It never ends until we end it

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Ereignis, Jan 21, 2021.

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  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I am now 30 years old, as of a few months ago (August). I should be posting here. I've also felt like I am in a new era of recovery now. Not that I am doing everything right, or that I am much farther than before, just that it feels different.

    I put that title there to remind me that I am ultimately in charge of everything that happens in my life. I sometimes get distracted by the current things, and I think that there is something I am working on right now that will start to untangle the mess of my life. I have to untangle that mess. I have to start doing the important things I am ignoring. I have to create a new life for myself, piece by piece.
     
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20210110)

    Had two little dreams that I recalled last night, for the first time in at least a month. One was about visiting my first university dorm (which had been made sort of fancy, with a clean, modern aesthetic) and feeling nostalgic. One was about scheduling a call with a friend and getting angry he didn’t pick up, before I realized I mixed up AM and PM times. I don’t think either mean much (as few of my recent dreams do).

    Woke up feeling like shit—more like shit than most Sunday mornings—and began the usual routine. Miserable. Pessimistic. I felt like all the pessimism of the past week had culminated in today. I really remember how I felt so bad towards the end of last year: Even if I start a week off well, the six-day work week is just exhausting and doesn’t give me adequate reprieve.

    I almost PMO’d
    . My mind was in a bad place. In fact, all of the recent times I have relapsed, I have been on autopilot. This means I need to break up my habits more, I think.

    I have a few ideas for the coming week, trying to make the best of it. They will be reflected in my weekly goals:

    If all goes well, my couch is coming in on Wednesday. I’ll finally be able to make this apartment feel warm and occupied. I want to finally make it clean and tidy, to actually finish cleaning it rather than do it halfway once every week or two. To compliment that, I want to sort out my computer files as well (update YBR, close all the open file windows and stuff).

    Since the end of last year, I have been wondering about new ways to temper my computer usage, with the knowledge of how much better I can do with even a day without it. I have decided that TUESDAY and SUNDAY every week will be web-free days. I’ll start there.

    Just thinking about the trajectory of my life for the past decade; nay, the entire second half of my life, in some remote capacity; All comes back to addiction, isolation, and the effects of that
    . Spending time isolated on the computer, not making connections and being able to connect with others (although I had other reasons for not being able to connect with others, I think), and eventually becoming addicted to masturbation and pornography, which led to me being behind my peers in relationships, which caused further shyness and desire to avoid questions, and more isolation. This tendency I am fighting is not just pornography, but the downward trajectory of my life, manifested most often by isolation and loneliness. This really is an all-encompassing thing for me.

    Getting about 4.5 hours of sleep tonight
    . Fail. Not the all-time worst for a Sunday night/Monday morning, though.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Keep apartment clean (including bathroom, kitchen sink, living room, receipts, paper, mail). Make the apartment actually look nice by the end of the week.
    2) Organize computer files. Make the computer as clean as the apartment.
    3) No web/excess computer usage on Tuesday and Sunday.
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20210111)

    Woke up from ~4.5 hours of sleep feeling not quite as trashed as I often do on Monday mornings. Just as I mentioned a few days ago, it happened: My departure time in the morning crept further and further forward, so I finally missed the late 15-minute rounded clock-in time, so I was effectively 30 minutes late with no excuse (such as sleeping through my alarm) for the first time. Just like the car accident, I have noticed that I am becoming more prescient about these things. Whether it is just the regularity of my life or a greater awareness of some kind, I am not sure.

    “Long boring day.” I happened to run into my supervisor on the way in, so she definitely knew I was quite late today. Yikes. At least she is not bitchy about these kinds of things. I had no energy drink, choosing just coffee and tea instead. I thought I was keeping up with the caffeine intake, but I got some mild withdrawal headaches in the late morning and afternoon. (Less potent?) I created a daily checklist for productivity (all of the things I should do in a day, so I can see how long I have been neglecting some). I guess will see how that goes.

