It's now or never / running out of time

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Trouble Afoot, May 2, 2021.

  1. Trouble Afoot

    Trouble Afoot New Member

    Hello everyone. It’s now or never. I am 51 and tackling a whole lot of issues at the same time. I have spent most of my life drinking too much (nightly – luckily I never became a full blown alcoholic where one starts drinking in the morning) and jerking off excessively. I have, with some notable exceptions, wasted most of my adult life, especially the last 20 years. Time is slipping away and the mirror is not as kind to me as it used to be. As the song goes “I ain’t wasting time no more.” I have not been very successful in life. I hate my job (though I am taking steps, finally, to hopefully fix that), I am single and lonely and, though not in debt, I am not financially stable at all, especially for someone my age. One thing I am proud of is I do have a fantastic group of friends. Real friends, people who are just as much my family as they are friends which is better than both. They are truly good people.

    I started drinking when I was 15 and never looked back. Obviously I have been running from something and self medicating my entire life. I know it is a self-esteem issue and am working hard to heal myself. Ironically, I have spent hundreds, maybe thousands, of hours studying health, fitness, well being, and spirituality. I have read tons on these subjects including a large amount of self-improvement books. This has been in an effort to cure myself but it has taken me this long to get to where I am today, here now, writing this first entry into my journal. I am actually happier than I’ve ever been but I still have so far to go and, at this rate, I’ll be dead long before I get there. I need to jumpstart a huge leap forwards, in as short a time as possible. With that being said I believe I literally have all the knowledge tools I need to make this happen. I absolutely know what I need to do and how to do it. I know how I need to eat, work out, meditate etc to strive towards a self-actualized life.

    I JUST NEED TO DO IT!

    I won’t go too much into the drinking because I’m sure we all know it is bad for your health and your soul. Last year I quit three times before relapsing, for 3 months, 2 months, and then 1 month. In that order. My track record got worse and worse but at least I know I can do it. I just have to keep doing it. It is probably the most important and negative thing affecting my life.

    As for porn, and roughing up the suspect, I really got into it about 10 years ago. Being an older guy the early days were just porno mags, like Playboy and Penthouse, and I am glad the internet, and readily accessible porn, wasn’t around when I was younger and my brain was still forming connections which they say happens into the early twenties. I’m hoping my brain isn’t as miswired and crossed as some of the younger guys who were PMOing during this important developmental period. I’m hoping it won’t take me as long to reset. Anyways I did, eventually, start hitting the porn hard and beating my dick like it owed it me money, 3 to 4 times a day. I was using myself like an amusement park. I used to blame it, or rationalize it, on my “high sex drive” but now I know I was (am) addicted. I got into watching things that weren’t good for my self-esteem and it became a downward spiral as the pleasure of it became ingrained with it. I know it is imperative that I stop if I am to come out of this.

    I have dabbled in NoFap, several times, but never got past 9 days. I have found that, within a few days of quitting, women who I would have discarded as unattractive become attractive to me. PMO has hindered my ability to meet women because of this. I used to blame it on my “high standards” but now I know it was the porn adversely altering my perceptions. I have joked, with friends, that I actually didn’t qualify for the type of woman who met my warped standards but it’s true. I have to become supremely confident in myself if I am going to find that wonderful woman and have a healthy relationship with her. One has to love himself in order to truly be loved and I am struggling with this. I know if I focus on me, and give it all I’ve got, everything I want will just fall into place. On top of all of this I want to be the kind of person who inspires, through my actions and self care, other people to want to improve themselves. I want to get to where I want to be and then help others get there too.

    I have often lurked on NF forums but I’ve decided it would be good for me to open up and actively participate with others here. I’ve decided I need the support of a group and, hopefully, to be of some help to others here.

    I am on a scant 3 days of no pmo this time. Thanks for reading.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2021
    Boxer17 likes this.
  2. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hey

    Welcome and good luck.

    Life's not a crusade to demonstrate nothing to no one. Do stuff you like. Rather, do healthy stuff that you know you will love. Little by little. So don't meditate in order to be an example to others, let's be honest, sorry man, no one cares. Turn it the other way around, who cares if you like meditating, or cooking, you'll do it if you really love it for the sake of doing it no matter what others think!!! Find something with wich drinking and PMO might interfere with so maybe you will not do that so often. Go little by little, you are not a monk! If it's not meditating, choose a sport. Be sure you love it and you really commit to be the best at it. If you like it, you won't need to make no sacrifice, it should be pleasurable to do it. Do the effort to be the best you can, but don't suffer about it because you'll quit. We are here to enjoy!!!

