It never ends until we end it

Day 3 (20210127)

Felt bad after less than 6 hours of sleep—thankfully, that is no longer a common event in my life. Got to work just too late—I was pulling into the parking lot at 7:07, and it would take another minute at least to reach the time clock, and 7:08 would register as 7:15. “Long boring day.” I was aggressively bored today. Not a lot to talk about.

Getting about 6h45m sleep tonight. Fail.

Weekly goals: 1) Just barely failed this one—but only reading a tab I had already opened up and had been meaning to read for a while. I surfed a whole lot less than usual, and felt better for it. 2) no
Mood: 3/10
Libido: 3.25/10

 

Day 4 (20210128)

Pulling into the parking lot early enough, but I held the door for someone, and rechecked my parking position (still paranoid about getting this rental car dinged), and I clocked in again at 7:08, just a minute too late to be on time. Instead of going to the office, I stopped in the back supply room, standing in front of a heater where I would be hard to see and just letting minutes pass before going into the office, just as my coworker was leaving. This way, I wouldn’t have to hear him chatter my head off while I was still waking up. I think it’s something I will do again. “Long boring day.” It was an easy day, and honestly less unpleasant than most. I was a little more productive. I noticed that the first month of the year is almost over; I thought of that as a sort of cutoff for catching up on 2020 work, which I haven’t done. I should work harder.

Forgot to prepare rice until the last minute (again). Add cleanup to that and it is a major delay for sleep. Getting only 6.5 hours of sleep tonight. Fail.

Weekly goals: 1) fail, but I still made an effort. I probably got distracted by my phone for no more than ~10 minutes for the entire day. Still a clear improvement over what I’m used to. 2) No. Hopefully I will have time this weekend for research.
Mood: 3.75/10
Libido: 2.75/10

 

Day 5 (20210129)

“Long boring day.” Ever since I started avoiding web surfing this week, I’ve been getting so tired of playing Solitaire on my iPod Classic. I should really be doing something productive, by my mind resists, especially when I am sleepy in the morning (I still avoid caffeine before 9:00).

Something I’ve noticed many times over my adult life, and even a few times when I was a teenager (IIRC), is that looking at toys makes me really depressed. If it’s a more “traditional” cute toy like a teddy bear, it’s a sad kind of depression, and if it is a more “industrialized” toy (like something from a film franchise or something like that), it’s a kind of alienated, demoralized depression. I am sure this has something to do with my childhood (duh) but I don’t know what specifically.

Still haven’t received a call from the car place regarding when my car will be available again. It’s been a week this past Wednesday. Might call them tomorrow to ask.

I read that we might get a lot of snow this weekend, starting around when I get out of work. I plan to go home, possibly dropping by the grocery store first, and be ready to be boxed in. I might be able to finish Doom Eternal this weekend. I should do some reading, too, and possibly also the activity that shall not be named.

Getting roughly 6h45m of sleep again. Fail. I can’t remember the last time I got 7+ hours on a weeknight. I have regressed in that habit.

Weekly goals: 1) Slipped on this one, again. But once again, it was very brief, and a big improvement over last week. 2) Not yet
Mood: 3.5/10
Libido: 2/10

 

Day 6 (20210130)

I woke up once or twice last night, and generally did not have as good of a night of sleep as I uusually do. I think part of it was just the fact that I cut down my normal (4-minute) pre-bed meditation down

Woke up very reluctant to get out of bed. Saturday work: “Long boring day.” Today was a day where everything I did just felt drawn out and irritating. I didn’t end up doing much, and there were times when I was in the office and it felt like the day was flying by. Everything was irritating. I had my personal mobile phone, and I repeatedly looked up some things that always lead to relapse, before closing them.

At about 13:50, I started to get a more continual arousal, accompanied by a deep, almost enough to make me spaz out. I thought of something very useful: When I am tempted to act on some kind of sexual urge, I need to ask myself whether that “spark” I feel in my lower abdomen during “natural” sexuxality is present. It wasn’t present, indicating an unnatural/addictive kind of arousal. That kept me behaved for a few hours.

It almost wasn’t enough, though. I came close to relapsing while snowed in at home this afternoon. There is a certain point of no return when it comes to seeking out arousing material, and I am worried that I passed that today. I think what I was feeling today was similar to the first few weeks of my longest streak in 2019. I was healing, and I need to be careful not to ruin it.

