Journal - 26M, PIED got better, mentally still long way to go.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Blufalco, Dec 10, 2013.

  1. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Went on a date this Saturday. Girl reached out to me. It's not love at first sight, but I do really dig her physically. Personality wise she's pretty cool too. I am going to try to not PMO while this girl is in play.
     
  2. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Nice one mate. I did the clenching as well so much that if I even think about porn my pc muscle starts to clench.

    Good luck with your new girl.
     
  3. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Day 0

    So I took a break from this forum after finishing the 90 reboot. Long story short, I was able to have sex with a condom with a one night stand girl. I know a lot of people are curious about the mechanics but basically I will just say that if you rule out medical issues, and having trouble sustaining an erection, then you just need to abstain and your brain should reset.

    I experienced a lot of benefits of rebooting, but I have encountered some medical issues which have set my health and spirits back. Somehow during this time, I've met a cute girl . I like her personality, she's considerate and funny and eager to hang out. However, I have 2 big concerns: (1) she just graduated college which means she's really young. I suspect that in my prior relationship, I was a rebound for my ex bc I was so different from her exs. In this one, I hate to carry demons but I don't know how she's going to change as she matures and if she'll start wanting different things (2) This is the first girl whose appearance is on par with mine. What I mean is, I consider myself a strong 6 or weak 7. To be perfectly frank, I have confidence issues stemming from my childhood so I think I seek validation by lusting after hot women that are 8s or above. I have enough going for me that I was able to enter relationships with 3 hot girls (8s or above) in the past, but the same insecurity that drove me to seek them doomed me in my relationship with them.

    This girl that I'm with now is a good girlfriend. She's funny, considerate, and smart. She has a decent job, but has made it clear that her career is not her priority. The biggest problem I face is that when I'm with her in public. I can't help but notice OTHER girls. Like, I feel like an asshole but yesterday we had a date and I just could not for the life of me stop noticing how hot some OTHER girls were. In my head, I can probably count 7 other girls who I was like "wow, I would let you walk all over me". The thing is, none of them would probably give me the time of day. But it's like that fucking devil in the back of my head is still like, "damn, look at that chick".

    Additionally, the first time me and this girl kissed, I had a boner. However, yesterday when we kissed I didn't feel anything physical. I'm not sure what to do. I think partially it's cuz I don't like the way she smells. Lol, I realize that probably sounds funny but I don't mean that she smells bad or has BO. I just don't like her perfume or shampoo or something. I dunno. She just smells weird to me, not very girly I guess.

    I also PMOed today. I don't feel terrible about it...and I didn't have to clench much. However, I seriously don't know what to do. I feel like I need to grow up and realize not everyone gets to fuck supermodels. I want to feel grateful for this girl who's cute and likes me. But I'm a fucking idiot and mentally I'm still not over lusting after hot women all the time. Still, I made a lot of progress last time physically so I'm hoping I can continue to make progress physically but this time also start to mature mentally and emotionally.
     
  4. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Its because for you sex is the main priority on your mind. Thats fine but a relationship with a cute girl you find mildly attractive is not going to satisfy you if your lusting over girls all day when your out.

    I think either live single and date more women for now your still young or really look at other qualities this girl has as a priority. You said she was cute so its not like its someone you dont find attractive at all.
     
  5. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Day 1

    @Gameover: yup, you are absolutely correct on both fronts: (1) i still have sex on the mind and (2) i need to appreciate the other qualities this girl has.

    typing out this journal is definitely helpful. as I type out my thoughts, I realize how foolish I come across. Hopefully, I can begin to truly understand my own foolishness and appreciate that I have someone here whose company I enjoy. And yes, I am lucky bc I do find this girl cute, its not like I don't find her attractive at all.

    As for my erectile health, even though I PMOed yesterday I still woke up with morning wood this morning. It was prob 7/10. What I want to avoid the slippery slope some people encounter when they relapse completely after the 90 days because they get cocky. I am trying to teach myself to be grateful that my body has healed considerably and continues to show me signs of progress. Mentally and physically I am healing but far from recovered and that needs to be my mindset.
     
  6. whiterayn

    whiterayn New Member

    Keep going with the cutey! In the long run, which it seems you are after, it is so much better to be with someone you are attracted to, whose personality you like, than a really hot girl who is as interesting as wallpaper paste. At least see where it could go. There is no point in looking back regretting what could have been. Seems like you definitely felt a spark with her instantly, and she sounds like she could be great for rewiring which could bring you really close. I played it too slow with a girl I was not sure about, but then finally realised I had feelings for her when it became too late. Much better to regret something you have tried than something you haven't even bothered trying.
     
