Hello everyone. It’s now or never. I am 51 and tackling a whole lot of issues at the same time. I have spent most of my life drinking too much (nightly – luckily I never became a full blown alcoholic where one starts drinking in the morning) and jerking off excessively. I have, with some notable exceptions, wasted most of my adult life, especially the last 20 years. Time is slipping away and the mirror is not as kind to me as it used to be. As the song goes “I ain’t wasting time no more.” I have not been very successful in life. I hate my job (though I am taking steps, finally, to hopefully fix that), I am single and lonely and, though not in debt, I am not financially stable at all, especially for someone my age. One thing I am proud of is I do have a fantastic group of friends. Real friends, people who are just as much my family as they are friends which is better than both. They are truly good people. I started drinking when I was 15 and never looked back. Obviously I have been running from something and self medicating my entire life. I know it is a self-esteem issue and am working hard to heal myself. Ironically, I have spent hundreds, maybe thousands, of hours studying health, fitness, well being, and spirituality. I have read tons on these subjects including a large amount of self-improvement books. This has been in an effort to cure myself but it has taken me this long to get to where I am today, here now, writing this first entry into my journal. I am actually happier than I’ve ever been but I still have so far to go and, at this rate, I’ll be dead long before I get there. I need to jumpstart a huge leap forwards, in as short a time as possible. With that being said I believe I literally have all the knowledge tools I need to make this happen. I absolutely know what I need to do and how to do it. I know how I need to eat, work out, meditate etc to strive towards a self-actualized life. I JUST NEED TO DO IT! I won’t go too much into the drinking because I’m sure we all know it is bad for your health and your soul. Last year I quit three times before relapsing, for 3 months, 2 months, and then 1 month. In that order. My track record got worse and worse but at least I know I can do it. I just have to keep doing it. It is probably the most important and negative thing affecting my life. As for porn, and roughing up the suspect, I really got into it about 10 years ago. Being an older guy the early days were just porno mags, like Playboy and Penthouse, and I am glad the internet, and readily accessible porn, wasn’t around when I was younger and my brain was still forming connections which they say happens into the early twenties. I’m hoping my brain isn’t as miswired and crossed as some of the younger guys who were PMOing during this important developmental period. I’m hoping it won’t take me as long to reset. Anyways I did, eventually, start hitting the porn hard and beating my dick like it owed it me money, 3 to 4 times a day. I was using myself like an amusement park. I used to blame it, or rationalize it, on my “high sex drive” but now I know I was (am) addicted. I got into watching things that weren’t good for my self-esteem and it became a downward spiral as the pleasure of it became ingrained with it. I know it is imperative that I stop if I am to come out of this. I have dabbled in NoFap, several times, but never got past 9 days. I have found that, within a few days of quitting, women who I would have discarded as unattractive become attractive to me. PMO has hindered my ability to meet women because of this. I used to blame it on my “high standards” but now I know it was the porn adversely altering my perceptions. I have joked, with friends, that I actually didn’t qualify for the type of woman who met my warped standards but it’s true. I have to become supremely confident in myself if I am going to find that wonderful woman and have a healthy relationship with her. One has to love himself in order to truly be loved and I am struggling with this. I know if I focus on me, and give it all I’ve got, everything I want will just fall into place. On top of all of this I want to be the kind of person who inspires, through my actions and self care, other people to want to improve themselves. I want to get to where I want to be and then help others get there too. I have often lurked on NF forums but I’ve decided it would be good for me to open up and actively participate with others here. I’ve decided I need the support of a group and, hopefully, to be of some help to others here. I am on a scant 3 days of no pmo this time. Thanks for reading.