Journal - Back to Battlesword

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Battlesword1, Mar 29, 2020.

  1. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Hey everyone,

    I've been lurking for a week trying to figure out if I wanted to join, and I read a great journal by Guts (his log of his journey) and decided I wanted to try my hand at that.

    To start: I am on day 7 porn free (started 22 March following a very embarrassing night with a woman I really like [not dating]). But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

    I am going to just log where I was when I was younger, what happened to me, how I realized I had a bad habit, and what I plan to do/have done to get back to right. If anyone cares to read or not, no worries. This is really just for me to put it all down in one place. Apologies for wall of text up front.

    -----

    I have a bad habit. I have been watching a lot of porn over the last three years or so. I can name 100 porn stars like I could list off my family's names and birthdays. I had a hard drive with about a terabyte of videos I enjoyed. I recognize this now because of a couple of embarrassing moments. And I want to get better. I want my erections to come back like they used to. So here is the start of my story:

    When I was in high school and college, like a lot of young men, I could get erections no problem, and for no reason. Sitting in math class, and the woman next to me sighs in boredom = erection. Riding a bike and a warm breeze goes over my thighs = erection. Driving my car, go over a speed bump = erection. You get the idea. I was also very comfortable with my size and was never embarrassed. Humble brag, but more than once a girl commented that it was a good size. I was full of myself. I was in great shape. I was popular and did well in school. Erections and sex were automatic and often at inopportune times (instead of hanging out with my buds, or going to class). I had a number of girlfriends in HS and college, never had a problem. Lots of hookups, etc. I'm not bragging, but I'm putting this here for myself, to remember what I used to be. The women (whose names I can recall): B, A, E, C, Y, V, D, J, J, A, L, K, S, A, S, A, T, S

    When I graduated college, I got a job in the music industry. I worked nocturnal hours. I had a corporate credit card I could use to buy women drinks. I new the DJs and the bouncers and club owners. I had accounts that were legit for partying. I was the cool guy. I was getting laid all the time, and did lots of things I'm not proud of as a more mature adult. Around 25 I quit the industry (separate from my sex life. I was making no money and my health was declining by constant parties and odd hours). At the same time, decided I wanted to get serious with this one girl, A (third A from above), and we dated for about a year. Sex was a big part of that relationship, like 4-5 times a week. My body got used to that level of regular pleasure and dopamine hits.

    Then I got a new job. One that involves a lot of foreign travel, and its hard to talk about it with people. A didn't get it and we broke up. It was a hard break up. I'd put a lot of effort into this relationship I hadn't done in a previous relationship. I decided I didn't want to date anyone for a while, choosing to focus on me and getting my new career started (FWIW, still doing that career and loving it!).

    I defaulted into porn. I'd seen it around and used it a bit in the off times of high school and college when I wasn't with someone. But this time around, I used it as a replacement for what I lost with A. 3-4 times a week, I'd jerk off and get that stress relief. And It wasn't a big deal. or so I thought.

    I promised myself I'd get another gf and then I'd quit porn. 6 months later, no progress on that front, and I fell further into porn. 3-4 days a week turned into every day. within 1.5 years that was multiple times a day. never at work or when on a family vacation, but every morning it was part of my routine: wake up, work out, wack off, eat breakfast, shower, change, go to work. come home, go through emails, eat dinner, jerk off, work on music or Netflix or gaming or whatever. That routine made it VERY ROUTINE in my mind. I have also lived on my own since college, so I had no potential interruptions.

    My volume of porn increased steadily. Eventually it was multiple times at night. Weekends were especially bad if it wasn't a social weekend for me. If I wasn't hanging with the guys and gals in my life, and was chilling at home, being bored in front of the computer was automatically porn time. Saturdays and Sundays could see 5-6 times a day. blowing blanks by the end of the weekend.

    And I kept having to change up what I was watching. certain things that got me off, didn't do it anymore. I had to hunt for the right video or sequence of videos to get what I needed.

    During this period of time, from early 2017 until last week, I had sex three times, with three different women. One was late 2017, a woman I worked with, named T. She and I got drunk at a house party I hosted, she stayed after everyone left and we fucked. I use that work because that's what it was. We didn't particularly enjoy it, though the piping all worked at that time, even with being fairly drunk.

    The second time was early 2019 with a Japanese woman, also named T. I was on a work trip in a foreign country, so I think the novelty of the whole situation got me over that threshold and allowed me to have erections several times with her over the course of a weekend.

    The third time was summer 2019 and was also during a work trip. Same deal as T, but with S, I did have trouble getting going and they were not as full as I remembered. I should have seen this as the sign (i do now), but at the time I chalked it up to stress, getting older, etc...

