It never ends until we end it

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Ereignis, Jan 21, 2021.

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  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 16 (20210216)

    Woke up at the regular time, got ready for work, but when I went out to actually left, the car wouldn’t budge. (It was hard even getting into the car without a wall of snow collapsing into the door.) I texted my supervisor that I couldn’t come in today, and went back to bed. I napped until close to noon, and felt very refreshed when I woke up. At this stage of my recovery, I am highly charged with sexual thoughts, especially in bed. I keep reaching down to my crotch as if to masturbate, before stopping myself. Despite that, I feel like I am recovering well.

    When I woke up, I ate my packed lunch, roughly at the normal time (12:30-13:00). I called the body shop, who said the car would be ready at around 15:00. Around this time, I received a package from the parents: My old Nintendo 64 and games. It is wild to see that thing again, and wonder if it still works. In the meantime, I did some cleaning—real cleaning—of the kitchen I had been putting off for so long. I took out multiple large trash bags worth of trash of various types, stuff that has been festering there for months, possibly even the better part of a year. It’s not clean yet, but it looks as good as it has in a while (and I mean it this time).

    I bought some gas before returning the rental car. They drove me to the body shop. The one corner of my car that had been damaged looked brand new. I didn’t imagine how grateful I would be to drive that car again. The way it handles, the traction, the sound system, the heated seats, it’s all nice. I feel gratitude for that car, and I missed it. I usually don’t consider that, and I had been angry at it for a while after a series repairs I had about a year ago (IIRC). It is really not a bad car to have, much better than a Hyundai at the very least.

    To wrap the day up, I drove to my chiropractor appointment, and drove back and ate. I really stretched out dinner and went to bed late, since I slept in, and I didn’t think I’d be able to get to bed promptly. Overall, I had an inexplicable positive feeling for most of the day. Very optimistic, very relaxed, grateful for life. It’s unusual to feel so good without a specific reason why.

    Getting ~5h10m sleep tonight
    . Fail. Zoned out for too long.

    Weekly goals: No, because of appointment.
    Mood: 6.25/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 17 (20210217)

    Woke up feeling pretty fried. Almost slept through my alarm again. “Long boring day.” I have decided that I need to have a “end time,” which, even if I snooze a few times, I will not be willing to snooze past. It just keeps creeping forward, which I need to end. I think 6:25 will be a good place to start. 6:25 HARD CUTOFF. I added an alarm with a different sound. Hopefully I will remember.

    I need to look up the exact date, but I think sometime in mid-February 2019 was when I started this job (as a temp). 2 years is the longest I’ve worked at any job. For the time, I have no pleans of moving on, although I wish I did.

    Today was filled with a lot of pessimism and irritation. The joy I felt yesterday wasn’t there. I had a mild, fluctuating headache all day long. On my way back home at the end of the day, my car temporarily got stuck in the snowy/muddy/slushy spot where the curb becomes a ramp into the alleyway. I had to switch between reverse and D multiple times before I managed to get it out. I cannot express how eager I am for this snow to melt.

    Getting only 6.5 hours of sleep tonight
    . Fail. (I really needed more…)

    Weekly goals: Fail.
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
     
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 18 (20210218)

    Woke up feeling very well-rested. I heard that new 6:25 alarm I set, and I got out of bed at that time, but grabbed my computer and wasted some time there, eliminated much of the saved time from not snoozing much. “Long boring day.” I was very energetic today. I felt much more optimistic than average, but not quite as much as Tuesday. It was a more manic, less controlled optimism. The day passed slowly, but it didn’t bother me as much as it usually does.

    Another chaotic afternoon. Went straight to the chiropractor, then got home fairly early, and had about 40 minutes to eat before hitting the road again. Got home around 20:40 again, and started procrastinating. I had that nagging feeling that there was something else I wanted to do before bed, and I could never think of it. I kept procrastinating, then, when it was just past time for bed, I realized I had forgotten to food prep for tomorrow. It ended up being a very late night (it is past 00:35 now). It is unusual to get such a bad night on a weekday. One thing that has come back to interest to me today is jaw surgery. I did some research on it (mostly stuff I used to know). I am more open to a jaw implant option than I used to be (the “unnatural” option). I am still a little torn on whether this is too inauthentic for me to be comfortable with, but I would benefit aesthetically from jaw implants, a lot. My mandibular angle is the main aesthetic flaw in my otherwise handsome face. It has gotten better over the years (mewing). (I noticed recently that my canthal tilt, which was distinctly negative a few years ago, has gone to slightly positive.) I guess we will see if this is a short-burst hobby or a serious consideration.

