Journal - 26M, PIED got better, mentally still long way to go.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Blufalco, Dec 10, 2013.

  1. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    I'm a normal, healthy 26 yr old male. I got checked out by a doctor on 12-07-2013 and I have no health issues that would cause ED. However, I do not get an erection if I masturbate by myself (without porn), and I cannot achieve an erection when I'm with a girl.

    I started PMO with pictures at 14. I masturbated multiple times a day (3-5x), usually very quickly so I could pop one off before I hopped in the shower. At 16 I progressed to internet porn. My tastes never got more extreme than straight heterosexual porn, but I noticed my erections getting weaker and weaker (like 50-70%). Additionally, none of my erections lasted very long so if I didn't cum quickly I would lose it.

    I have been able to put together streaks of 7, 11, and 17 days. I relapsed when things started getting serious between me and my new girlfriend. I wanted to test some condoms and that resulted in me PMOing 4 or 5 times last week. We tried to become intimate 12-06-2013 and my dick was beyond limp. I actually thought it shriveled up. Luckily, she was very sweet and thought it was performance anxiety.

    I am pulling out all the stops to fight my ED problem because this girl is very special. I am planning to see her this weekend. I haven’t decided if I will try the Cialis my doctor prescribed, or disclose the issues I’m facing. Maybe I’ll try both?

    I’ve read a few other journals and some people have mentioned how difficult it was to start no PMO. As mentioned above, I've put together a few streaks before so starting out is no longer that challenging for me. However, some words of encouragement for brand new beginners are as follows:

    1) Block websites that show any sort of provocative images.
    2) Delete all stashes of porn. This is something you got to commit to forever, so don't save a favorite scene or anything.
    3) There are IMMEDIATE benefits. I probably should have started with this.
    I noticed the following after just 3 days of not PMOing:
    i) deeper voice
    ii) more confidence
    iii) less brain fog
    iv) more willpower (I stopped biting my nails and quit caffeine already. I had been biting my nails longer than I had been PMOing).
    v) I'm not a big guy. About 5'7", 155lb. Decent looking but nothing to write home mom about. However, I noticed A TON more girls started paying attention to me when I stopped PMOing. As mentioned above, I recently started seeing a girl. There were definitely moments where the old me would have backed off but the new no-PMO me persevered through.
     
  2. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    So today is day 4/5. I started my journal yesterday, and forgot to make note that I experienced a tiny erection yesterday morning on the commute to work. We're talking probably 1 out of 10.

    Today though, I woke up with morning wood. It was probably 3 out of 10, one of the best I've had in a long while. I had a few similar small morning erections during my previous 7 & 11 day streak, but I actually never experienced one during my prior 17 day streak. That was probably one of the reasons I relapsed, was my paranoia that things weren't noticeably improving. After reading a ton more resources online, I realize that everyone heals at their own pace. Worrying about it does no good.

    Also, I'm also not sure the morning erection is entirely a good thing. I spent the entire night regretting my ED, playing back the scene the previous Friday with my gf...sigh. I definitely felt some stirrings thinking about it last night but it wasn't terribly difficult to abstain from MOing.

    Overall, my health outside PMO has probably been nearly the best of my entire life. My gf asked me to do several races with her. I was never much of a runner but the races are 6 months away so I decided to start training. Recently I've been able to run 3 miles without feeling too winded.

    As mentioned also, I've been able to quit biting my nails and caffeine, cold turkey. I wasn't even able to quit biting my nails when I used to put gunk on my nails to deter myself from biting them, so at least I've overcome some other bad habits. I keep wishing the rest of the days will fly by, but I will be patient and try to work through these issues.

    I keep going back and forth as to what to do when I see my gf this weekend. I don't know whether to pop Cialis and try to have sex , or just to pour everything out.

    Edit: adding to day's entry at night: so I'm actually not having too difficult of a time of resisting P. The MO part is probably what I was more addicted to. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I don't even feel that strong of an urge to MO; it's just that it was such a significant part of my life before that it feels routine (like brushing my teeth).

    However, that's not to say I'm without negative feelings. I am feeling impatient. Frustrated. And so alone in all this. I wish I had friends who went through this so I could have someone to confide in.

    Kinda rambling right now, but I guess my main feelings are just frustration. That's better than despair though. I'm trying to take strength in the fact that nofapping helped at least a few people recover from their ED. And there aren't any other factors stacked against me according to the doctor, hopefully if I just give my body time it will return to normal. Anyways, time to go to bed but this rant helped me release some pent up feelings.
     
  3. richard29

    richard29 Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Hey man, sounds like you're PIED is like mine when I started rebooting. With relapses I can masturbate on my own and get hard with a girl, yet maintaining an erection is the problem for me.

