Jebus journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by jebu, Mar 21, 2013.

  1. jebu

    jebu Member

    Hi. I am new to this site and would like to introduce myself.

    As most of you I have realized that I have been rewiring my brain for the wrong reasons for a very long time.
    In my case, I have been doing it for somewhat over 30 years and my constant search for new ways to get off.
    I am a straight guy but have been led to crossdressing and other fantasies.
    I have had several fetishes that may or may not be considered normal.

    Although I have had two meaningful relationships for many years I still kept on PMO and even O during sex was difficult without thinking of things I would think of during PMO.

    I have two children that I care for very much and I want to be a better person for them as well.
    But my main motivation is becoming a better person for my own well being. Then all the people around me will benefit as well.

    After discovering I finally found some patterns I could relate to.

    My main concern now is that I feel P and M are not rewarding and are draining my energy and resouces.
    I wish to have a better life without feeling tired, depressed and drained.

    I have come to the realization that I am sort of numb. There is little that excites me this scares me quite a bit.

    3 weeks is the most I have managed nofap on my own without relapse.

    None of the people around me are aware of my addictions and the reason for me being less focused, angry or tired.
    And I do not dare to tell them as they will most likely consider me a weirdo and shy away.
    Also, they do not need to know it all. My addictions are private to me.

    I do need some backing at times since I am evidently not capable of rebooting on my own.
    My hope is that I can receive some help here when I need it and that I can contribute to helping others too.

    I MO'ed today. I hope it is the last time.
  2. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Jebu: Welcome to the forum. As you can see by my journal name, I came here for help and GOT IT. I relapsed less than a week ago but am determined to stay the trial and trail this time.

    Be in the forum for HELP. It's what we do here!

    Keep on, Mon!
  3. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi ya Jebu,

    Welcome friend. This forum is full of knowledge and support, truly remarkable men dealing with this issue.

    You have found loads of great articles, testimonials and videos from master researcher Gary Wilson, his TedTalks video is very good.

    So this was your last time whacking off, RIGHT!!! Damn right man.

    All the best bro'

    Oh yeah, your avatar kind of throws me off it is the same as youngoldie , no doubt you will run across his journal sometime.
  4. imout

    imout Active Member

    welcome and all th ebest on this journey.
    We are here to support you and will. Keep posting. If you relapse, get opff it straight away, dont binge, keep posting. No shame needed, plenty here have relapsed and can help you thru the aftermath.

    I repeat myself over and over to newbies. The path to success is resolve. TOTAL RESOLVE!!! NO MORE PORN NEVER EVER!!!
    You better ram that down your dopamine shute. If you think , uh well , lets do 10 days and see. forget it. OIf you keep a foot in the backdoor. the relapse is already programmed. NO BARGAINING with yourself. Dont enter any discussion about peeking, of a bit of a play with the old wiener to see how he feels.

    Everytime the voice comes up, realise its the devil, it aint you. shut him up and distract yourself with whatever you have on hand. People set up distractions for the time urges come up. Gym, walk, ring your wife you love her. Post here. whatever works.

    You will go thru sokme emotional turmoil soon ,when the devil starts kicking in his restraints. Just ride with it, its very interesting to look your demons in teh face when the rear up, because youve taken away the lid that keeps them under.

    good luck and strength. We can do this, no doubt
  5. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Ho Jebu,

    the most important thing is to develop new habits. What will you do instead of MO or PMO?

    I suggest even to write it dowm in your jourmal. One thing is to come here and to read and post, and as well helping others in other forums and on reddit nofap. Yes you will also need time to get rid of the imbalanced brain chemistry.

    But in the long run you need even habits and a lifestyle which compensates stress and boring moments - or better which doesn't even allow them to come up.

    Have a good start and move on well!
  6. jebu

    jebu Member

    Thank you all for supporting me. I really appreciate that. And it really helps me. It does.

    I feel in a bit down mood today but no urge to PMO. This is somehow good.
    I have also started to get better control of not having fantasies that will lead me astray.

    I have started to read posts on this forum and replying with supportive posts to other.
    It feels like this is strengthening my own goal of staying away from what I know is not good for me.

    I have the feeling of watching myself from the sideline. The watcher being logical, rational and determined.
    But the watched one is not feeling so good, longing for a partner, feeling a bit numb, worthless and sad.

    Rationally I know that this is just the two sides of my brain. A rather odd experience.

    I'll cope. But it is a struggle.
  7. ezagent

    ezagent Guest

    You gotta go through hell to get to heaven. Everyone here who succeeds begins by deciding no more. That's it. Never again. I started on the site over in the FAQ section looking for benefits of being free of the addiction. Contrasted that to the consequences I was suffering and started dealing with the pain of breaking free.