    Between each of these events, guess what, more porn. I was also at the point where I wasn't necessarily masturbating anymore, just watching a 20-30 min video like people put the office on in the background. It was noise. Simultaneously, I was also getting into death-grip territory, I later learned it was called. I used to be able to just use one hand and get through it when I was younger. The last six months since summer 2019 with S it was definitely two hands, trying to hold blood flow in I guess?

    In January a new woman came into my life, M. I really like her. and last weekend, she came over. a couple hours drinking cocktails on my porch and we end up in my bedroom. She is gorgeous, way cooler than me, I'm super into her. Somehow she's super into me, and I've become a huge nerd my in my late 20s, lol.

    and I can't get hard. At first its like, oh well, whiskey dick a bit. She tries a blowjob, nothing. We're both completely naked and I'm completely flaccid. My fallback was always I'd go down on her and work myself up. The audio of her enjoying herself was something that I always enjoyed, and worked to help me either stay hard during marathon sessions, but also was something that worked with S to buy myself time.

    With M, to no avail.

    I was super pissed and disappointed in myself. And when she said she wasn't disappointed in me, that just made me feel worse. She left Saturday early afternoon, and I tried to get myself off manually, without porn and it took every ounce of concentration and was not fun at all. Sunday I went to CVS and panic bought some male libido pills because I didn't know what else to do. I really didn't like what that did to me. Nothing on the erection front, and instead just increased my heart rate to what felt like 200bpm. I ran 5 miles to try to burn it out of my system. nearly killed myself I think.

    So with COVID, I'm on isolation too. I can work virtually, but that's only like 4-5 hours of my day. the rest of my Monday, I start researching WTF is wrong with me. I found the Art of Manliness (AOM) which led me to porn induced erectile disfunction (PIED). That led me to this forum and some others. and I started reading about other guys and their stories and realized this was me. On Thursday I admitted it verbally to myself. I recorded a video journal entry to myself detailing all the above.

    On Friday I realized I couldn't go it alone, and called my best friend, O, who happens to be a girl. She's the closest thing I've got to a sister. I can't tell my younger brother about this. sure as shit can't burden my parents. not gona tell my IRL buddies. But I also realized I needed another outlet. I can't burden O with all of it. so here I am.

    So Thursday I deleted the hard drive of porn. I blocked every porn site I could remember the name of. I deleted photos of my exes from facebook and iphoto (couldn't hurt right?). I even removed anime from my Netflix and Hulu lists because sometimes that's quasi-pornographic.

    The next step was identifying the trigger that led to watching porn. I think it was boredom in front of the internet. So okay, how do I replace that bad habit with a good habit, especially in these self-isolation times? well, I started teaching myself piano. also getting into lockpicking. Trying to keep hands busy. I'm also starting to write a lot, sort of a quasi-biography, but also poetry. I dunno. seems appropriate to work through some things in my life.

    Third step was telling someone and beginning to track my efforts (O and this forum).

    I am also pretty science minded kind of guy, so I recognize I raised the dopamine threshold. I need to reset that.

    I also plan to exercise more and eat a bit better to maybe help the testosterone and also work on my own self image and gain some confidence (plus stuck at home, might as well do all the sit ups, push ups, pull ups, wall squats, planking, weights, running, etc).

    First goal was one week. Done. No relapses, no desire to relapse. I think I counted 3 morning woods, though only like half chubs to maybe 75% of what I know I can be. I had two sex dreams this week. One was real in my face about itself too. blond bimbo style.

    Next goal is to get to the end of april with no relapses.

    I'm also avoiding masturabation right now, because my sensitivity down there is shit these days. I used to be able to run a fingernail over the head and have a six and a half inch erection when I was 22. Not these days. That's what I'm trying to get back to. The saturday erection was maybe 60% and like 4.5-5 inches. Well below what I know I cam capable of.

    Goal after that is to get to Memorial Day and see how we do, because M has this vacation for our friend group planned and I could see us trying to hook up again there.

    But I'm terrified she'll text me that she is bored and wants to chill. And that I would want to see her, and that I'd have performance issues again. I doubt she'd give me a third chance after that. She doens't owe me anything. She could find some other guy. I'm not ready to tell her any of this, we're not dating. I don't owe her this level of explanation.

    And so I realized I'm not dependent on her validation. She actually has done more for me at this stage than she will realize. She made me realize I was not 100%, I was broken. I was embarrassed and I hate being embarrassed about myself. I could no longer convince myself I could quit whenever I wanted and it'd be okay. I had kept moving the flagpole and never stopped. And it took its toll on me. So thank you M. Thank you.

    And if this takes longer than she is willing to wait, well then I'm doing this for the next amazing woman I meet and am then 100% ready for.