Weekly goals: N/A
Mood: 1.25/10
Libido: 5.5/10

 

Day 0 (20210131)

Woke up today, feeling pretty trashed. I procrastinated for a while before deciding to leave for the grocery store. All of the events I mentioned in regards to my urges culminated in PMO relapse. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. This added a kind of fatigue and negativity to the things I did for the rest of the day.

I underestimated the snow: Before moving here, I had only experienced heavy snow at home once, as a kid, and school had been closed for about a week as a result. When I went out, I just looked at the snow for a minute, the sheer volume of snow surrounding my (rented) car, and throughout the alley. I was lucky that there was a snow shovel (I guess it was the landlord’s) in the landing of the building. I went outside with it and started shoveling. After I got warmed up, I eventually started feeling hot, and had to take off my hat from underneath my hood. I was out there for about an hour, as the moisture slowly soaked into my down jacket, gloves, shoes, and pants. Eventually, when I though I had enough space behind my car and connecting to the street to drive out, I started it up, and put it in reverse, and…it just wouldn’t move more than a few inches. I got out and started shoveling around the wheels before I realized something I should have thought of earlier: Even if I shoveled enough snow to exit, since I park in a 1-way alley, I’d need both sides cleared out in order to return to my parking place. I gave up and went back inside.

I have enough food to survive for a few days, but not with a particularly healthy variety. I ordered some pizza from the place down the road (about 2 blocks away), which took about 80 minutes to arrive under the weather conditions. It was the first time I had ever ate their food, and was shocked that my pizza and two appetizers costed nearly $60. On top of that, the pizza wasn’t even good. What a waste. I finished Doom Eternal tonight. It was a lot of fun, and probably on my top 10 games of all time. Still, the amount of time I’ve put into it over the past two months has distracted me from other things. I wish to put gaming away for at least a month or so. I am grateful that videogames could make me appreciate my time.

I tried to register my car today. Today was the re-registration due date, as emails have been warning me for weeks. They required me to enter an identification number written on my existing registration number. But my car is still in the rental shop. I guess I will have to just call them and ask for some kind of extension tomorrow.

I texted my supervisor letting her know that I will not be able to get to work tomorrow. I honestly don’t know about work on Tuesday, either, or my appointment on Tuesday evening.

Weekly goals:
TBA. I need some, though. Probably Tuesday/Sunday internet abstinence, among other things.
Mood: 1.5/10
Libido: 4/10

 

Day 1 (20210201)

Woke up past noon. Since I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get to work this morning, I let myself sleep in. Apparently the temperature peaked over freezing today, so a lot of the snow had already melted. After a leisurely lunch, I decided to set out to the grocery store for the visit I could do yesterday. I put the car in reverse, and…still wouldn’t budge. I think this rental car is just terrible at driving in the snow, to be honest. I did some more shoveling around the wheels, and left.

I remember how much joy I used to experience when I was a kid and it snowed. I’d turn on the local news channel, and look at the scrolling list of closed schools, feeling a surge of excitement and joy when I saw my school named. I hate it how work, and the daily commute, have made me wary of snow, and the damage I could experience from an accident. There are so many ways that work just sucks all of the joy out of life. I hate it so much it is beyond words.

After I got home from the grocery store, it was already dinner time, and I acted accordingly. I decided it was too late to visit the gym today. I did a load of laundry. It was a short day, the same was as most Sundays are. It’s not that I necessarily get to bed at a reasonable time, but after 21:00 or so, I start to feel like I should be going to bed, so I don’t get much done out of the ordinary.

I’m having cold feet about my chiropractor appointment tomorrow. One one hand, it’s a big commitment for a lot of money ($3,200). On the other hand, that first adjustment went great, and I was feeling better for about 6 days. The online business reviews are mostly very positive, so that’s a good thing. It just feel like there was a very salesman-esque push to get me into this plan. Oh well.

Getting about 4.5 hours of sleep tonight. Fail (but a predictable one).