    Gym session went pretty well, pretty strong. On my way out, there was a chiropractor guy there that I talked to for a few minutes out of curiosity. He said that my left shoulder was about one inch higher than my right, and that I should get it checked out. I was kind of invested in the conversation, but also kind of wanted to go. It is something I have considered before, so I did not think about it too hard while he was talking. After my shower, I just stared at myself in the mirror for a minute or two. There is some muscle asymmetry, but I could not see any bone asymmetry at all. Definitely not an inch. I can be so naïve sometimes. Maybe that guy was telling stories to get me to go to the chiropractor.

    Taking the car to the body shop tomorrow to get it checked out at 16:00. I can’t be late to work and get out late. Hair is growing back fast. It is already in the long-buzz length range, and looks significantly better. Maybe I won’t cut it so short next time.

    Getting about 6h50m of sleep tonight
    . Fail.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) no 3) N/A
    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20210112)

    I noticed that the notes I took for today’s journal entry are a lot longer than usual. This is another side effect of not spending time on the web: Thoughts aren’t broken up constantly, and start to become more coherent and meaningful. I read a few YBR posts (some of my first) this afternoon, and I haven’t been that insightful in a while.

    I got to work on time this morning. It was not particularly hard; I just need to not snooze too many times and not get distracted. “Long boring day.” It was another day where it felt like the dopamine was vacuumed out of my head for much of the time. It’s like my brain was starved. Another way to describe this feeling is that it is like there is no “normal” or natural emotional/temporal inputs. It’s just doing the same things all the time, so my brain “wants” things to respond to emotionally that are going on in my life, even depressing things, but it does not receive. I noticed that low-D slurred speech in the afternoon.

    One thought that occurred to me is how strange it is (to me) that people have friends they carry around with them for their entire lives. Even if they move far away, they have friendships before and after. I have failed mostly at the former and totally at the latter for so long that it feels like I’m the normal one, and having/keeping friends is the abnormal state of being.

    Thought about my old friendship with TS from college. We used to go to another friend’s dorm on Friday nights. They’d be smoking up, and we wouldn’t do that, so we made a friendship together as the guys that didn’t like weed. I remember he had trouble making friends at college to (so it seemed), but his high school friends always would visit. They seemed so wholesome. I guess I didn’t relate to their interests much but I wish I still was friends with them. I wish I had friends like that. I have lost so much over the years.

    I was thinking about my back (a little sore) and what the chiropractor said. While he was probably just selling something, it did scare me a bit. It made me feel old. Due to my good health, even though I sometimes “feel” old mentally, I have always physically felt youthful. I could convince myself I “had time” to sort it all out and come back. If I really have some degenerative spinal thing, maybe not so much. Will I be physically limber enough to spend all day on my feet in 10, 15 years? Will I be able to have sex multiple times a day with everything being comfortable, as part of a healthy sex life? Would I slow down any wife I marry that is younger than me? These thoughts make me feel like it is even more urgent to get back on track.

    Tried meditating for 10 minutes or so about the course of my life. This kind of meditation is only useful when my thoughts are in a coherent place, so a day like today was great for it.

    Getting about 6.5 hours of sleep tonight
    . Fail. This is a night I definitely could have done better, so shame on me.

    Weekly goals: 1) didn’t do a lot of cleaning, but I cleared out the living room for tomorrow’s delivery 2) updated YBR (not fully) 3) not perfectly (I slipped a few times), but enough to be meaningful. This was a REALLY good idea
    Mood: 3.75/10
    Libido: 2.75/10
     
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20210113)

    Tried to get to work on time, just barely missed. No matter what, I always seem to forget to leave early to scrape the ice off my windshield. “Long boring day.” Tedious stuff at work, and I was driven to anxiety by the changing estimate arrival times for the couch that they gave me a link to. They had moved the arrival window earlier twice (yesterday and today) from the original time they gave me on Monday (13:45-16:45). Then the estimated time today was earlier than even that! I made some calls to customer service, and they were not helpful, so I was under the impression I would miss half (well, not quite) a day of work and get nothing out of it. I left as soon as I could, and got a phone call while speeding home that they had arrived. Luckily, they waited for me to arrive. This was technically before they should have arrived, but it is all good now. Maybe part of me has gotten accustomed to disappointment and insisted on believing something bad would happen.

