Journal - 26M, PIED got better, mentally still long way to go.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Blufalco, Dec 10, 2013.

  1. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Day 75

    MW 4th day in a row. 6/10 altho the body feels really full, the head definitely feels lacking. Still 4 days in a row!!! Also I *think* my girth might have gotten thicker, I feel like I can whack someone lol.

    Sleeping better, mood still solid, working out consistently. Only bad thing is biting nails and eating bad food.

    Neither good nor bad, noticed I'm more closed off than before. I think this must be what it feels like to be a man. Before I couldn't help but blabber my feelings to anyone around me. I think I "feel" less than before, and even when I do, I don't feel like talking about it as much bc things don't bother me as much. I'm really happy about this bc I think this will make me less dependent of a person.
     
  2. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Peeked and Med for under 3 min. It was getting to the point where peeking was all I could think about, was going crazy. Hopefully I have it in me to last another 15 days. I'm good for now.
     
  3. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Day 76

    No morning wood today :( Altho I already knew this, my urges to peek at P are definitely not driven by true horniness. If they were, I feel like I'd have a harder time falling asleep bc I'd be fantasizing and what not as I fell asleep. Instead, I actually had no urges as I was going to bed.

    Kinda regret peeking now, since it threw off my progress. But I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. If I didnt peek, thinking about peeking was consuming all my thoughts. Those feelings kind of abated so now all my willpower is not tied up fighting them. Unfortunately, I do have some blue balls.

    Now when I was Ming, there was progress but still not as much as I'd like to see. I got started sitting down but then I stood up and tried to keep it going. I was able to do that. My erection was stronger than it had been in the past, especially the shaft but the head of it still felt kinda soft. I'd say it was about 7/10. However, what was promising was that I did not have to clench at all. Also, I was Ming at thrusting speed (in fact, I wasn't Ming so much as thrusting into my hand). So all that marks MAJOR improvement.

    I need to remind myself of those things. This isn't something that's gonna get healed quickly. But the key is the realize that I am healing.

    Improvements:
    Erection strength is better, ability to maintain erections in different posture, ability to maintain erection with more normal stimulation. Also morning wood.


    Milestones
    I want locking erections. The ability to get hard from sensation alone. Fully engorged head. Spontaneous erections.

    When I start getting some of the milestones, I feel like I'll start feeling real progress because those were my goals from the very get go.
     
  4. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    This is so hard. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up 14 days later. I think the problem now is I feel good. Before, when I was depressed I didn't want to do anything.

    PMOing is like alcohol to me. I used it when I felt down to feel better. I used it when I felt good to celebrate the good times. I don't care about myself, I don't care about my trip...I just want to enjoy myself. Fuck. That's a terrible mindset. I think I need to start trying to seriously date again. But if I do that, I think it'll rush things with girls. So catch 22.
     
  5. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Day 77

    Peeked again for 1 min last night. I didn't have any strong urges, it just kinda hit me when I was watching the late night basketball game. I think it's a lot easier to make bad decisions when your body is tired so I'll have to be careful with that.

    Despite that, not all was bad. My boner is definitely getting harder. Id say I had one that was 8/10. And I did not M at all.

    Unfortunately, I did not have morning wood again so I think peeking is stalling my progress a little. Need to get back on the horse.

    Last night was also a mini blessing in disguise. I had dinner with my friend and his wife. It was my first time meeting his wife and she is gorgeous. Now, my friend is really really smart and financially successful. However, she is extremely smart and successful in her own right (they are both doctors who graduated from ivy league schools). Now, I'm not one of those guys who thinks that if it happens for someone else, it can happen for me. But at the same time, I realized if I ever want to have the kind of love that my friend has I need to get my body right.

    Finally, my skin is getting better. I don't know if it's the weather (which is might be) or the reboot but I've had really really minor but persistent acne on my cheeks for the longest time. It's starting to go away...so all the more reason to continue this reboot.
     
  6. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    I'm tempted again, but this time I'm typing up this journal entry instead of peeking. It's worrisome to me that I'm thinking about it all the time now tho lol. I seriously had no difficulty not looking at P at the beginning of this journey. Now it's like all I think about. Wtf brain wtf.

    However, I take minor solace in the fact that I do not think I will look at porn ever again. What I mean is I will keep myself limited to pictures and GIFs. Maybe eventually I will remove GIFs from my allowable habits.

