It never ends until we end it

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Ereignis, Jan 21, 2021.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 16 (20210216)

    Woke up at the regular time, got ready for work, but when I went out to actually left, the car wouldn’t budge. (It was hard even getting into the car without a wall of snow collapsing into the door.) I texted my supervisor that I couldn’t come in today, and went back to bed. I napped until close to noon, and felt very refreshed when I woke up. At this stage of my recovery, I am highly charged with sexual thoughts, especially in bed. I keep reaching down to my crotch as if to masturbate, before stopping myself. Despite that, I feel like I am recovering well.

    When I woke up, I ate my packed lunch, roughly at the normal time (12:30-13:00). I called the body shop, who said the car would be ready at around 15:00. Around this time, I received a package from the parents: My old Nintendo 64 and games. It is wild to see that thing again, and wonder if it still works. In the meantime, I did some cleaning—real cleaning—of the kitchen I had been putting off for so long. I took out multiple large trash bags worth of trash of various types, stuff that has been festering there for months, possibly even the better part of a year. It’s not clean yet, but it looks as good as it has in a while (and I mean it this time).

    I bought some gas before returning the rental car. They drove me to the body shop. The one corner of my car that had been damaged looked brand new. I didn’t imagine how grateful I would be to drive that car again. The way it handles, the traction, the sound system, the heated seats, it’s all nice. I feel gratitude for that car, and I missed it. I usually don’t consider that, and I had been angry at it for a while after a series repairs I had about a year ago (IIRC). It is really not a bad car to have, much better than a Hyundai at the very least.

    To wrap the day up, I drove to my chiropractor appointment, and drove back and ate. I really stretched out dinner and went to bed late, since I slept in, and I didn’t think I’d be able to get to bed promptly. Overall, I had an inexplicable positive feeling for most of the day. Very optimistic, very relaxed, grateful for life. It’s unusual to feel so good without a specific reason why.

    Getting ~5h10m sleep tonight
    . Fail. Zoned out for too long.

    Weekly goals: No, because of appointment.
    Mood: 6.25/10
    Libido: 4/10
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 17 (20210217)

    Woke up feeling pretty fried. Almost slept through my alarm again. “Long boring day.” I have decided that I need to have a “end time,” which, even if I snooze a few times, I will not be willing to snooze past. It just keeps creeping forward, which I need to end. I think 6:25 will be a good place to start. 6:25 HARD CUTOFF. I added an alarm with a different sound. Hopefully I will remember.

    I need to look up the exact date, but I think sometime in mid-February 2019 was when I started this job (as a temp). 2 years is the longest I’ve worked at any job. For the time, I have no pleans of moving on, although I wish I did.

    Today was filled with a lot of pessimism and irritation. The joy I felt yesterday wasn’t there. I had a mild, fluctuating headache all day long. On my way back home at the end of the day, my car temporarily got stuck in the snowy/muddy/slushy spot where the curb becomes a ramp into the alleyway. I had to switch between reverse and D multiple times before I managed to get it out. I cannot express how eager I am for this snow to melt.

    Getting only 6.5 hours of sleep tonight
    . Fail. (I really needed more…)

    Weekly goals: Fail.
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 18 (20210218)

    Woke up feeling very well-rested. I heard that new 6:25 alarm I set, and I got out of bed at that time, but grabbed my computer and wasted some time there, eliminated much of the saved time from not snoozing much. “Long boring day.” I was very energetic today. I felt much more optimistic than average, but not quite as much as Tuesday. It was a more manic, less controlled optimism. The day passed slowly, but it didn’t bother me as much as it usually does.

    Another chaotic afternoon. Went straight to the chiropractor, then got home fairly early, and had about 40 minutes to eat before hitting the road again. Got home around 20:40 again, and started procrastinating. I had that nagging feeling that there was something else I wanted to do before bed, and I could never think of it. I kept procrastinating, then, when it was just past time for bed, I realized I had forgotten to food prep for tomorrow. It ended up being a very late night (it is past 00:35 now). It is unusual to get such a bad night on a weekday. One thing that has come back to interest to me today is jaw surgery. I did some research on it (mostly stuff I used to know). I am more open to a jaw implant option than I used to be (the “unnatural” option). I am still a little torn on whether this is too inauthentic for me to be comfortable with, but I would benefit aesthetically from jaw implants, a lot. My mandibular angle is the main aesthetic flaw in my otherwise handsome face. It has gotten better over the years (mewing). (I noticed recently that my canthal tilt, which was distinctly negative a few years ago, has gone to slightly positive.) I guess we will see if this is a short-burst hobby or a serious consideration.