    Getting about 5 hours of sleep tonight
    . Fail. Terrible for a weekday night.

    Weekly goals: No, but I did get an adjustment.
    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 19 (20210219)

    Woke up from less than 6 hours of sleep, very tired. 6:25 alarm again—went back to bed with the computer for a few minutes, but getting better. Almost made it to work on time, but there was a train again (D’oh!). “Long boring day.” I wondered, as I’ve wondered before, if every good day or happy day needs a comedown. Happiness is not a drug but that is often how it feels to me, like every good thing has a hangover, and the following day(s) manage to be even worse. Mild headaches and stomachaches all day. I had some mof that low-dopamine communication inefficiency as well. Couldn’t tell if I was hungry, which is often a (strange) symptom I have of not getting enough sleep. Once again, I had a lot of trouble holding thoughts in my head, and I didn’t have much imagination. Similar to the past few days.

    There was so much snow in the parking lot of the gym after work that it had been pushed into walls that blocked off normal routes around the parking spaces. It was strange to see, like trenches on a battleground. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. I haven’t ever seen this much snow before, actually. It will probably all be gone by this weekend, as things heat up. I wonder how long it will take before I miss the winter weather. Honestly, I am still enjoying the cold. It’s just the snow that makes driving miserable.

    After the gym, I picked up some food (slow line), drove home and ate, stuffed myself a little more, and prepared for bed. I am going to bed around 21:35, and getting just under 7 hours of sleep before I go back into work at 5:30AM (FML). I have felt, especially recently, that work is just taking more and more from me.

    Weekly goals: Fail. So eager to get to bed that I didn’t have time.
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 1/10
     
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 20 (20210220)

    Woke up around 4:30. I wanted to stay in bed, but forced myself out in order not to fall back asleep, quickly putting on the white light lamp. “Long boring day.” Started work at 5:30 and worked until ~11:10. Despite being fairly well-rested, I wanted to be in bed, and I could feel that my head was not in the right place. Work went fairly fast, compared to normal.

    Grabbed some fast food on the way home, ate it, and laid in bed for hours, in a strange state of my circadian rhythms wanting more sleep, but my body still having a decent amount of physical energy. Well, that’s how I spent nearly the entire rest of the day. I didn’t nap, and I didn’t go out to do anything either. I didn’t get anything done other than making an electrical payment over the telephone. No fun of any type. Another Saturday completely wasted.

    I experienced a lot of MO cravings today. Interestingly, I did not really have the urge to look up P. I reached for my crotch repeatedly. It took a lot of willpower to stop.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.25/10
    Libido: 6.5/10
     
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 21 (20210221)

    Woke up past noon, and wasted some time before starting the “routine.” I chugged a large amount of caffeine in order to make my headache go away, and I felt overly energized for the rest of the day. I had to stop by Target for a replacement bowl (I dropped one yesterday and it shattered) before the grocery store. By the time I got home, it was very late (about 17:30). (This is just a continuation of the recent trend.) The day was miserable, and eating was hard, as it always is on Sundays.

    I MO’d today
    . I think a lot of sitting around, pacing, not leaving the apartment much contributed. I think the schedule shift of waking up/going in especially early on Saturday morning, and then having a particularly long day as a result, also contributed. I need to be particularly careful not to let bad habits take over this week and lead me into PMO.

    Today felt like a lot of nothing—like most Sundays, but even worse. I realized after I got home that I forgot to buy yogurt. I ended up going to the nearest grocery store very late (past midnight), and was surprised that the store was closed. The branch location where I used to live never closed except on a few holidays. Overall, the day both felt like it was flying by and moving at a crawl.