Weekly goals:
1) Handle all upcoming appointments and stuff, still going to bed at a reasonable hour each night. Get as many 7+ hour nights as possible.
2) Do not surf the web Tuesday or Sunday. Avoid it on other days, ideally.
Mood: 3/10
Libido: 3.25/10

 

Day 2 (20210202)

Back to work. “Long boring day.” Felt kind of fried from the lack of sleep at first, but managed to recover, eventually. I wasted a lot of time today, and it still felt like an excruciatingly long day. I am not sure how much caffeine I had today; it seemed like a lot, but I also got withdrawal symptoms (tired, slurred speech). At 11:00 I had a surge of anger; it focused on some family dynamics, especially the manipulative ways my sister sometimes argues. This subject kind of came out of nowhere, so I guess it’s just the manifestation of some biological state. After work I came straight home, checked emails, chugged a smoothie, and left for the chiropractor (17:00 appointment).

[FORGOT TO MENTION: At some point, I called the body shop. They left a message saying they expected it to be multiple weeks before my car is ready. I guess I didn’t have any real expectations, but that sucks.]

I was still reluctant to pay the full amount ($3,200) for treatments, because that’s a lot of money (in fact I think it’s the most I’ve ever spent in a single day in my life, so far), but then again, what is a better use of money than one’s health? Mr. Chiro-Man happens to have excellent reviews on Yelp and Google Reviews, so that lowered my anxiety a bit. I handed them the check, did an adjustment (quicker and less intense than last time, but they were crowded, so maybe they rushed it), then I did some stretches, and then some PT-style exercises. Those exercises are ridiculously boring, and probably ineffective (made for injured people). I was there for about 90 minutes before leaving. At home, I just ate, finished up a film I was watching on ate some more. Eventually I ran out of obvious foods to eat, and procrastinated before cleaning up. That is a habit I need to work on.

Getting about 6.5 hours of sleep tonight. Fail.

Weekly goals: 1) no, failing this tonight. I am a little worried about how things will go over the next 12 weeks, because I am adding more stuff to my already-crammed schedule when I already rarely get enough sleep. 2) Fail
Mood: 2.25/10
Libido: 2/10

 

Day 3 (20210203)

Woke up feeling groggy again. “Long boring day.” I am coining a new phrase to describe a sort of anxious, irritated, low-dopamine feeling where it feels like the brain needs something, but not any particular thing: Hungry brain. I had hungry brain today. Neck was stiff from the stretching at the chiropractor yesterday. Good sign of progress? Maybe. Who knows.

[personal info paragraph omitted]

My supervisor approached me today in regards to the amount of data I used on the company phone, which was apparently well over the limit in the last cycle. I quickly made up an excuse and said I’d correct it. Probably the music I streamed in the car, honestly. I forget about data because my personal mobile has unlimited data. This is more motivation not to surf the web all the time at work.

Felt really out of it, especially in the afternoon. Had a moment of shock when I woke up from my 10-minute end-of-lunch nap. Had some awkward interactions with a female coworker who were trying to be friendly—just nodded absently. I realized I had forgotten how to flirt, because I’ve been alone for so long. Gym session went well, pretty strong.

Getting about 6.5 hours of sleep tonight. Big fail. Again…always…fuck my life L

Weekly goals: 1) Not going to bed at the ideal time, but not too bad As bad as always, pretty much. 2) getting better (see 3rd paragraph)
Mood: 3/10
Libido: 2.5/10

 

Day 4 (20210204)

I woke up in the early morning, slightly confused, and fell back into a light sleep. I don’t know why that happened, and it is something that doesn’t happen much at this point in my life. That made me (predictably) feel groggy in the morning, but that didn’t last too long. “Long boring day.” Felt fairly disoriented and nervous—but not miserable—for the entire day.

I have work on Saturday—at 3AM rather than the usual 7. Man, I hate this shit. Tried to think of an excuse not to go.

I got a brief, slightly confusing message from the big boss about how the data collection/analysis stuff I’ve been doing since early 2020 might be cancelled going forward. I responded to him to clarify at the end of the day, and will see tomorrow. That made me feel really bad because it is the one thing I do that makes me feel like I am not just a menial, low-skill worker. I felt like I ascended beyond what I was originally doing when I was hired in 2019, and now I’ve fallen back into that, at 30 years old. It is fucking depressing. It is so menial and tiresome and mind-numbing. On the other hand, I will have less responsibilities, so time management will be simpler.