    It is very nice to have a couch in this apartment
    . It’s hard to exaggerate how much 1) it has made the apartment more comfortable to stay in (much better than camping chairs, the floor, or even my bed, it just feels like a natural, non-cramped place to sit or lay), and 2) how much it has humanized the apartment. It looks more cozy with it there. Plus, there is more floorspace without the inflatable mattress, so it’s easier to walk around, and looks cleaner. Once I have guests, it will be hospitable to them as well.

    I went to the gym after some time laying around and relaxing (roughly the normal time). Strong on most exercises, but I had an accident on the bench press. I ended up missing the hooks trying to rerack a missed rep on my final set, and the bar came down on my face, on the side of my jaw. Thankfully it missed my teeth and didn’t put much pressure on my throat. I was sorting it out tipping the bar to one side so the weights slid off) when an older guy who is a regular rushed over to help out. It was embarrassing, but he said something similar happened to him on a decline bench once, so I don’t think he was too judgmental. I am lucky to have no injuries. This wouldn’t have happened if I had set up properly (having neck and up be behind the support bars). Irresponsibility on my part. I noticed that bench is wobbly (not screwed down like the others) so I should probably avoid it going forward.

    Getting 7 hours of sleep tonight
    . Success.

    Weekly goals: 1) kitchen is a mess because I put a bunch of stuff there to make room for the couch 2) did a bit today, just barely 3) N/A
    Mood: 5.25/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
     
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20210114)

    Woke up from 7 hours feeling well-rested. Got to work on time. “Long boring day.” It was a truly mindnumbing day: Easy but painfully simple and repetitive. I got distracted by the internet on my phone many times, but did not find anything I was particularly interested in reading. I’ve had this song that I have practiced for singing lessons “Per la Gloria” stuck in my head for weeks, and it is getting quite obnoxious. Overall, my mind has been in a grindy place all day. I think part of it is my head adjusting to less caffeine (or drinks that deliver caffeine less rapidly) and partially the first week of a reboot. I am not in a good mood, but I understand that I am in a state that indicates healing, so I am grateful.

    Something that I felt this morning is a feeling of sexual powerlessness. It is like my desires, experience, and abilities are all misaligned, and I am embarrassingly inexperienced (especially emotionally) for my age. Sometimes I feel that spark of energy in my lower abdomen, which feels like a kind of power; today, I felt the opposite: A draining lack of energy and stimulation.

    I have not read much at all in the past year. It occurred to me today that my thoughts are somewhat shallow and unstimulated as a result of that. I need to find more time to read (or at least listen to audiobooks).

    Getting about 6.5 hours of sleep tonight
    . Fail. Thursdays are usually worse, though.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) a bit 3) N/A
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 1/10
     
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20210115)

    Dropped my cup of yogurt while packing lunch this morning, so I had to do cleanup and leave work in a rush. (Arrived at 7:20, which rounds to 7:15 in the system.) “Long boring day.” At 8:11, I had a sudden rush of sensitivity and awareness, but that dissipated very rapidly. For most of the day, I was very out-of-it. I don’t know how else to describe it. My mind had trouble latching onto any thought for a sustained time. In the late morning, I started to develop a caffeine withdrawal headache, which was never too intense but compounded what I was feeling before that to make my head feel really…out-of-it.

    Gym session after work was bad; underperformed relative to Monday on every exercise. I think I still had a lot of soreness from Wednesday. When I got home, I wanted to go to bed early but had that Friday evening ennui. I ended up staying awake until about 23:30 (shit shit shit shit shit)

    Was thinking about sleeping on my new couch for the first time, but the bar outside is too loud, so I think it will be a little quieter in my room.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) no 3) N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 1/10
     
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 7 (20210116)

    Woke up from a not particularly long sleep, but felt quite refreshed, so it must have been good quality sleep. Maybe it was the lower caffeine dose.

    >Saturday work. It was snowing pretty heavily this morning. On my way to work, the main road was blocked off (probably an accident), so I had to figure out a longer backroad route, which made me late. “Long boring day.” Somewhat depressed today, and my depressive thoughts focusued a lot on sociological (and especially economic) problems people of my generation have, and how they will never achieve the prosperity of the previous generations due to their current trajectory. (I read an article on it, I usually don’t like to think about economics any more than I have to.) Munched on my lunch throughout the day, and took a relaxing nap through my regular lunch time.