    Tonight, I’m getting about one hour of sleep
    . Fail. Terrible fail. I really don’t know how I could turn this (Sunday routine) around.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Figure out that issue about unpaid tolls for the rental car. Pay whatever is owed.
    2) Avoid surfing the web. Try to stop that habit creep that has been happening over the last few weeks.
    3) Do chiropractor exercises, and use the ice pack as instructed before bed. I forget that last part in particular.
    Mood: 1/10
    Libido: 3.75/10
     
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 22 (20210222)

    Woke up from less than 1 hour of sleep, feeling B L A S T E D. Worse than normal. I left early for work, and, due to an unscheduled train and getting surrounded by trucks—figures. “Long boring day.” I think dehydration was partially responsible for feeling bad for much of the day, but before lunch, I had a lot of fluids and was still struggling to stay awake. It was one of those days where I had trouble keeping thoughts in my head, had little imagination, and had few substantial thoughts as a result. None, that I can remember. I’ve had many days like that recently.

    Gym session was mixed. Regressed on OHP work sets, again. Everything else was decent. Getting around 6.5 hours of sleep tonight, when I really, really need 7+. Fail. It never ends. Why do I even type this? Why document all of these failures when they’re always the same? Why am I spending my time just documenting failures, over and over again?

    Weekly goals: 1) didn’t do this 2) total failure 3) did use the ice pack
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 23 (20210223)

    I managed to actually get to work on time (read: early enough for time clock to round to 7:00 instead of 7:15) today. “Long boring day.” I was more optimistic today than yesterday, sort of like I felt a few times last week. I felt energetic and well-rested, despite only getting around 6.5 hours of sleep. For the second day in a row, I chewed hard Falim gum for 30m. This used to be a habit for me sometime around 2015-2016 at my old job, and I did it for orthodontic benefits (mewing, bone density, etc.). I’m less convinced of the benefits now, but I still kind of enjoy it. It can’t hurt, at least.

    After work, I came home, drank a shake, then went to the chiropractor. He said I was “adjusting well,” whatever that means (sounds like a good thing). When I finished that (18:00), I came home (18:25-18:30) and did a red load of laundry (almost out of underwear). After that, I prepped some food (meat and rice) for the next few days. After that, I ate, and ate, and ate, which took me well past my intended bedtime. This new schedule is absolutely kicking my ass. I haven’t gotten a single night of 7+ hours of sleep since I started. I will be getting around 6h5m sleep tonight, which is even worse than the “new normal” that I have been doing over the past few months. I don’t know how to cope or what to do, so I am just going to bed for now.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) better than yesterday, bad overall 3) did the ice pack, not the exercises (no time)
    Mood: 3.75/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
     
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 24 (20210224)

    Got to work on time again today; this 6:25 final alarm thing was a good idea/habit to incorporate. I just need to get distracted less before leaving, and I’ll be good. I have been speeding to get to work on time, and it is not safe. “Long boring day.” Today was a very tedious day. I was a little more optimistic than usual, so it didn’t bother me as much as it sometimes does. Despite my optimism, I lacked a passion for most things.

    No work Saturday
    , for the first time in who-knows-how-long. On my way to the gym after work, I called the car dealership, because I will need my oil changed soon enough, and I don’t know when the next opportunity I have will be. Isn’t that sick—the first opportunity I have for a free weekend, and I need to immediately schedule chores? Depressing to think about.

    Getting about 6h40m sleep tonight
    . Fail. (I could have done a little better.)

    Weekly goals: 1) still not yet 2) by necessity 3) ice
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 25 (20210225)

    I woke up feeling well-rested. Got to work on time for the third day in a row! “Long boring day.” I got an email from the big boss that plans had changed, and we do in fact have Saturday work. This is very frustrating to read. I told my supervisor about my appointment, and that I will have to leave early, which I don’t think will be a problem for her. Still, I am very disappointed that I will not be getting that rare opportunity to sleep in on a Saturday morning, which is something I once took for granted.

    At my chiropractor appointment after work, I had a reexamination. I don’t know what the “results” will yield, if any changes. One concrete change I saw was when I was weighed (one food on each scale), the weight discrepancy from side to side went down from 9 pounds to 3 pounds. That is a concrete improvement. I got irritated when the assistant guy said that I my torso leaned to one side: Isn’t that what you people are supposed to fix, asshole? Maybe I’ll find out the results next week (boss of the center wasn’t present).

