It's a New Day!!!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by big54, Jun 5, 2016.

  1. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Day 4
    Since Relapse – Day 4
    Since Last View Porn – Day 4

    Post – 1
    So, I’m back. And I once again decided to start a new topic. New Reboot, New Page. I don’t know if that’s the way to do this or not, but it’s what I’m doing, sorry. So I had been struggle stay clean for more then 1-2 weeks at a time when the girl I was talking to moved to South Korea. With my best chance for sex gone I gave up, and there is no better way to put it then that. I went on what ended up being a 2 and a half week binge giving in whenever I felt the urge, sometime giving in just for the sake of giving in. It may have been my rock bottom. Other binges were done without knowledge of the pain PMO causes but this one was done with full understanding. But thankfully porn addiction is not drug addiction and going on a binge won’t kill me. It will make being cured harder obviously but here I am. I am devoid of all the optimism that usually accompanies a fresh reboot attempt. I’m not dumb, and I’m not new to this. Just going to try and stay focus living day by day, and try not to obsess over, well anything.
     
  2. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Day 11
    Since Relapse – Day 11
    Since Last View Porn – Day 11

    Post – 2
    10 days in and the urges are getting stronger. I’m thankful this isn’t a payday weekend cause there is a good chance I’d be in a strip club tonight if I could afford it. This has always been a dangerous time for me when it comes to reboots. I’m further enough along that PMO will feel good, and not so far that I feel like I’m losing a bunch of progress by giving in. Well, I’m going to play some video games and binge some Lost and hopefully that will get me through the night.

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today then you were yesterday”
     
  3. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Day 11
    Since Relapse – Day 11
    Since Last View Porn – Day 11

    Post – 3
    I really hate this phase of rebooting, which is probably why I rarely make it through. I guess I should hit you with a little bit of back story to anyone following this. I am a 32 year old virgin. It wasn’t until recently that I realized it’s because of porn. I’m a very social person and I have a gift of gab. I’ve always had a good amount of female friends who I could hang out with and if I wasn’t so hooked on porn I could’ve probably done more. I pretty sure I missed countless number of times to have sex when I was in college because I wasn’t paying attention to signs because they weren’t as obvious as they were in porn, lol. As I got older I the signs became less frequent and I was even less capable of capitalizing. I’ve had three relationships in my life and all three ended because of my inability to seal the deal. The first one because I was just too afraid to make the move and our relationship grew stale. The second one was the first time I encountered PIED, though I didn’t know it at the time. That relationship lasted a couple of weeks after that failed attempt before crashing and burning. But we weren’t right for each other and that prevented me from doing the research to figure out what was wrong with me. The next and last relationship ended last year. We dated on and off for the better part of 2 years. The first time we broke up it was because of failed sex attempt. That was when I decided to do some research and I found out about this problem and this site. That was close to two years ago today. She was…I don’t know how to describe her or our relationship. She was hot(to me) and nice, but sometimes I wonder if I was blinded to her flaws. But I saw all this to say, I was never obsessed with porn. I never spent an entire day browsing porn, I would find the scene I wanted do the deed and be on with my day. But in this phase of the reboot my porn addiction is at an all time high. I’ve spent most of the day thinking about porn, where in the past I would’ve thought about it, watched it and moved on. But I must be strong, I would go for a walk but when ever I try to walk to avoid porn I tend to think about porn the entire time. Oh well, I have to press on and stay strong. If I can make it through the week I should be good, hopefully.

    I’m hoping writing this will give me the strength to fight on.

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today then you were yesterday”
     
  4. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Attempt 2
    Since Relapse – Day 0
    Since Last View Porn – Day 0

    Post – 5
    So I caved, if nothing else I need this attempt to last 20 days. If for no other reason than to mentally get clear of the two week mark. Back on the horse again. I realized I was starting to feel the effects of withdrawal, random headaches and insomnia so not looking forward to going though that so fun…

    It funny as the urges grow I forget all of the tools I planned on using to fight the urge, all of the feeling of shame and lost for what porn has cost me and then as soon as I give in they come rushing back.

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today then you were yesterday”
     
  5. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Attempt 2
    Since Relapse – Day 6
    Since Last View Porn – Day 6

    Post – 6
    So I made it 1 week. Slipped up last Wednesday after caving on Monday. I felt like a boxer he got up to soon after getting knock down. Nothing really new to report, the urges don’t get strong till day 10 which makes this weekend a battle for me. No predictions, no words of wisdom, just got do what I gotta do. I’m choosing to wait till I conquer my next hurdle before I start waxing philosophical again. Not wanting to give in to the false sense of confidence.

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today then you were yesterday”
     
  6. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Attempt 4
    Since Relapse – Day 2
    Since Last View Porn – Day 2

    Post – 7
    So, I’m back. After what can best be described as a lost summer, I’m back. It’s rare to fail for an entire summer but that is what I did. I quit working out after memorial day and I was unable to go more than a week without PMO’ing. Well, I’m back. I’m going to try and post more frequently because it’s proven that this is the best way to stay clean. I’ve been back in the gym now for the last two weeks, and starting Sunday will go back to working out twice a week. No false confidence, no big commitment, just going to try and do better this time.

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today then you were yesterday”
     
  7. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Attempt 4
    Since Relapse – Day 2
    Since Last View Porn – Day 2

    Post – 8
    Free time and boredom are my biggest hurdles. I had nothing to do all day, and my mind has slipped towards porn. Didn’t cave, but figured it’d be good to document the urge. Yesterday was the first of 4 straight days with nothing to do and nowhere to go, so it looks like I’m going to earn my 1 week chip this time.