    A final note and then I will do regular updates for myself here. My family has a history of addiction and depression. Its one reason I've not called this an porn addition, rather I call it a bad habit. While it shares lots of similarities to addition, including a drug like chemical release in the brain, I dont have the shakes from this past week. I wasn't consuming porn at work. It didn't cause me to lose my job, or break up with a girl. Instead, it was a dark specter that took over my life over the last three years.

    With regard to depression, that's a big reason I told O. She and I talk all the time m and she'll know if I start sliding. But it's something I'm trying to monitor in myself as well.

    So here's to one week porn free. With the exception of the occasional morning wood, not erections during this week at all. I'm also trying hard to not touch myself in any manner (not absent mindedly fondling myself on the couch while watching a movie or something) other than shower cleaning *shrug*.

    I plan to spend some time each week reading someones success story and commenting when appropriate. Solidarity among brothers right?

    So I'll end here. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.

    --------

    Here are the links I've been perusing:
    Art of Manliness:
    https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/men-and-porn-an-introduction/
    https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/men-and-porn-why-is-the-pull-of-porn-so-strong/
    https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/the-problem-with-porn/
    https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/the-possible-pitfalls-of-too-much-porn/
    https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/porn-induced-ed/
    https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/how-to-quit-porn/

    Reddit:
    https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/

    Your Brain on Porn:
    https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

    Reboot Nation:
    http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php

    And of course, Your Brain Rebalanced:
    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php

    Welcome other reading material you guys have.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Guts and Merton like this.
  2. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    No relapses or urges today. Random erection just popped up this evening. completely on its own. I didn't touch or encourage it. maybe 3-4 minutes of a decent woody. I call today a victory.
     
  3. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    It is inspiring to see a new person taking control of their life! There are tons of resources out there. Here are some that have helped me the most.

    fightthenewdrug.org (videos, the documentary series brain-heart-world, and articles)
    youtube videos of universal man (playlist "on quitting porn") and noah b church
    "hackbook" of allen carr's easy way to stop smoking (https://sites.google.com/site/hackbookeasypeasy/home). this is probably my favorite resource although the grammer is horrifying.
    breaking the cycle by george collins
    never binge again by livingston
    nofap emergency button
     
    Battlesword1 likes this.
  4. axebattler

    axebattler Member Staff Member

  5. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    axebattler likes this.
  6. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    @Merton and @axebattler thank you for the links and reading/video material! I'm adding them to my list. Every day I delve a little more into the readings and the forums. Just trying to absorb as much as possible while also keeping myself busy.

    Today, no relapse. Morning wood like normal. last night though, my erections just wouldn't go away in bed and I had dreams about M. I was able to avoid going down the rabbit hole too far, but it was effectively a sleepless night.
     
  7. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    no negativity today: flatline all day today. I worked out hard in the morning to try to exhaust myself for the day so I can get some decent sleep tonight.
     
  8. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Was a long ass day. Just dragged on. Like looking at the clock, how has it only been 30 min? Not that there were any urges, but it was one of those days where I know normally I would come home, rub one out and that would ease the stress. So I stayed a work a little longer than normal, came home and immediately started cooking. That took my mind off the temptations.
     
    Wise Hermit likes this.
  9. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    I had to turn off my devices for the weekend basically to prevent myself form a relapse. came out of nowhere. You know how some mornings you wake up and everything is fine, then all the sudden this wave comes over you and you know you're sick and can't go to work? That's what it felt like, but I knew what it was.

    Saturday started all good and normal for the most part. flatlined in the morning, no morningwood, exercised, did some chores, and scheduled to play some COD with a buddy of mine over headset. Before gaming I had some freetime and started to drift into some darker instincts, I'll call em. basically just had to turn the computer off, leave the phone in the apartment and go walk for like an hour. came back, cooked food and then gamed til like 2am. I didn't turn the computer back on until monday morning.

    Sunday was M's bday, my femme fatale. four of us got together for brunch (I know, I know, not social distancing! bad millennials). Was a chill time, we hung out in a nearby park for much of the day singing along to songs, and rotating who was in charge of music. Was a blast actually.

    I had pledged to myself that I wouldn't crash there that night since I didn't want to face the temptation of intimacy just yet this early in rebooting. M's got this thing about being responsible for people doing drinking and driving from her place, and its a losing argument on my end to leave. So ended up crashing there with the other people. So nothing was gonna happen with M.

    Honestly? That was a huge relief. I was worried that she might be interested in messing around again, which normal me pre PIED would have been all game for. But instead, Sunday was very much just a couple of good friends hanging out. I am super okay with that. it was a really good stress reliever. Bounced out this morning. and feel myself getting back into my routine this week.
     
  10. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Oh also, its the start of week three!
     