    Getting home, I had a lot of eating, food prep, and cleanup to do, and my brain just felt melted, as it seems to always do on Thursday evenings. I zoned out and wasted time. I hate to say this but tonight is going to be another night of [slightly] less than 6 hours of sleep. Fail.

    Weekly goals: 1) fail 2) decent 3) fail. Complete failure so far
    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 4.25/10
     
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 26 (20210226)

    Woke up from about 5.5 hours of sleep last night. Felt blasted all day long. “Long boring day.” Felt functional, but fairly negative for most of the day, and was on the verge of a headache for much of it.

    I’ve been thinking about my spare time today. In early 2019, I commented a number of times that that time was decreasing in my day, relative to the previous year or two. I think it just slipped my mind after that. (I want more spare time, of course, but don’t make the direct comparison.) Lately, it’s been getting even worse, with the Saturday work, and coming in early on Saturday, staying later…At least, I think so. That’s how it seems to me. I need to start thinking more about alternate incomes, especially investments.

    Caffeine consumption over the week has been above average: A full can of Reign Energy, plus a small bottle of green tea. That’s 60mg+ per day. I haven’t really felt it that much, but I should slowly taper off (although isn’t that what I always say?).

    I notice that I haven’t been reading the news at all for the past week or two. Even though I was never an obsessive news reader, I think this has had a surprisingly strong positive effect on me. I feel more optimistic, a little more present, and like my thoughts are not being filled up thoughts that are at best negative and at worst demoralizing. I should really keep this up, but we all know what happens to my short-term positive habits…

    Supervisor sent me an email saying I wasn’t really needed tomorrow, so I’m taking the day off, sleeping in a bit. I was so exhausted after the gym (very weak session, BTW) that I went home and zoned out for hours, wanting to go to bed “early” but not having the will. I’m miserable

    Weekly goals: 1) nothing yet 2) a little 3) no
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido:4.5/10
     
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (20210227)

    Woke up in the late morning. Ate a bit, then rushed out to the car dealership to get my oil change and inspection. Today was the first day of the year where my car was hot, rather than cold, when I got into it in the morning. Once I was at the dealership, I wanted to walk out to Chick-Fil-A while they were working, but it was apparently still drive thru-only, so I walked back to the lobby and surfed the web on my phone until my car was ready. My car is doing great, so the total costs were less than $59, which is a welcome surprise, given all the expenses I’ve had recently.

    [PRIVATE INFORMATION OMITTED]


    I replaced my razor this evening, I want to make a note of it here, because I can never remember when I do, and how long the razors last as a result. I also cleared the drain, cleaned off the shower walls (first time in I don’t know how long—too long), and copied down most of the receipts I had laying around the kitchen before clearing them out. My kitchen has taken another significant (not quite as big) step towards being liveable.

    In the evening, I procrastinated until it was too late to do anything, then went to bed way too late and slept for about 4 hours. I’m not really sure why today went so poorly. Lack of discipline? Lack of goals (I did in fact have a number of goals, but they were all minor things)?

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 4.5/10
     
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20210228)

    I set the alarm for only a few hours of sleep (4.5ish), hoping that I would be tired enough to want to go to bed earlier (anyone want to guess how that went?). I left for the grocery store around 13:45, after minimal procrastination, and got home around 15:25 (I never realized it took that long, to be honest), which is two hours earlier than last week, a significant improvement. I wanted to capitalize on this in order to change my schedule up, and, for much of the day, I was really feeling more alert than usual. It looked very likely that I would accomplish a 22:00-24:00 bedtime, which would be a big improvement on what I usually do.

    I had picked up a handheld mirror yesterday, and between the two mirrors (this one and the bathroom mirror), I can see my facial profile well for the first time in [possibly] years. It has improved a bit (mewing?), especially in the gonial angle (not quite as high) but it still looks pretty bad, especially in the chin. I really would like the genioplasty procedure. It’s not something I have thought about much since 2016 or so, but I think it would help me out a lot.

