Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by EFS White, Apr 5, 2013.
That makes me laugh every time. I'll post later. Cheers
Not quite sure what happened last night but I feel (to use Truett's fantastic wording) like merde today. I went to bed at 11 but couldn't sleep for easily up to three hours. Then got up a 6 to get a good headstart and deliver a first milestone to a client — but was struck by unbearable nausea and headaches, which forced me to go right back to bed after I had delivered my work. I feel slightly better now but my mood is kind of rancid and foul. In terms of emotional management I did alright so far, no noticable indecent thoughts of my colleague, but I did have a few flashes of sexual thoughts of this other girl friend of mine. At any rate I feel kind of irritable and blue ballish today, and I need to make myself aware not to build up any (sexual or otherwise) expectations towards this evening.
I wish I could say I am wholeheartedly looking forward to it, which I am on most levels. Anyway, I hope my mood will improve and I will feel back in shape by tonight.
Today's mood is kind of a mystery to me. It might be subconscious incitements. I will get back to work now, but should make sure to analyze this some more and arrive a plan for dealing with potential compulsions after tonight's "date". (First step may be not to even think of it as a "date".)
I spent a wonderful evening with my colleague and a friend of hers last night at this exhibition; I know that an evening like last night profoundly means more to me than sex. I love sex — but to me feeling truly (i.e. personally, not virtually or digitally-illusionary) connected with someone means more.
So anyway, I have been feeling blue ballish for two days in a row, not quite sure why. Now I just came back from an insane workout and have blue balls no more — now I just feel dead. Hahaha.
Seems I am in the process of doing a good job about making social plans this week. Have stayed busy in my job (and had paid work) which means a lot to me, have been making good decisions and keeping indecent fantasies of befriended women very contained to the tune of a couple of seconds a day.
One thing is tricky and I need to be aware of that: Spending time with my colleague and my other female friend is great, it's very refreshing and of course I am thankful that neither of them rejected my propositions for going out. However, I do get attached very easily and when I enjoy myself as much as I did last night, I usually want to repeat that feeling — and might start feeling really sad and lonely once I allow myself to reflect how I am not in a serious, loving relationship right now.
Also, going out with attractive women (like yesterday and as it seems tomorrow evening) creates an incredible high in me, I assume its as much a dopamine fix as is porn only of a healthier kind. What I need to focus on today (or generally on the days after) is to consciously bring down this excited energy, calm myself, let go of the charges and attachments and ground myself. If I can manage to do that I usually don't get sexual urges... however, feeling excited feels so good I often conveniently forget.
20 days is great. I managed to pass the significant 14 day marker about a week ago and work through some mild stretches of lower mood. Now I am feeling in gear again, above average moods, very self-confident, a very healthy and vibrant self-image and a very pleasant sense of openness when interacting (which is usually the first thing that gets spoiled by PMO'ing).
Let's hope I don't accidentally trip up and spoil this good stretch by some spontaneous stupidity.
Hence the mantra: No spontaneous stupidity.
Going strong! Just make sure you don't forget what brought you here in the midst of these good times
Yep, I know that intoxication well. Let it spur you on to real-life achievements and not inward-turned old habits! People and women can be wonderful sometimes and I think we can forget that because of all the drama we've endured.
It may not be healthy just how much I have come to rely on this forum to prevent relapses — but it is outright laughable that not having access to this forum so promptly lead to a relapse. For the last three days I have been unable to access this site, as soon as urges took to red alert level (and in combination with knowing that my resolution to reboot is significantly weakened after the 14 day marker) I fell into a relapse pattern without putting up much of a fight.
Assessing where I stand right now: I am okay. I don't feel bad, PMO gave me a good thrill, as usual, only had a couple minutes of, well, that wasn't really necessary, now was it?, afterwards. It is important for me to acknowledge this. Most journals I read guys are like "I couldn't even enjoy it" etc. Well, I could. The more vital questions remains, was it worth it? Nuh, I guess not.
The reason I do not feel discouraged much by this relapse is that I know I have very solid plans in place for the next couple of days. I will actually leave in about an hour to visit with a friend over the weekend, I'll have new work coming in to keep my busy, and anticipating the stretch ahead I should be covered at least until next Wednesday. I mean I would have to try really hard to even come up with a possibility to relapse, and I have no plans of doing that. So I should get a pretty good head start of a couple of clean days in without much effort, and I appreciate that.