  7. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Day 2

    no update but just coming here to write to keep myself honest and its easier than counting the difference in days

    had a spontaneous boner getting out of the car at work. it seems to be one of the more frequent times that i get them

    i somewhat feel normal bc i remember when i was first rebooting, even going without a day seemed like i was fighting with myself. now 1 days is no sweat. just have to repeat this constantly
     
  8. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Day 3

    when im going to bed, i start fantasizing. other than that, pretty calm during normal waking hours.

    im a little down cuz i objectively don't know if ill ever be "cured". I feel like PMOing a few times has made my erection weak again, so now when I look at stuff I sorta need to clench a little which is a terrible habit. It sucks that I don't know if I'll ever truly kick it, even tho my habit is so much less than before.

    A year ago, I was PMOing 4 times a day pretty regularly. Now, I'm down to 4 times a week. Ultimately, I think I need another cleanse to continue healing bc I feel like when I do PMO now I have SOME although certainly not all the issues I had in the past.

    Another thing I've realized is once I start edging, I am on a slippery slope. I prob just need to go ahead and rub one out at that point instead of edging for a few days at a time until I accidentally go overboard.
     
  9. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Day 1

    I PMO'd once per day from Tuesday to Friday. Today was clean.

    I'm still struggling with a lot of issues. Again, I need to keep things relative because they are better than they were at the start of this journey in many ways. However, I'm really struggling with a couple things:
    1) I can't help check out other girls. I really like my current girl's personality. And she's really close to what I want but I can't help but stare at her face and notice a couple things that really bother me:
    a) crows feet around her eyes even tho she's only 23
    b) skin on her face in general is bad
    2) next time I see her I could prob sleep with her. however, I'm not sure if my equipment is still functioning given my recent relapses. even worse, i'm not sure if i care.
    3) she's definitely a bad kisser. like, i don't know what makes a good kisser per se, and i think she's really into me. but i always feel like as soon as we get into a rhythem, she shifts and i'm like not sure what's going on. She uses her tongue badly and sometimes bites my lip lol.
    4) I still compare this girl to my past gf and potential gf...why do i torture myself. my exs tore me up...couldn't handle their crazy ways. this girl is cool, makes me laugh, makes me happy...why can't i care less about the physical?
    5) this girl gives me a lot of confidence. if i didnt have her in my life, i dont think id be as comfortable with myself. Friday night I stayed in and relaxed, bc thats what i wanted to do. if i didnt have her, id prob have dragged myself out...so what the fuck is wrong with me.
    a) however, i keep thinking...what if i can do better...bah...sorry for this self-pity party. just can't get out of my head
     
  10. whiterayn

    whiterayn New Member

    Just remember this mate, at this time in your life it is not worth the emotional hassle to go chasing the game playing ones. Maybe just be friends with this girl. Sex is not everything, especially while rebooting, and if she makes you happy in other ways then perhaps talk to her about it and keep her in your life without the pressure or relationships or performing sexually.
     
  11. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    whiterayn: thanks for your advice. i understand objectively that the game-playing ones aren't worth the emotional hassle. unfortunately, doesn't stop from my lizard brain to lust after them, esp with social media making it so fucking easy for me to see what they are doing.

    unfortunately, i think i will have to motivate myself via another route: recovering from PMO is not just abstinence, it's also about rewiring. and i definitely need to rewire as i have yet to have a healthy sexual relationship. i don't find this girl unattractive, she has a nice body (also a runner like my ex). i just have trouble getting over her face. however, i know 2 girls from college whose face cleared up alot.

    ultimately, i need to just get over myself and try to rewire if i have any chance at happiness later on down the road.
     
  12. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Just relapsed.

    I had an important thought tho. It's one I've had before, with that other girl too. I'm not marrying anyone...I'm dating them. If I genuinely like them, I'm not being dishonest about my feelings. Things don't have to be perfect, but I'm never going to be happy if I compare the best qualitities of people I've known in the past with the not-so-best qualities of the people in my life in the present.

    Basically, I wrote this to myself a while ago: People who are beautiful have been fed with a silver spoon all their lives. They've never had to go through periods of self-introspection to improve, bc people have always forgiven them and given them everything on a silver platter just for their appearnce. It's illogical that a beautiful person who's well rounded would settle for a person less attractive than them, unless there are other factors that balance it out.

    I think that one day, I may be able to accumulate enough other things in my life that I'd be able to balance the scales in my favor. however, as of now the only 8s and above that I'm able to attract are the crazy ones who other male 8s have discarded bc the female 8s are too crazy.

    the best thing for me to do right now is to enjoy the company of the girl im with. rewire with her. bc i do like about her and i think i could be good for her, even if im not 100% in love with her looks. she's super young, so it's not like either of us are rushing to the alter.

    i feel more at peace now and i want to give this relationship an earnest shot. so....will try my best to stay clean.
     