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today then you were yesterday”
     
  8. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Attempt 4
    Since Relapse – Day 4
    Since Last View Porn – Day 4

    Post – 9
    So I didn’t workout twice yesterday, my laziness over-wrote my desire to better myself. Man, when really want to do or not do something it’s really easy to come up with logical sounding justification. But I’m heading there in a few minutes so I’m still sticking to the first workout program I started. Will worry about the cardio part next week.

    I had a very vivid dream last night where I PMO’d. Man, the dream felt so real I was thinking about this post when I woke up. Not sure how I feel about having these kinds of dreams after only 4 days, but not much I can do about it. Made some plans today so I won’t be on my couch all day again today, which will increase my chances of success.

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday”
     
  9. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Attempt 4
    Since Relapse – Day 7
    Since Last View Porn – Day 7

    Post – 10
    1 week down, proud of myself. I spent 4 of the last 7 days home with nothing to do and I didn’t cave. Though the temptation wasn’t too bad, the boredom was pretty high. But I was strong, but I know this isn’t anything to truly celebrate, the real fight begins now. The next 7 days have proven to be extremely difficult for me. Will be busy all weekend, literally so hopefully that will increase my odds. On to week 2…

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today then you were yesterday”
     
  10. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Don't make it too big in your head. You can pull through as long as you occupy yourself. What's your status regarding work/study, stuff to do in that department?
     
  11. big54

    big54 Member

    I work a solid 9-5 and I'm done with school for the foreseeable future. I've been writing a series of novellas lately but I had to go back the drawing board on work on some stuff. But my main problem is boredom, and then when that urge it's I'm able to rationalize it because I'm single with no prospects right now. But I'm going to try not to focus on it and see where I end up.
     
  12. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Any stuff you can do to remove the boredom? Working out, dancing lessons, hobbys, etc?
     
  13. big54

    big54 Member

    Not really, most of my hobbies are computer focused, so most times i can stay focused on writing or programming, but if the urge kicks in it gets tough.
     
  14. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Attempt 4
    Since Relapse – Day 11
    Since Last View Porn – Day 11

    Post – 11
    I survived the weekend. It wasn’t a cake walk and there was some temptation, but I was able to power through. Kept my mind bust for the most part, and as long as my mind is busy I don’t think about it. There was sometime before I left the house Saturday where I thought about it, but it was just a fleeting thought. I want to say this week should be a breeze but there are no easy days in recovery. Everyday is a struggle, just some are worse than others. Got to keep fighting…

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today then you were yesterday”
     
  15. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Attempt 4
    Since Relapse – Day 13
    Since Last View Porn – Day 13

    Post – 12
    So as I close in on two weeks, I just realized I’m suffering from withdrawal symptoms, headaches and restless nights. On top of that I’m feeling my first true urge to cave. Though I think this is my body trying to make the pain go away and not the need to release. I’ve worked out twice in the last 24 hours, I was supposed to have worked out 5 times this week, but I finally did some cardio so I’m looking at the positives. Going to fight through this… I feel like it’s impossible to have insomnia and wake up for 7am workouts. Hopefully the latter will defeat the prior.

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today then you were yesterday”
     
  16. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    If you're able to fight the urges by working out, then work out as much as you can (as long as you don't injure or overtrain yourself :) )
     
  17. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Attempt 4
    Since Relapse – Day 15
    Since Last View Porn – Day 15

    Post – 13
    This is the strip club phase of my reboot. I call it that, because this is the phase where I want to cave in, but I don’t want porn. So my thoughts turn to the next best option in my addicted mind, strippers. At one point today I thought I had this under control and was ready for the weekend, now I’m not so sure. I don’t if I should go to the strip club or not. I actually have the money but I really wanted to save it. I also don’t know what that will do to me either. Ugh, the life of an addict…

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today then you were yesterday”
     
  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Do porn and strippers both give you a dopamine rush? If yes, then you should definitely stay away from them.

    Right now it's a habit for you. Once in a while you visit the stripclub. Especially when you've got money to spare, for you that's a "let's go!" sign. So excess money in your account has become a trigger. Open up a savings account and dump all excess money there. Personally I would say it's a waste of your money to spend on strippers, you can reward yourself with so much more awesome stuff. Like traveling across the world :)

    Work on getting the stripclub habit out of your system. It will help you.
    Good luck!
     
  19. big54

    big54 Member

    I never actually go to the strip club when i get like this, i usually crash and burn before i get there. Part of me wonders if going will prevent all out failure. But i also know that's probably the thinking of an addict anyway.
     
  20. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot – Attempt 5
    Since Relapse – Day 1
    Since Last View Porn – Day 1

    Post – 14
    Back again, I let my last failure dip into a full blown relapse. It wasn’t a daily thing but I was back to not being able to make it a week. I’m back here for some from of accountability. Since no one knows what I’m dealing with, it really easy to slip up. I really wish there was an easy way to fix myself, and I wish I could find the strength I had in the past to make it more than 2 weeks.

    So, I have to start thinking short term again. Got start focusing on days and not weeks. I have to learn to crawl again before I start running. So I have to go 4 days with giving in, if I make it 4 days that will count as a victory and anything after that won’t matter. It ain’t the best plan but everything else has failed.

    “Step by Step, Day by Day, You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today then you were yesterday”
     

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