or 100%.

    So keeping on keeping on and feel great about that!
    Guts and Matt2020 like this.
  7. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Long but full week of no relapses and no urges. I've seen some guys relapse around this point in time, so I know I'm not out of the woods on the desire to see a naked woman, but I do feel its been very positive thus far.

    Fantasies largely arrive at night, and are trending more realistic than fantasy. example: it's not about pornstars anymore, and largely not even about sex, more about being in the midst of a relationship, kissing, and cuddling. I think that is all good trends as well since its softening the imagery.

    MW was on point this morning, close to where I remember it ought to be and lasted about 6-7 minutes with no touching. Haven't had a regular erection just pop up yet, though I did touch myself just to bring about an erection (and measured it) just to see that I could, but no masturbation and no O. Was good to see the erection at about 6 inches at it's peak. I know that's playing with fire a bit, but psychologically it was important to me to see that the flatline isn't permanent, and that I could get and maintain a decent erection with nothing other than myself (i.e. no porn, no fantasy, no partner around).

    Music has been keeping me busy, and I'm at work this week to also keep me busy.

    Best of luck this week gents.
  8. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Today was the first random boner I've had. Was at work and had been sitting for a long time to write some emails and reports. I stood up and stretched and I think the movement of clothing brushed the penis is such a way that it responded the way I remember it used to! Popped a pretty good boner for about 6 minutes. Thankfully I was able to just chill in my cube and no one was around, because it was fairly evident in my pants.

    I am proud of this. It was a good day.
    Matt2020 likes this.
  9. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Good (working) week here, and about to enter another isolation week. This transition is always the tough time until I settle into the routine again. Good news is a couple days of good weather on the front end will keep me outside and away from technology, and exhaust me with physical exercise, so I can sleep a bit better too. Sometimes exercise doesn't cut it but fresh air for hours does right?

    I've been reading about a few of the guys here whose recoveries or paths I admire. One of the things I've seen is that something in the ballpark of several months can produce unexpectedly good results. Obviously it changes for everyone. But this is one of the benefits of COVID for me, the isolation from people, and thus the temptations of meeting new people I want to do things with. I'm deathly afraid of having performance issues with a woman before I'm ready for prime time again.

    But anyway, good projects to keep me occupied this coming week of iso.

    And here's to 40 days PMO free, or hard mode as I've learned it's called, lol!
  10. LKe

    LKe Member

  11. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    This week I had some strong temptation. Came about when I was bored on a rainy day. i was in a sullen mood. Wasn't really interested in doing anything but sitting and listening to music. Was totally unproductive. At one point I was looking for some new tunes and got really close to googling some porn up. That was a few days ago and I've been okay since then.

    So here is a gameplan and I'm curious about y'alls thoughts:
    I want to get to two months "hardmode" (no PMO) [62 days or two full months)] and then try to masturbate without porn or fantasy. Part of my reasoning is that I've been reading that for some of the guys here, their rewiring occurs simultaneously as the reboot, except with an actual partner. I'm not yet ready to try again with M, but I also think the reboot has gone well. With the occasional urge exists, I think "taking care" of myself occasionally would help rewire to what is natural (i.e. without the fantasy or porn, like when I was younger). I'd like to "schedule" the masturbation, so it doesn't become habit. Like maybe, once every two weeks? Assuming I can get and maintain an erection without deathgrip and can make myself orgasm, I would consider this a sign of significant progress, seeing as I was deathgriping to porn ~50 days ago.

  12. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Im fairly new to no PMO at 28 days but my urges are getting quite strong and as a single guy the idea of "taking care" of myself occasionally with no fantasy or porn masturbation sounds like a great compromise.
    Your plan is interesting and you will be at the 2 months before me so id be interested to know how you get on but i also don't want to encourage something that might not be a good idea if other longer term guys here think otherwise so hopefully more thoughts will come in.
  13. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Good week. Nothing serious to report. Keep on keeping on.
    LKe likes this.
  14. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Any further thoughts on your plan to MO around day 62?

    Indeed :D
  15. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    yeah, still thinking I'm going to try this out. Probably not actually on the day since I'll be on a trip with some friends and that'd be awkward, lol, but at some point when I get back from that trip next week.

    Been in a bit of a flatline now for a few days, absent the morning woods and occasional erections when trying to fall asleep.