    I was and alcoholic, sports helped me. Plus, it's the best place to find someone with your interests.

    Hope this helps
     
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  3. Trouble Afoot

    Trouble Afoot New Member

    Thanks @Wolf333 I appreciate the feedback. Meditation, which I have done some of, is a discipline with very real benefits. It's like a workout for the mind. MRI scans show that meditation increases the amount of grey matter in the brain and also increases dopamine by 60%. This can be achieved after a month of consistently doing it. Both are extremely important but I'm really interested in the dopamine aspect since quitting pmo, and now, as of today, alcohol too, I am expecting a big drop in the dopamine in my brain along with the resulting side effects.
    I hear what you are saying about working out. It is a great natural anti-depressant and anxiety reducer. They've done studies that show exercise is equally effective as taking anti-depressant medication. Which, of course, makes it a far superior natural option. In general I like to lift weights, run, and mountain bike but, as of late, I've developed some joint issues and mild arthritis that I know is due to drinking. I had the same problems before and when I quit drinking, for 3 months, they went away. It didn't happen overnight though. After 6 weeks I thought I was stuck with them but, about 2 months in, it all started to recede.
    Congratulations on your sobriety. I know a couple of people who have been sober for a couple of years and they both tell me how much better their life is without the drink. I'm pretty sure I need to quit forever as I keep "trying" to drink again in between sober stints, and it always ends up the same: a mess of daily hangovers and body aches.
    Thanks for taking the time to read my story and also comment on it.
     
  4. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hey TA

    I don't read what you love. Forget about the numbers and the benefits, I'd like to read "whoa man I love meditating so much I'm just going to sit here for a day and do nothing else, I'm so excited!"

    I do read a good reason to quit drinking - arthritis and sports but I still lack the excitement. Set an achievable goal of something meaningful and enjoyable to you like training to lift certain weight by the end of the week or be able run x miles by the end of the month. Training for a 10km race was a goal for me. I am not very athletic, that was a hard but achievable goal I really enjoyed and helped me stayed focused. I absolutely forgot about drinking for a while.

    Best phrase here : beating my dick like it owed me money I was doing it two to three times a day! It's nuts. That is not helpful w sports either. You just have to really commit to the goal. Then set another one and enjoy the journey!

    Good luck!
     
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It took me 3 1/2 months of no sugar, no booze, to have my knees feel better. I'm older than you, but still the healing takes place. Your head is in the right place, bro'.

    I hear what Wolf is saying, and I think for some that's a good way. For me, I needed to take care of the small tasks, the things in front of me (cleaning the windows, fixing a piece of trim, etc) and also slowing everything down. If I was raking leaves I would do it slowly. I would walk slowly to my shed where I keep the leaf bags and this way doing yard work became an active meditation.

    One of the most important things you can do is journal here and write on the journals of others. The more we write the more we figure out.
     
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  6. Trouble Afoot

    Trouble Afoot New Member

    When I quit for 3 months I found that a lot of my aches and pains started going away after about 7 weeks. After a month I had really thought I was stuck with them forever. Time takes time. Undoing years and years of damage just isn't going to happen overnight. I appreciate your comments on active meditation. I have done that too before. It's amazing how one can meditate while doing, literally, anything at all. Washing dishes, or as per your example, raking leaves, can become an opportunity to quiet the always chattering mind.
     
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  7. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling. I believe the best way out of this is 'hard mode', i.e. total abstinence from porn and masturbation. You mentioned that you feel as if you have not been very successful in your life. It's not too late to make changes - I look forward to hearing more about your journey towards self-actualisation.

    As someone who's recently started meditating on a daily basis, I'd be interested to hear what type of meditation you're practicing - eyes open / eyes closed, guided with a voice/music or unguided? Do you tend to focus on your breath or perhaps a particular mantra? I've heard of some of the meditation benefits you described but in the past I've never done it consistently enough to experience those benefits.
     
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