Today was the first day of my new Thursday schedule: Leave for work at 6:00, get off ~15:30-15:45, drive straight to the chiropractor, have my appointment there, drive home and stuff my face with whatever I can during the time I have (I had about 30 minutes today), then leave for my singing lesson. That’s 6:00-20:00, or 14 hours. This is a pretty exhausting schedule, and will make the little things like preparing food, cleaning dishes and finishing dinner seem even more time-consuming than before. This might be the busiest 12 weeks of my life. The busiest since college, at the very least.

I noticed two girls at the chiropractor’s office that caught my eye. One was a brunette; she had a great body, and a good facial structure, but it looked like stress had taken its toll on her. She looked tired, and lines were beginning to make their way across her forehead (I would guess she was 32). Another was a blonde, probably between 19 and 23, and not quite as beautiful genetically, but carefree and bright-looking. I realized that I’m probably closer in age to the brunette, and closer in terms of “appropriate age dating range” (according to stereotypes). That was just another of these things that made me feel old and a bit depressed.

It started snowing around lunch time, and continued past when I finished everything at 20:00. I’ve sadly started dreading the snow, and part of me longs for the Spring to come. I hope I’m not snowed in again tomorrow morning. This is becoming quite a mess. The parking situation at this apartment makes snow even worse, something I did not notice last winter, when there wasn’t much snow.

Getting about 6.25 hours of sleep tonight. Big fail. Hope to do better next week.

Weekly goals: 1) did my appointments, but am not quite getting 7 hours. It’s going to be hard 2) I was a lot more present than usual, I think
Mood: 3.5/10
Libido: 2/10

 

Day 5 (20210205)

Insufficient sleep—just over 6 hours—and I woke up feeling more sore than yesterday. Causal? Possibly. Also, I had light sleep in the early morning, again. I don’t understand why, because I was very tired already. Maybe it’s related to recovery (other than sleep, I have been taking care of myself well on that front). Luckily, the roads were not particularly bad, but I had to do a lot of scraping ice off the windshield, so I was about 30 minutes late. “Long boring day.” Today was probably the most excruciatingly long day I’ve ever worked at my current job. First thing in the morning, I checked my email and had it confirmed that the big boss doesn’t want me to do data collection for 2021. Depressing, extremely depressing. Just a year of menial bullshit. Today, he just had me inspect boxes for a machine that has a broken component. 8 hours of standing in the same place, and I checked over 1,525 boxes (it is truly as boring as it sounds). My wrists are on the verge of a repetitive motion injury.

After work, I decided I didn’t have time for a full workout, so I would just go in to hit a max. I decided to go for the big 135 lb strict press. One plate on each side—this is a milestone for me. I tried it after a few warmups. It was possibly the grindiest, slowest attempt I’ve ever made, and it was exhausting, but I locked it out, without any cheating. I was quite satisfied with that. It was a nice addition to a miserable day.

After that, I went to pick up some pasta at the usual drive-thru place. I had about twenty minutes to eat and clean up in order to get 8 hours of sleep…not too likely, but I hoped for 7 (I am waking up at 2:00 for 3:00 work). 7 turned into 6h10m…am I cursed? Why is it the same thing, over and over again?

Weekly goals: 1) did my best 2) had to
Mood: 1.25/10
Libido: 3/10

 

Day 6 (20210206)

Woke up at 2:00 feeling predictably bad. Even if I give myself 6 hours of sleep, changing the sleep schedule so drastically (backwards) so fast is always hard. I had trouble staying asleep. “Long boring day.” Due to what everyone else was doing at work, there was next to nothing for me to actually do while I was there. I spent most of my time in the office. I took a ~40 minute nap for lunch, and had a bit of trouble staying awake after that. I was contemplating going home to nap (either before or after a makeup gym session), but decided against it. For the entire day, I had the urge to MO (or even PMO, but with the emphasis on orgasm, not visual stimulation). The thoughts that occurred to me were both “natural” and fetishistic in nature. It was pretty intense; that throbbing, aching desire to act out was there, not just the habitual kind of thing.

After work, I drove to the government driver’s services office to sort out my registration issue (need to update my registration, but my information is in my glovebox in the shop). It was easy, but not cheap ($151 + a service fee). I decided not to go to the gym, and instead save my energy for Monday. I went to the mall to pick up some food and walk around for just a few minutes. I came home and eventually headed out again to Home Depot to pick up a power drill rental. (It was snowing, again, unfortunately.) I brougbt that home to use it (drilling holes for the wall anchors for the curtain rod). I finally pu t the curtains up, and there’s two big problems: One, that the curtains are not wide enough to cover the entire window section, and two, that the weight of the curtains seem to be slowly pulling the wall anchors out of the wall. I don’t know how long they’ll last without reinforcement. Still, the room looks a little better (not as much as I expected), and I’m glad I got that task out of the way.