    However, still, for both of us it's too early to get any results from our erectile health. It's really necessary to go multiple months with no orgasms and then see where we are. At this time, things will get worse before they get better. I usually get pretty hard in the first week of noPMO, however I gradually get worse as I enter week 2 and only have porn libido, then by week 3 I'm flatlining. Until that flatline passes it's hard to say where we are with PIED.

    However, like you I never really escalated beyond mainstream porn and my tastes never changed, they just got harder I guess. This is at least of some, albeit small, benefit in recovery. As is past sexual experience. If you have any real sexual experiences in your life it might help you heal a bit quicker.

    As for the MW and spontaneous erections, I'd try not to read too much into that at this stage. I say that because things can get worse and you could flatline and get depressed as your MW has disappeared.

    Anyway, I was gonna say that unfortunately cialis isn't gonna make much difference to you. I took it recently and it proved to me that the problem is in my brain, not my penis. I took the blurting everything out option and it didn't really work out (tho many guys say it went great for them so it's your call). Just try and remember that the most important thing right now is your recovery.
     
  4. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Habitus, thanks for your input. You're right about it being way too early to get any results from our erectile health and that it's best not to read too much into this stage. In fact, that was exactly one of the reasons I relapsed on my 17 day streak; bc I HAD gotten MW from my prior streaks so I panicked when I stopped getting them.

    I also suspect that Cialis isn't gonna do much good. That's almost good to know, because it forces me to face the fire. I'm sorry to hear that being honest didn't work out for you. Although this probably doesn't mean much, if she didn't want to support you through this period in your life maybe she wasn't the right person for you? I know that sounds cliche, and I know it's not gonna prevent me from feeling like shit if my gf dumps me...but I think on some level I'd try to think of it in that manner.

    Hope we're both able to make it through this long road to recovery.
     
  5. richard29

    richard29 Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    - It happens man, every reason we relapse is a lesson to learn and just means we become that bit wiser in adapting to the no porn lifestyle.

    - And yeah, you may be right. I think they're a still positives to take however it works out. It's good for me to lose someone I like in a weird way as I believe it helps me emotionally mature, secondly, she's really keen to be friends still, so at least I've gained a confidante. And also, I might be being too hopeful, but I just think I'll get a chance in the future. I've just dropped the porn bomb, there's bound to be a bit of aftershock for a while, but once the smoke clears, who knows...

    Also, I still think she'd be up for a bit of fooling around, which'd be great for rewiring in the future. So just maybe things'll work out in the long run.

    You think you're gonna tell your GF? Or go for sex and see how it works out then decide?
     
  6. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    I'll probably take my Cialis and see if there's any activity downstairs. I don't have high hopes that things will be functioning though, so I most likely will tell the issue at hand.

    Another benefit to telling her is I feel like my ED is hanging over my head. If I share this with her at the very least I'll know where she stands vs her potentially wondering what's wrong with me. I will report back with her reaction once I see her this weekend.
     
  7. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Morning of Day 5: I'm not sure if finding this website was a good thing or not. On the one hand, it's been very encouraging to read success stories. I definitely feel like my perspective has changed from "I'm never gonna be normal" to "Damn I wish the next couple months would just be over with already". On the negative side, I can't stop thinking about the subject. It doesn't get me aroused or anything, but it is literally taking over all my thoughts.

    Anyways, last night was thinking about my girl again. It's been stressful not knowing how she'll react. We were texting back and forth and I felt like my brain just wasn't working. Couldn't say shit to make her laugh the way I usually do. I feel like I kinda "fake it till I made it" with her, and now that I'm about to reveal this deep personal flaw, the faking it part will come to full light.

    Regarding my actual equipment, no MW this morning. I think that's actually kinda good bc last night I started thinking about my girl, and things I wanted to do to her and I forced myself to stop. I can't actually remember what I thought about instead, but I'll try so I can do the next time I need to redirect my thoughts.
     
  8. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Day 6: Didn't have a chance to update yesterday night. I started two regimes that resulted in a surprise wake up this morning.

    1) I started doing reverse kegels. Couldn't really find a great website to describe how to do them, but how I interpreted the technique is to force yourself to pee.
    2) I started to mediate. Just focused on my breath in and out for 10 minutes (roughly).

    This morning, I woke up to a great boner. It was probably only 5/10 on hardness, but it lasted for at least 2 minutes until I got up to pee. The best part was I don't remember going to bed thinking about anything sexual, nor do I remember waking up thinking about anything sexual. I also popped a fleeting boner at work. Was really weak, but haven't gotten them in a while so it was a nice visit.

