Journal: 12 years of PMO

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Stop_Hammertime, Jun 8, 2017.

  1. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    Brief Background info:

    Started watching porn when I was around 13, didn't realise the effect it would have. Was always a bright, happy kid but then the shine slowly started to deteriorate. Severe social anxiety, periods of mild depression / suicidal thoughts. A few sexual encounters and girlfriends but ED put an end to them. In 2013 I started being sick at social events due to anxiety, then later that year I finally discovered NoFap. A real God send. I hit the ground running and thought I would be free. Managed to go 30+ days before relapsing. I was so proud. However, this trend continued.

    I have repeatedly got to around 45-60 days but ended up relapsing. The best I did was around 100 days, but that included masturbation and some sex. I managed to go 60 days soft mode at the start of this year but now I'm struggling to get past the 30 day mark. In total I have been trying to quit for around 4 years. I went to see a psychologist about the anxiety and brought up the Porn addiction, but at the time I was doing well with various techniques I'd found online so she couldn't offer that much help.

    My lifestyle has been fairly healthy, daily meditation, exercise etc.

    I wanted to keep it fairly brief because my story seems to be a common one! If you want more details, please do not hesitate to ask.

    So, what I hope to achieve with the reboot:

    *Become free from porn (heh!) and build up techniques to help with craving, flashbacks etc.
    *Be able to have faith that my erection will be there when I need it.
    *Overcome confusion and insecurities about sexuality.
    *Learn what a healthy sexual relationship should be like.
    *Learn to have a healthy relationship with women and stop over-sexualising them.

    What I am currently using to help:

    One thing I noticed with a lot of relapses is they come out of the blue. I read about not putting too much emphasis on counting the days and after a week or so I would forget about porn and start believing this would be the time when I stop. But then a sad day. .A bad day. A day where i think 'oh I'll just google this.' 'I wonder how old this pornstar is.' BAM relapse city.

    So now, I have put focus into getting through each day. I'm using a technique I saw on Reddit but changed it slightly:

    Every day in the morning, post workout and meditation, I write down a reason I want to stop on a sheet of A5 paper. Then on another, I write half a page or more of lines, usually, 'I want to be PMO free' or 'I want to be additction free' or 'every day I will quit PMO.' I really try to feel and empower the words when I'm writing them.

    I then repeat this in the afternoon when I get home from work.

    I have a table stuck on the wall with DAYS AM/PM and when I complete my reason and lines for that period, I put an X. At the end of the day, if I didn't relapse, I put a line through.

    I'm hoping this daily commitment to stopping PMO will help.

    I also plan to keep a blog this blog going.

    Currently I am on day 10 after having a pretty bad weekend of binging. They have been tough. Yesterday and today I'm having lots of flashbacks / fantasies. I had to end my meditation early because having my eyes shut was too dangerous, I needed to do something else. So I came here.

    Thanks for reading! I hope I can be of some assistance to others on this forum.
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2017
    slonek24 likes this.
  2. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    Yesterday was pretty tough. I felt 'hollow' all day.

    Day 11

    Today is worse. Woke up with lots of anxiety, struggled to eat my breakfast. I caved and looked at some porn screenshots for about 15 minutes. I didn't masturbate or get an erection but I could feel some precum. Is it better just to now masturbate? I read about increased dopamine levels up until the point of orgasm. And also the mind has a tendency to not let something be unfinished so the drive to finally watch these scenes will be high. In my experience looking at such images has lead to a relapse shortly after. BUT, are these just excuses? Could I be extremely vigilant and cautious of a full blown relapse. There was one time I watched some trailers, but managed to refrain from PMO and I think in the long run it was better. I may have just MO'd though I can't quite remember.
  3. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    Well I ended up relapsing. I have a blocker on my phone but for some reason one website was not blocked and I can't go in to add it to the blocker because I do not know the password to my account. I tried reporting it the KasperSpy (my porn blocker) but I need to send them a screenshot of my account settings, which I can't access.

    I also ordered Mr Happy's Uridine stack to help with the anxiety and flatline.
  4. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    Day 03

    Relapsed on the 9th. Changing my tactic away from the daily check in. Still have all my reasons for quitting written down though and it's good to look at this.

    Split up with my girlfriend on the weekend so sad from that, but no real urges.

    Anxiety is the killer for me, especially during flatline.
  5. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    Day 06

    From a not fapping perspective things are going great. Staying mindful of flashbacks and urges and labeling them when they appear. I have been reading 'The Charisma Myth' which has been a great book so far. Dispels the myth that only certain people are charismatic and shows you how you can learn to become more charismatic. Girl from the shop asked me for my number and we've been talking, but I don't really want to pursue yet because I'm not really over my last girlfriend. I'm also thinking it would be better to wait until I'm further into the rewire (say 30 days) before I start meeting girls again.

