Joelski's online journal- the new me

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by joelski, Oct 28, 2013.

  1. joelski

    joelski New Member

    Hi. I am a 32 year old man, getting divorced in 2 days due to my PMO addiction since I've had since I was 15 years old. It's progressed over time from scrambled P, to pics on the internet, to videos, and shamefully I've been into shemale/transsexual porn as a fetish of choice for the last 10 years or so.

    I've tried hundreds of times to stop, but I've never really admitted my problem to this extent so that's probably why I have failed.

    Right after my separation I went almost 30 days without PMO. Then it elapsed hard for about a month and now I've gone another 2+ weeks now.

    My goal is to update this journal as much as I can, daily if necessary. And I want to login any time I have the urge to relapse.

    Last night I had a dream about shemale porn and I almost had a wet dream. I woke up with an erection and wanted so bad to jerk off but I didn't give into the urges.

    During the day I caught myself looking at some really attractive females and tried my best not to do any double takes which will often lead to me relapsing.

    One tactic I've learned is when I get an image in my mind of a favorite porn scene instead of fighting it right away just to realize that my mind is obsessing and to instead let it float away. That's helped me with having intrusive/anxious thoughts and it also seems to help with P thoughts too.

    I can't wait to make it to 21 days!!! It will be a huge milestone for me.
  2. joelski

    joelski New Member

    I had some challenges yesterday with looking at women (namely a female coworker who's very attractive) as well as some intrusive pornographic thoughts of scenes I've watched in the past. But otherwise I've been keeping my mind and body busy which helped me stay clean. I'm actually a little amazed at how easy it's been. It hasn't been a cakewalk by any means but I thought it would be almost impossible to get clean.

    I've had some real sobering moments. I told my ex wife how often I turned to PMO while we were married. That killed me. I hurt her so bad and I feel awful about it. My addiction ruined our marriage and I can't get a redo on that period of my life. It would be easy for me to wade in self pity but I'm not going to. I want to man up and learn from the mistakes and destructive decisions I've made in order to never do them again. The more time goes by the more I realize how bad my problem was and how it pushed me away from everyone who loved me.
  3. RockinRon

    RockinRon New Member

    Joel, Sounds like you are going thru some tough stuff.

    Discovery of Gay porn in my travel bag when the wife was packing for an anniv. weekend, was the final straw in my 17 year marriage. OK, we had several other issues, like raising an out of control Step Daughter, her screwed up relationship with her dad, too much Negativity and more.

    I really appreciated this: "
    Quote from: TREBOR on October 24, 2013, 03:54:35 AM
    I'm just glad I never got any further than heterosexual and transsexual porn between consenting adults. I'm sure others have much worse addictions that cross over into illegal territory.

    That's very true. As bad and damaging as what I have done has been to me, at least none of it was illegal. Though, who knows, if I continued down my path of self destruction it very well may have led there."

    I was on a destructive path, that I know would have led to CL Hook-ups, if I had not found this Forum.
    I kinda knew that if I did find a guy to hook-up with, I would be sunk even deeper & faster in the quicksand.

    Join me in the next few days in deleting and trashing the bookmarks, vids and stories completely from your computer. It will make life so much better. My 2 cents.

    I too have lost my Family, my GF, my job to the time, focus and energy needed to find new things to stimulate this horny 53 y/o.

    There is life after Divorce, but it is way different. I got divorced in 2000, and was not until 2005 that I found the Lady of my Dreams, who valued me, appreciated my, and Loved me the way I was. This was in 2005, so I did not disclose that I had issues with PMO, although when we were together, I almost never had the energy to PMO, because she had a high libido like me, and we spend days in bed with each other. I pissed that relationship away, by not being 100% to my job, and was RIFF'd from major company. Of course that event sent me into a downward spiral, until I was asked to leave the house, and find my own way.

    My biggest goal, is to get my shit together, jobwise, financialwise, and personal wise, so I can earn her trust back. (The GF, NOT the Ex!)

    It was a real wake-up call for me to hear how many guys have PIED. That scared the shit outta me, and I am thankful that I am dealing with my issues B4 that stage came along.

    I am very hopeful that this Forum and guys experiences, along with a hella lot of self discipline will help get me back in her loving arms again.

    I wish you luck in your Journey.

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