    I don't think pics long term will be that harmful. Even if I think about it now, it actually creates almost no excitement in me. Hrm...GAHHHHHHHH
     
  7. chizzleman

    chizzleman New Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    I think I'm at a similar part in my journey to you. I have noticed some better erections and I'm desiring to bang some girl pretty bad. I'm getting more and more excited by my own thoughts and by looking at simple pictures again! I do have an urge to MO to these pictures though.
     
  8. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    We need to stay strong. That might be our libido coming back!
     
  9. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Day 78

    Peeked again for 5 min yesterday. Really weak and short-lived morning wood today, probably 3/10.

    Hosted party at my place last night. I feel like the world is kinda telling me I really need to get this shit fixed, and I am just like still not believing. One of my good friends last night who I haven't seen in a while (he thought I moved, and I was bad about connecting bc of the shit going on with my ex & he fell out of my hangout group) came rolling in with a beautiful girlfriend. She had a killer smile, and amazing personality. This friend, like my married friend, is really similar to me (altho I'm sure my married friend is smarter and richer lol). This friend last night is also incredibly funny and charismatic. I think those are somewhat innate traits but I feel like it'd be easier to change that about my life than some other parts of my life (most readers here won't know what I'm talking about but I prefer to keep this to myself until I've come to a more concrete decision).
     
  10. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Day 80

    I got an erection watching an episode of Scrubs yesterday. It was a pretty sexually laden episode, but still encouraging.

    Fighting urges to peek all the time. I'll be honest, I've been peeking almost every day. It's rough.
     
  11. gospo23

    gospo23 Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Maybe you can add an extra timer. I think it helps for me.
     
  12. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Day 81

    I got a spontaneous boner today! It was really weak 3/10 but it accompanied me for 5 minutes on my commute to work. It was a little awkward bc I carpool and it was still there when I got out of the car to grab my bag out of the trunk.

    I slept really well last night, so I'm not sure but I think I also had morning wood. This has been weaker as well, I think as the result of my peeking.

    @Gos: Appreciate the tip. I'll prob keep just one bc I'm too lazy to update separate trackers.
     
  13. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Day 82

    Holy shit I am almost a week away from 90.

    Weak morning wood yesterday; 4/10. I'm sick this week so that's kinda put a damper on my desires to look at P.
     
  14. gospo23

    gospo23 Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Ey man,

    I hope you will increase the 90 days to a 120. It would be great to follow your further progress. Very inspiring!

    Take care!
     
  15. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Gos: thanks for commenting. It's nice to know that my journal is encouraging.

    This week because of my sickness I feel like I could stretch it out a little longer. I doubt I'm going to make it to 120, but we will see.

    I think one thing (if readers care to) is to remind me of the progress we have all experienced.

    I try to go back and reflect, but sometimes its hard because the days are long, and this whole journey has felt like its taken forever. But really, it's only been ~ 3 months. And what's 3 months compared to > 10 years of abusing our bodies and minds?
     
  16. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Day 83

    Still recovering from my illness, which I think has sent me back to a flatline. Or flatline may have been on its way back anyways, but based on how often I was thinking of P before I don't think so.

    Weak morning wood when I wake up, altho I feel pretty weak in general so not unexpected.
     
  17. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Day 84

    So starting to feel a little bit better from my illness, which has coincided with the return of urges to peek.

    Experienced a spontaneous erection last night while studying lol. Nothing less sexy than hitting the books, so I find it encouraging that I'm getting these back. Unfortunately, I also peeked at P shortly after and couldn't get a gif out of my head.

    I'm also trying to change the way I think about girls. Last night I had dinner with a girl I've been talking to at board night. She's the same one that showed up to running randomly, and texted me about a dinner event. Oh, and she was also the one that suggested having the dinner (she was working late and so was I).

    The thing is, prior to reboot I don't think I would have ever gone out for dinner. She's attractive, prob 6.5/10. However, I assume she's very conservative so I didn't think she'd be willing to engage in sexual activity. However, after spending a lot of time on this forum, reading Underdog's writings, etc, I started to force myself to realize that sex is such a small part of a relationship. I see on facebook pictures of a few married couples with girls that I either dated or think I had a serious opportunity to date. And I didn't go for it. And you know what? They aren't girls that I look at and I'm like, damn I wanna sleep with them. Like, they're attractive and I certainly would like to. But more that I look at them and think...wow that girls really pretty. I remember how easy it was to talk to her, and how supportive she was of me. I need to realize that that is the true foundation of a relationship.