    Apart from that I haven't been feeling too good this past week. Feel sort of hollow and my appetite has gone out of the window. Had a cold bath today though which made me feel a bit better.
  6. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    Day 08

    Yesterday I was bored and had such a huge urge to socialise and I managed to find some new people to hang out, went to a party, then went clubbing. Wasn't really many girls at the party so mostly just spoke to guys. The club wasn't really my sort of scene, felt kinda pretentious and not really my type of music. But all in all a great night, made some new friends and proud of myself for doing it.

    This morning however, I'm a bit hungover and i saw some damn video on facebook of a woman doing yoga in latex. This lead me to thinking about a scene I used to like, so I went and tried to find pictures of the scene. Luckily all of my blockers stopped this, however it reminded me of one website that for some reason on my phone isn't blocked. So i went on there to 'check' if it still wasn't blocked and of course it wasn't. But, this gave me the idea of how to find the email I used for my blocker (previously I had lost it so I couldn't change the settings) and I managed to access the app and add the website to the block list. So for now it is a victory. I must make it through the day.
  7. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    I fucked it. This is so depressing. I have got progressively worse over this year. In September it will be 4 years since I started trying to quit PMO. I hate porn so so much. This past week I've felt horrible about life but didn't PMO. Then today, maybe due to the hangover, I let my defense slip and I relapsed. I actually cried after. lol.

    Onwards and upwards I suppose.

    Next move: No dating apps. Block reddit. No 'testing' blockers, there's always a way around them.

    The problem is, it's easy to say: 'I'll do *something something* this time.' That will work. But then so far is hasn't. I thought getting a girlfriend would help and it did, for a little while, but I went back to porn. The no PMO journey has definitely improved various aspects of my life, family, social, health etc but I just want to be free from this stupid thing.

    Whine over!
  8. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    Day 02

    Relapsed on Sunday as well so this is day 2. Monday woke up feeling pretty bad but exercised, cold showered and got myself into a better frame of mind and I've been fine since. My appetite has gone back to normal and eating hasn't been such a burden. Random erection strength has been quite positive, maybe because I have been having cold baths these past few days.
  9. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    Day 14

    It's been an interesting few weeks, anxiety has been really bad, but I started taking magnesium supplements which helped a great deal. I have been taking 2 x the recommended daily allowance with no side affects so I definitely would recommend Mg.

    Last weekend I met a girl then during the week she came round and we had sex. It was however, a real struggle at first because there was no sign of life in my penis. I went down on her twice then she performed oral on my flaccid penis until eventually it got erect. The sex wasn't great because I wasn't completely in the moment and I felt like I had to rush so I didn't lose my erection. But I have felt better since and I was really glad that I just took a risk and went for it. It was probably not that beneficial for the reboot. We're going to meet again soon so hopefully this time I'll be more relaxed and it will be more successful.

    In terms of PMO, haven't stayed completely clean but haven't relapsed either. I've been 'testing' my blockers loads and eventually i get to see maybe a few screen shots. This needs to stop but luckily I've managed to avoid a full relapse.

    I couldn't recommend KasperSpy Kid's Protection more. It is excellent and has definitely saved my ass. I really struggle to find a way around it. Once I've returned home and set it up on my desktop computer I will throw away the password for good.
    slonek24 likes this.
  10. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Guest

    Hey there,

    thanks for your comment on my journal! How are things going for you? Kudos for meeting with the girl and having sex with her. I admire rebooters who go for it despite struggling with PIED. It takes a lot of courage to do so in my book. Performance anxiety can be a tough byproduct of having to deal with PIED. Hopefully, you don't get discouraged by your shaky erections and hopefully they'll get better further in your reboot.

    I wish you all the best for your further reboot!
  11. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    thanks for your response, I hope so to! Haven't really journal'd in a while actually but have been meaning too. Here's an update:

    Day 30

    I met the girl again, but this time I decided to tell her that I didn't want to have sex. To be honest, I wasn't really in the right frame of mind as I had a few different things going on and at the time I was in a pretty anxious state. She was surprised but I felt so much better by saying it, truth be told I wasn't really that into her and it would have been forced.

    On the 13/07 I had a mini relapse. I watched a few trailers. I then masturbated later (making sure to focus purely on the sensation, without porn) with a fleshlight. I still count this as a set-back, but for my sanity I won't class it as a relapse. I have redefined my goals and brought in clean days. A clean day is one without testing blockers, masturbating, google image searches etc. I've set 3, 7, 14, 30 etc clean day goals with a folder to log it. Currently I'm on 5 clean days.

    In my experience, the further away from relapse I am the less anxious I am. I was in a pretty good place before the 13th, but since then it has crept back in a little. I am confident it will dissipate quicker than usual.