    Getting about 5 hours of sleep tonight
    . Fail. Terrible for a weekday night.

    Weekly goals: No, but I did get an adjustment.
    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 4/10
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 19 (20210219)

    Woke up from less than 6 hours of sleep, very tired. 6:25 alarm again—went back to bed with the computer for a few minutes, but getting better. Almost made it to work on time, but there was a train again (D’oh!). “Long boring day.” I wondered, as I’ve wondered before, if every good day or happy day needs a comedown. Happiness is not a drug but that is often how it feels to me, like every good thing has a hangover, and the following day(s) manage to be even worse. Mild headaches and stomachaches all day. I had some mof that low-dopamine communication inefficiency as well. Couldn’t tell if I was hungry, which is often a (strange) symptom I have of not getting enough sleep. Once again, I had a lot of trouble holding thoughts in my head, and I didn’t have much imagination. Similar to the past few days.

    There was so much snow in the parking lot of the gym after work that it had been pushed into walls that blocked off normal routes around the parking spaces. It was strange to see, like trenches on a battleground. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. I haven’t ever seen this much snow before, actually. It will probably all be gone by this weekend, as things heat up. I wonder how long it will take before I miss the winter weather. Honestly, I am still enjoying the cold. It’s just the snow that makes driving miserable.

    After the gym, I picked up some food (slow line), drove home and ate, stuffed myself a little more, and prepared for bed. I am going to bed around 21:35, and getting just under 7 hours of sleep before I go back into work at 5:30AM (FML). I have felt, especially recently, that work is just taking more and more from me.

    Weekly goals: Fail. So eager to get to bed that I didn’t have time.
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 1/10
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 20 (20210220)

    Woke up around 4:30. I wanted to stay in bed, but forced myself out in order not to fall back asleep, quickly putting on the white light lamp. “Long boring day.” Started work at 5:30 and worked until ~11:10. Despite being fairly well-rested, I wanted to be in bed, and I could feel that my head was not in the right place. Work went fairly fast, compared to normal.

    Grabbed some fast food on the way home, ate it, and laid in bed for hours, in a strange state of my circadian rhythms wanting more sleep, but my body still having a decent amount of physical energy. Well, that’s how I spent nearly the entire rest of the day. I didn’t nap, and I didn’t go out to do anything either. I didn’t get anything done other than making an electrical payment over the telephone. No fun of any type. Another Saturday completely wasted.

    I experienced a lot of MO cravings today. Interestingly, I did not really have the urge to look up P. I reached for my crotch repeatedly. It took a lot of willpower to stop.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.25/10
    Libido: 6.5/10
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 21 (20210221)

    Woke up past noon, and wasted some time before starting the “routine.” I chugged a large amount of caffeine in order to make my headache go away, and I felt overly energized for the rest of the day. I had to stop by Target for a replacement bowl (I dropped one yesterday and it shattered) before the grocery store. By the time I got home, it was very late (about 17:30). (This is just a continuation of the recent trend.) The day was miserable, and eating was hard, as it always is on Sundays.

    I MO’d today
    . I think a lot of sitting around, pacing, not leaving the apartment much contributed. I think the schedule shift of waking up/going in especially early on Saturday morning, and then having a particularly long day as a result, also contributed. I need to be particularly careful not to let bad habits take over this week and lead me into PMO.

    Today felt like a lot of nothing—like most Sundays, but even worse. I realized after I got home that I forgot to buy yogurt. I ended up going to the nearest grocery store very late (past midnight), and was surprised that the store was closed. The branch location where I used to live never closed except on a few holidays. Overall, the day both felt like it was flying by and moving at a crawl.