    In other news, M told me today when we were hanging out that she started talking to some guy, and she seems to like him. She wants to invite him to this group trip for memorial day. Not clear exactly if she wants to date him (she's been pretty open about not being interested in dating people for some personal and professional reasons; same as me in that regard). On the one hand, as a friend I'm very happy for her since she needs to find someone she likes and can be with. It also lifts some of the extra pressure off of me that was totally of my own doing and that she isn't even aware of, since if she's off limits, I wouldn't be focusing on thinking about her and how I fucked that up. On the other hand, there is a bit of remorse since I blew my chance thanks to the porn habit and have made no moves over the last two months, so she likely took that as a sign I was uninterested.

    So hear this future me: take this as another lesson in how porn is bad and you are now moving in the right direction.

    So staying off porn still and keeping up the good work for that future woman.
    LKe likes this.
  16. LKe

    LKe Member

    @Battlesworld1 as you say, staying off porn will mean you're ready next time a chance comes along.
  17. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Hey @Battlesword1 , hope your trip is going well and that you're not too disheartened by M's news re a possible new guy on the scene.
    Ive not had that many dates in the last 4 years but i'm sure if it wasn't for PIED, i would have much more success so I understand how frustrating it can be.

    Re the MO, i just wanted to say that the 'Chaser' effect from doing this is quite real and although i don't regret doing the initial MO, I have now done it 6 times in 8 days and that was never my intention, so please be mindful of it. I'm still off porn so I hope to get back on track now and achieve another 30 day min streak.
  18. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Hey all. Been busy this week but wanted to check in and get my journal on. So settle in for the BattleSword BS, haha!

    1. I've not relapsed, or had any urges to even come close to looking at porn for the last 10 days (since my last post, wow it blew by!) Seriously, ten days went by like nothing. I was social, hanging with friends, busy with the trip, work, life in general. It's been really good and productive.
    2. I've been writing a cocktail recipe book. While this is heavily reliant on my computer, I also am focused when on the computer. I'm building the book for family and friends, will get it bound at UPS, have artwork done for it, etc.
    3. I've decided to hold of on my MO concept after reading more about the chaser effect. I've been flatlined for most of the month frankly (though get erections like morning wood or when falling asleep) but nothing in the middle of the day thus far.
    4. I have a pretty big professional life change coming up in September, and that will last for a year. I'm looking at this as sort of my long term goal. I turn 30 in July, so after this life change, I'll be a bit into 31. That seems like enough time to get back into the dating saddle. baring someone awesome walking into my life.
    5. Memorial Day was a great trip. We had 14 good folks in a log cabin in west virginia. Not heavy drinking, but enough to have that good buzz for half the days. We woke up, would go hiking, play yard games, cook out, listen to music, chill at the bonfire, make smores. Couple of dogs running around. It was a great bonding trip. Oh man, one night the sky was so clear we could actually see the "cloud" of the milky way. So many shooting stars and satellites out and about. I was really looking forward to this trip and it paid off.
    6. Speaking of the trip, M's new guy didn't make it for the trip and according to my conversation with her today, seems like that will be ending this week or next. I don't wish that on her, but she seems genuinely unhappy about it. I guess he's been kind of blowing her off to go hang with his buddies. She's not the clingy type, I think she's trying to figure out what this dude's deal is. I'm not looking to replace him or anything. But I do want my friend back. We used to spend hours hanging out and just shooting the shit. I think we're trending back toward that in a way. We spent two hours at lunch today just talking about relationships, family, and life. This coming off the weekend hanging out a lot together; was just really good quality chilling time with no expectations. Honestly, just some female companionship without sexual tension is just really nice right now. It was very similar to how we started out.
    7. I'm going to head to the beach to see my parents next week, which means no relapses since its a two bed condo, there really isn't anywhere to hide, I'll be out on the beach all day, and I've always avoided PMO at the vacation home. Sorta like sacrilege to do it there I guess, so I've always been clean there. It will be good to see my folks, check in on them during COVID, and get some homecooked meals. Plus some actual beach time is super necessary right now.
    8. M's sister is staying with her next week, and she's really cool. I think M was really looking forward to hanging out a bunch with the crew given the good weather forthcoming. She texted asking why I was leaving for all of next week and if I could move it, but I've already shrugged my parents off the last two weeks. And while I'm not desperate for M or anything, it would have been very pleasant to chill out for a week. Regardless, I think things are overwhelmingly positive in my life right now and I kind of don't want to fuck with that.

    We're a little over 2 months clean right now I guess? That's good news!

    Hope y'all are good and staying healthy and happy.
    Matt2020, LKe and -Luke- like this.
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Sounds really good! More than two months is great. Keep it up!
  20. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    That's awesome and sounds like you had a great trip. oh and the cocktail book sounds cool too :)

    You've got plenty going on and you definitely made the right decision to delay the MO.

    Enjoy your time at the beach.

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