It's Finally Time to Change - Journey

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by baco_bacon, Mar 4, 2016.

  1. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Man, I haven't posted in a forum like this for a while. But i'm glad to have stumbled upon this site as it seems to be a little more mature than reddit. But after many, many (did I say many) unsuccessful attempts at Nofap, it's time to change my thought process and the way I deal with my issues. To start, I discovered porn around the ripe age of 9 or 10. About as vanilla as you can get, but the internet was a wonderful thing and as time passed by I got smarter and the internet grew to be more vast than I could possibly imagine. As a teenager I thought myself high and mighty with no issues in the world. I got good grades, I was "popular" (ah, the good ol' highschool popularity contest), I was - and still am - extremely into working out, but did have some anxiety issues. I had stage fright. I was shy at times. But life was a lot easier at the time and I really wasn't mature enough to see the whole picture. I would freak out at my parents and convinced myself that I disdained them at times and never followed their advice. I remember countless talks of them telling me to stop watching porn (never caught me directly, but my dad is a master at computers). I let my emotions get the best of me and never was able to control them. I hurt a lot of people by what I said and how I handled certain situations, and looking back I really regret it all. My addiction reached its peak when I was 16 or 17 for sure. This was probably my turning point and when I really began to notice my anxiety and teenage mood-swings reach its peak. I had trouble maintaining eye contact and was inherently pretty awkward (despite being very social at school) and turned down lots of positive opportunities because I was afraid of failure/just afraid in general. I remember getting home from school and watching porn until I worked at 4 and wondering why the hell my performance was so bad and why I could never focus enough to learn new tasks. I Why I blushed/became embarrassed so often and why I had issues making small talk with anyone I worked with. Why I was always the "nice guy" who would always be willing to help instead of just saying no or I couldn't. Around this time I discovered NoFap on reddit and learned a lot about how your brain reacts to dopamine and actually did pretty well for awhile. I was getting extremely into lucid dreaming and meditation at this time and everything started looking up. My parents noticed a change in me and I began hanging out with my brother more. I still relapsed every so often but got to 30~ days multiple times. Later on I got into my first serious relationship with someone and I kind of forgot about NoFap but was still doing really well with not masturbating or viewing porn because I was "getting it in." We were in a long distance relationship once college began and gradually I started watching more porn again and worsening my addiction. At this point though I was fairly recovered and a lot of my anxiety was gone and I had matured A LOT by then and had become mindful enough of myself to not let my emotions get the best of me.

    Fast forward to the breakup of my relationship and bam I felt like all the issues I had prior didn't even amount to what I had in store for me after we broke up. I lost ALL of my motivation to study, I was extremely depressed (like not eating hardly anything, being exhausted 24/7 despite sleeping 10-12 hours a day), wasn't hanging out or talking to anyone including my roommates, my anxiety was at an all time high and I couldn't focus on a single task to save my life. I went through a phase of dissociation and feeling like I had a split-personality disorder because I could hardly recognize myself. My grades were awful and I was in easy classes. It was bad. Now add porn to that spiraling down affect of serious depression and you get a really f*cked up kid.

    Fast forward to a little over a year later (20 yrs old) and i'm feeling all right. I don't feel depressed anymore but a lot of my issues still remain. I still do not have much motivation to study. I still have anxiety issues (they are getting better by the day). I still have troubles with confidence. I still have concentration problems or "head fog." Oh and I'm still dealing with a porn addiction. I am doing better than have in what seems like awhile but if I had to guess I still have relapsed on average of 5-7~ times a month for the past few months.

    I have many goals and am working every day to achieve them but it's hard with little motivation. Obviously, the main goal is to cut porn out once and for all. Some other goals are to read more, meditate more, study more, and in turn hopefully bring motivation back to an all time high and get out of this damn slump i've been in for over half my life.