    I downloaded a few podcasts on investing. They’re fairly lengthy, and I hope to be able to listen to them at work. I need to spend more of my time on this topic.

    Tonight, I experienced what I usually do. After wrapping everything up, I sat down to write my daily journal entry, and found myself going down a rabbithole of research on something on the internet. It’s something I really could learn about later. My willpower and discipline is just so week at this point during the week. I need to keep this in mind, and maybe prepare for bed at a different time of the day.

    Getting about 3 hours of sleep tonight
    . Fail, but pretty typical for a Sunday night/Monday morning at this point.

    Weekly goals: Not sure yet, TBA. Something about studying investment, maybe reading time, would be good.
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20210301)

    Woke up from a little less than 3 hours of sleep, feeling B L A S T E D. I weighed myself before leaving, and I’ve finally overcome my 166-pound plateau. I’m 167.8 lbs. It took a lot of effort but I finally got here. “Long boring day.” An unnamed feeling I often experience is a mix of being wired, depressed, blasted, and completed without optimism (but fairly present, uusually). The energy and contrasts with what is otherwise associated with depression. I experienced that mood today after having some caffeine in the morning (a small amount, as I recalled). I spent a lot of time in the office today, and was a little paranoid wondering if anyone would notice. Throughout the building, the series of digital clocks they’ve been installing finally went online today. That is the only noteworthy thing that happened.

    Something I was thinking about today is that I have the opposite problem that a lot of people have: While others tend to be worldly and present-focused, I have trouble thinking about the here and now for any extended period of time. I always get distracted by something else. Would it be helpful to find some kind of routine or habit to ground me more? I don’t know what I should do, but it sounds like a good idea.

    I seemed to have chugged a lot of caffeine last thing before I left work. I didn’t mean to, it was just unconscious (a tea bottle was on my desk). Or maybe I didn’t, and it was already almost empty (I didn’t feel much of a buzz after that). At any rate, on my way to the gym. I realized I had forgotten to grab my gym bag to put in the car in the morning, as I do on each Monday morning. Believe it or not, that’s the first time that has happened. So I had to drop by home (mercifully on the way) before going to the gym. I was quite strong today. Blasted through my squat sets and decided to go for a higher number on bench than my normal work sets. I did 205 lbs, and the bar moved very fast and easy. I could have done 210, or maybe even 215, but this is the first time I’ve pressed over 200 lbs, so I’m happy.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Learn something about investment every day (I started this today).
    2) Do not do anything on the computer while eating dinner. Try to turn off computer early.
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20210302)

    Woke up feeling decently energized physically, but down in the dumps. “Long boring day.” I was really depressed for the first part of the day, and I don’t think it was just low caffeine. A lot of images that had been locked away in my mind from earlier parts of my mind were coming back for the first time in a long time, and I remembered that I have been lonely for a long time (it is not a new phenomenon for me at all). I felt like I have been a loser (I mean that in the precise way: That I have been failing at everything) for as long as I can remember now. A “100% loser,” that was the phrase that rattled around in my mind. I really want friends again, but feel I’m too emotionally stunted to relate to anyone in my age group.

    Something that was unusual was that I had a lot of songs stuck in my head, one after the other. They seemed to occur to me somewhat randomly, and a few of them were quite sentimental/from way back. One was from the group Say Anything, and it is really not the kind of music I usually listen to, but it did remind me quite vividly of being 15-18, and romantic. Shit, those are bad memories. They’re so persistent, though. I also thought about the first girl I had any sex act with, and how she treated me better than just about anyone else, and I wish I had spent more time with her. She’s one of the few people who tried to keep contact for years after school. That’s gone now, though. Just about everyone is gone.

    After the chiropractor appointment, I prepped a lot of food (meat and rice) and ate dinner. Just those two things took remarkably long, so I will not be going to bed at the time I wanted to (7+ hours of sleep). Getting about 6h35m sleep tonight. Fail.

    Near the end of the work day, I felt that spark in my lower abdomen. Energy, motivation. I want to focus on two things, going forward: Studying investments, and music. I should keep my expectation in check with the investments, though, because I tend to take things too far in my mind.