    Also, to reaffirm some positives I am feeling alpha as fuck. There was a girl that passed by in the hallway who noticed me, then when I looked her she smiled shyly and looked away. On the plane, the girl next to me would not stop chatting. And when I was in an elevator the girl held the elevator for me, then chatted me up on the way to my floor.

    I also confided my habit to a close friend. It affirmed that I have a problem, and it was nice to know there's a person who I trust who I can speak to about this issue.

    I'm having a flow of conscious thought right now bc I have not had a chance to write things down but I realized a couple things about my PMO habit:

    1) My porn tastes were vanilla. That's why for a long time I didn't think it was a real problem.
    2) However, I realize my interest in vanilla porn had definitely waned. My boners were like 40% when I would release. My body definitely craved something stronger, but I guess my conservative upbringing kept me from getting into anything deeper.
    3) The really bad thing that porn did to me was have me thinking I needed to masturbate every day to de-stress. It was a regular part of my life for so long that I never even questioned if it was healthy.
    4) This has never been more evident over than over the past 6 days where I have not even once had the urge to MO. I mean, I get horny when I think about my girl but I force myself to think about other things when that happens.


    My final question for tonight for those who have recovered: As mentioned I had several streaks previously (totaling 35 days). I relapsed one week and masturbated 5 times that week. I am now on day 6 of no PMO. Now, I am not going to reset my counter but do you think those 35 days count a little bit towards my recovery? Because after listening to a Ted Talk on PMO, as a young guy I realize my recovery may be 4 - 5 months. For some reason, that seems incredibly longer than 3 months...so I'm hoping my one month counts a little bit. Anyways, that's all for tonight. Gonna start my meditation. Thanks for reading and see you guys next time!
     
  9. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Took me 6 months to fix ED on my own. I couldn't get hard with porn unless i touched myself, then they were 70% at best.

    Havent had a partner to try regular sex with yet though. Could be quicker recovery if you fool around with your girl.
     
  10. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Gameover, thanks for that information. Whew, that sounds like a long time. I'm not sure if having a girl hurts or helps in terms of actual recovery, although it certainly gives me motivation.

    Today's been really busy too so no urges really. Starting to really be amazed at how this seemed like it was an ingrained part of my life just a few weeks ago, and now it's almost like I can't believe the person I used to be. That's not to say I'm anywhere near recovered; just that the old me seems a stranger in some ways. I really wonder what the future will be like.

    Although I dread the flatline, I am looking forward to each new day and hoping that it's one step closer to my recovery.
     
  11. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Morning of Day 7: Things still going smoothly, urges to fap are minimal. Got a little worked up last night thinking about my girl, tried to push it out of my mind. Anxious about seeing her tonight, especially with the weather potentially not cooperating. Little seeds of doubt threaten me every night like "is my junk ever going to work again?...what's going to happen when i flatline....etc..." Trying to stay strong and realize I have a pretty good life, better than 99% of the world even if things never get better from here.

    Also kinda excited to try Cialis tonight. I def don't want to get hooked onto a drug, but not expecting much. That's pretty much everything on my mind right now.

    Evening of Day 7/8: Plans fell through with the girl. Cuz of holidays and moving, not going to be able to see her till next year so it sucks....or does it lol? The silver lining in all this is I can continue my own recovery for at least 3 more weeks. Now I'm only able to get to this mental state cuz I called my friend to talk out my thoughts. No danger of PMOing, there was just disappointment that I wasn't able to hold and kiss her before the holidays.

    Still, a couple things:
    (1) I'm doing this for me, not for her. She'll just benefit from it :)
    (2) I'm getting out of the house right after this bc I am typing way more upbeat than I feel
    (3) I tried 20mg of Cialis (the strongest recommended doseage. I felt effects alright...pretty much ALL the side effects lol. Headaches, flushing, nasal congestion, prob aches and pains tomorrow... Needless to say not going it try again.
     
  12. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Morning Day 8: Woke up with morning wood that came and went, which is really strange for me. It was probably all Cialis. However, any MW is better than nothing at all, and it seems to now come on schedule every other day.

    The friend I've been confiding in really wanted to know if Cialis works so he strongly encouraged me to look at a few pics. I decided to indulge. Even looking at a pic for a few seconds, I felt that all too familiar tingling in the brain along with absolutely 0 response downstairs so that's all I needed to know that at least whatever ails my penis is not going to be helped by the current stash of drugs the medical field is putting out.

    I saw on fullset's journal he put ratings on mood & mental & physical libido. I think it's helpful to document the process so I will start doing the same thing.