    I guess this journal is mainly for change. I'm not expecting a lot of views or really a whole lot of extrinsic support but I am hoping to stay inspired and if all goes well inspire others with my progress. I have a long way to go but here's to a better me.
  2. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Reddit /all is a dangerous place. I'd say scrolling through that is when I fail 90% of the time. I opened /all a few minutes, scrolled down a few pages and felt the dopamine rush before I even saw anything. It's scary guys. Quit before my mind could screw with me anymore and came straight here.

    Time to meditate/read a bit before work.
  3. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    I really am not sure how much I'll be posting on here, but I'll do my best to keep everything progress oriented. Today was my brothers birthday. We ended up trail running together to a rope swing and swinging/hanging out there for awhile. It was super nice out today. It's these little things that I think will help me the most- doing something different than my normal mundane routine. Also, I've taken 3 cold showers the past 3 days. Gonna take another one today.
  4. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Woke up hungover today and edged for about 10 minutes. Very disappointed with myself. But I got up, took a cold shower, and got my day started shortly afterward.

    Positive aspects of my day:
    2 cold showers
    Deep cleaned my room

    Still need to convince myself to study for a bit, and read if I have time later.
  5. fixmeplease

    fixmeplease Guest

    hey do you have any problems like ED from porn?
  6. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Honestly not so much. I did for a little bit a few years ago at my "worst" but it could have also been due to nerves etc. Porn definitely has affected me more mentally/psychologically than physically.

    Took another cold shower just now. Was in it much longer than I usually am. Man, that felt refreshing.
  7. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Edged again yesterday. My mind was trying to trick me into finding one of my favorite redditors. Stupid f*cking mind. I was hazy from smoking the night before and slept terribly, so I was not feeling even close to 100%. Still, got up, took a cold shower, and got on with it.

    Really only editing my signature when I O. But I'm still wanting to track every time I edge.

    Did really well today. I'm glad because this week I have a test in math and next week (dead week) is going to be extraordinarily stressful. Not only will no fapping/no porn help, it will be a nice experiment to see how abstaining affects me mentally and physiologically (stress).

    Energy levels are noticeably higher. That's the only real change I notice. I worked out late, got home, ate, and took a cold shower, and then what do you know I have to wake up in 5 hours for work. But the thing is I'm not super stressed. Normally I would need 7 hours at least of sleep or else I'd be stressing over how tired I would be the next day.

    Urges are still high. Like, REALLY high. I feel a constant tingle downstairs but its constantly feeding me with excess energy so guess it's not too bad. Just can't act on it!!!
  8. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Please be gentle - I edged AGAIN for about five minutes. Saw some pictures, felt an INTENSE boner, honestly more intense than ever felt before, then took a few deep breaths and pulled up my pants. I was scared I would accidentally O and feel like sh*t for the day. I was scared because of how awkward I feel around people. I was scared because of how my aura and overall presence shifts towards friends/coworkers. I was scared I'd beat myself up for it and put off studying. Fear honestly drove me away from edging any further and I jumped right into a cold shower. I forced myself in but I could already feel the lessened ANIMAL instincts of wanting to stay in until I couldn't handle it anymore.

    Porn f*cks you up, guys. I've spent over half my life being f*cked up by this powerful drug and I'm done with it. I hate how f*cking ecstatic it makes me because I know the emotions that come with it are FALSE. All just lies. It's only my 13th day and i've been feeling more confident ("on my A game") with socializing and overall mental state.

    I truly hope I make it out of this and more than that I hope to spread motivation and kind vibes to others struggling when I finally make it out of this dark and isolated cave. Nobody deserves to live addicted to a false and utterly catastrophic reality.

    Rant aside... but those are just some of my thoughts.
    Today was/IS long. I worked breakfast, went to class, worked dinner, and then I studied from 8-midnight with a buddy from class (test tomorrow). I don't feel prepared and I told myself I need to study more tonight - it's 1:00am now... gonna stay up 'til 3 or so. On the way home I started crashing because of how mentally/physically exhausted I was, so I told myself I'd take a cold shower to wake the f*ck up. And kind of scary to admit, I was excited to get in the cold water and cleanse myself.