    After work, I picked up Chick-Fil-A before coming home. Today was not a very exciting day, but I did take action in trying to complete the task of decorating my apartment. I ended up ordering three prints from Art.com, which were a little hard to decide on, but which I am excited about. I went to the hardware store I pass on my way to work, which is deceptively huge, to get nails and a curtainrod. (I will have to order curtains from Amazon when I decide on a color.) Just some basic installation once everything arrives and the task will be done. Oh, and cleaning up everything, I have still not done much about that.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 8 (20210117)

    Woke up around noon, from a surprisingly long sleep (close to 8 hours). It was my first night sleeping on the couch. I also laid on my back for the entire time, which is very unusual, and probably healthy. I felt great at first, but quickly developed a caffeine withdrawal headache that lasted for much of the day. I started the routine. Grocery bill was the most expensive I’ve ever had (with the possible exception of stocking up a full pantry after moving in) at about $117. That included a lot of closet stock food, but I think I’ve just been getting careless about the money I spend as well.

    I did a bit of cleaning (I was happy to throw out my inflatable mattress), but not as much as I’d like to. Still, the apartment is starting to look more spacious, orderly, clean. I started installing the curtain rod, but will need to use (rent?) a drill to complete the process. Oh, and to buy curtains. I told myself at the beginning of the week that I would avoid using the internet on Sunday, which I completely failed at.

    I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to do today. Towards the end of the day (past roughly 21:30), I started getting really sluggish and procrastinating. I ended up staying up later than I usually do on Sundays (it is almost 3:00 now). Fairly normal story, really. I am sure there was something else I wanted to say in this post, but I can’t think of it right now.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Sign up at new gym (?). Keep the old gym membership, just in case COVID lockdowns limit options once again.
    2) Take care of tasks throughout the week, including two appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday. Make sure to get the rental car situation in order for Wednesday.
    3) [SAME AS LAST WEEK] Avoid using the web on Tueusday and Sunday.
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 9 (20210118)

    Woke up from ~2.5 hours of sleep. “Long boring day.” Tired all day. Low dopamine. I had a phone call with the car rental place, and I noticed that signature low dopamine speech pattern, with an anxious-sounding voice, repetitive questions, mild stuttering, and forgotten words. It also often sounds like I finish sentences unnaturally: The end of my sentence will have the rhythm or cadence of the middle of a normal sentence. I wanted to be distracted by something throughout the day, but couldn’t find anything. I was just irritatingly disinterested in everything.

    Gym session after work went poorly. Much weaker on my main lifts, once again. (I’m going to state here that I hate the bench press as an exercise, and always have. Once I meet my own standards on it, I’ll be done with it.) I managed to actually lose weight this past week. It is getting almost funny how much I effort I am putting into stuffing my fucking face all day long and still manage to lose weight. This past week, I ate over 3500 calories every day. It is so exhausting (and getting expensive).

    Getting just over 7 hours of well needed sleep tonight
    . Success (just barely).

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) yes 3) N/A
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 10 (20210119)

    Woke up from long, deep rest last night. “Long boring day.” It seemed like most of the day was marked by a sharper awareness of things, and a greater connection to the past/memory, both short- and long-term. I got especially nostalgic about that bread shop I used to visit when I studied in Germany; I haven’t thought about that place in a long time. I had a lot of sexually-driven feelings, which were not fetishistic at all. Very “natural”-feeling.

    I have noticed that the big boss has not mentioned the data collection I started in early 2020. That means (hopefully) I will not be too pressured to finish it soon (I have not been working hard on it since the beginning of the year).

    I heard the word “thalassophobia” on a podcast today. It was not the first time I had heard the word, but it really struck me as being a very beautiful word. Sometimes you can pick up on these things when you don’t have too much dopamine spiking activities (P, caffeine) clouding your judgment.