What knocked me out? Well, I had asked a woman I am sort of crushing on to go to an exhibition with me on Monday, and much to my surprise and gratitude she agreed and tagged along. It was a beautiful evening, and the next day we exchanged a few polite / nice / conversational / mildly flirty text messages. With this I have allowed the seed of attachment to be planted in my heart, wanting to see her again soon. Then on Wednesday I went out to the movies with a girl friend of mine. Now, I am not crushing on this second girl, and I am not really attracted to her either but she did spark a few sexual fantasies and we did have a great evening. I guess I just love the buzz of feminine energy around me.
So anyway, in both cases I had a great time. What broke my resolve this time around was the 1) attachment to wanting to repeat these experiences, 2) remembering that both of them, especially my pseudo-crush, are in relationships, 3) arriving at the "dead-end" conclusion that all of this is not going anywhere, 4) with no other options for a loving relationship / family in sight...
> I should totally PMO now ... I should have intentionally let go of all arising attachments, especially of my impatience, trusting that in the right time and as a product of my right choices and healthy behaviours I will meet the right woman for me. In the moment this is not easy to do. For one, this intoxication with female energy is wonderful, I love it, I cherish it, so it is counterintuitive to just let it go. Secondly, no matter how hard a grip I keep on fantasy, expectation or otherwise indecent thought (and I did very well in this regard, I was really present and in the moment, open and just enjoying myself without conscious anticipation of anything) I believe that close contact with attractive females creates at least a subconscious sexual expectation or charge.
Knowing that PMO is my coping mechanism, what did I cope with? The desire for connection, intimacy, sex, romance, having a relationship and a prospect of starting a family. Of course PMO does not satisfy these. PMO addresses the sexual desire, none of the others.
How, in practice, in the moment, could I have done better (i.e. not turn to porn)? This is the crux: This is exactly why I relapsed — I DO NOT REALLY KNOW. If I let the desire for connection, intimacy and a relationship arise in the first place with no current option of attaining it, I do not seem to know how to resolve this in a healthy way. It seems impossible. I can try to acknowledge these desires and see that they are based on loving and good intentions, and I can hope that the awareness and acceptance of these desires will disarm them. Once this challenge becomes acute I am left with willpower and repressing as my weapons. In order to prevent it from going acute in the first place I must learn to disconnect, unattach, learn to love without clinging.
And that's a big one. Nothing short of a life lesson. Learn to love without clinging, I must.
I was thinking the same thing... it's almost as if I've replaced checking P sites for checking this forum. It's undoubtedly healthier but is it sustainable? The answer would seem to be no in light of the "panic" of being unable to log in. In my case, I think I spent a lot more time on dating sites and fantasizing than I should have. It would have been all too easy to relapse.
I think that this is one of life's great ironies: that in order to get what he wants (connection, attachment, and love), a man has to act as if it's the thing he cared least about in all the world, for both his own good, so as not to become clingy and pathetic, and to maintain the interest of the one(s) he is seeking connection with. What a fucking joke
Anyway, it sounds like you're right back on the wagon and have a chance to get a week under your belt without any issues, so have a great weekend
Note to self:
That's a great axiom on your last post EFSwhite.
When I relapse, there is a part of me that does enjoy the sexuality of it. The fantasy part is also going crazy. But I don't enjoy it overall because the part of me that is fed up with this has been stronger than the part that enjoys it for a few months now.
I which you a partner EFS and I wonder why you're not simply going out to find one for you. I understand it's fun to enjoy good female company and the energy in of itself can generate an air of erotism (in a tantric sort of way) to even a greater extent than actual sex. I will give you my personal opinion about the hot colleague: if that woman is with someone else and they don't plan to break up, my personal opinion is that you're fucked my friend and it will only lead to misery and protracted loss for both of you. Can you be satisfied being a second wheel and not sharing a real intimacy with her?
I know this is a straight up comment and I might sound patronizing or harsh. I just know you're the type of person who won't take what I say at face value and will likely answer as you see fit so I feel comfortable writing it.
I dunno since I've never been in this type of situation and I guess I would feel just like you but I suggest you give this romantic thing an expiry date.
Of course it's so relateable that we all need coping mechanisms, and are on hair-triggers. But I ask you: is it not possible to at least, if at wit's end, MO without P?
What really is there that P gives us other than the distorted mind of an addict? The MO sensation is understandable from an organic view. We have the stuff, it needs release. But P? Nothing except frustration and delusion and heartbreak. Can we retrain ourselves to see it as the disgusting mirage it is?
I'm reminded of this post and think maybe we should give it a reread: Porn is not an option.
I wish you the best in putting your sharp realizations into practice, EFS. On the more positive side I'm happy to see that you're getting all this female intoxication, tough as it may be to accept without urges which ensnare you...
I felt that I relapsed because the board was down... but on second thought I think the fuze had almost burnt. One trigger was as good as another.
