Man, I haven't posted in a forum like this for a while. But i'm glad to have stumbled upon this site as it seems to be a little more mature than reddit. But after many, many (did I say many) unsuccessful attempts at Nofap, it's time to change my thought process and the way I deal with my issues. To start, I discovered porn around the ripe age of 9 or 10. About as vanilla as you can get, but the internet was a wonderful thing and as time passed by I got smarter and the internet grew to be more vast than I could possibly imagine. As a teenager I thought myself high and mighty with no issues in the world. I got good grades, I was "popular" (ah, the good ol' highschool popularity contest), I was - and still am - extremely into working out, but did have some anxiety issues. I had stage fright. I was shy at times. But life was a lot easier at the time and I really wasn't mature enough to see the whole picture. I would freak out at my parents and convinced myself that I disdained them at times and never followed their advice. I remember countless talks of them telling me to stop watching porn (never caught me directly, but my dad is a master at computers). I let my emotions get the best of me and never was able to control them. I hurt a lot of people by what I said and how I handled certain situations, and looking back I really regret it all. My addiction reached its peak when I was 16 or 17 for sure. This was probably my turning point and when I really began to notice my anxiety and teenage mood-swings reach its peak. I had trouble maintaining eye contact and was inherently pretty awkward (despite being very social at school) and turned down lots of positive opportunities because I was afraid of failure/just afraid in general. I remember getting home from school and watching porn until I worked at 4 and wondering why the hell my performance was so bad and why I could never focus enough to learn new tasks. I Why I blushed/became embarrassed so often and why I had issues making small talk with anyone I worked with. Why I was always the "nice guy" who would always be willing to help instead of just saying no or I couldn't. Around this time I discovered NoFap on reddit and learned a lot about how your brain reacts to dopamine and actually did pretty well for awhile. I was getting extremely into lucid dreaming and meditation at this time and everything started looking up. My parents noticed a change in me and I began hanging out with my brother more. I still relapsed every so often but got to 30~ days multiple times. Later on I got into my first serious relationship with someone and I kind of forgot about NoFap but was still doing really well with not masturbating or viewing porn because I was "getting it in." We were in a long distance relationship once college began and gradually I started watching more porn again and worsening my addiction. At this point though I was fairly recovered and a lot of my anxiety was gone and I had matured A LOT by then and had become mindful enough of myself to not let my emotions get the best of me. Fast forward to the breakup of my relationship and bam I felt like all the issues I had prior didn't even amount to what I had in store for me after we broke up. I lost ALL of my motivation to study, I was extremely depressed (like not eating hardly anything, being exhausted 24/7 despite sleeping 10-12 hours a day), wasn't hanging out or talking to anyone including my roommates, my anxiety was at an all time high and I couldn't focus on a single task to save my life. I went through a phase of dissociation and feeling like I had a split-personality disorder because I could hardly recognize myself. My grades were awful and I was in easy classes. It was bad. Now add porn to that spiraling down affect of serious depression and you get a really f*cked up kid. Fast forward to a little over a year later (20 yrs old) and i'm feeling all right. I don't feel depressed anymore but a lot of my issues still remain. I still do not have much motivation to study. I still have anxiety issues (they are getting better by the day). I still have troubles with confidence. I still have concentration problems or "head fog." Oh and I'm still dealing with a porn addiction. I am doing better than have in what seems like awhile but if I had to guess I still have relapsed on average of 5-7~ times a month for the past few months. I have many goals and am working every day to achieve them but it's hard with little motivation. Obviously, the main goal is to cut porn out once and for all. Some other goals are to read more, meditate more, study more, and in turn hopefully bring motivation back to an all time high and get out of this damn slump i've been in for over half my life. I guess this journal is mainly for change. I'm not expecting a lot of views or really a whole lot of extrinsic support but I am hoping to stay inspired and if all goes well inspire others with my progress. I have a long way to go but here's to a better me.