    After work, I went straight home and stuffed myself a bit before leaving for the chiropractor. Finding the place (crowded urban street with lots of multi-company buildings) was tricky, but I made it in time for a basic check up. They took x-rays and need me to come in tomorrow to discuss the results. To be honest, I kind of pissed me off that they needed me back the next day for a followup. Anyway, I agreed, because it seemed to be a useful appointment. They found a place in my lower back (doc mentioned the “L4 facet”) that was misaligned. Honestly, it makes sense. I don’t know how much work would be needed, but it might be one of the few remaining dominos in getting my body in tip-top shape. I think my sedentary lifestyle up until a few years ago really fucked me over for a long time, and I am still feeling the effects of that. I left the appointment feeling very optimistic.

    Noticed a cute girl at the chiropractor’s office. Thin, ~5’7, Slavic-looking. She was leaving as I was coming in. It was hard not to stare. I don’t get a lot of exposure to women these days. I felt resensitized.

    Towards the end of the day, the caffeine withdrawal (which had started in the early afternoon) was really hitting me pretty hard, and I had trouble remembering what I was doing, and what I meant to do next. It looked at first like I was going to bed at a good (early) time, but I ended up staying up later than usual, not doing much. I need to start timing how much time I spend washing dishes at the end of the day. It must have been 20+ minutues tonight. Big time sink.

    Getting about 5.5 hours of sleep tonight
    , which was normal for me 2 years ago, but pretty bad now. Fail. Dropping off the car, getting a rental car, and then going back to the chiropractor. Busy day tomorrow, don’t know if I will skip the gym or maybe go very late.

    Weekly goals: 1) N/A 2) yes, although I ended up staying up too late afterwards (frequent risk of late appointments) 3) No, I failed this one, spent a normal amount of time surfing (maybe slightly less than normal)
    Mood: 4.25/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 11 (20210120)

    Woke up tired and underslept. I have gotten used to sleeping 6+ hours. Snowing, drive to work took a long time. I’ve noticed that I have had very dry hands for the past few days, maybe longer. It is an aspect of self care that I neglect. “Long boring day.” It was one of the longest, most boring, and stressful (yes, both) days of work I’ve had. Lots of chaotic things because other people did not communicate well, and did not take the first steps in the processes. An absolute shitstorm. The day could not end soon enough.

    After work, I went straight to the auto body shop. Traffic was chaotic, so I was surprised they took me (a few minutes late). The lady had to do a quick walkaround and take pictures before the work began, and she grimaced at how many dings and blemishes there were around the car. It was well-deserved. That car reflects my apathy and nihilism for the past few years. I sort of hate it, but also wished it didn’t look so bad at this point. When I went inside, it took quite a while before I got picked up by the car rental shop. Basically, the 16:00 car appointment led straight into the 18:00 chiropractor follow-up. I only had about five minutes of time to go home and choke down a shake before leaving. Chiropractor went well, and we did my first realignment. That felt pretty good. I really didn’t like their hard sell tactics for getting me on the plan, and it is pretty expensive ($3,000+ at the very least, even with insurance), but it is probably worth it. After all, what is more important than health? I said I couldn’t come in next week, only the week after that, to give myself time to think about it, and maybe do some research.

    I didn’t have time for a full workout, so I decided just to go to the gym late (later than ever before, possibly) and try a max. I did 130lbs on the OHP, strict, and it went up easily. I felt good about that—that 135 is close, I know it. I did a few sets of weighted chin-ups after that and left.

    Overall, work-auto-rental-chiropractor-gym was a very busy day. It was nonstop from 7 until I got back after 20:30. I’m not used to working that kind of time. The fact that it was multiple things (which required transportation and planning) rather than one thing seems to make it more tiring as well. I was kind of emotionally numb and anxious all day. The caffeine withdrawal was at least a small part of that.

    Getting about 6h45m of sleep tonight
    . Fail. Exhausting day.

    Weekly goals: 1) no (no time) 2) yes—very busy today! Abnormally so 3) N/A
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     
  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey man belated welcome to the 30s section. Hope you're doing all right.
     
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Thanks.

    I'm feeling a little down lately (some negativity and too busy to recover), but I think it's the good kind of hurt. I feel like I am recovering more than I have recently. It feels a little like the beginning of 2019, in fact. I'm just a little worried about how well I can keep it up.

