Jack's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by j_nickles, Oct 29, 2015.

  1. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Just edged...back to the drawing board
     
  2. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Just had a week free from PMO and almost a week from P. Its a bummer but time to get back on the gring, its about getting better, each day, each week, each month. Here we go
     
  3. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Just trying to get that first day. Need 24 hours under my belt, simple as that
     
  4. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Realizing it needs to be an all out commitment, that this can't be something that is done passively, that will only result in failure and frustration. I really haven't been determined to cut this out of my life, I want it gone yes but I don't want to work for it and suffer when it gets tough. Looking at my entire life at the moment wether its when I'm training at the gym, when the week gets long and work piles up, whatever it is when things get hard I cave in

    Found a website called recovery nation, anyone ever use that? Strongly considering going through the lessons. But as for now back to day 1, need to accomplish my goals one instant at a time. Fight hard brothers
     
  5. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Feeling motivated to do this 100% but honestly scared that this feeling will fade. I want to wake up every morning and ask myself "am I truly committed to this" because if I'm just half assing it then nothing will be accomplish and my addiction will only grow. I want this out of my life, simply put. One of these times needs to be the time that it truly goes for good, why not this time, this mentality is necessary.
     
  6. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    I need to tell myself over and over that I'm all in, 100%. I can't keep living this way. Over and over I need to tell myself that I am not a slave to this garbage and that freedom is possible.

    Almost 24 hours in, no temptations yet. Phone stays off while I'm in the room. Got a great night sleep last night, looking to do the same t0night
     
  7. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Well here I am 2 days in. This is what I want, this is the path I want to take. While I was thinking today, I came to the conclusion that there is not a single con to erasing this addiction from my life. It seems like a no brainer but all I could do was think of benefits from removing this
    1. Brain health, rebalancing dopamine levels in my brain so I can enjoy every day to its fullest, getting my memory back/ getting rid of the fogginess
    2. Emotional health, being emotionally available for myself, my girlfriend and my friends
    3. sex health, having a healthy and active sex life with my girlfriend that is not based on anything i saw on a screen but based on true intimacy
    4. No more guilt/ shame- no more worrying who sees my website history or twitter searches. No more depressive moods after relapses

    I want to be the best partner I can be, simple as that. The more i read on addiction website the more worried I get because I see what this addiction does to couples and spouses. It tears them apart, it destroys trust and intimacy. I want this gone WAY before that point is ever in sight.

    Day by day. I need to stay focused and passionate. This addiction has no room in my life. Every time I doubt myself I need to remind myself that I CAN do this. I CAN. I WILL.
     
  8. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Feeling tempted this morning. First time this reboot that that kind of feeling has occurred. Just need to take a few deep breaths and know that those urges are very temporary. I'm in control. I need to realize the lies that I usually tell myself

    1. "I'm just curious, ill just look for a second and then close it out, no big deal"
    2"it won't really count as going against my reboot"
    3. "you only have 2 days, why not just go for it"
    4"You've done well with schoolwork and your lifts this week, just go for it, reward yourself"
    5" you won't be mad/ disappointed after, this is totally justified. This time is different"
     
  9. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Day by day. Can't get to a week/ a month/ a year without getting through a day first.

    Heres my situation. Im 5 days in and doing well. BUT every weekend my roommate leaves the dorm and I am here alone. This is usually when I break down. Not this time. I am not a slave to my urges and my addiction. I am in control of my body. A week clean is on sunday and I'm hungry for that goal. I know it won't be easy. Being in here by myself, but I'm more ready for the challenge then I have been in the past. If i have to go outside and walk around in this Boston Snow storm to get away from temptation I will. If i have to post 100 times I will

    Day by day
     
  10. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Saturday morning I got up and a lie kept into my head "a little peak won't hurt, your just curious, it won't go anywhere" I've heard it 1000 times but i still gave into it. PMO'd once in the morning and then at night another lie came which was "who cares now, you've already failed today might as well go at it again" and then went on twitter and PMO'd another time. I felt good that I was at nearly a week but I could have had so much more. These weekends alone are frustrating but theres no excuse.

    Even now I feel tempted to log back into twitter and start roaming around.

    Ive known for awhile that yes I have a pro addiction but that stems from an addictive personality. When I start something new (book, video game, etc etc) I get so latched on and obsessed. Sometimes its a good thing and sometimes its a bad thing
     
  11. CP121

    CP121 New Member

    Keep going strong man shoot me a message if you want anytime I'm 19 with a girlfriend trying to get over this too.
     
  12. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Here and doing well! Have not viewed P in over a week. Cravings are pretty strong throughout the day but I feel more in control of myself and my actions. I feel that when I have a few days between me and my last relapse I can better dismiss urges that arise. I don't want to lose this streak (I know its not about the streak) and then look back and know I could have fought it harder. I need to be careful when I get in bed at night to simply set my alarm and close my eyes. I need to be quick to reveal the lies that porn tells: one more time will be fine, you haven't in awhile, this will be worth it, you won't be disappointed in yourself etc etc. I can't wait till I get back to the point where I don't need to think about this crap everyday.

    Lastly has anyone seen the Brickhouse Web series on youtube. It is kind of silly with the singing and dancing but for some reason I really enjoy it. I think some parts are hilarious and representing the Id's desire to support out addiction as Jerry the wolf makes so much sense. If you have time go check it out. It might not be for you but either way I definitely respect the guys making it
     
  13. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    The weekend alone was tough as usual. MO'd friday night after the gym. Im not proud of that but I was tempted multiple times throughout the weekend and there were some times where i really felt in control of myself and I was able to dismiss urges when normally I would have given right in.

    I think some of this can be attributed to an article I found recently about reframing. I find it very applicable and easy to understand. Take a look https://behavioraltherapy.typeform.com/to/j73gWt

    I really need to focus this week. This is make or break. I really feel like I'm finally making progress and each day is an opportunity to progress in that.

    As always, hope everyone fights well this week
     
  14. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    That article I posted in my last entry has been very helpful for me this week. I've been tempted a number of times but seeing the situation as an opportunity to grow into the person I want to be has allowed me to dismiss the urges and carry forward.

    Other than that I've felt tired all week, haven't done great work school wise but thats just a focus issue. Lifts have been top notch and my relationship is strong.

    Day by day. It must be done.
     
  15. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    I can and I will. Day 1
     
  16. TAK

    TAK New Member

    You'll get there. Don't give in.
     
  17. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Meditating over the "its not even an option" mindset.

    I can. I will.

    I look up to all you out there and wish you only the best
     
  18. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Well here I am. Back on the grind. "Only a fool trips on what is behind them" All the websites that make me stumble (twitter and tumblr) are blocked and I am ready to roll. Day 1 is done
     
  19. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Day 5: Right now is the first time in awhile that I've been left alone with a computer that has no blockers on it. I felt a strong initial pull towards it but I have not walked over there, nor do I plan to. I have a half hour right now to work diligently and thats what I plan to do. Porn has taken too much of my time over the years, I'm not giving it anymore right now
     
  20. j_nickles

    j_nickles No Bull

    Day 8...feeling pretty good, a little irritable but overall my mind hasn't even been on porn. Its pretty cool how when you remove yourself from that cycle you don't even think about it. When everything is blocked I don't even consider watching. There was one night where I wanted to really bad, I literally stayed up for two hours just trying to find a way around the blockers, it felt pretty good waking up in the morning knowing I couldn't get around them.

    All in all I know that internet blockers are artificial and one day I will need the strength to resist on my own. However, right now I'm thankful for them, I just want to get back on my feet.

    As always, day by day. Always trying to learn from successes and mistakes alike
     

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