    That being said, this particular girl that I went out to dinner with...I'm not sure we have that level of connection. I feel like there's a big of a language barrier...so like we connect and we actually sorta connect but it feels like a really shaky one. However, I did learn a lot about her last night and most of it was super positive. So I think I'll keep talking with her and whatnot. We'll see if it leads to anything tho...
     
  18. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    So, I'm a little depressed right now (feel like work is in a rut). However, I must say I M'd to some P today (no O). I stood up and Md. I didn't move my hand, so I was only able to simulate myself at the speed that I'd be able to actually thrust. Essentially, my dick felt pretty solid. I kept worrying I was able to blow so I basically forced myself to relax my ass (almost like I was taking a dump). This helped ward off blowing my load.

    I'm not sure if my ED is cured bc I'm not with a girl. However, I must say seeing my penis able to be raised while I am standing instead of sitting down is huge progress in my book.

    I think if I wasn't kinda blue over work I'd be significantly more excited.
     
  19. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Getting back from a party. Man, I feel so conflicted bc I can't deny the benefits of NoFap. The girl that I had dinner with last night is texting me, I'm talking to other girls at the party so easily, there are girls who catch my eye and maintain contact.

    However, I'm still battling 2 things: (1) Even tho these real life girls make me feel so much better than porn girls, I still can't deny the attraction that porn holds over me. It's like, they fulfill me in different ways. Interacting with the girls at the party tonight made me feel satisfied the way like eating a warm, nutritious broth or soup. It's filling in a slow, significant way that leaves me with positive reverberations after my encounter with them. Looking at porn girls is like binging on sugary snacks or soda. IN THE MOMENT, I feel a sense of heightened pleasure in a way that I never will with soup. However, unlike the soup, the soda leaves me feeling empty and dealing with other problems bc of how bad it is for me. If I have soup in my life, soda will be easier to resist, even tho the cravings might always be there. However, that leads me to my second problem:

    (2) My last girlfriend was a solid 7.5, potential 8. Like she was hot to the point where I wanted to show her off. Our company has these meetings where significant others are invited. And our company is small, but fairly prestigious. Everyone around my age has a pretty beautiful significant other. I would say the average significant other is a 7, with a few 8s, and maybe one or two 6s. These girls that I'm meeting at the parties would be so much better for me long term than my ex. But I can't help but in those few moments, I want eye candy on my arm to show all the other guys what I am capable of pulling down. The thing is tho, I feel like my other coworkers have been alpha most of their lives so when they pull down a 7 or above, it's a 7 with a great personality. The girls I've attracted all have mental issues lol. The 6s that I've been interacting with at these parties have great personalities. And I really do think if I was able to land one as a girlfriend it would be a huge benefit for my life. However, maybe bc of my porn brain I still, at this moment, feel like I would be settling. *Sigh*

    However, rebooting is amazing. Maybe it's bc I'm starting to think of myself as a 7 in a land of 6s, but I feel like I talk to any girl, and they're somewhat interested in me. Unfortunately, as I say this I think I will end the night with a peek of porn. Fuck me and my stupid lizard brain. No, actually tonight I won't. But it's forever tempting me.
     
  20. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling PIED

    Day 85

    5 days left!!!!!!!

    Woke up with morning wood again. Strength was 6/10. It was like the morning woods I was getting before where the shaft of my erection was almost lock-hard but my head was still soft.

    However, something is still wrong mentally. My mood has definitely dipped. The nice feelings I got from talking to the girls yesterday disappeared. I feel lonely again...fuck. There are a lot of negative thoughts assaulting me. Like, sometimes I feel like such a fraudster. When I go out I put so much effort into my appearance. Hair, clothes, cologne. When I'm on my own I feel like a slob. Hoodie, baggy kahkis, face and hair is a mess. I know I sound like a girl right now. Fuck. I just feel like how will I ever live with someone I care about; altho I know I'd change for someone. But damn...my brain is not my friend right now.
     

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