It's time

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by JDoe, Aug 20, 2012.

  1. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    After nearly a year of trying to quit, making excuses, relapsing, having the ED go away when I abstained and then come back again after I relapsed again and again, lying to my woman...
    I'm done.
    I just can't do this anymore. It has eaten up too much of my life already.
    I am going to have to face the depression and boredom that I know will come, just like it has every time. I am going to work my way through to the other side.
    I have tried everything - porn with no masturbation, masturbation with no porn, edging...every possible combination. All of them have failed. I've always ended up right back where I started. I'm tired of it.

    I am writing this so I can re-read it to myself on those very hard days I know that I am heading for...

    I thank all of you courageous men (and women) who are with me. It means a lot, and gives me hope.
    I hope I can give something back to you all as well, and I acknowledge that as a part of my healing process.

    And I know I am bigger than this.
  2. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest


    Be strong, be your true self.
    Wish you luck on this journey.
    Write how is your progress (;

    Best wishes,
  3. Tabula Rasa

    Tabula Rasa What fire dies when you feed it?

    This community has been key in getting me to the 30 day's a lot easier to do when you know you're not alone! Something tells me you're gonna have a good reboot. Best of luck, JDoe.
  4. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Thanks everyone. I do appreciate the support.
    9 days now. Had a big argument with my woman yesterday, and I felt the 'itch' come back for the first time since I started this streak. (I hate using the word 'streak' because it sort of implies that this is a temporary period of being clean - and my intention is to STAY clean indefinitely...but I digress.)
    I see how I use PMO to self-medicate when I'm angry or stressed. It's not a new discovery for me; I've noticed it before but I wanted to write it down here to remind myself when I'm feeling this way again. And maybe others feel this too. Anger and frustration can be a real trigger. Energy needing release.
    And of course when we're fighting, that means we're not having sex...which just further complicates things!

    And boredom. Boredom is definitely one of my biggest triggers. Sometimes I think if I could eliminate boredom, I could kick this thing so much easier.
    If anyone reading this has dealt with the boredom thing, I'm all ears and all feedback is welcome.
  5. Invictus01

    Invictus01 New Member

    Good luck dude! Actually, I truly believe that once you fully committed to quitting this, there is no way you can fail. So, no luck needed, just some will power.
  6. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Thanks all.
    10 days now. Feeling pretty good, though I'm definitely craving some skin-time with my woman. We're still a bit distant from our argument the other day. I have seen this end up being a trigger for me a lot in the past. When I'm angry at her and horny at the same time, I'd always head for the PMO for some relief. I'm not willing to "prostitute" myself (end the disagreement prematurely just so I can have sex with her).

    So today is a bit of a challenge. But I know it will resolve soon. Just feeling a lot of energy in my lower groin region...tension seeking some resolution. But I'm staying strong. I've been here before.

    Woke up with a raging hard on too, which is always a good sign! :D
  7. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    JDoe, when bored why not do the other things you like doing? If not exercise or going out at all, then just watch movies, shows, listen to music while browsing. I know that these things are generally not viewed as the greatest of suggestions on here, but if it pushes time and keeps you PMO-free, why the hell not?
  8. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Great advice ModusVivendi. I got on my motorcycle and went for a ride. Totally took my mind off it. Feeling a lot more settled now.
    I think I need to make a list of things I like to do so that when I get 'the itch' - I can just go to my list and pick something to get my mind off it.
    And I am VERY fond of music as that's a good one.

    So, right now my list ist is:
    #1 - Get on the friggin' bike!
    #2 - Put on some good music and rock the hell out!
    #3 - Get the hell out of the house (combined with #1 if possible) and go somewhere different...get out of the surroundings where I've relapsed before.

    Thanks mate. I'll keep adding stuff as I think of it.
  9. Dukha

    Dukha Guest

    Hey JDoe, just swinging by to say hi - glad to see you're doing so well. It's good to see some guys on here around the 40 year old mark like myself, trying to do the same thing. I've been using porn almost 30 years and am determined to stop now too.

    Keep strong man - I did 45 days a while ago and it was revelatory. I slipped up after tricking myself it was ok to look at soft stuff on youtube and now I've learnt the hard way what a) I lost by doing that, and b) what i've been doing to myself all these years. Being free of PMO is fantastic.