    How have you been?
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 12 (20210121)

    Woke up on my side, in my bed, with zero tightness in my back at all
    . I felt more limber getting out of bed than I usually do after all of my stretches! This is something that is so relieving (physically) that I never quite imagined it would happen this way. It almost feels bizarre. Seems like that single chiropractic adjustment went very well. (I think I had a dream about a girl I used to know, and she was naked, but I can’t remember any details past that.) [I felt a little bit of tension starting at 11:33, but still far below average.]

    Felt neurotic driving the rental car to work. “Long boring day.” Despite how long and boring it was, I felt a newfound freedom all day. My physical freedom led to a general feeling of freedom and positivity. The normal things I do that bore me didn’t bother me as much. I felt so much lightness and positivity that I was almost suspicious at myself. Little things made me laugh, and laugh longer than I usually do.

    No singing lesson tonight (canceled it yesterday—just didn’t want to drive too much in a rented car). Came home and relaxed. Not a very busy day, but a optimistic one.

    Quote of the day: “Don’t let your future be that six months in the future is the last time anyone ever speaks your name.” That really hit me.

    Getting about 6.5 hours of sleep tonight
    . (Distracted.) Fail.

    Weekly goals: 1) N/A 2) not really 3) N/A
    Mood: 6/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 13 (20210122)

    Woke up with a back without tension, again. Rushed to work and clocked in at 7:08—just barely too late to be “on time” at 7:00. Frustrating. (I usually maneuver around such things.) “Long boring day.” Couldn’t find anything good to get distracted by on my phone, once again, but I was distracted a lot by my own thoughts, especially memories. I’ve noticed my “functional memory,” or the period of time that actually feels real, has stretched back farther over the past few days. I’m having memories of being 14-15 as part of that. I even listened to some Watain for nostalgia’s sake. There are some songs on that album (“Sworn to the Dark”) that I haven’t listened to since 2009 (according to iTunes), but I still remember them.

    After work, I went to the gym, and that went fine. After my weighted dips (one of the first times with that exercise), my chest/sternum felt unbelievably fried. Achy like a body part I’d never exercised before. It was so intense that I almost thought I was injured at first. Hope it doesn’t take too long to heal. I did realize some tension on the left side of my neck start to return at around 14:00. Probably unrelated to the adjustment, though, which is still serving me well after two days.

    I have tomorrow off
    . Free Saturdays have been sparse lately.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) no 3) N/A
    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 14 (20210123)

    Woke up close to noon from close to 8 hours of sleep. No lower back tightness, but just a hint in the upper back. It was very satisfying to get that kind of rest. My chest did not feel dangerously fried like it did last night, which is good. I ate a bit of breakfast (not much) as the caffeine withdrawal headache quickly set in. That would end up staying for most of the day. I played video games and surfed the web until around 15:00, when I decided to leave for the train station to go into the city.

    I wore gloves, a wool cap, and a down jacket, but the 29 degree weather felt surprisingly mild and comfortable. When I got to the train station, I noticed that I had forgotten my mask. (I usually keep most of them in the car.) I panicked for a bit, thinking I’d have to come back even later, but then decided to take my chances getting popped by pulling my down jacket up over my mouth and nose. It was hot, but by the time I got to the city, I had to walk less than a block to buy a new pack of disposable masks from Walgreen’s. I ended up staying until the ride back at 20:40, but not doing much. I walked up and down all the familiar paths. It was boring, but a little better than just staying in town/in my apartment as I often do. I had a feeling of disappointment developing as I headed back home.

    At home, I did almost nothing. I felt abnormally, incredibly sluggish. I procrastinated doing anything other than spending time on the computer. Even feeding myself was hard. I did end up putting nails in the wall—lightly, it was too late to really pound it—for my painting prints. I could finish that off when I wake up tomorrow morning. Finally those things are going up (I’ve had the first one sitting around since August).

    Stayed up way too late tonight (it is almost 5:00 now). Will probably get about 7 hours of sleep tonight and Sunday…well let’s hope Sunday doesn’t go how Sundays usually go. I have noticed that, throughout the workweeks lately, I have often been enthusiastic about coming home and doing something creative (namely, guitar), but that doesn’t last when I actually get home. Maybe it’s just a matter of habits.