    Merton likes this.
  11. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Today was good and healthy. I read a lot of the journal entries on here. Very inspiring. Lots of ups and downs for sure, but lots of gents overcoming the PIED challenges. flatlined all day, but *shrug* it will come back, no doubt.
     
  12. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Woke up to a super sexy lingerie dream of M. rock hard for like 15 minutes. That was probably the worst temptation I've had in this process thus far. Brain wasn't fully up to stopping itself (willpower) and my guard was down. So I forced myself to go for a 3 mile run to work that shit out of my system.
     
  13. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Solid morning wood this morning and no idea why. Looks nice outside, bout to go for a bike ride before the winds pick up and the temp drops.
     
  14. Wise Hermit

    Wise Hermit Member

    I remember that'susually a good sign when your morning wood returns. Meaning you are going in right direction
     
  15. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Friday and saturday were generally good days. morning wood each morning, though I think this stems from the erotic dreams my brain keeps shoving in my face. its like it knows its not getting the dopamine hits. so I just try to force myself out of that haze, but the erection this morning was good for like five minutes and I don't really remember what the dream even was about. some amalgamation of a number of women in my past I think (no anyone specifically).

    Anyway, worked on some music all day, was doing a lot of reading on this blog and others, and cooked this evening. that kept me occupied for saturday. also, lots of DJs are starting to livestream during this COVID isolation, so that is something that I know and love (the rave scene) and that gets me a dopamine hit in some ways too: finding new music and being energized.
     
  16. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Took a dump this morning, and bear with me, I had semen leakage for 15-20 minutes after. I know that the movement can pass over the prostate and that can apply pressure. But I'd never had this much leakage as a result. It wasn't a full on ejaculation (especially since it was slow), but definitely a noticeable amount in the end. I figure this is because I've been storing up semen and not masturbating in, well 21 days now.

    Sleep is still spotty. I go to bed around 2300 and wake up around 0430-0500, fall back asleep by 0530-0600, and wake up about 0900 then start my day. I have to get up and walk around a bit or mediate when that mid-night wake up happens. Not sure if its erotic dreams I don't remember (sometimes woody is present), or some other sort of restless-ness.

    Over the last week I definitely hit an emotional flatline in parallel with my dick flatline. I know this period of time can last for varying time periods, and in this for the life-long haul, so I'm not terribly worried about that. Social isolation is going generally fine I think, and I'm sure I would have less emotional flatline if I was able to hang with my buddies and work like normal. c'est la vie.
     
  17. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think this could likely be the cause. In my case, when I haven't had an orgasm in weeks I have more chances of getting some leakage at random times. Especially if I am very horny. Sometimes, I could be fantasizing a bit, far in a streak, and I'll almost feel a strange tingling feeling down there as if I am going to orgasm (without even being hard) ; made worst when I have to pee. In my (non medical) opinion it's because of having a lot of semen stored down there.

    I can't remember experiencing something like this when I orgasm often.
     
  18. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 I think the peeing part definitely played into it as well, because pretty much right after the leakage was mostly done, I had a short piss. The body is weird.

    Good day back in the work rotation today. I was reading the rewiring league postings last night so here are my five:
    1. Did you avoid watching porn today? YES
    2. Did you receive at least 8 hours of sleep last night? No, that continues to elude me.
    3. Did you interact with a beautiful woman today for more than 2 minutes? Yes, M for like 1.5 hours today. Then called my BFF O and we chatted for another 1.5 hours on the phone.
    4. Did you avoid fantasizing about intimacy today? Yes, no issues with this today.
    5. Did you spend at least 30 minutes doing a healthy activity today? About 20 for exercise this morning (pouring outside so couldn't run). Does an hour cooking dinner count?
     
  19. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    This morning, like 0400, I awoke to a raging boner. Very proud because it was a really good one and it lasted about 5-6 minutes with me actively trying to not do anything to keep it up. I think it was the result of a foot fetish dream. I'm not into feet, and I think I only woke up cuz I rolled over onto my dick. Got to sleep again about 0500 after I did some light weight work and drank some water. back up at 0700 for work.

    I think I will be in a semi-emotional flatline and for sure sexual flatline until I can clear out my brain of these dreams and fantasies. Once I get past those, I think my libido will come back and erections will return more like normal?
     
  20. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    So all has been good this week. It's been busy between work, cooking, setting up projects and social calls for next week. I think the erotic dreams may even be beginning to die down a bit. Def still sexual flatline like it's been.

    Here's a question for you all. Do you think it helps your confidence at all to take a libido pill or two every now and again just to see if it works and you can get a big erection during the flatline periods without any stimulation or porn? Someone mentioned it in another thread that they were taking ED pills pretty often, and to me it sounds kind of like a crutch, but at the same time I do wonder if that's something to use, and then dial back as your regular libido works back? Thoughts?
     

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