Staying up late (it’s almost 4:00), as I usually do with evenings after no/minimal sleep. I did a fair amount of cleaning/making the apartment presentable this evening as well. It was not an exciting day, but I am glad that I got certain things done. I hope I am less horny tomorrow.

Weekly goals: N/A
Mood: 1.75/10
Libido: 6.75/10

 

Day 7 (20210207)

Woke up past noon on my new(ish) couch. Dehydrated (wore my sweatshirt to sleep) and undercaffeinated, I already had a headache that lasted for most of the day. After drinking some energy drink, I went back to the couch and laid under the blankets with my book and computer for a while. That couch is so comfortable, and it is nice to have somewhere to sit/lay that is actually relaxing. I ended up leaving for the routine (grocery store, etc.) unusually late, and had to stop by Home Depot to drop off the rental drill on the way. When I got home, it was very late (around 16:30, IIRC). It was especially cold compared to the rest of the winter (around 1 degree F). Never got to doing the laundry load I intended to do. Never got to doing much this evening, really. I think the schedule disturbance of waking up for 3:00AM work yesterday really messed up my internal bearings. I’ve felt weird (worse than most Sundays) all day.

An idea I have been wondering about a lot over the last week or so is why I am higher inhibition than I used to be. This definitely seems to be true: I am stiffer, less spontaneous, less willing to take risks. I have wondered about the causes. I am more confident in general than I used to be, I think, so it’s not that. I think the real reason is simply the planning and self-discipline/abuse that I need to undergo in order to function in the workplace.

Glad I made it through the weekend without PMO. I’m feeling pretty strong right now. Getting about 1 hour of sleep tonight. Fail—big, big fail. That is abnormally, historically bad (even for…). I hope I am alert tomorrow, and careful about driving, etc.

Weekly goals: TBA
Mood: 1.5/10
Libido: 5.25/10

 

Day 8 (20210208)

Woke up from about 1 hour of sleep. Very groggy (goes without saying). I weighed myself after a week of sometimes painful stuffing myself…lost about 2 pounds?!?! What in the world? This just extends the trend I mentioned before: When I reach 166, I drop after that. It is like my body is fighting my bulk. Must…eat…more…barf.

“Long boring day.” Today was an unbelievably, painfully slow day. The fatigue was at a level where even a large dose of caffeine didn’t help much. My lower back was irritated, too. At one point I wondered if I wasn’t in purgatory, but just in hell.

I noticed that I really was not sexually charged today like I have been for the past few days. I was demotivated in every way. I felt very pessimistic about the future as well (not thinking my “plans” or even ideas could ever succeed, and I would instead just rot with my current job). In reference to the question I asked in yesterday’s post: I am higher inhibition, and I remember joking around and being more playful around the time when I started this job. Now, I walk on eggshells to avoid standing out.

Getting 6h40m sleep tonight. Fail. A little better than most nights, though.

Weekly goals:
1) Get as much sleep as possible. Multiple 7+ hour nights, if possible.
2) Try out chiropractor’s recommended stretches/exercises each night.
Mood: 1.5/10
Libido: 2/10

 

Day 9 (20210209)

Woke up, did my standard snooze routine, then slept through one of my alarms and came back to awareness a few minutes past 7:00, when I should have already been in the car to leave. I jumped up, packed up and left. I decided in the car that since I would inevitably be late, I should go ahead and contact my supervisor in order to not simply be missing. She just responded with “OK,” which is a little curt, but she is not a punitive person, so I am probably not in trouble. I have commented before that sleeping through my alarm is usually that happens a single time at each job I have; this time, I has happened twice (and without too much time apart, as I recall). I think that’s a first. I hope I am not regressing.

“Long boring day.” Today was the same kind of grinding, repetitive work as the last few days, but feeling fairly well-rested, it was less miserable, and the day didn’t pass quite so slow. In the afternoon, I noticed a lot of the horniness that I mentioned being absent yesterday came back. I would say that, overall, my mental clarity felt high, especially early in the day.