Now is a good time to get the mind straight about a relationship. It should be something one wants, not something one needs. You know what I'm talking about.
Courage, man! The next time you want to repeat experiences like those, then decide to have experiences like those, not try to substitute PMO for them.
There is the idea that some people have the tendency to get interested in the wrong people, setting themselves up for disappointment. If those girls are in relationships, what about all the girls who are not? There is a world of girls out there who have their own merde together, who don't need saving, who are intelligent, resourceful and funny, and who would like to spend time with you.
Back today after more than three years.
I doubt anyone from back then is still following my thread here, but as you all know, we are writing these diaries mostly for ourselves...
I'll give the quickest of recaps:
- was watching porn regularly from about 11 onwards
- porn became an addiction during sexually dysfunctional marriage (wife had abuse issues from childhood)
- started fighting porn addiction about 2012
- went into serious studies of Buddhism, Daosim and Gnosticism early 2014 and successfully got unhooked from porn
- went for several stretches of about 100, sometimes up to 150 days without porn, masturbation and orgasm
So, it's all good, right?
Well, as you can all assume from my being back here, no, things are not as well as they may appear.
After having been single for a total of six years following my divorce I found a new girlfriend about six months ago. I was living an almost celibate lifestyle before that, going for weeks to months without any sexual activity, and I was feeling great about that. Since now I started having sex with my new girl again, I curiously also started getting the ol' familiar itches and kind of semi-consciously drifted back into watching porn on an almost daily basis.
Now, the one thing that has changed, is that I barely orgasm to porn anymore. But still, I'm like WHAT THE FUCK?! I thought I had this stuff beat, why the fuck would I resort back to it now???
It's beginning to dawn on me that being in a relationship again now is what triggers some very deep seated fears and trust-issues. I don't have a good understanding of this at all yet, and if any of you can chime in I will be very grateful.
As of right now I am having a very difficult time summing up what my new issue is.
I feel very bipolar about my relationship, at times deeply thankful and happy to have been given a second chance, then doubting it all hard and suddenly on the verge of wanting to break up.
With my girl, we have a very passionate sex life, and I'd look at her and think, good god she's so sexy... only to find myself at other times questioning whether I like her enough to build a relationship, feeling worried that she might loose her sex appeal over the years and I will no longer feel attracted to her, and very frequently seeing other girls that trigger sexual desires.
Can't sum this up better for the moment, I'm sorry, but it's this very confusion that brought me here.
My best strategy for the moment is to come here and post, whenever I feel that inner turmoil that would usually drive me to watch porn.
To anyone bothering to read this: I appreciate it. Thank you.
There's still a few old faces around. This thread is like a time capsule
Thanks, HPMOF, for checking in.
So, today is another difficult day. I am on day 4 of not watching porn, and I feel like a total beginner. That sucks. At times it does feel like all the progress I've made in these last years has gone out of the window. The truth, however, is that these are new layers of challenges.
I am very self-observant these days, and I notice that despite having a girlfriend — who is very much into sex — I keep looking at other women. It feels as if I am constantly running into women with hotter bodies, prettier faces etc., and even though I know this is all due to my porn-twisted brain, it is still so very hard to resist that desire.
Well, at least that's one thing I've come to notice. Over the course of the last months it was always the days when I did indulge in porn that I became very irritable und grouchy around my girlfriend. Whenever I run a dedicated effort to avoid pornography for a couple of days, it seems my mood stabilizes, and with it the mood of the entire relationship.
I have a hard time summing this all up properly, and very little time to dedicate to this journal today, so I'll just share this one moment:
I went on a walk about two weeks ago and ran into this female jogger with one of the most perfect bodies I have every seen. I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say, this was right up my porn alley, and my whole body just went nuts for this girl. So now I know where she lives, and I cannot help but thinking about this encounter EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME I walk by her house.
I know enough about Buddhism and Gnosticism by now to identify that this is pure DESIRE at work, and LUST to be exact. I am very much aware that these are my porn-pathways firing hot — yet despite all this knowing it is so hard to resist at times.
For the time being I pray a lot and try to introduce micro-meditations throughout the day to remain alert and aware and not give in to temptation.
For some odd reason this shit felt easier when I was still single. It was something to the effect of: "I chose to live a celibate life for the time being, therefore I notice these sexual triggers but do not succumb to them."
Whereas now it feels like: "Yes, I do have a sexy girlfriend and do indulge in sex that is pretty great at times — but, hey, check out this other chick, isn't she even hotter? Wouldn't it be a thrill to..."
Can't explain this better right now.
Hope you all have a clean day.
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