    I also started Mr Happy's Uridine stack, not too much to report about that just yet.
  12. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Hey man, congrats on making it 30 days. I like the progress that you're making.
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, just been reading through your journal, sounds like your doing awesome so far despite the PIED and the anxiety (both of which I have been struggling with).

    In your post you mentioned you went out and found new friends then went clubbing with them, it may sound silly, but I was just wondering where and how you met these new friends? I recently went through a situation with has left me without any friends so it would be helpful to know how you meet new people to hang out with.

    Keep up the good work man, your doing so well!
  14. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    Thanks. I actually relapsed a few days after unfortunately haha.

    Thank you. I moved to a different country and as I said that day I was really teeming for social interaction, I'd heard that couch surfing does meet-ups but when I was on the website I found something better. They'd added a feature called 'hangouts' where you make yourself available to meet, go for a drink, food etc and other couchsurfing users can contact you to arrange it. I got a bit lucky that day, there was quite a big group of people already out and they had already found a party to go to. The downside of it is I couldn't handle the hangover and ended up relapsing!

    But there are also other methods, is pretty good. They have big groups that go out for a happy hour social or you can find groups that have the same interests as you like, or try something new.

    Moving to a new country also helped, people are more willing to meet and there's instantly a topic for conversation because you can talk about each others back grounds. Moving to a new city could help shake things up a bit or new job if you can get one.

    Dating apps.

    That said, it's not always easy, these passed few weeks I haven't really found anyone or found something. I'm back home and inbetween employment. I have no transport to get to events and public transport is too expensive for my current situation.

    I started reading 'The Charisma Myth' which gives techniques on how to be more charismatic, which was helpful. It's not about becoming 'the life of the party' or something like that, but it gives good tips for social interaction, anxiety and getting yourself into a good 'state'. (Most of which you may forget in the heat of social interaction haha).

    I'm a pretty introverted but it's still great to meet people.

    Day 1

    Clean days - 1

    I relapsed on the 20th and also yesterday. I was spending time with my family which really wears me down. Started having fantasies here and there. Eventually came home feeling pretty damn shit and relapsed. No excuse really, shouldn't self-medicate with PMO.

    My longest period without PMO was last year when I started '16 habits you should do everyday', so I'm going to get back into that. I enjoy the charting and that way there is always something I should be doing. I definitely recommend it (google it and it will come up), even if you don't do all of them. I mostly focus on the ones related to health.

    I'm also going to improve my diet, look into a variety of vegetable and eat more oily fish.

    I'm also going to try some supplements to help ease the anxiety, at least for the first month. I have started with Valerian. I feel like maybe my mood has increased slightly but it induces tiredness so I think I will switch to lavender oil capsules.
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey bud, Ah nice one thanks for the tips!

    Yeah I bet moving to a new country is both difficult because you don't know any one but as you say, when you do meet someone you have a lot to talk about which is cool :) I actually just signed up to meetup the other day and joined a group but the next meetup is over a month away... I havnt heard of couch surfing before so ill look into that one too!

    Thanks for the tips mate. Sorry to hear about your relapses but good to see you have a plan... I just checked out the 16 habits you should do every day and found the PDF to download so ill give that a read. just from skimming it looks like a good plan and really like the idea of gathering the data so you can review it later one down the line.

    Good luck in the these coming day, stay strong!
  16. Stop_Hammertime

    Stop_Hammertime New Member

    Day 5

    Clean days - 5

    Been feeling really good these past 5 days, maybe due to the Valerian but supposedly it takes time to build up before it starts working properly. I have been doing a lot of journaling which has really help clear out my mind and help with some doubts I have been having. I've been writing down a lot of what I think about and then tried to make conclusions from some of it, either by myself or using the internet. I would love to find someone to share this stuff with. I've been reading Man's Search for himself, which I would definitely recommend as it covers a range of topics about one's self and may helps inspire some direction in your life.

    I also read some articles on YBOP which has re-enforced why I'm doing this. There is also one article on here: The Top 3 FATAL MISTAKES Rebooters Make which is definitely worth a read.

    Even after nearly 4 years of trying to stop I still make these mistakes, so it's good to remind myself of them to help maintain awareness when I could be possibly falling into the trap.

    One technique that seems useful for urges or when you are feeling overwhelmed is RAIN:

    R - Recognise - Recognise what is happening.
    A - Allow - Allow the feelings to be there, don't resist.
    I - Investigate - Investigate how it feels in your body. I look at my increased heart rate, observe the little shot of dopamine when the urge or thought about porn surfaced.
    N - Note - Note what you are feeling and realise that it is not you. Label the urge to help not identify and get sucked into it.

    I don't intend to journal too much because I find it useful to stay away from anything porn related (one of the 3 mistakes), but I'll try to keep you updated if I've been doing something that is proving useful for me at the time.

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