    I just got out of the cold shower and honestly feel rejuvenated. My mind is more sharp, my body isn't as achy, and I'm not stressing as much. Still have a lot of work to be done but it's the little things that I get super excited about because i'm not used to feeling "cleansed/rejuvenated."

    I'll do my best to keep my head up, ace my test tomorrow, and continue on my way.
  9. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Hiked 9 miles today with my roomie. School got cancelled due to a power shortage so figured we'd both do something exciting today.

    Also, took my first warm shower in over a week or so... I was exhausted/cold from hiking and I needed a reward god dammit haha
  10. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Fell asleep around midnight last night and went to the gym this morning at 6 with a couple friends who somehow convinced me. Strength just isn't there in the morning, on top of hiking 9 miles yesterday lol. Still felt good though. Didn't feel like waiting for a bus, so ran home, cleaned the bathroom and took a cold shower.

    All my mind is telling me to do right now is take a nap before work, but I have to get some job applications started that I have been neglecting...

    Gonna do my best to stay in tonight to relax and allow me to be productive tomorrow. I have a "bad" habit of going out/staying out too late on the weekends
  11. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Almost 16 days. I must admit, it feels really good. I haven't had this long of a streak in a while. My last best streak I think was 23 days and I didn't really have many urges, that's why I failed when I finally did. And now I'm having to fight against it. I don't want to get cocky, but I do want to keep this positive momentum going. I feel good.
  12. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Going to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday. I have some other non pmo related symptoms that I'd like to discuss so hopefully that goes well.
  13. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Edged for about 10 minutes today. God dammit. Right before studying too... time to put that behind me and grind
  14. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Gotta be honest - i'm flat lining pretty fucking hard right now. My mood has been overall pretty crappy the past couple days and i'm craving a high/rush (whatever you want to call it) so badly. It's weird, like my body wants drugs. But if I smoke that feeling is still there. I'm not necessarily horny, but my body wants a lot of whatever its missing.

    Doesn't help that i'm flat lining during dead week... but hopefully i'll bounce out of it.
  15. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Man, it's been a busy as well and will continue to be busy all the way through next Wednesday. Dead week + labs + work + finals next week is brutal. I'm glad I'm as far as I am now or else I would really be struggling. Almost at a month :) can't get cocky, but I am confident I can make it! Haven't edged at all either since last time.
  16. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Welp. I am extremely disappointed in myself... Was doing SO WELL the past couple days, but today I slept like 3.5 hours and couldn't focus on studying, so originally I was just gonna fall asleep around 10 and study in the morning, but then I peeked a bit, and next thing you know i'm on a cam site talking to some girls... gah. So f*cking disappointed. Didn't O, but it was still highly stimulating for about 1.5 hours... :( Near the end I was about to O and that's when I freaked out, closed my tabs, and stepped into a cold shower. So I wasted time I could have spent studying/sleeping and instead was talking to girls getting paid to be naked. Good lord what a weird world this is.

    At this point its 12 and I could study but don't have the mental capacity to. I just need to put this behind me and sleep.
  17. Don't be too hard on yourself sounds like you've got the coping mechanisms for if you find yourself on a wave I.E cold showers!
  18. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Thanks for that. Yeah I tend to over criticize myself when I make a mistake. The cold shower helped lol. Just stepped right in and danced around a little bit until I got rid of the urge.
  19. It's very good for aching muscles after a gym/exercise session too, reduces inflammation!
  20. baco_bacon

    baco_bacon Member

    Truth. I love working out and its amazing how much better my joints feel upon taking a cold shower.

    Just smoked my nursing "mock" skills test today. Was worried all week but went in today and did really well. My partner did too. Now I just have to worry about my math final and written nursing final, both of which i'm confident about :)

    Man... I've gone 23 days now.. My last longest streak was 23 days and that was about a year ago. I feel good.
    Kind of funny reading back on my old posts... I used to have a log I kept for myself when I started nofap when I was like 16-17 yrs old... funny to read back on and see how my mindset has changed. I hit 44 days at my VERY best and my 2nd best is 24 days. I'm excited to go beyond both.. :)

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