    Definitely a good idea to find alternatives to acting out, but also I think very valuable to feel the urges without pushing them away as they'll keep coming back. It's good to treat our demons with love and compassion, and to include the feelings rather than trying to destroy them - whether we like it or not they're part of ourselves and come from somewhere within. It gets easier as the days go by, and then it's really just about vigilance and keeping one's priorities in focus, and feeling life rushing up to meet you.

    Good luck!
  10. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    11 Days PM free.

    Me and my woman reconnected last night after not speaking for a few days. We had sex. I had a bit of ED at first - which surprised me because we'd had VERY good sex about 5 days ED or PE at all). I think it was because we could hear our son walking around downstairs right at 'the moment.' But once I managed to relax, things started working. But I was a bit over-sensitive, and didn't last very long. I guess my brain is still a bit screwy, and the anxiety thing is still messing me up. It helps that we are learning to just chuckle about it together. She is a very supportive partner, and I appreciate and love her so much.

    When the hell of getting over this addiction gets really bad, I just remind myself what an amazing woman I am married to and how much I love her, and that she deserves the very best of me. I am committed to seeing that she gets nothing less.

    The funniest thing happened after last night. I woke up this morning with the most RAGING morning bad it was aching. WTF?!?! My body is so damned weird. I told her and we laughed about it together. ;D

    I think getting to a place wehere we can laugh about the stange things happening to our bodies is very healing. I need to remind myself of that often. I can take stuff too seriously, and it just feeds the anxiety. And the more I feed the anxiety, the more I am going to be looking for some sort of a release...and hence feeding the beast. Vicious cycle.
    No more!

    Until tomorrow - stay strong, brothers!
  11. Tabula Rasa

    Tabula Rasa What fire dies when you feed it?

    JDoe, it's great to see you having so much progress on only Day 11! I bet the wife is loving it.

    Keep truckin'!
  12. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Thanks mate. Yeah, it is definitely a good thing for me AND the wife! ;D

    I'm feeling a bit flat today. I suppose that's a good thing. No really strong cravings, and Mr. Johnson feels a bit dead down there. Could be flat-lining, too early to tell. I know flat-lining can be scary, and the urge to 'test' myself and make sure my dick hasn't died comes along with it. This time, though, I know to expect that - and I'm not giving in. I am going to see this through to the other side. The good news is that my flat-line periods rarely last very long...usually just a few days. Then I start turning ravenous again.

    More and more I realise that the last nine months of on-again, off-again with no PMO were just a great educational experience. I learned so much about what my mental processes are with trying to quit this thing. I see the patterns now...they're just so damned obvious after seeing the same sequence of events happen over and over. I sort of wish I'd kept a journal on prior attempts; I'd probably have gotten here a lot sooner if I had. I have a really strong sense that I'm actually going to kick this thing for good this time.

    Now, time to get my ass out of this chair and out of the house. The bike and an open stretch of highway awaits...
  13. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Well JDoe, feel free to share the mental processes that go along to help anyone else here out, us first timers especially :D
  14. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    ModusVivendi - I'll try and share whatever I can mate.
    When I say 'mental processes,' I'm basically talking about the kinds of games I have played with myself (like convincing myself that edging was OK), and the psychological effects I experienced on previous attempts, etc.
    I've never gone completely PMO free, just for the record. I am married - so I decided going O-free is out for me. P & M, however, are the two I have committed to kicking. I started on this journey almost a year ago, after I experienced ED for the first time in my life. It scared the hell out of me, and I went looking for answers. I thank my lucky stars that I stumbled upon Gary's work within a month of my first ED I had some idea what I was dealing with. What I did not fully understand, however, was just how truly difficult kicking the porn habit really was.

    The first time I kicked it, I managed to abstain for almost an entire month before I relapsed. My ED symptoms had greatly subsided after the month of being PM free, and I told my self "well, screw it - I'm fixed! So I can have a little taste every now and again..." Needless to say, within a very short period, I was right back into it - and right back where I started. The ED came back with full fury, and this is when I started lying to my wife. She would ask me if I was backk on the porn again, and I would always deny it...thinking I could just stop using again and fix myself. I hated lying to her, but I didn't want her to lose faith in me and I believed I could sort it out.
    This happened over and over again. I would try edging with P only, P with no M, M with no P, edging without P, name it. I basically tried every possible combination over the nine months that followed. Every single time, I ended up with ED again. And as time wore on, I started getting the worst PE I had ever experienced. I was literally ejaculating with a half-erect penis, at the end. It was totally demoralizing. That's when I just knew I had to stop this shit for good, and stop lying to myself and everyone else. It was time to stop. I had tried every possible way of bullshitting myself that I could retain some of the past behavior...and found every road a dead end. I hit my rock bottom.

