It is time

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheScriabin, Jan 21, 2020.

  1. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    You are not special be you are unique. Being thankful for what for small things is a part of breaking through the depression. The thing is porn doesn't just desensitise you to sexual media but also to the rest of life. This is where I think 'monk mode' might be useful; hopefully it will turn down the volume of sexual thoughts and turn up all the other things that are part of life.

    It is a shame your colleague was so aggressive about some exploring a different point of view. You could ask her if she has read the book?

    Thinking of quick rebuffs isn't the be all and end all. Have you try verbalising when you feel anxious, for example saying 'your stance is making me anxious.'?

    BTW What kind of music are you into?
    TheScriabin likes this.
  2. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Congratulations on the 2o days! I'm really sorry to hear about the depression. From what you wrote in the past I really think you are a good guy, but ofcourse you mentioned these depressions before. I'm a guy that has been struggling all his life. I have a really stuborn stutter (I'm pretty much stuck at every syllable), I have social anxiety, I'm almost 40, but never had a steady job and I have more than a few general issues with dealing with this modern day world. It was last friday that I broke down, because I was just so tired from getting up to fight over and over again in these battles where no matter what I do I can't seem to win. When you talk about having no clue in changing your life that is something I can relate to. I always put a whole lot effort in things, but I often feel so powerless. Perhaps I will never win my battles, but perhaps I should cherish the small victories that I do get and learn to enjoy the fighting. While I sometimes (like last friday) have a hard time accepting that, I do believe that between my lost battles there are a whole lot of things that are worth my time and attention. In books I read there is a whole lot about learning to enjoy the journey instead of the destination, perhaps that's something that might work better for the both of us.

    Maybe this is one of those things where you could learn to love the journey. When you are really passionate about music it does not matter wether or not you are special or wether or not others over-take you. This is something I have struggled with a lot. I was actually pretty solid with a lot of creative things: at elemantory school I was the guy that could really draw well and write well, as I grew up I became the guy that could make pretty crafts, that could write poems and stories that teachers assumed where taken from someone else, that grew into a pretty promissing rapper. With all of those things the praise I got became so much more important than actually enjoying what I made up to the point where I didn't even enjoy making things anymore. I wanted to make things that would get me the most praise and I drifted away more and more from what I loved. Fuck being special:) Perhaps it's time to really learn to love music again.
  3. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Congrats on 20 days!

    That sounds very unfair of that girl. I've looked that book up and it seems fairly innocuous. But even if you were reading Mein Kampf, it's none of her business.
    I'm not very good in these sorts of confrontations either and I'd have had a hard time defending myself also.
    You had no reason to have to defend yourself though really, she confronted you over something she had no right to confront you about. She's very young and in 10 years time will probably look back on the incident and cringe, realising all she did was attack a completely innocent person over nothing.
    positivef and Pete McVries like this.
  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately I relapsed over the weekend.

    Thanks @positivef @gavney and @Living . I am finding it even difficult to engage with replying to people. What is happening to me? :( It takes such effort for me to just be human and reach out these days, to express my gratitude for your support and kindness. You also have your own lives and problems and yet you took the time to respond. I believe that is the sort of thing that helps you on your journey much more than counting days abstaining. It's like the super-fake stimulation of the internet has disconnected me from reality. This is so much bigger than porn, and it's why quitting pmo isn't enough.

    @positivef I'm a classical pianist and composer, so while that is my background, like most people these days I like to think I've got a fairly relaxed open mind when it comes to music. Haha, that is except for commercial music from the last 15 years or so.

    @Living Great words, thank you. Music is the way I earn a living, and when it becomes your full time job, and all the anxiety that goes with that, it can at times kill that passion because you learn to associate it with sameness and tedium of work. It has been particulary bad recently. Now I am 40 there is a younger generation nipping at my heels, and they are very talented and bringing new energy and sounds. It is easy to feel like a dinosaur!

    @gavney Thanks man. Yes, she did come on a bit strong I thought. I am very uncomfortable when things so private and personal become public in that way. I have experienced a number of situations like this recently and I don't enjoy it at all. Even when people are on my side and defend me, I feel it puts me in a situation to have to be seen by others, and when you fear so much being seen, the negative/passive/hiding away, is so much easier. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
    Living likes this.
  5. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I read an interesting quote about fear the other day....

    "what is the opposite of fear? If you look in the dictionary you'll probably be informed it's courage. But I believe the true opposite of fear is growth".

    I know how you feel. For years I worked as a professional photographer but very recently had to give it up. I found there was always some company or individual willing to undercut me and it frustrated me. And I know what you mean in the sense that you can lose some passion when you associate what you love with work. Stick with it though, it's what you know and what you're good at. Don't be disheartened, if you weren't good at it you wouldn't have been able to make money doing it for so long.

    Sorry to hear that. Again, I can relate - had a similar run in with a woman in her early twenties a few months back. It really bothered me for a while. After a few days I got over it and I'm sure you will too :)
    Living, TheScriabin and Pete McVries like this.
  6. fedmom

    fedmom Member

    And now you're a professional gaslighter haha.
  7. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I'm here to seek support and offer it to others, nothing more, nothing less.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    It is:) For me this is not about abstanance at all anymore. I mean, when I have a difficult time I do have to put effort into not watching porn, but in general its is not what I'm working on. This journey for me is all about trying to live a life that I actually enjoy living. And if I want to enjoy my life I should focus on things that I value, that really matter to me. Helping others and creating a better world are things that are important to me. So by trying to help you, I actually help myself. I know, I'm quite selfish;) I don't think you need to feel bad about not doing that or not knowing how to reply to that, but if you find these things valuable I can really recommend doing so:) You don't have to provided the right solution, sometimes this can be as simple as liking a post (some people on here do find it reassuring that people read their stories) or showing some one that there are others that struggle with similar things.

    Cool that you make your money that way! I can understand what you write about turning passion into a job and then losing the passion. It can be competely frustrating. I wish I could give you advice with that, but I am actually struggling with something similar and find it really hard to deal with. Dinosaurs are actualy pretty cool though:)
  9. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Sometimes replying can become a problem. Often I think what to say but don't actually say it. I get this with emails.

    That's interesting that you are a classical pianist and composer. I too am open to most types of music, but including some recent commercial music. : -)

    Do you have anything online?
    Boxer17 likes this.
  10. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    That was a good read man, I can certainly relate. I just think as we get older we become more aware of our shortcomings, I know this is certainly the case for me now. Things that when I was younger I tried to fight back against and actively change, I now just accept as weaknesses that I need to try to navigate as best I can.
    positivef likes this.

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