J’s recovery journal

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Ninjamin, Jan 30, 2020.

  1. Ninjamin

    Ninjamin New Member

    Hey guys, I’m new here.
    I’m 19 and I’ve struggled with porn use Since I was probably around 12-13 at the oldest. But really in the latter part of highschool it became a much more intense compulsion. I can’t remember a period longer than maybe 2 weeks since I’ve been a teenager where I haven’t looked at porn or masturbated. I have a girlfriend now, I love her and she’s wonderful, but I’ve noticed since lately I’ve been letting the habit get the better of me more intensely it’s been affecting my interactions with her and our relationship in general. It’s also led me to do some pretty skeezy things. The past month or two I’ve repeatedly breached the trust of some good friends who are a married couple. I’ve learnt passwords to devices and accounts and actively sought out pictures of the wife without her permission. Lately I’ve felt absolutely disgusting. She’s a good friend and I’ve grossly misused the privilege of a key to their house to invade their privacy. All this to say, I’m tired of being unable to control my own actions. I’m a Christian, I know what I believe and honestly many things I’ve done because of porn addiction probably wouldn’t be considered right under just about anyone’s moral compass. I’m hoping having somewhere to vent will help me.

    so, I suppose that would be day 1. I hope I can hear from some people who have had similar experiences and know the light at the end of the tunnel.
    Thanks. -J
  2. Ninjamin

    Ninjamin New Member

    Day 2-

    todays my first full day spent really and earnestly focusing on rebooting- I’ve been completely avoiding any and all artificial sexual stimulation. Not just porn, but fantasizing, staring at girls while I’m at school, etc. it already feels like I’m more present in my own mind. I spent less time worrying about when I can go watch or whatever and I just lived in the moment. It was refreshing. I made a list of behaviors to do when I feel tempted - text my girlfriend or others on a list of close friends, take a walk, practice the piano. It helps just to get organized and work hard at it.
    thats day 2, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

    thanks, -J
  3. Ninjamin

    Ninjamin New Member

    I was out late last night, so day 3 is a bit late.

    3 days in and I’m still no PMO, I feel better than even yesterday. I feel more able to properly love and be affectionate with my girlfriend and the relationship just feels happier. I feel very freed up from a lot of things. Of course life still has challenges, I get upset or angry or impatient sometimes, but in times where I would have sucked through it and let my frustration out through porn I instead am actually dealing with things that need to be done.
    I feel happier, even though life isn’t perfect.

    thanks, I’ll see you guys tonight.
  4. Ninjamin

    Ninjamin New Member

    Hey guys, here’s day 4-

    tonight I’m feeling quite tempted for the first time since I started, I had some pretty intimate physical contact with my girlfriend and I think my brain still wants to link those feelings toward porn. But I’m not going to let those pathways continue. I’m going to go through my list of alternate actions and then go to bed, I won’t let myself give in.
    I want to be able to love my girlfriend dang it. Anyway, the rest of the day went well, life’s still tough but having a healthier brain helps.

    thanks, -J

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