    When I would stop for more than a few days at a time, I experienced nearly every symptom you've probably already heard about: horrible depression, crushing boredom, headaches, insomnia, mood-swings, inability to concentrate. It was really awful.

    The one thing I will say I might have done right throughout all of that was on each attempt, I limited myself even further. The first few relapses, I allowed myself to go to ALMOST the same behavior I had started with - but not quite. By the time I had my last relapse, I was edging to images that would probably not even be classified by many as 'porn' (girls in lingerie without full nudity...that sort of thing). But it still didn;t matter. Giving myself that dopamine rush - however I did it - still brought the symptoms of ED and PE back with a fury.

    I am 13 days in now, and I just had sex with my woman this morning...and I am thrilled to report NO PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER. I have to be really cautious though, because I know this is a place where I have let my guard down in the past. I have no doubts whatsoever that getting PM out of my life is the solution for me. I have tested the theory on myself so thoroughly now, I can say that without any reservation.

    So to any man reading this, I just want to say - though your mileage may vary in terms of the amount of time it requires for you to see results - THIS STUFF DOES WORK. PLEASE STAY WITH IT, AND DON'T TRY AND TAKE SHORTCUTS LIKE I DID!
  15. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Stealing a great quote from ironworld here. I want this to be in my journal permanently so I see it again and again...
    "I went 30 days PMO free but eventually relapsed after convincing myself I was fine (the good mood I was in thanks to not using porn ironically made me think it wasn't the porn that was the problem)"
    So, so true!

    My reptilian brain can be one slippery bastard. I need to be vigilant.
  16. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    15 days clean. Feeling really good today...motivated!
    Had a dream last night that included some female nudity. Remember thinking to myself in the dream "Hey, you're not supposed to be looking at this!"
    I think that's a good sign.

    Woke up with morning wood so bad I had to sit down to take a piss (sorry to be so graphic there...but there's just no better way to describe that than the ugly truth!) ;D

    Beautiful day outside. Feeling the need to get out there, make stuff happen, and LIVE!
  17. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    16 days clean.
    The crazy morning wood seems to be a permanent feature lately (I am NOT complaining!) ;) I take it as a good sign.
    Had sex today. A little bit of ED again, but quickly overcome. PE was still there though, although not as bad as it has been previously. I am definitely noticing that the ED and PE go hand in hand though...I never get one without the other. I think I just need to relax more, stop trying to overthink it. I am famous for overthinking everything.

    And my woman remains understanding, supportive, and just generally wonderful. I realise that I am a lucky man, more and more as we work our way through this...
  18. Dukha

    Dukha Guest

    Yes mate. 16 days is excellent, and to have a woman who understands and supports you with this is magic. Good for her.

    Keep going dude.
  19. Forgive Me

    Forgive Me tmrw belongs to people who prepare for it today!

    Hey Jdoe, just read your journal and wanted to wish you the best with your reboot, your paleo diet and now fasting ;)

    Change is gonna come, just remain steadfast!

    Oh and i think that the quote above is from I-AM-A-MAN? He has a great journal and well worrth reading.
  20. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Thanks guys. Feeling really strong right now. Apologies to IAAM if I stole his quote (thought it was ironworld - but I may be mistaken).

    Had a really good talk with a dear friend who is also recovering from PMO today. We sat on my porch and shared our experiences openly and honestly together. It was such a privelege to feel that connection in battling this thing. Our stories are so similar, it's scary. I've told him about this forum, and I suspect we may have a new member real soon. He is a good man, with a big heart.

    Still haven't started the fasting, but I plan to real soon. Paleo is just a regular, effortless part of my life now and has been for 9+ months. I'd never go back to the way my life was before it. And between that and getting myself finally free of porn, I just feel like a new man right now.

    Huge man-hugs to all you men for your support and solidarity. This board restires my faith in humanity on a daily basis - and you guys are a big part of that. GRATITUDE!

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