I have noticed that it seems like my feet are freezing whenever I go outside. My sneakers, which are good for staying cool in the summer, are terrible when exposed to even a bit of snow. I don’t know what kind of walkable (read: non-boots) shoes I should get.

Getting 6h45m of sleep tonight. Fail. I took some time after meditation to do the chiropractor’s exercises briefly.

Weekly goals: 1) not quite 2) yes
Mood: 4.5/10
Libido: 5/10

 

Day 10 (20210210)

Woke up feeling refreshed. “Long boring day.” Throughout much of the day, I was feeling more refreshed than normal. Especially in the morning, I was more aware, more present in the moment. A lot of people talk about this kind of thing as if it is always a good thing, but for me, it meant being more present in the miserable grind. It was harder to keep the more imaginative thoughout in my head to let them develop. The day felt a lot slower than normal. Despite not doing the repetitive stuff I was doing for the past few days, I was nonetheless irritated about having more to keep track of mentally. I developed indigestion around noon, and I think those emotions were an early warning sign of my altered state. I am becoming more aware of my body.

Again, I noticed a few songs I listened to (“Inside the Particle Storm”) from way back were much more vivid than they have been in the past decade or so. I felt like I was reliving them. I also randomly remembered the lyrics to a song I liked as an early teen (“The Nobodies” by Marilyn Manson)…very sad. I felt like a Nobody.

Getting 6h40m sleep tonight. Fail.

Weekly goals: 1) not quite (exactly 23:00 as I type this) 2)
Mood: 2.25/10
Libido: 3.5/10

 

Day 11 (20210211)

Woke up feeling refreshed again today. I even felt the urge to sing in the car a bit before I arrived at work. “Long boring day.” It felt longer than most days, but not quite as excruciatingly long as some days in the last week. I felt like every hour I experienced had its own story. I had some creative urges, but, like many days, by the time I finally became free in the evening, I was too exhausted. I did not have much caffeine either, so I was particularly tired (mentally and physically) by the time I got out of work.

Today was the second week of the big Thursday schedule: Work—chiropactor—singing lesson. I decided to stop at the Vitamin Shoppe on the way home to pick up SOUR PATCH KIDS ENERGY DRINK, which I didn’t even know existed before this week (why did no one tell me about this?). I thought it would be a quick stop, since it was on the way home, but the turn lane, traffic light, U-turn, snowy parking lot and computer lag on the cashier’s part made it a surprisingly long detour. By the time I had gotten home (I had initially gotten out of the chiropractor’s office early), I only had 20 minutes or so before I had to leave for the lesson, so I stuffed my face with some food before leaving.

Something that has only occurred to me once or twice this week is that this period (days 9-14, roughly) is typically the hardest part of recovery, when I feel the most frequent and most intense urges. I have felt some of them already, but they have not been as persistent as usual. I feel like I am doing very well right now, taking care of myself well and recovering, and I might not be taking it seriously enough to get everything I can out of recovery. Maybe I need to plan more, make more intermediate-term goals.

Getting about 5h35m sleep tonight. Fail, badly. Got distracted on the computer.

Weekly goals: 1) no, not once 2) no
Mood: 3.5/10
Libido: 3/10

 

Day 12 (20210212)

Woke up from insufficient (less than 6 hours of) sleep. Grumpy. Got to work at 7:08 after a delay in the road (train) and at the door (fumbled to get my keycard out). I actually had left at an acceptable time to be punctual. “Long boring day.” Mild indigestion persisted; I wonder if it is just the sheer volume of food I have eaten this week. I was very depressed all day. Mild depression is very common for me at work, but not the intense depression I felt today. It focused especially on my age today, and how I was cynical if I could ever be genuine in my interactions again, because I have worn my “mask self” for so long, to such an old age.

Got a message at 10:00 from the car rental place. They said today was the last day that insurance would cover the rental. Shit, I thought. It had never even occurred to me, because I initially thought my car would take so long to repair (it has been over 3 weeks, I think). I called them body shop, and they said it should be ready on Tuesday. Then I called the rental place, and they said I could rent out of pocket, and doing so until Tuesday would cost close to $100. Shit. This year has been very expensive so far. Lots of expenses I didn’t have to deal with before.