    BTW, I haven’t had any green tea for two nights in a row. Just ran out of time. That’s unusual for me (I miss it).

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (20210124)

    First thing this morning, I finished putting the nails into the wall, and actually hanged the three painting prints I have (a poster print for the kitchen still hasn’t arrived yet). This is a much less drastic change than adding the sofa, but it is a noticeable positive one for the room. In fact, something a little funny happened with my perception of the room: By decorating the edges of the room, and clearing out floor space (that ugly inflatable mattress), my living room looks more like a living room than ever before. This brings more attention to the one wall that hasn’t been modified, the simple, utilitarian (and somewhat ugly) window side. Now it seems that buying some curtains is necessary, not optional. After that, I think it will look very classy and comfy. I was thinking about chocolate brown cuurtains to complement the wooden floors (a lighter brown), but a dark grey would match the painting prints better.

    Other than the painting prints, today was a typical Sunday, in the worst possible way. I woke up feeling bad (caffeine withdrawal, very low dopamine beyond that). I couldn’t help but get constantly distracted. As I went to the grocery store, I still felt that anxiety about driving, changing lanes, and parking with the rental car. I hope I get my regular car back soon.

    Everything bad about Sunday—especially the trouble eating—was present. I was distracted constantly, moreso than usual. I did some laundry (pretty typical). I PMO’d. It was not surprising; I was clearly on a downward spiral after feeling so bad yesterday evening and not handling it in a mature way, instead just indulging my dopamine. I am frustrated by my recent string of relapses, though.

    I need to finally do the thing I’ve been avoiding for years: Just completely cut out the internet surfing
    . This behavior is really at the root of my addiction(s). Everything is linked to it.

    ~3 hours of sleep tonight
    .

    Weekly goals:
    1) No elective web surfing at all during work hours. None at all (work or home) on Tuesday and Sunday. If it makes me bored, good.
    2) Decide on chiropractor’s program and payment plan.
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  19. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20210125)

    Woke up from less than 3 hours of sleep, feeling like shit. Took my weight; I had only gained 0.1 pounds of weight over the past week? It is remarkable how much I have increased my eating, and I cannot get above ~166 pounds. Whenever I get there, my metabolism shoots up and I fall down about 4 pounds. It has happened at least 4 times over the past 6 months. I guess I have to eat even more. This is getting so exhausting.

    “Long boring day.” Avoiding using the web on my phone was a little easy today, for the sole reason that I was so tired that the day was passing sort of quickly. I had mild indigestion all day. My back is still feeling better than normal from that adjustment, but the effect is noticeably reduced. Something I have noticed is that when my neck feels stiff, I sometimes feel tension in my chest when I stretch it. I will have to mention that to chiro man when I see him next.

    [private info omitted]

    Getting about 6.5 hours of sleep tonight
    . Big failure.

    Weekly goals: 1) Absent a 4-ish minute period of looking at sunglasses, success 2) not yet
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20210126)

    Drove through the snow to get to work. “Long boring day.” Easy, sort of slow. I guess a lot of people didn’t show up because of the snow. I have had a lot of cringe-inducing memories over the past few days. Without the stimulus of surfing the web, my brain is reaching out in different directions during the day, sometimes unusual directions. I don’t quite understand why I sometimes think of very old memories of times I embarrassed myself and relive a little bit of that embarrassment again. Maybe it’s just boredom (better to feel something than nothing. My imagination was noticeably more lucid today than usual. There were sexual thoughts and images in my head of various types. They were not intrusive, because I just chose not to focus on them. At first, they were the normal type, but then they became fetishistic in the afternoon. Those lasted for a while.

    Afternoon was unfocused. Played some video games, rested, did a number of things. I felt like there was something I really needed to be doing, but forgot about. I could never remember what it was. I ended up staying up late after I forgot to do my meal prep (making rice, finishing the dishes) until late.

    Getting a little over 5 hours of sleep tonight
    . Big fail. When I passed midnight, I started to get apathetic, getting distracted by a few webpages. Shame on me.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes! Going well 2) have not
    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 4.25/10
     

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