    Mood: 3/10 (things are not going great with the girl)
    Mental libido: 5/10 (I don't think about girls in general, but I do about my girl specifically)
    Physical libido: 2/10 (only giving myself this bc of the every other day MW; otherwise no activity downstairs)

    If anyone is reading this and wouldn't mind offering a few words of encouragement that'd be very helpful right now. It could be relationship-related, or PMO-related. I can't help but wondering if I managed to wow my girl in bed the other night, maybe things would be different right now. At the very least, I would feel different.

    Noon day 8: almost MOed. Did M a little cuz I was surfing on reddit and there were some provocative images up. Gotta be selective on what I click now...

    Evening day 8: tonight things ended with the girl. Felt absolutely miserable as I really liked this girl...to be honest, I don't know what went wrong. It wasn't "the talk", we didn't even get to the talk. She's been dodgy all weekend, and I said I was just dropping off something real quick. She couldn't wait for me to leave, and basically mentioned that she was doing other things during the day with other guys, even though the night before she said she was super busy. Writing is on the wall...

    Ironically, my dad called and I poured everything out to him. Feel a little numb right now, which is better than feeling like shit. Two urges to PMO were suppressed pretty quickly. I imagine it's going to get a lot harder, now that there's not a shining beacon at the end of the road. I'm trying not to think that if I managed to fuck her good, things might be different but that's inevitable. What's done is done though. Hopefully things will get better...

    On the plus side...tonight marks 10% completion! Only 90% more to go!
     
  13. Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Hey Blufalco.
    Following your journal as well.
    Wanted to share that a PIED problem is a little better than mine - having a girl who doesn't want to have sex! Hahaha. I think I still like my girl and I like hanging out with her but boy is our intimate life lame.
    I'm not even sure if I have the ED, AND I can't test it on someone if I get "cured" from the PMO problem :D :mad:
     
  14. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Images do that for me as well. Brain rush but no erection. Fucking weird.
     
  15. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    StrongerBolder, gameover, thanks for commenting. It feels fine typing to myself, but it feels a little better typing knowing that other people are actually reading. I'm not going to let myself or others down by PMOing...but I don't drink alcohol either so it's like wtf do I do?

    Man I long for the days when I used to actually like playing video games.
     
  16. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Yep. I was thinking that the other day... damn it was good as a teen enjoying video games. I get no pleasure or very little anymore from it.
     
  17. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Morning of Day 10:
    Mood: 3/10
    Mental libido: 3/10
    Physical libido: 4/10
    Woke up with morning wood again this morning. Last night was a hard night given the breakup. I am torn up cuz I don't know what happened really. Had to fight off medium urges to MO.

    EDIT: Midday of Day 10:
    Mood: 5/10
    Mental libido: 1/10
    Physical libido: 1/10
    For some reason, my mood has improved decently. I've started to reach out to other girls I used to talk to before I committed to my new ex. Responses have been lukewarm, but I'll take it. What's kinda depressing is that I'm now going to be starting from the bottom for 2 journeys: (1) to not PMO for until I'm recovered (2) to obtain a gf

    Random thought: I hope this cures my ED. Also, I hope the month of no PMO with ~4 relapses counts towards my 4-5 months.

    EDIT: Night of Day 10
    Mood: 5/10
    Mental libido: 1/10
    Physical libido: 1/10
    I'm really surprised to find my mood is so relatively decent. I wonder if its just part of the natural up and downs with no PMO. Honestly, I'm quite confused but I guess I should be grateful. Concentrating on contacting as many girls as possible has helped ease my mind. Reaching out to people I haven't spoken to in years.
     
  18. Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Sorry to hear about the girl bro. Didn't see that one on the previous post you made. Hope you're doing ok. I think the best cliche way is to go out with your friends. Staying at home will just make you feel miserable.
     
  19. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    StrongerBolder, thanks man. I'm still learning how to keep a good journal. I tend to make updates to the day that I'm on, so it wasn't on yet when you probably read it. I need to be better about typing "Edit" when I'm updating throughout the day.

    The frustrating part is I had been meeting a lot of women before I started focusing on the girl I was dating, but instead of feeling proud of myself that I had two other girls interested in me I just feel torn up about the girl that I broke up with.
     
  20. Blufalco

    Blufalco Member

    Re: Journal - 26M, PMOing 4x a day since 16 - Battling ED

    Evening Day 10: Gonna change the format of my journals make each update a distinct entry and just say what time of day it is.
    One thing I just wanted to note tonight was that my ballsack feels uncomfortably full and heavy. Also, just sitting in front of my computer is sorta bringing a tingling to my penis. This must be the Pavlovian conditioning people talk about when dogs salivate from the sound of the dinner bell even if there's no food. This seems to happen chiefly at night, and this is made worse by the fact that I have to study for GMATs using my computer.
     

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