I’m going through a lot of moods, and feel like my head is “healing” a bit. It feels a little like the beginning of 2019 again, where things are chaotic and I have a lot of opportunities to see things in a new way and reexamine my habits.

Weekly goals: 1) yes—just barely making 7 hours tonight 2) no
Mood: 2/10
Libido: 3/10

 

Day 13 (20210213)

Woke up feellng pretty decent. The moment I left the building (and it would have been early enough to be on time), I realized again that there was another fresh sheet of snow on my rental car for me to clean off. “Long boring day.” For the second day in a row, I’ve had this strange, inexplicable wonky feeling. I think it is the new energy drink I tried (too bad, it tastes great), because that is the only variable I think is unique these two days.Today was incredibly long at work. I wondered what I was going to do when I got home, because I really didn’t have a plan for the rest of the day. I worried that I was going to end up wasting the day. That did come to pass. By the time I was driving home, snow was once again falling heavily enough for me to be worried about a crash. Staying home for the rest of the day was the only reasonable thing I could do. I thought about starting a new book, or a movie, or taking a walk, or doing some major cleaning projects around the apartment, but procrastination slowly, hour by hour, eliminated all of those options. I did a few minor projects around the apartment, stayed up very late, and did nothing enjoyable. That malaise of depression and (PMO) withdrawal was with me all day. It takes an extra effort to get anything done when that is present. I couldn’t make that extra effort today.

Another Saturday wasted. Going to bed at roughly 4:40 AM tonight.

Weekly goals: N/A
Mood: 2/10
Libido: 5.25/10

 

Day 14 (20210214)

Woke up in the late morning, peed, and got back to sleep after some tossing and turning, Woke up again a little after noon when my alarm rang. I quickly caffeined up and drank some water in order to avoid the headache I could feel coming. I got distracted by something on the computer, and then rushed out to get groceries, telling myself I’d be able to get home earlier than last week. (Instead, I got home at almost exactly the same time.)

Today was a boring day. Talked to dad briefly, but had mom’s phone number blocked due to her texting me at inappropriate times again. Dad sometimes really sounds like an old man now. I had my typical Sunday malaise, where I planned to do a lot of things, but ended up not getting to anything other than laundry. There is a big mess in the kitchen, including a number of receipts, that has been there, fluctuating in size for months now. I keep saying I will clean it up every weekend.

Laying on my couch with a weighted blanket across me and a handful of pillows, in the dark, with a movie playing on the TV screen this evening, two things occurred to me: First, I am very comfortable. Second, I might just be the loneliest person in the world right now. I felt separated from all other people physically, temporally, and socially. I felt like if someone was in front of me, even if it was someone I could relate to objectively, I wouldn’t even know how to talk to them, because I haven’t been social for so long. I felt like I would be a party pooper wherever I went for this reason. I’ve felt a lot of similar things over the past week.

Getting just over 2 hours of sleep tonight. Big fail.

Weekly goals: TBA
Mood: 1.75/10
Libido: 3.75/10

 

Day 15 (20210215)

Woke up from about 2 hours of sleep, feeling terrible. I continued to feel terrible all day. “Long boring day.” Longer and more boring than normal. Caffeine did almost nothing to alleviate all the bad feelings I had. I had a lot of trouble focusing on anything; even when I was doing menial work, the normal idle thoughts I would have seemed completely absent. My creativity was complete absent, too, which was an unusual, scary feeling. I can’t remember a single substantial thought all day long. I didn’t feel like myself. I think drinking a can of that GHOST ENERGY stuff might contribute, because I didn’t feel good on Friday, either.

The weather was too much of a mess to even drive to the gym this afternoon. I drove straight home in order to be safe. At home, I spent about 35 minutes shoveling snow. The snow was coming down so fast, I’m not sure how much I really accomplished, though. I am not sure I will be able to drive out tomorrow morning. This will probably be the final challenge of this winter.

I should be getting my car back tomorrow, thankfully. I am really tired of driving this rental Hyundai. I don’t like the way it drives, and I’m not comfortable driving it in snowy conditions. According ot the weather report, the temperature will hit close to 40 degrees this weekend. I hate the heat, but am looking forward to this snow melting. (I think my inner child just died seeing me type that.)

Getting 6h45m sleep tonight. Fail.

Weekly goals: Continue to do chiropractor’s exercises each night. (Just one goal.)
Mood: 1.75/10
Libido: 5/10