I've been addicted to PMO for about 28 years. I'm here to try to stop.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by IvanD73, Jun 2, 2016.

  1. IvanD73

    IvanD73 New Member

    Hello guys

    Well, here I am, finally. After several years of getting no further than saying to myself "Seriously, I have to stop this. it will lead to trouble. I really must stop", I'm finally starting to act like I might mean it.

    But I don't trust myself. I know what I'm like, and I know how easily I can fool myself. So what makes it different this time? I'm not quite sure yet - something deep in my brain feels a little different. Lets see if I can build on it. The task ahead feels incredibly daunting. I was listening to the Porn Free podcast today and the guy talked about deleting your stash; getting rid of that collection of your favourite Grade A vids and pics you've got stashed away, like a little security blanket. Ive deleted everything else from my computer and external hard rive, apart from that special, prized folder or porn. I know I have to do it. I could do it right now. I cant quite seem to push myself that little bit more - but I think I can feel that final action coming. A sense of determination is building.

    One of the reasons I've not had any success at all in quitting PMO is that, to be honest, Ive struggled to feel that my life has really suffered that much as a result of it. I can honestly say Im not depressed. Im not in pain. I don't have chronic low self-esteem. I have wonderful friends and family. I've been single now for about 2.5 years, but I've always naturally been very contented that way. I'm open to a relationship and when the right lady comes along, I'll go for it. I haven't really used porn to deal with anxiety/problems.

    No, my PMO has been purely hedonistic. Ive used drugs occasionally on a purely recreational basis because, well, its just loads of fun. Its been the same with porn. I just really, really enjoy it. I wasn't escaping something. I wasn't blocking out difficult emotions, and I was never caught. In this respect, I cannot relate to much of what many guys here are saying, who seem to be depressed or have low-self esteem or some other difficult issue to deal with.

    So why AM I trying to quit now? I guess its for a couple of reasons:

    1) I definitely seem to have developed some kind of PIED in the last couple of years. Although Im not in a relationship, it worries me for when I am. SO that in itself is starting to create anxiety in me.
    2) I think I can finally be honest enough with myself now to admit that porn use has resulted in a HUGE waste of time, and when I consider all the things I might have achieved in that time, it's appalling.

    So, my plan here is to read, to connect frequently with you guys on here and keep myself motivated. Also, I'd like to be able to offer bits of help and advice if/when I can. Just to be a friend to anyone on here who might be able to use one. Even as I write this, my addicted brain is telling me "Don't be stupid. You KNOW you wont stick at this. Give it a week and you'll be back doing the death grip". Well I suppose right now Im trying to start to learn how to argue with that voice and show it why its wrong.

    Thanks for listening :)
     
  2. welcome to the forum, Ivan (Drago). hey, it sounds like P *has* had negative consequences in your life. you got to those points after talking about the fun aspects of it. and we all get that. it's fun for a season. it's fun even in the moment every time. but what is it taking *from* your life? what little pieces of actual life -- all those things you could be doing -- is it robbing you of? doesn't that in of itself make it a net negative? i think you know it does otherwise you wouldn't be here. some guys here have suffered lots...some less so. but we've all recognized that this addiction has cost us something that would wish back if we could. that's your motivation right now. as for the secret stash...hey, man, i was right there with you up until recently. i've deleted and re-acquired my "stash" so many times over the years it just makes me sad...but 28 days ago i finally deleted (i hope) for the last time. and for the first, that feels like a true statement. and that, my friend, feels AMAZING to say! i don't miss it at all. i miss the years though...
     
  3. IvanD73

    IvanD73 New Member

    Thanks harvesterofsorrow. I appreciate you asking those questions - I do need to face up to whats been happening. Yes, Ive had loads of fun with it, but I need to be more honest, and open, about the negative consequences. A lot of guys here seem to talk about getting really low after PMO, and feeling really shitty about themselves afterwards. I never had that, so I guess Ive been slower to face up to where there are negative consequences for me, because they've been less immediate.

    Sounds like you've been making some good progress, and that's great to hear. I get the impression that this thing is a bit like when smokers try to quit. Most ex-smokers I know only managed to finally quite after several attempts and relapses. Each time, they learn something new about how to quit, until eventually they build up the strength and the knowledge to finally quit for good.

    Onwards and upwards.
     
  4. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    Welcome.

    It was PIED which caused me to realize I had a problem, and it was trying to stop using porn - and failing to! - which made me realize I was an addict. As I say, you don't realize you are an addict until you try to stop. . . and can't!

    I was a functioning addict. One of the things about being a porn user over the years is that it robbed me of any sense of achievement - every time something good happened in my life it felt like a chance happening which could be taken away at any time.

    I had self-esteem problems and you don't - and good for you! - so it should be relatively straightforward to stop. For years I've been hiding behind porn, so I had to do some soul searching along the way, and I can honestly say that I'm a better, happier person for it. You should, I hope, find things a little easier. I think you will find the big challenge will be the habit of using porn - especially if you associated it with specific times of day (usually after dark), places/times (online alone) and emotions (happy for a reward, down when it's a solace). My advice, for what it's worth, is to watch for the cravings and focus on how habit traps you into actions. If you can relate to this, the best starting place for this is probably the book Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg.

    Other than that, I found my PIED got better just through rebooting. It took a while, and was an emotional roller coaster, but I did it, and just by not using porn and relaxing about sex.
     
  5. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Welcome Ivan.

    I can really relate to the regret over all the time wasted. For a long time that was probably the only single thing I realized that was a drawback of PMO. Finding this site and reading many of the posts in here made me realize there was more to it, but we all are a little different in the extent of what the effects have been.

    Good luck with the journey. You are not alone.
     
  6. Tony74

    Tony74 Guest

    Just wanted to also welcome you to the forum Ivan. Sounds like you have a great gameplan going into this thing. Knowledge about your enemy is very important and like you said developing friendships along the way helps in a big way, as it keeps you connected as you go through the ups and downs of life. Your brain will do all kinds of crazy things to trick you back into the addiction until you can recondition it a with a new and more rewarding life without P. Keep learning and growing, especially from any setbacks, and you will eventually find your way through this thing, one day at a time... Best of luck to you on your journey bro.
     
  7. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Welcome Ivan.
    Know that all addictions are sedations (running away from) the pains or discomfort that you wish to avoid of life. You may not see this (yet), but that's the essence of all addictions.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5sOh4gKPIg

    So find what you run away from and face it.
    It's the f#cking hardest thing to do. Very few people do. Hence the amount of addictions we have in this world (cause people… well, they don't want to face what they don't want to face, lol)

    But all other solutions are substitutes. Like the bubble of air you wish to press away and it will surface somewhere else (other addiction). In other words, trying to kill the addiction, without dealing with it's root. Like drying the floor, without first turning of the tap that's causing the flood. etc. etc.

    Take care.
     
  8. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    True words.
     
  9. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Welcome to YBR! We have a great core of super supportive, smart, interesting fellows here, so I'm sure you'll get a lot out of hanging around here a bit.
     

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