    Tonight, I’m getting about one hour of sleep
    . Fail. Terrible fail. I really don’t know how I could turn this (Sunday routine) around.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Figure out that issue about unpaid tolls for the rental car. Pay whatever is owed.
    2) Avoid surfing the web. Try to stop that habit creep that has been happening over the last few weeks.
    3) Do chiropractor exercises, and use the ice pack as instructed before bed. I forget that last part in particular.
    Mood: 1/10
    Libido: 3.75/10
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 22 (20210222)

    Woke up from less than 1 hour of sleep, feeling B L A S T E D. Worse than normal. I left early for work, and, due to an unscheduled train and getting surrounded by trucks—figures. “Long boring day.” I think dehydration was partially responsible for feeling bad for much of the day, but before lunch, I had a lot of fluids and was still struggling to stay awake. It was one of those days where I had trouble keeping thoughts in my head, had little imagination, and had few substantial thoughts as a result. None, that I can remember. I’ve had many days like that recently.

    Gym session was mixed. Regressed on OHP work sets, again. Everything else was decent. Getting around 6.5 hours of sleep tonight, when I really, really need 7+. Fail. It never ends. Why do I even type this? Why document all of these failures when they’re always the same? Why am I spending my time just documenting failures, over and over again?

    Weekly goals: 1) didn’t do this 2) total failure 3) did use the ice pack
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 23 (20210223)

    I managed to actually get to work on time (read: early enough for time clock to round to 7:00 instead of 7:15) today. “Long boring day.” I was more optimistic today than yesterday, sort of like I felt a few times last week. I felt energetic and well-rested, despite only getting around 6.5 hours of sleep. For the second day in a row, I chewed hard Falim gum for 30m. This used to be a habit for me sometime around 2015-2016 at my old job, and I did it for orthodontic benefits (mewing, bone density, etc.). I’m less convinced of the benefits now, but I still kind of enjoy it. It can’t hurt, at least.

    After work, I came home, drank a shake, then went to the chiropractor. He said I was “adjusting well,” whatever that means (sounds like a good thing). When I finished that (18:00), I came home (18:25-18:30) and did a red load of laundry (almost out of underwear). After that, I prepped some food (meat and rice) for the next few days. After that, I ate, and ate, and ate, which took me well past my intended bedtime. This new schedule is absolutely kicking my ass. I haven’t gotten a single night of 7+ hours of sleep since I started. I will be getting around 6h5m sleep tonight, which is even worse than the “new normal” that I have been doing over the past few months. I don’t know how to cope or what to do, so I am just going to bed for now.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) better than yesterday, bad overall 3) did the ice pack, not the exercises (no time)
    Mood: 3.75/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 24 (20210224)

    Got to work on time again today; this 6:25 final alarm thing was a good idea/habit to incorporate. I just need to get distracted less before leaving, and I’ll be good. I have been speeding to get to work on time, and it is not safe. “Long boring day.” Today was a very tedious day. I was a little more optimistic than usual, so it didn’t bother me as much as it sometimes does. Despite my optimism, I lacked a passion for most things.

    No work Saturday
    , for the first time in who-knows-how-long. On my way to the gym after work, I called the car dealership, because I will need my oil changed soon enough, and I don’t know when the next opportunity I have will be. Isn’t that sick—the first opportunity I have for a free weekend, and I need to immediately schedule chores? Depressing to think about.

    Getting about 6h40m sleep tonight
    . Fail. (I could have done a little better.)

    Weekly goals: 1) still not yet 2) by necessity 3) ice
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 3/10
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 25 (20210225)

    I woke up feeling well-rested. Got to work on time for the third day in a row! “Long boring day.” I got an email from the big boss that plans had changed, and we do in fact have Saturday work. This is very frustrating to read. I told my supervisor about my appointment, and that I will have to leave early, which I don’t think will be a problem for her. Still, I am very disappointed that I will not be getting that rare opportunity to sleep in on a Saturday morning, which is something I once took for granted.

    At my chiropractor appointment after work, I had a reexamination. I don’t know what the “results” will yield, if any changes. One concrete change I saw was when I was weighed (one food on each scale), the weight discrepancy from side to side went down from 9 pounds to 3 pounds. That is a concrete improvement. I got irritated when the assistant guy said that I my torso leaned to one side: Isn’t that what you people are supposed to fix, asshole? Maybe I’ll find out the results next week (boss of the center wasn’t present).

    Getting home, I had a lot of eating, food prep, and cleanup to do, and my brain just felt melted, as it seems to always do on Thursday evenings. I zoned out and wasted time. I hate to say this but tonight is going to be another night of [slightly] less than 6 hours of sleep. Fail.

    Weekly goals: 1) fail 2) decent 3) fail. Complete failure so far
    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 4.25/10

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