    It's tough to deny yourself pleasure. That causes pain. You really want to, just this once, or one more time. The little voice has lots of reasons. You have to say no and do something to ensure that you change your state of mind, change your activity, move away from anything that has a negative influence. If you're watching tv and something looks distracting, turn it off. Ads on the computer with swimsuits? Shut it off. Feeling down and thinking about caving in? Think again!

    This is not an easy challenge and only the strong can meet it. You meet the challenge head on, in the moment, everytime it arises. As you do so, it becomes easier each time. Soon you begin to feel a reward for meeting the challenge. Before you know, you're a new person and you don't even consider fap as an option.

    Step one. Firm commitment. And you're right. You don't have to announce anything to anybody. But once you start making tracks on this path, you'll lose your shame and have no fear of discussing this topic. It's only shameful if you're caught in the grip.
  8. imout

    imout Active Member

    ezagent has got it nailed. resolve is what makes the difference. Once youve banned porn out of your mind and kick it in the face everytime it tries to talk to you, its not that hard anymore. The emotional turmoil is part of the withdrawal. Just ride with it, there isnt anything you can do, and once you realise its mainly the hormones playing havoc, you can relax a bit more. I milked it for its revelations about myself, the way I react, the crap that surfaces.

    Hang in there, it gets better and better
  9. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Welcome Jebu. I can't imagine a better place to find help than right here. There are some great guys willing to lend support and plenty of inspiring examples. My simple message to new members is this; it CAN be done. On December 2nd I found Your Brain On Porn while lapsing back into porn. 112 days later, I feel like a new man. Hang with us and we'll help in any way we can.
  10. jebu

    jebu Member

    So far so good.

    I feel that you all have helped me to keep from PMO and that I will succeed with your help.
    Joining this forum and using it actively might just be the smartest thing I have done in a few years.
    I'll keep posting and trying to help.

    Right now I am not having an urge to PMO and I am quicker to bend my mind off well known triggers to this urge. I'm quite happy with this.
  11. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    That's the dominant state for me now. It's been worth every effort for me. It sounds like you are on your way.
  12. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Way to go, Jebu. You're doing great, man.
  13. jebu

    jebu Member

    Yesterday I gave in to some P and phantasies just to see if I could handle it. Well, as well as giving in to the urge.

    I`ve been having a mild buzz from the excitement but it was quite easy to keep from MO.

    Having observed myself I could easily identify the effects of P and phantasies.
    I was unconcentrated and my brain was hardly working at all. And while I had some satisfaction on one level it really was more exhausting than rewarding.

    Of course I know that I should not do this. But I felt kind of proud that I did not give in to MO.

    Now I will have to try and find something else to do that DOES give me a rewarding feeling.

  14. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Be careful about testing. It's a brain trick to lead you back to PMO.
  15. jebu

    jebu Member

    That tricky sneaky brain!

    I will stay off testing. Why do I need to test anyway? I can do without that.

    Oh. I have made it for 14 days. Just gotta keep off PMO further.

    It is great to have a forum like this for support. Thanks for helping.
  16. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Congrats on 14. The first two weeks can be the toughest. There will be challenges ahead, but you are sailing into smoother waters at the two week point.
  17. imout

    imout Active Member

    keep posting man, people are interested in your daily progress
  18. jebu

    jebu Member

    Just want to let you know that I'm doing well for now. Happy to have rounded 17 days.

    Friday I started out with a new form of martial arts (for me) to help me stay more focused on the things in life that matters.
    I currently have no spouse so saturday I went to a dating party. I did not feel that any women there attracted me in any way.
    But one woman there I found very attractive but I did not have the guts to approach her.
    We did however have a short moment of direct eye contact and I felt stung like by an electrical current and my heart raced.
    I was surprised by the strong feeling from just a brief eye contact.

    In the future I hope to experience more of the true excitement from interacting with attractive women.
    Although I felt a pervasive numbness and disinterest in most women the "sting" of excitement was a glimpse of what I am sure will happen to me in the future.

    Staying away from PMO is surely the way to achieve a better life for me.

    Looking forward to reaching day 30 without PMO. I think that will be a stepstone into my new and improved future without PMO habits.
    I think my future holds many positive things for me.
  19. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Good work jebu!

    Courageous progress. You are doing this and inspiring others here...

    Having extra fun with your new martial arts... that sounds very cool.
  20. jebu

    jebu Member

    Day 20:

    Have no lust for P, M or O. But am having a slightly uneasy stinging sensation in my urinary tract.
    Wondering what this might be. Hopefully it will go away in some days.

    Thanks for your support so far, guys. I really appreciate it.

    I think very well it might be my imagination but I have had more satisfying conversations with women than before.
    Most likely it is because I feel a bit better about myself.

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