  13. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Past 2 days are ok. Joseph87 reminded me that I need to not look at things in such an absolute context. If I'm with this girl now, that doesn't mean I have to be with her the rest of my life. I can just enjoy her company for now bc overall I do like her. If I change my mind later, or decide it's not going to work out long term, I have that right as well.
     
  14. chizzleman

    chizzleman New Member

    Glad to see you back on track man. Over the course of this thread you have mentioned mid to some substantial progress. Has that died off? Do you think it is a result to your fapping?

    I definitely think alike, probably because we both have good hears and some crazy bitch f'ed you up before. Remember that happened for a reason. I think for me, it was to realize I was in control of what I want to happen. Often, when you hear a girl say she loves you or would never hurt you or this/that, you start to believe them and give them power to your happiness. Maybe you start to see them as who you're gonna marry. The lesson I've learned is that girls do this to gain power. It sucks, because you think you don't want to play games, but you realize you need to play it back. You kind of have to, to be honest, in every little way. Push pull, bad guy, etc. I'm still learning post the stages above, but you definitely need to play the game and game girls to get them under your power.

    Back to it, I hope you start seeing progress. I honestly haven't looked at porn in 9+ months, which at that time, was 100% phub. I have masturbated a view times basically browsing pictures on tinder and I don't feel like my erections are anywhere near where they need to be. Hopefully progress soon.
     
  15. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Day 0

    hey Chizzle, good to hear from you. I'd say I've definitely lost some ground, but would not say it's died off. I can still get hard to pictures, and I don't have to be sitting and clenching to get off. That being said, my erectile health has definitely taken a step back. I don't know why I was able to go through my first run but am struggling so much this time around. I need to get myself back on track.

    With regards to my ex, I'll be honest, I'm mostly over it. However, I do agree with you that every girl, regardless of what she says, is playing some game. I hate playing games but in some ways as guys we have to adopt an us vs them mentality. If we don't play, we'll always be the losers...and I'm tired of losing.

    Thanks for your words of encouragement, I hope you start seeing progress on your journey as well. Best wishes man!
     
  16. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Day 2

    Had an outrageous boner and morning wood this morning. Erection at 8/10. Not sure I can stay strong today, I'm getting really tempted and I sleep so much better after PMOing
     
  17. Ising

    Ising New Member

    Stay strong man. That sounds like chaser effect. It is tge maib reasons relapses are so bad, because we just dont relapse, we go deepibto that shit again. Take one day at a time. If you have trouble sleeping maybe try takibg some king of drug that helps. Just a couple more days and the chaser should be gone
     
  18. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Day 0

    PMOed last night and slept like a baby. Woke up this morning to a fantasy as well. I wish I could say I regreted it more, but I feel so much better this morning than yesterday morning when I slept for less than 5 hrs and awoke to a raging boner.

    @ Ising: you're prob right in that it's the chaser effect.

    I'm somewhat dissappointed in my relapse. I can't even seem to string together a 7 day stretch, something I was able to do EASILY when I first started this process. I wonder if part of it is my normal libido has come back. I'm not TERRIBLY dissappointed in myself though because if this kind of becomes my steady state post reboot (2 or 3x a week), I think that's a LOT more healthy than my steady state prior to the reboot which was 4 or 5 times a DAY.
     
  19. Hey man, how are you? Been a long time since you posted. Hope everything's alright.
     
  20. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Hey SB, appreciate you checking in. I think I will start posting again. I'll give a brief summary of where I was and where I am now:

    When I started, I was PMOing like 4 or 5 times a day. I couldn't even get super hard, most of the time I'd come with a really limp penis that I had to stroke really aggressively while clenching my PC muscles.

    I think I did like 70ish days no PMO, and no MO. It was like the hardest time of my life, although it did coincide with losing a girl I loved. Now, I'm back to PMOing although I'll only do 1x a day. However, I know that I still do clench, and my erections aren't like top quality. I don't think I'm going to be as strict with myself as last time, since it made it unbearably difficult. However, I will try to refrain.

    On the ladies department, I have a couple of interesting leads. Girl S is really friendly when we text, but she never initiates. We've only hung out twice, hopefully we will meet up again. Girl M I'm meeting up for coffee today. And Girl A is really nice....I was realy skiddish when I messaged her but she wrote like paragraphs back. I need to chill the fuck out with her, bc she might like me...However it's hard to tell with Girl A bc she is so friendly to everyone.

    Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving break!
     

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