    Weekly goals: 1) success 2) failure
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20210303)

    Had trouble falling asleep last night, which is unusual these days. I kept thinking about D.H.’s mother; she helped me out a lot when I was a teenager, and gave me hope when I was depressed (she was one of the only people who noticed, I think), even though I was sometimes a toxic person [yes, this is a part of my resurfacing memories, but I don’t think that makes it meaningless]. I thought about sending her a letter to say thanks, but it looks like their old house was put up for sale and resold in 2018. Gone forever, it seems.

    As I laid in bed, I kept saying “___,___ / ___,___ / ___,___...” in order to remember the two dreams long enough to write them down, but I forgot about the second one anyway. I don’t think either was particularly meaningful.

    “Long boring day.” As I got to work, the operative word for my work was rattling around in my head: Again. Every day is an “again,” full of other “agains,” and even the unusual parts are “agains” of their own type. I asked myself if I was in purgatory once again for the first time in a while.

    Leaving work, the car was hot for the second time this year. It took me about 39 minutes to get from work to the gym, which is one of the longest times I’ve experienced (I think). Really weak on OHP, again. I’ve been doing work sets with the same weight this whole calendar year. I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong. At home, dinner took a while, even with less distractions than usual.

    Something I’m thinking about doing is writing down my memories of childhood depression in as much detail as I can still remember
    . Just for myself. If I ever want to remember those memories, earlier would be better than later for recollection (although the ideal time would be much earlier than this).

    Getting about 6h20m sleep
    , again. Am I even alive? It never ends.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20210304)

    “Long boring day.” Today was a pretty boring day. While most mornings are still chilly, I’ve noticed the building at work warming up (it is an old building, so heating can be a little spotty). I’ve noticed a kind of reverse seasonal affective disorder in myself: A brief surge of childhood memories and feelings whenever the weather starts to heat up. I grew up in hot places, so it makes sense. This is usually pretty brief. Summers are depressing times for me. Thankfully, it was announced late that we will have no work on Saturday.

    [OMITTED PERSONAL INFORMATION]


    In similar news, I texted SH from high school. Partially because of nostalgia, partially because I jusut like checking in on people who’ve had a big role in my life. Apparently we haven’t talked in over a year and a half (makes sense—I talked to her when I was deleting my Facebook page permanently, which was around August 2019). She recognized my number, and instead of having an excited response, her first thing was to ask me what she should call me, since I don’t go by the name I went by in high school (and before) anymore. Apparently she moved back to [our home state] a year and a half ago. (Has it been that long? I asked myself.) She sounded sad and reserved, which matched the stressed-out position she was in the last time I talked to her. I hope to talk more tomorrow.

    Getting 6h10m sleep
    . Fail.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) N/A
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20210305)

    Had a weird dream last night, probably meaningless. See journal. As I woke up to my first alarm, I thought it was my last alarm for some reason, and leapt out of bed to turn the lights on. I felt groggy for hours as a result. “Long boring day.” My thoughts contained a lot of the the same kinds of things as the last few days, but I was less hoplessly depressed, and I started gaining a bit of determination. It feels like the emptiness is filling—or, at least, that I have become familiar with what that emptiness is, and how I can fill it. I had a few moments of thinking about random little things and getting really emotional. My supervisor gave me an anniversary gift (an insulated cup—this seems to be the default corporate gift, and I already have a handful), from my “official” hire date, about 7 months late.

    Free weekend. I felt more hyped for the weekend than any time in recent memory. It’s like I have something big planned, but there’s nothing specific, it’s just a free weekend. I guess I’m just being more emotional (dopamine healing).

    I noticed something this evening after I got home is an immediate response I got to going on the computer and clicking around. I was in this state of being really connected to my emotions and goals, being emotionally coherent—this is a state that happens when I am spending minimal time on the internet and healing well in terms of my PMO-linked habits. Then, after about 15 minutes of surfing the web (aggressively surfing, looking at a lot of different things, visual stimulation, social media lurking, news) all that emotional connection went away. It hasn’t come back tonight. This is huge. Avoiding surfing is key to my recovery, non-negotiable.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 3/10
     

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